Why am I so weird?

[Leightonm]

I view myself to be less than those that are educated, that are higher up in the corporate hierarchy. The assumption is that they are better in every aspect of actualization than I am. In the presence of these educated people my mind usually shuts down. I then don't know how to construct coherent sentences, and end up stuttering. 

The weird thing is that I envy them, but at the same time don't want to be them. It all seems so fake. I don't want to dress up and play pretend. 

So the consequence is that I'm stuck in the lower tier dealing with people I can't tolerate. Don't want to move up, don't want to stay put. I have moved sideways a couple of times, but it's just the same shit in different packaging.

The rules that people operate by is very obvious and transparent, yet I can't bring myself to join the game. I am actually actively avoiding/rejecting it. I don't ever say it, but my attitude suggests it, which people then pick up on. What follows are questions like, "why are you so quiet/weird/abnormal", "Are you depressed?", "Do you think you're better than us?", "Do you have a mental disease?","Why do you never talk about yourself?". Motherfucker get away from me is usually my mental response.

What's weird is that it actually makes me depressed.

I completely lack the desire to communicate with people, but I do desire to have meaningful conversation. One can only talk so much about sex, movies, sports, celebs, what I did the weekend, where I went, who I talked to and what we spoke about.

So it follows that I'm judgemental. Apparently having low self esteem and thinking I am better than others at the same time. Feeling both superior and inferior. How do I reconcile that?

This judgemental quality makes me reject people the moment the conversation leads to one of the before mentioned subjects. Even if I bear with it, in the hopes of small talk becoming real talk. It never does. It's always small talk. Which is why I mostly stay quiet. 

I don't want to worry about my appearance, or about what to talk about with people in order to be normal. I don't want to wake up to go to place I couldn't give two shits about. I don't want to do anything to be honest. I just want to be. Be without the need to be anything. But nope, I have to do a bunch of things in order to be able not do a bunch of things. 

I'm tired of this negative state. But I always return to it. What you resist persist, I guess. I'm just so fucking tired.

Edited September 16, 2018 by Leightonm

[WindInTheLeaf]

If your mental response to the social environment you are in is "motherfucker get away from me", which remains as a 'mental response' - as in it does not get actualized through action -, then no wonder you feel depressed. You seem to resist the change that is guiding you down the stream to a place where people are on the same frequency as you. Most, if not everyone, on this path goes through where you are currently at, in some form or another. The ego struggles every step of the way, to keep you stuck in loops you have spiritually outgrown. It's like that period, as you were growing up, where your feet had outgrown your shoes but you still wore them around - because, as mom said: you cannot already have outgrown your shoes, we almost just bought them! So you go through each day with pain in your feet, believing that mom was right. You start doubting yourself, and further down the line you  end up where you are now, where you feel the pain of contradiction keeping you in circles that no longer fits you. 

You naturally feel tired, exhausted even, from going through what you are currently going through. Like a ship having altered its course, the winds that were previously in your favor are now against you, trying to keep you stuck in a bermudas triangle of the social seas, where you now recognize the small-talk for what it is. You have woken up in that particular dream, gone lucid, and can now see the hell that used to hide behind 'normality', 'every-day life' etc. But since change has taken place in your 'inner' before the 'outer' you now find yourself as a stranger to what was once home. Like a drop of water in a desert you quickly perish to become desert once more. My advice would be to let go, you are fucking tired, so just let go. You are not weird, you have woken up to realize how weird everything is. Whatever now seems to draw you, let it become your new reality.

[Shin]

Study introversion and look for the benefits of meditation video by Leo.

[Socrates]

@Leightonm Oh boy, here we go. I can totally relate and what i have concluded that it is all ego and fear. 

You need to understand that Leo's advice is extremely theory biased. You will never think your way out of this. You need to engage and interact with shallow people, have fun with them and then proceed to aim for more conscious people. 

How can we grow our consciousness and not be able to have fun in a social setting? That's ridiculous! I don't see Sadhguru not engaging with people and being judgmental and condescending. That's where practical advice like Pick-up will do wonders for highly intelligent/introverted/"stuck in their head" people.

I mean think about it, it is all in your head if you actually let go and became extremely present and engaged with any kind of person like you were really interested in them no matter the mental labels of them (shallow, fake, etc) you would have fun with anyone. If you notice it is not always the content of the interaction but the positive or negative vibes it produces (being in your head always spirals downwards).

Practical tips to get through this is to overcompensate in order to fix your shyness. Start being extremely loud, talk much and hold your frame. Leo actually has a great book about this, the 2nd on the dealing with people category if you have the book list. Also, don't be afraid of being over the top, you will balance it out as the time passes intuitively. 

Last but not least, observe the judgment. To spoil it for you it is the mechanism that underestimates people in order to make you work less! How ingenious!!! "if these people suck so much, why should I even bother with them?" How convenient!!!!

it is hard for the ego to let go of its superiority label because it will feel like the rest of the herd but eventually, you'll have to do that and ground yourself in more healthy places like the present moment, an authentic intrinsic confidence and self-esteem. 

At the end of the day, it is all a theatre and we are all actors, fulfilling whichever role we choose to play, so choose wisely. 

 

[Leightonm]

@WindInTheLeaf

1 hour ago, WindInTheLeaf said:

If your mental response to the social environment you are in is "motherfucker get away from me", which remains as a 'mental response' - as in it does not get actualized through action -, then no wonder you feel depressed. You seem to resist the change that is guiding you down the stream to a place where people are on the same frequency as you.

I have come to realize this. I just don't know which way to go.

1 hour ago, WindInTheLeaf said:

My advice would be to let go, you are fucking tired, so just let go. You are not weird, you have woken up to realize how weird everything is. Whatever now seems to draw you, let it become your new reality.

My main fear is that letting go will lead to more of the same. Deeper into the game. It's almost like the game is all there is. Just acting out different scenarios in different settings. So I mostly keep quiet, stay still, in the hopes that it will pass one day. What a way to live. 

 

[Leightonm]

@Shin I have looked at introversion. Read a couple of books and articles on the topic. It doesn't really change the way I feel. 

I have taken the Myer Briggs and Enneagram personality tests. Apparently, I'm an INFJ and type 5, with type 4 and 6 wings, respectively. 

I'm currently doing 20 minutes of SDS daily, with the first seven minutes being breathing exercises with the Prana Breath app.

 

[EternalForest]

Forget those people. Do what you want, talk to and hang out with people that YOU enjoy talking to and being with. Focus on yourself and accomplishing your goals. Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

[11modal11]

everyone is inferior to you, everyone else is weird, you are the god of your own universe and what you like is best

[Shin]

15 hours ago, Leightonm said:

@Shin I have looked at introversion. Read a couple of books and articles on the topic. It doesn't really change the way I feel. 

I have taken the Myer Briggs and Enneagram personality tests. Apparently, I'm an INFJ and type 5, with type 4 and 6 wings, respectively. 

I'm currently doing 20 minutes of SDS daily, with the first seven minutes being breathing exercises with the Prana Breath app.

 

It didn't change how you feel because you don't accept yourself.

Edited September 17, 2018 by Shin