Followed Leo's advice, landed in mental hospital. My internet addiction story.

[Gryner]

Title isn't just a clickbate - It's true that I followed Leo advice and ended in mental hospital with psychosis, but it doesn't mean that Leo advice are always bad. I need to take full responsibilty for my actions and I can't blame Leo for that. The reason for this topic is to look for help and to share my story for others. 

 

Addicted to games/internet/media since childhood

I'm in my early twenties now. When I was like 4yo I got my first playstation and that was the beggining of me diving into virtual world. As a teenager I began to close myself even more and spend more time in front of my PC screen. When I went to University the problem was already huge, whenever I felt bigger stress I was escaping to my smartphone or laptop.

Finally, after wasting so much time I decided in 2017 to end my addiction. I was following Leo channel for 2 years now. I watched his video called Overcoming Addiction - The Root Cause Of Every Addiction and I really understood what he told in that episode. I realized that it's due to fear of emptiness that I can't stand. The solution he suggested was:

• mindfulness meditation
• do nothing technique
• strong determination sittings

After that I saw Leo reply's for those topics:

I decided to put end to my addiction and cause I didn't know how to meditate effectively for 10 day straight I decided to go on the 10 day Vipassana retreat. I didn't had stable meditation habit before my retreat, so I went for hardcore practise without any training before.

 

Vipassana retreat

For first four days nothing extraordinary was happening. On the fifth day I was feeling so much love and compassion, I went to my teacher to told him about my experiences and he said that it's completely normal and most people experience it at the end of the course.

On the day 6 I went to my teacher at the meditation hall after last meditation (it was strong determination sitting meditation) and I said to him that I arrived on Vipassana due to my internet addiction. He said that we won't talk about it now, cause it's private thing and he said that I need to wait for the next day.

After that converstation I was going to my room and I lost control. Very strong emotions hit me and I couldn't control them. I was near the canteen and I saw one of the students there and I decided to be near him during my experience. It was something like purification I was alternately crying and laughing. At the end of this experience I thought that I will pass out and after that I said without my control "it's ok, there's nothing to fear about, just observe". I said this even that I knew the rules, that I can't talk to other students.

Immediately after that I went to manager to tell my story, he and teacher calmed me down and I went to my room. On the day 7 I went through two strong determiation sittings. At the 5pm I realized that I could pass out and after that, teacher decided that I should end the course.

I went to the motel near Vipassana retreat and I slept maybe there for about two hours. When I woke up it was the beggining of my psychosis episode.

 

 

Psychosis episode & mental hospital

I won't write about my whole psychosis episode cause this post will be too long. Instead I will just write the most weird parts of my psychosis episode:

• From strong introvertism I was strong extraverth. In the motel after I woke up I was catching up to people and talking. I felt like every they word means something and like I was understanding on the deeper level. One guy told me that he never saw anyone so open in 10 years, but others did not respond so well to my hooks.
• I was moving in time like I went to next century. I asked my father about the time and he was not able to tell me what the time is. He was checking his watch and he was not able to tell me exact time.
• I felt during worst parts like I can talk with other conscious people and I was shouting my name and age and something like this "It's my first Vipassana course. I don't want to go further, leave me alone". I was mostly talking that in car with my father (we were going back to my hometown) and sometimes I felt like deeper conciousness was talking through my father and sometimes we were back on the 1st level (normal existence).  
• I was feeling like I had so many open wounds in me, I was extremally sensitive. For example I was fearing electronics items, if I heard ringtone I was fearing it so much. It was probably deeply connected to my internet/media addiction.
• I was fearing that we play some game and I couldn't go to sleep. I thought that maybe I am still on the Vipassana course and everything that is happening is just a dream, and I will wake up eventually.
• I was born again -  Between day 8 and day 9 (since first day on Vipassana) my girlfrend was sleeping with me and I couldn't move (probably because of fear) and I asked if I can open my eyes. It was extremally dark, but I just managed to do it like new born baby. Probably I was close to experiencing death during my psychosis "trip". 
• I was an alien... and this was the most weird part of whole "trip". On day 9, when I arrived with my parents to hometown, I was talking in english "deeper wisdom", "deeper inteligence" and was talking with high pitched voice to my girlfrend and my mom naming them "feminine" and to my father with lower voice naming him "masculine". The root cause of calling them "masculine" and "feminine" may have been due to converstation with my teacher on day 7 where I told that I can feel masculine and feminine energy inside me. On day 9 my mother, father and girlfrend couldn't reach out to me and calm me.
• I was feeling like God - I felt so special and it was like I have everything I need inside. I wanted to go outside of my house and just experience life and I wasn't fearing anything.
• I was talking about drugs like Ayauasca, and I don't remember that part. My mother told me that I said that. In fact I don't remember few more facts like I losed being concious.
• Everything in me was completely out of my control.
• I was talking about Leo and I thought like he is one of the strongest force that is pushing me forward in my psychosis.
• I was misleading people and naming them using internet persona. For example I was learning programming from guy X and I was naming person close to me as X.
• I was also talking about 5-MeO-DMT, but probably cause I heard that from Leo. Never took any psychodelic to attain enlightenment or for any other reason.

Above list is just a collection of a few experiences during my psychosis episode. When I arrived to hospital I don't remember first few days. I landed in solitary room in psychatric hospital, cause my psychosis episode was that strong.

Strong ego, psychosis, kundalini syndrome or... what?

I spent almost 3 weeks in hospital and it's now almost 2 months after my psychosis episode. I'm still on my psychotropic medications. When I arrived to home from hospital I was really weak, sometimes it was hard for me to get out from bed.

I felt like my whole nervous system was devastated, my hormons level were probably out of control. I was and I am still fearing normal, social situations and I have strong irrational fear/tension. I can't live normal life now cause meeting people makes me really stressed out. I went to hairdresser last week and I had panic attack - I had heart palpitations, my hands were sweating and I felt like I will die. I don't know how I will get back on my University cause in October I need to be back in shape for studing. My body and my mind (fear, tension) are not ready for sitting in classes for hours.

I don't know exacly what happened to me, but doctors said that it was strong psychosis episode. You guys know much more about energy, kundalini awakening and other things and I beg for advice/help. I wonder how can I recover faster, cause since I left hospital month ago I am sleeping for 10-11 hours and living very basic, simple life - I sit mostly in my house and going for walks once a day. I can't meditate right now, cause I fear to close my eyes and sit still for extended period of time. 

If you can help me please reply to this thread.

If you need more information about my psychosis trip let me know, I can explain each part with more details if that's necessary.

@Serotoninluv, @Nahm, @cetus56, @aurum, @Leo Gura

Edited September 15, 2018 by Gryner

[Nahm]

@Gryner

From what you provided...it seems the retreat was the turning point...have you contacted the manager and talked about this? They might have experience and knowledge that would be beneficial.

Psychosis is a symptom, not a root. Have the doctors done scans, ruled anything out, diagnosed anything?

Your health & well being have to come first. If you start school a semester later, so that you can fully recover, that is not a big deal at all. I don’t think you need any pressure right now, so you can fully relax and recover. 

To what extent does this have to do with your life, environment, perspectives, and choices well before the retreat. Have you talked to therapists ? Have you and the therapist considered the possibility of suppressed trauma (s)? My gut feeling is there is trauma, you were used to suppressing it but unaware that you were, and the retreat gave a glimpse of good you could feel, which triggered the repression, and left you in a limbo with it. 

You will be fine. Be patient. Relax. Recover. You will be feeling centered again, life will be good. I have been through similar things, and the most meaningful thing I can say is, that this too will pass. It will. It may not seem like it, but it will. You’ll be alright. 

[Toby]

Where are you from? (Maybe people here know people that can help in situations like that)

[Gryner]

@Nahm I'm so grateful for such a nurturing, kind reply. Thank you so so much.

12 minutes ago, Nahm said:

have you contacted the manager and talked about this? They might have experience and knowledge that would be beneficial.

I contacted course manager, but he advised me to contact main manager and gave me e-mail address. I will send them mail in coming days.

14 minutes ago, Nahm said:

Psychosis is a symptom, not a root. Have the doctors done scans, ruled anything out, diagnosed anything?

My brain scans were 100% ok. They didn't know what was the root cause, they assumed that this could be due to sensory deprivation during the course. They assumed that prolonged mediation, where I had closed eyes and not much incentives could leed to my psychosis. They also assumed that I am really sensitive and that was my reaction.

Doctors are not interested in listening to my experiences during the course so I think they won't understand the root cause. I experienced a lot of fears during the course, just to name a few:

• Our rooms during the course didn't have door lock and I had this irrational fear that somebody might come to my room.
• I fear insects and I wasn't able to kill them due to Vipassana rules. It was the middle of the summer and course was located in the middle of the forest. You could imagine how stressful this could be to my phobia, where big inscets where flying everywhere.
• I remember when I was going to toilet I was automatically searching for my phone, cause I normally go with my phone to toilet as a habit. That shows how much I am connected to stimulation and how many fears it compensates.

I think that huge inner fear lead to my psychosis and above factors are just a small part of that fear.

33 minutes ago, Nahm said:

To what extent does this have to do with your life, environment, perspectives, and choices well before the retreat. Have you talked to therapists ? Have you and the therapist considered the possibility of suppressed trauma (s)? My gut feeling is there is trauma, you were used to suppressing it but unaware that you were, and the retreat gave a glimpse of good you could feel, which triggered the repression, and left you in a limbo with it. 

I've had problematic childhood and many fears since I was very little, but I didn't have access to them. Mostly my problems were interlinked with connection with other human beings. I am very shy and right after the retreat I was very open and I wanted to talk to other people which I mentioned in first post as going from strong introverth to strong extraverth.

I was going to one therapist and already I was on 5th sessions, but I am wondering if I should change therapist cause she mostly sits and we are not working on my fears beyond me talking about it. I am thinking about psychodynamic therapy.

 

45 minutes ago, Nahm said:

I have been through similar things, and the most meaningful thing I can say is, that this too will pass.

Have you been taking psychotropic medications? I really have fear of taking them and I also fear that I might have another psychosis episode.

42 minutes ago, Toby said:

Where are you from? (Maybe people here know people that can help in situations like that)

I am from Poland.

[PsiloPutty]

It sounds like a case of too much, too quickly. Retreats are very intense because they strip away, all at once, everything that we normally fall back upon for distraction from our true selves. With you, it just sounds like it was too much, too quickly. Sorry that happened to you, but I'm sure you will be OK, buddy.

[tashawoodfall]

Once upon a time about 4 years ago I went bananas.  I had psychosis due to severe depression and abuse from a man I was with.  It's as if your soul/mind decides to check out of reality because it is too painful to be in reality and it needs some relief.  Bottom line - it is ok and it is more common then you think.  For me, it was important not to put a label on it.  I was diagnosed with psychosis and then bipolar disorder and then finally PTSD and now I am not able to get a mental diagnosis or medication for it.  It went away.  How?  I worked on my psychology a lot.  

I'm hoping to bring you hope that this is just a part of your journey, don't play the pointless blame game, accept, cry if you must, heal and move forward with a game plan.  You can do this.  

Those dark periods where you are in the mental hospital being forced to take medication that makes you feel half dead....

I've had times where I'd scream to get out of the hospital and they would poke me with a needle in my ass and I'd wake up locked in a room.  It's hard but now when I look back, I look back fondly.  It was a beautiful disaster.  There is beauty in the bleeding.

It is ok, it is now a part of your journey.  You can overcome it.

My story is linked in case it brings inspiration.  I love watching it sometimes because I see how far I've come and it blows other people's minds now

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1DW-MT6qIvmJTiyaqZARi0bbie4Mx3wsD/view?usp=sharing

[cetus]

@Gryner  Quite a story you have there. I agree with Nahm that you gotta just hang back and chill for a while. You spent most of your life in a virtual world of gaming (not that reality isn't much different). Then you stopped gaming or at least tried to stop while at university. Than did a 10 day retreat to "end the gaming addiction". Wow. I think everything just rushed to the surface at once from an extream transition in a short amount of time. Like when ppl go SCUBA diving. After spending time at depth they have to s-l-o-w-l-y accend to the surface so the body can re-adjust. Sounds like you surfaced way to fast from the gaming and got the gaming bends. Just as staying in a hyperbaric chamber for a while is the cure for the bends I suggest sitting in nature and silently observing. Do a Tolle thing if you can for a while as you heal.

[Nahm]

@Gryner

I’m in the US. I took Paxil, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, and some others I can’t remember. Everyone’s past is relative and different. We are One, and also we are unique, every one of us a masterpiece - and you are no exception. Because no two people have the same past, and did not internalize everything in the same way - medication benefit some and not others, retreats benefit some and not others, etc.

But you, you are ‘doing the work’. You are facing your fears: acknowledging the role fear is playing in your life, talking it through, learning about it, starting to understand it. You deserve to stop, take note of this, and feel good about it. Feel confident. I understand how rough it is. There are good days ahead, and rough days ahead for all of us. The work you’re doing now is worth it. Your life is going to be significantly better than it would have been, if you didn’t go to that retreat. Thank God for that retreat!! You’re waking up! This is the hard part, it WILL PASS! ??

I believe you also are highly sensitive. Where & when I grew up, that was perceived as a ‘negative’ “unmanly” type thing, and I think it had a lot to do with my depression, which led to compensating with food, sex, drugs, weight gain, pills, video games all day, etc, etc. 

There is a movie I think you would really resonate with and find solace in called “Sensitive - The Untold Story”. I know it’s on Amazon Prime, but I don’t know if you have that in Poland. 

Highly sensitive people are at first lost in society, but then, at some point, that coin flips, and that “weakness” becomes a strength. An unbelievable, intuitive, strength. Again,  -   Hang. In. There. Buddy.    It will pass and you’ll be the better for it. 

You mentioned you talk with your therapist about your fears, that’s good. Be patient with that. Expressing is key, it’s critical to have someone listening, just so you can continue to express what you’re feeling, experiencing. 

Consider this...if you are highly sensitive, like everyone else you want to feel good. Like everyone else, you avoid what doesn’t feel good. Most can live a whole life in avoidance, good days, bad days, no biggie. Being highly sensitive though, you are not about to sleep through this life in an ignorant half hearted stupor. That life is not enough.

And so here you are, doing the work, learning and discovering yourself. When the fear is present, when the sensations suck ass - be present. Internally speaking, don’t run, don’t avoid, just experience it. That, is the way to be free of it - and you will be free of it. 

On a personal note, my last remaining grandparent, my grandma, passed a few days ago. She was an amazing woman, an artist. When I was around 5, she started teaching me how to draw, how to paint, etc. At her funeral, they read something I wrote about her and mailed to her around 20 years ago. I didn’t even remember writing it, but, it was beautiful. There were around 100 people, and every one of us lost our shit. Lol.  I realized, I’m already a writer. I always have been. Anyways, she migrated here, from Poland. You may not see things like synchronicity yet, but you will. We are all in this together, you too. You’re not alone.  

[astrokeen]

 @Leo Gura needs to learn from your story. Some advice is not suitable for people. He needs to be amore cautions when dishing out advice based on his own experiences. They may not apply to another and, surely, this case proves it. 

Edited September 15, 2018 by astrokeen

[Nahm]

@Gryner

You’re not alone....this will pass!....

 

 

Thank you for sharing @Viking !

 

It was the toughest experience of my life.

it was an S.N. Goenka vipassana center.

I dont remember most of my time there.

day 0

arriving to the meditation center, i felt slightly nervous but very excited and well.

day 1

The hardest day for me. Practicing anapana, my mind started to clean up a bit and tons of emotional baggage came out. I cried 2 times that day. once during a meditation, second during the tea break, being outside. 

day 2

extremely tough day, almost as the first one. I was scared regarding my meditation posture because I thought I might damage my back or knees. I figured out the right meditation posture only on day 4, using a bench and pillows under my knees.

day 3

Generally speaking, the only part of the day I liked was the dhamma talk in the evening. I was counting days until I could finish already the course.

day 4

that's the day we started learning vipassana. The learning was in the evening, 2 hours. the whole day and previous days ive been waiting to get to start learning vipassana, it was very tough to sit out whole meditations. those 2 hours were absolute torture, I had pains throughout my whole body and my mental state was horrible, I couldnt wait to get out.

day 5

I couldnt understand how to properly do the technique. I was very confused and my mind wandered a lot because of it. nevertheless, I think it was the easiest day so far.

Every possible occasion on which I could ask the assistant teacher questions until this day I did, always, during the interview times in the noon and during question time in the evening. 

day 6

Since approximately day 3 i've been feeling LSD-like thoughts. extremely creative, my imagination was extremely detailed, my analytical skills were very sharp and clear. With that, extremely intense fear came up, worse than a bad trip. when you're tripping at least you know you're on a chemical, here (in my mind at the time) it seemed like I was getting psychotic or depersonalized. it was something like that:

Most of the day up until the strong determination sitting at 3:30pm the meditation was relatively easy, I started to get in touch with equanimity and could sit without struggle. I was surprised people were saying this day was one of the toughest. Before the strong determination sitting, I asked the assistant teacher during the interview how should I go about asking him questions, up until now my mind was a question generating machine, so I stopped trying to ask questions and just went on with the technique. During the strong determination sitting, I started feeling my body melting, for a moment I stopped existing and I freaked out a ton. on the intellectual level, I understood that my fears were irrational, but since my LSD trip I had a slight fear that there might be something wrong with me and during that time it came up. I started to fear I'd get depersonalized, i'd get back home to my parents and they would see a zombie (they didnt approve of this retreat). after that, I tried to surrender to the fear constantly and told myself i will pass, but much more different fears came up. at the end of the day, when falling asleep, again fear came up and I surrendered to it. What happened next I guess was a kundalini rising experience. I felt extremely intense energy in the abdomen and in the chest and it was going up to my throat. I felt like a huge snake was coming up from the belly to the throat, I actually felt it in the throat very clearly. I fell asleep shortly after, surrendering and knowing it will pass.

day 7

Because of last night, I felt a very heavy feeling in the chest, burning sensation with pressure, which lasted until the last day. I started to be extremely emotional. every slight little emotion I felt as something jumping in my chest. cried a few times.

day 8

When you do vipassana, you're supposed to sense scan the body, sense sensations and be equanimous with them. most of my practice because of the fear that arised I was busy being equanimous with the sensation of fear, and not with different parts of the body.

Nearing the end of the day, I fell into a state of perfect equanimity. intense fear was there, but I didnt care about it. the realization of the fact that i didnt care created more fear, but I didnt care about that fear also. I didnt care about any sensation in my body. this state passed.

day 9

couldnt meditate very well because I was waiting for the 10th day to finish the course, a lot of thoughts of possible things i will say to people came up.

During the evening I contemplated the reason for all my fears. earlier I prevented myself to think about them and just surrendered to them, I think it was a mistake. I have done shadow work previously but didnt get anywhere. Here, I realize all of my fears point to "Im not good enough".

for example, I contemplated why do i fear being depersonalized -> because my parents would suffer -> I would be a bad person.

another example, I fear saying the wrong thing to people -> because I would be stupid or they wont want to hang out with me -> im a loser

another one, I fear going crazy -> because others will see me as crazy -> im a loser

during the retreat I think i overcame these fears to a certain extent and they dont affect me as much anymore

day 10

amazing day, talking to people was so refreshing, my fear went away, cried a few times during the loving kindness meditations. only at the end of that day I truly understood how im supposed to be working with the technique properly, ironically, after finishing the course.

day 11

came back home, during the whole day I felt very equanimous, my family is very negative and i was very sensitive so i felt some sad emotions sometimes, but i was ok with it.

What I got out of it:

A way to deal with my laziness. My laziness is extremely severe and it damages a lot of areas of my life. now I know a way in which to overcome it: to feel the sensation of not wanting to do something and to know it will pass, and to do the thing I want. the sensation usually passes very quickly.

i will be practicing vipassana daily for some time now. I see it as a technique which will bring balance into my life, which is one of the most important things in life, if not the most important.

I understood better the theory I learned in Leo's videos and understood experientially better what spirituality is about.

A lot of old unpleasant memories that I didnt think about for a long time came up and I managed them.

I feel like I know better what to do with my life now.

I feel very equanimous and I have much more willpower. I still have very strong cravings, but I know how to deal with them.

I understood better the value of communication with people, barely talking to anyone in 10 days.

I realized how much I love my family and how attached I am to them.

I understood what people talk about when they say that during practices like self inquiry they have a fear which prevents them from going further. I definitely felt like if I'd surrender something unexplainably bad is going to happen.

I understood better how to deal with fear, more experience with it.

I actually feel like on the spiritual path now, as when before I felt like an amateur.

I opened my heart much more.

I realized all my fears originate in "im not good enough"

overcame fears

overcame the extreme difficulty of meditating the whole day

proved to myself i can be really hardworking. I never slept or anything like that when I had meditation time, while i've noticed others do sleep.

this experience made me a more strong and mature person.

I was the youngest person there, 20 years old. I feel greatful that I started to know what life is about at such an early age. It gives me confidence that ill be able to achieve great results at a young age and serve others more.

I stopped craving for spiritual experiences, they pass. I care more about liberating myself now.

I understood how to actually work mindfully, a lot of concepts I learned in the past make sense now.

I know how to deal with my lack of satisfaction in the present moment. I crave for something that doesnt exist.

I understood how much I care about my ego.

for a few moments here and there i reconnected with my inner child and have seen the world with wonder as i have seen it then.

I decided to quit porn for good

I understood how to eat healthier

[Good-boy]

I am an addict too and meditation fucks up my brain as well. I almost killed myself twice in the last year.

 

Edited September 15, 2018 by Good-boy

[Leo Gura]

@Gryner Sorry to hear of your suffering. What you're describing is definitely highly unusual. Although not unprecedented.

The human mind is a very complex thing. Not all human minds are alike. Some people are much more spiritually attuned and have access to psychic and paranormal realms that very few other people can access. Of course some people are also mentally unstable. Something like what you're describing is pretty rare. You could be legit mentally unstable. Or, you could just be very paranormally attuned and you're discovering this realm for the first time in your life and it comes as a shock and your rational mind does not yet know how to navigate these realms. You could also be repressing some kind of deep past trauma like abuse, molestation, rape, death in the family, etc.

If I were you I'd read up a lot more on other people who've had similar experiences. Don't expect quality answers from most Western doctors / scientists. They will just think you're crazy. You need to research transpersonal psychology, psychic stuff, the work of Stan Grof, New Age books, etc. You will probably find some answers there.

There are paranormally gifted people you could find who can help you understand what is going on with you. Try searching for some in your area through Yelp.com

Don't be to quick to judge this experience a negative. It might turn out to be a blessing in disguise, a gateway to a whole new dimension of reality and the beginning of a powerful life purpose.

Do a google search for "vipassana psychosis" and other similar phrases that might describe your experience. You also want to be very careful and precise in describing what happened to you so you and others don't jump to the wrong conclusions.

For example, some of my deepest psychedelic trips on 5-MeO-DMT were so deep, with insights about the nature of reality so profound, that if I did not have a rock solid theoretical foundation, I could definitely see myself feeling like I went insane. If most ordinary people were exposed to such insights point-blank with no preparation they would start to lose their grip on reality in a negative, dysfunctional way.

You could also read books on psychosis to see what that means and how it works. Make sure you read a diversity of books from different perspectives, not just the standard Western academic perspective.

Your ultimate intention should be to figure out what happened to you and why.

P.S. Traditionally, many shamans in native tribal cultures develop their abilities after a traumatic psychotic break. So fear not. You are not alone.

[p1xelmonk]

to follow up on leo's comment, a relevant ted talk I just watched yesterday: 

 

[Shanmugam]

@Gryner A recent study shows that weed helps to recover from psychosis. But weed also causes psychosis. So, it may produce any result. But recently I have been hearing about many studies which make me feel as if it is a magic herb and can cure anything: it kills cancer cells, cures depression, boosts creativity, helps with self-inquiry, magnifies the feeling of love and the pleasure of sex, eases the pain, and sometimes even cures psychosis.  You can try some weed but make sure you do some research on such experiences by other people. Understand and use it at your own risk; because I don't know if it will cure the problem or make it worse.

[FrgttnDeer]

I would be extremely careful with weed if you ever had a psychosis.

[tashawoodfall]

@Gryner If you could recognize those thoughts that lead you to a path of instability and insanity, another world.. that'll help.  If you know them then you can become mindful of them and stop it before it goes further.  

[tashawoodfall]

I feel like people who have never experienced this should stop trying to give advice.  Most of it is misleading and won't help if not make it worse.  You don't see that because you don't know...

Edited September 15, 2018 by tashawoodfall

[tashawoodfall]

18 minutes ago, Outer said:

Is sport an untapped resource for recovery from first episode psychosis? A narrative review and call to action.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/30039635

for example.  this is just confusing and making this person think they are in the same category of some stupid study.  Disregard.

[tashawoodfall]

1 hour ago, PsiloPutty said:

It sounds like a case of too much, too quickly. Retreats are very intense because they strip away, all at once, everything that we normally fall back upon for distraction from our true selves. With you, it just sounds like it was too much, too quickly. Sorry that happened to you, but I'm sure you will be OK, buddy.

yeah great way to put it in your point of view.  Look this "I'm sure you'll be okay" "sorry" thing isn't useful.  It's not about "too much too quickly" it's already done.  The only thing to focus on is now and what's next.  What is your plan to overcome this?  

[aurum]

@Gryner

It sounds like you did some really heavy purging. Going from no meditation practice to a 10 day retreat is hardcore, especially if you have a lot of issues you haven’t purged already.

Keep in mind Leo didn’t just come out the gate doing 10 day retreats. He built up to it. 

Best thing to do at this point is just to stay present to everything that happening. Take time off from anything too stressful or more spiritual work. I would also research the mental / emotional symptons of purging and see if they match up with your experience.