The work is falling apart

[Alex bAlex]

After 1 year and 3 months, it's over. It's feeling like I am loosing all.

I have managed pretty well to raise my consciousness level with psychedelics when I start this journey. After I had an ego death followed by about 1 month of glimpses of aha moments I took the decision to change my life and to work towards enlightenment and improving myself.

So right after this episode, I start to drop smoking, alcohol drinking, drugs and shitty friends. I  have moved alone, try to adopt a  minimalist lifestyle, eat a plant-based diet, clear sugar, coffee, and caffeine, meditate daily( 30-40 min), exercising at least twice a week, no fap for 4 months, cold showers daily for at least 2 minutes, yoga classes for 4 months twice a week, start two Shopify stores and now I have only one which is on pause.

And now after one year of being alone, I suddenly took the decision, after a short discussion with my ex-housemates ( boy and girl- in a relationship and they keep calling me to coffee now and then- probably more to check if I am still alive), to move back again with them. I don't know where that decision came from and why I was so prone to take it then and there. Am I returning to the old habits? The meditation is shallow. The porn addiction hit back worse than before, I keep thinking to go and drink or do drugs. I don't even join the yoga group anymore (that's more yoga for show), can't find the motivation to run the weekly 10 miles, sleep over 8 hours and feel sluggish, stop journaling. 

 

So the worst aspect of isolating myself and not seeing anyone in my friends is the communication aspect. I feel trapped. Like in a prison. I do not talk at work, at home or at the shop. I always feel like I don't know what to say or what to do. Even when I am forced to talk, I cannot find the right words to communicate what I want to say. All the good habits seem to fall off and I have no will to initiate something or to move towards something.  I do not have any suicidal thoughts so far but the subject keeps popping in my mind now and then.

I start a reading habit but it feels like I only understand the word, not comprehend the information in the book. 

I am looking for that person to keep telling me when I wake up COME ON let's do this.  I cannot hear it anymore

Am I going crazy or this is the way it should be? 

Anyone feels the same? 

[PsiloPutty]

Stopping the search and giving up is often encouraged by enlightened gurus, as that is sometimes what it takes to wake up, but I don't think going back to drugs and porn addiction is what they are talking about.

Sounds like you're going through some nasty ego kickback. Be careful not to change your life too much in the opposite direction right off the bat. Let the pendulum swing back in a natural way, don't try to force it back all the way.

[Space]

@Alex bAlex You gotta realise that this work is a life-long process, or atleast a decades long process. 1 year and 3 months is nothing really. It seems like you were trying to go too fast and do too much at once. Changing your lifestyle so radically and trying to change so many habits at once is bound to fail. Thats homeostasis for ya, you should know this if you keep up with Leo's content. Also realise that everyone backslides. It's part of the process. Don't see it as failure or an excuse to give up.

I understand that this work is hard and gruelling at times, but don't fall into the trap of just playing victim. Everyone else has the exact same challenges. Stop complaining about your situation and DO something about it.

So you need to start by getting the basics of life in place before working on other areas, in my opinion. Then you can start to tackle the other things you've listed, but in a slow, methodical and importantly strategic manner. You were not strategic about this process. Moving alone, for example, was clearly a bad choice for you at this point in your life. So think about what are the main things you need to sort out and fix right now. Write them out and prioritise the top 3 things. What are the things that will improve your life the most right now. And don't say enlightenment. Is it making new friends? Is it working on your communication and social skills? Is it quitting smoking? All of these things are big, and will require a lot time and attention. You probably can't be trying to change 10 other habits whilst trying to quit smoking, for example. So once you've figured out what your priorities are, then start working on that.

I should also say, stop complaining about not having good social skills. Social skills are learnt! If you went out to a social event every day for the next month and spoke to 10 different people I guarantee you would not be thinking the same way. Social skills and communication can be learnt just like any other skill. And I bet you'll be surprised at how quickly you can get good at conversing with strangers if you just actively practise with a positive and optimistic mindset. Stop thinking that you're just going to be bad at socialising for the rest of your life. This is classic victim mindset. All it takes is a little bit of work and the courage to face your fears.

And then a few months down the line you can start looking at other areas, like implementing an exercise habit (if thats what you want to do), or slowly changing your diet etc. With diet, make one or two changes at a time so you can counter the homeostasis that you will inevitably face. 

Life isn't all that bad. Pull yourself up with your bootstraps and get to work!

Edited September 15, 2018 by Space

[LaraGreenbridge]

Hi @Alex bAlex,

it sounds like you felt lonely, living the way you did. For some people, making drastic changes in their lifestyle really works. For others, it's more of a temporary experiment. 

For you, maybe you would be better off going out and having fun? That doesn't mean taking drugs, either. I know drugs an be fun.... but it's an empty kind of fun that doesn't last. 

Do you have any interests, besides yoga and meditation, that you would like to explore?

[TomDashingPornstar]

I tried to give up once, then I came back stronger.  Just make sure you're being sustainable - socially, sexually, and emotionally.

Edited September 15, 2018 by TomDashingPornstar

[Alex bAlex]

I do not necessarily fight with the bad habits, but because all the moments I lived so far were built around smoking pot or having few drinks I find it difficult to initiate a conversation outside this frame. Imagine that guy who walk into a pub and order water when everyone is drinking (actually I did that and didn't worked very well). 

But peace of mind about bad habits. I dropped the cigarettes and alcohol and drugs cold turkey which bewildered me. I do not feel a very strong desire for them it's just the way I used to know to get involved with other people. 

 

I can manage to get myself up and run for the next goal pretty quickly but I loose the interest and start to dabble and search for something new. 

Just realised how much helpful was the negative motivation in my work by watching at my friends and colleagues and telling to myself that I do not want to be like them and I can do more than wasting my time. The problem is that when I got alone I had no target to measure up my growth. All I hope is that the decision to move back with my friends came out of intuition. 

 

Thanks a lot for your time guys ? X 

P. S. I know I skip lots of bits and pieces as this are my first posts. Where on the form could I post a detailed journey and eventually add events as they fold? 

[Space]

@Alex bAlex You can start a journal in the 'Self-Actualization Journal' section.

[c_wave_arts]

On 9/15/2018 at 7:52 AM, Alex bAlex said:

Anyone feels the same? 

I did at one point, but realized that it's a part of the process. The journey is worth it! I start from ground zero a lot but I learn each time I fail. I've failed again recently because my desires got the best of me. That's the problem with you. Don't do everything at once.

Edited September 30, 2018 by c_wave_arts