10 day vipassana retreat report

[Viking]

It was the toughest experience of my life.

it was an S.N. Goenka vipassana center.

I dont remember most of my time there.

day 0

arriving to the meditation center, i felt slightly nervous but very excited and well.

day 1

The hardest day for me. Practicing anapana, my mind started to clean up a bit and tons of emotional baggage came out. I cried 2 times that day. once during a meditation, second during the tea break, being outside. 

day 2

extremely tough day, almost as the first one. I was scared regarding my meditation posture because I thought I might damage my back or knees. I figured out the right meditation posture only on day 4, using a bench and pillows under my knees.

day 3

Generally speaking, the only part of the day I liked was the dhamma talk in the evening. I was counting days until I could finish already the course.

day 4

that's the day we started learning vipassana. The learning was in the evening, 2 hours. the whole day and previous days ive been waiting to get to start learning vipassana, it was very tough to sit out whole meditations. those 2 hours were absolute torture, I had pains throughout my whole body and my mental state was horrible, I couldnt wait to get out.

day 5

I couldnt understand how to properly do the technique. I was very confused and my mind wandered a lot because of it. nevertheless, I think it was the easiest day so far.

Every possible occasion on which I could ask the assistant teacher questions until this day I did, always, during the interview times in the noon and during question time in the evening. 

day 6

Since approximately day 3 i've been feeling LSD-like thoughts. extremely creative, my imagination was extremely detailed, my analytical skills were very sharp and clear. With that, extremely intense fear came up, worse than a bad trip. when you're tripping at least you know you're on a chemical, here (in my mind at the time) it seemed like I was getting psychotic or depersonalized. it was something like that:

Most of the day up until the strong determination sitting at 3:30pm the meditation was relatively easy, I started to get in touch with equanimity and could sit without struggle. I was surprised people were saying this day was one of the toughest. Before the strong determination sitting, I asked the assistant teacher during the interview how should I go about asking him questions, up until now my mind was a question generating machine, so I stopped trying to ask questions and just went on with the technique. During the strong determination sitting, I started feeling my body melting, for a moment I stopped existing and I freaked out a ton. on the intellectual level, I understood that my fears were irrational, but since my LSD trip I had a slight fear that there might be something wrong with me and during that time it came up. I started to fear I'd get depersonalized, i'd get back home to my parents and they would see a zombie (they didnt approve of this retreat). after that, I tried to surrender to the fear constantly and told myself i will pass, but much more different fears came up. at the end of the day, when falling asleep, again fear came up and I surrendered to it. What happened next I guess was a kundalini rising experience. I felt extremely intense energy in the abdomen and in the chest and it was going up to my throat. I felt like a huge snake was coming up from the belly to the throat, I actually felt it in the throat very clearly. I fell asleep shortly after, surrendering and knowing it will pass.

day 7

Because of last night, I felt a very heavy feeling in the chest, burning sensation with pressure, which lasted until the last day. I started to be extremely emotional. every slight little emotion I felt as something jumping in my chest. cried a few times.

day 8

When you do vipassana, you're supposed to sense scan the body, sense sensations and be equanimous with them. most of my practice because of the fear that arised I was busy being equanimous with the sensation of fear, and not with different parts of the body.

Nearing the end of the day, I fell into a state of perfect equanimity. intense fear was there, but I didnt care about it. the realization of the fact that i didnt care created more fear, but I didnt care about that fear also. I didnt care about any sensation in my body. this state passed.

day 9

couldnt meditate very well because I was waiting for the 10th day to finish the course, a lot of thoughts of possible things i will say to people came up.

During the evening I contemplated the reason for all my fears. earlier I prevented myself to think about them and just surrendered to them, I think it was a mistake. I have done shadow work previously but didnt get anywhere. Here, I realize all of my fears point to "Im not good enough".

for example, I contemplated why do i fear being depersonalized -> because my parents would suffer -> I would be a bad person.

another example, I fear saying the wrong thing to people -> because I would be stupid or they wont want to hang out with me -> im a loser

another one, I fear going crazy -> because others will see me as crazy -> im a loser

during the retreat I think i overcame these fears to a certain extent and they dont affect me as much anymore

day 10

amazing day, talking to people was so refreshing, my fear went away, cried a few times during the loving kindness meditations. only at the end of that day I truly understood how im supposed to be working with the technique properly, ironically, after finishing the course.

day 11

came back home, during the whole day I felt very equanimous, my family is very negative and i was very sensitive so i felt some sad emotions sometimes, but i was ok with it.

What I got out of it:

• A way to deal with my laziness. My laziness is extremely severe and it damages a lot of areas of my life. now I know a way in which to overcome it: to feel the sensation of not wanting to do something and to know it will pass, and to do the thing I want. the sensation usually passes very quickly.
• i will be practicing vipassana daily for some time now. I see it as a technique which will bring balance into my life, which is one of the most important things in life, if not the most important.
• I understood better the theory I learned in Leo's videos and understood experientially better what spirituality is about.
• A lot of old unpleasant memories that I didnt think about for a long time came up and I managed them.
• I feel like I know better what to do with my life now.
• I feel very equanimous and I have much more willpower. I still have very strong cravings, but I know how to deal with them.
• I understood better the value of communication with people, barely talking to anyone in 10 days.
• I realized how much I love my family and how attached I am to them.
• I understood what people talk about when they say that during practices like self inquiry they have a fear which prevents them from going further. I definitely felt like if I'd surrender something unexplainably bad is going to happen.
• I understood better how to deal with fear, more experience with it.
• I actually feel like on the spiritual path now, as when before I felt like an amateur.
• I opened my heart much more.
• I realized all my fears originate in "im not good enough"
• overcame fears
• overcame the extreme difficulty of meditating the whole day
• proved to myself i can be really hardworking. I never slept or anything like that when I had meditation time, while i've noticed others do sleep.
• this experience made me a more strong and mature person.
• I was the youngest person there, 20 years old. I feel greatful that I started to know what life is about at such an early age. It gives me confidence that ill be able to achieve great results at a young age and serve others more.
• I stopped craving for spiritual experiences, they pass. I care more about liberating myself now.
• I understood how to actually work mindfully, a lot of concepts I learned in the past make sense now.
• I know how to deal with my lack of satisfaction in the present moment. I crave for something that doesnt exist.
• I understood how much I care about my ego.
• for a few moments here and there i reconnected with my inner child and have seen the world with wonder as i have seen it then.
• I decided to quit porn for good
• I understood how to eat healthier

Edited September 15, 2018 by Viking

[ajasatya]

@Viking there you go!

so much more progress than spending everyday more or less the same way, right?

i recommend that you go again after a few months. a new experience without too many expectations and tensions.

i also recommend that you go to some retreats and don't comment it with anybody who doesn't ask. don't post it here and don't talk about it. i will induce more maturity

[cirkussmile]

You did it!!! 

This is really deep spiritual practice that most people avoid  

Cosmic love, brother ??

[PsiloPutty]

Man I'm really proud of you and happy for you! That is a major life event, and the fact that you walked into it willingly at 20yo and tackled it like a brave man....that is very admirable.

That was an excellent review of your retreat, and it sounds as though you squeezed out of good nectar out of this thing.

Enjoy meditating during the next few weeks, when you will be able to get into it right away when you sit down. If you're like me, that ability will fade a bit.

 

[Salvijus]

Niceeee. Can't believe time goes so fast… it seems like you never left the forum

Anyways. "I actually feel like on the spiritual path now, as when before I felt like an amateur." This is good stuff. That's what I like about vipassana is that it's somehow a living process. Without attending vippassana course and doing body awereness would be so dead and boaring but now it's like alive That's why it's so important to receive a spiritual techneque in person not from a book I think you understand that now.

I get a strong Bhuddha and vippassana vibe from this famous Bhuddha chant 

 

[Viking]

1 minute ago, Salvijus said:

That's why it's so important to receive a spiritual techneque in person not from a book I think you understand that now.

yes  

[Vipassana]

Now a deep psychedelic trip & round 2 ! Don't worry about any backlashes, they seem to happen after deep purification work. Be happy my brother. 

[Nahm]

@Viking

You are amazing man. So impressed and happy for you!❤️

[Leo Gura]

Great!

Personal experience is key in this work. The videos are just concepts.

[aurum]

@Viking

Nice man! Way to stick with it and not quit.

[JustinS]

The first one is usually where a lot of the surface level, gross, thick garbage comes out, but the second retreat is where things start to really hit the pedal to the metal. 

[Girzo]

I wanted to write a report, but I see I don't need to, because it would be so similar, it's funny. I am too after my first 10 day course.

How soon are you planning to go on a next retreat, if at all?

 

[Mirror of Confusion]

Thank you for your honest report. It gives me a huge motivation for my 10 day vipassana course which is starting next Tuesday. I'm also a first timer and really excited.

Much love. Good to see guys like you doing the hard work.

[Viking]

7 hours ago, Girzo said:

How soon are you planning to go on a next retreat, if at all?

i havent decided yet, but since people here are pushing me so much to do it, i guess ill do it in a year, next summer

[Mirror of Confusion]

@Viking Do what is best for you and not what people are pushing you to do ;-)

[Viking]

34 minutes ago, Mirror of Confusion said:

@Viking Do what is best for you and not what people are pushing you to do ;-)

the only thing thats stopping me is fear

Edited September 16, 2018 by Viking

[Shakazulu]

you go buddie :_)

[Mirror of Confusion]

A few month ago I wrote with SantataGamana and asked him about his opinion about Vipassana courses. Could be interesting for those who are not sure wether to practice formal meditation or Kriya Yoga - or both

Here a part of his answer:

Quote

Yes, go for that Vipassana retreat. Even if after the retreat you don’t practice their techniques anymore and switch to something more powerful, you should still go. The reason is as you correclty say: it will train you willpower, mind focus, awareness, attention, disciple, dedication, surrender, etc. It will be good for you (although it will be hard, especially if you are a beginner in formal meditation). It will be a good experience overall (hopefully). Afterward, tell me how it went and which effects did you experience in the weeks post-retreat.