An honest depiction of my life, week by week,

[To the Now]

Hi my name is Paul, I would still call myself a newbie at this whole self improvement/personal development process, about a year ago I tripped on 1p-LSD soon after moving in with my brother into a new city, my mind was blown at how freeing it was for me to experience a different state of consciousness, I felt in a way that I had never experienced before, soon after, my brother showed me Alan Watts and soon after that Leo with Actualized.org.

It took me a few months to get into this, A few deep trips later, including LSD, but most importantly to me, Magic mushrooms I was more certain of what I wanted to do, by the end of 2017 I knew that I wanted to take the Life purpose course, and start to get my life on track. soon after, I started to feel deeply that where I am living is not healthy for me, once I heard someone say, you turn into the 5 friends you hang out with the most, and where I live? its hard to find someone not dependent on alcohol, smoking weed, smoking cigarettes, or harder drugs then that, I don't want to live around these toxic or unhealthy individuals

The entire atmosphere of the City I am currently in is depressing. I knew a few things by February.

 1. I wanted to move somewhere filled with people I would want to be around in a city where I can come alive.

2. I want to find and actualize my life calling, that one thing for me that would make life so satisfying and joyous to live every day, that would make me excited to wake up in the morning. 

3. I wanted to self actualize.

Late April, I got a second job to help with my savings to move. This did a few things. I lost track of my self actualizing/life purpose seeking. My Kriya practice which I had been taking seriously was halted, and my life slowly moved its way from consciousness, to mindless labor and hardly any energy. In July, I started getting my shit together and restarted the life purpose course. I instigated a daily meditation of 20 minutes. and I wish I could say its been all roses and butterflies but its not. Even though its hard to talk about, I am realizing how little I know myself. I move to Redding Ca, on the 28th, to stay with my family for about a month for a 20-25 day water fast before I move to Portland, my new home.

In this new city I have a job lined up to be a barista. I love to connect with people, I love to make them smile and if their day is improved by us having a genuine conversation then I feel like I did something worth while. I know this is not my career or life calling but it is my stepping stone. I think that my life calling has to do with Music. In early August I had a deep realization while tripping on 4ACO-DMT. Music was my love. I want to make music, music that is GORGEOUS, new, mind blowing, and powerful. My own kinds of music, using sounds no one has ever heard before! I want it to have a message as well. I see so many different songs and artists that are toxic, and people listen to that stuff all day, it goes in their ears and they even sing to themselves these songs that have what I think are harmful words, a theory of mine is that music could be a form of affirmation. And when people listen to their toxic music, using their cuss words to complain about life problems, or talking about how important sex and money is. it does NOT help them.. It hurts me to see all these people just eating it all up! if I could change the world by writing music that inspires them to live better lives that would be INCREDIBLE! and I think that may be the area of my life purpose.  I am starting this Journal for multiple reasons. Cheifly because I want to keep myself accountable and because I want advise, and if I can share my life as it comes week by week, maybe I will stay on track better. it will also give me a chance to vocalize the experiences that will be had. I will do my best to be as honest about what my feelings are about certain situations that may come up.

Edited September 10, 2018 by To the Now

[To the Now]

On the 14th I said goodbye to my job at Applebee's, walking out I was hit by all sorts of emotions. I was expecting to be happy and relieved to be out of there, on this journey I have realized just how much that job contradicts my values and my integrity, making food that is just delicious tasting poison, that part sucks, I am so glad to be out of that situation, however it was hard to say goodbye to these people that I may never see again, I was surprised to feel sadness that I wouldn't be working there with the friends I had made, and that I wouldn't have opportunities to brighten people up especially when they seem to be so unhappy with their lives. Looking at it now I feel so relieved to be free of it all, in the moment it was difficult, after a year and two months it was difficult to actually end it.  But on my journey it is a necessary step forward.

I have meditated every day for 20 minutes, three days I tried to meditate more, one day I meditated for 27 minutes! to me that seems big, I want to be meditating at least 30 minutes every day by the time I am in Portland Or, my new home. 

I read my values every day, I have started to read them out loud, taking my time and pronouncing the words as well as possible.

I need to start a reading habit, now that I have more free time since I am working one job, its almost as if my mind is making more excuses not to then before! I thought that when there was more free time I would naturally want to do more things but I am finding it difficult to do the easy things like clean my room or read. I am struggling to get through The Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden, I re-watched Leo's video on the vision or an Actualized life, he mentions over and over how important learning is, through books and other means, I have been denying the importance of reading, though I know deep down that it is a super important part of this journey, as i'm writing this out I see now that I could add reading to my morning routine, I will start with ten minutes every day after meditation and values, and see where it leads me.

I am scare about this move. At 20 this is a huge step forward for me and that is frightening, I have been saving all summer for this move, planning and getting ready, but there are so many factors unaccounted for that freak me out. I have a job lined up but I may need to get another job just to pay the bills, I want to go back to college but what if I don't have the free time?  I want to escape wage slavery in the years to come, but the key there is years, and my ego wants it now, even so, I can't have that now because I am not of enough value to demand that of the world, I seem to know also that if I suddenly got enough money to be out of wage slavery I wouldn't know how to handle it, I liked Leo's Vlog on why getting rich quickly doesn't work, and it made a lot of sense to me. I will get rich slowly, over time, through hard work and creativity..

Overall I feel decently happy and contented, I am making progress even if it doesn't seem so day by day, but looking back now, life is so much better now then a year ago. And in a year, my life will be even better then the present.

I went hiking yesterday, I love nature, it is so freeing, so beautiful and awe inspiring. Someday I'll live in a house on a mountain growing my own food and living so happily and contented i'll have tears in my eyes. But for now, I'm sitting in a foggy city known for its drug abuse. I have a long way to go

Much love to you all

[To the Now]

It's Late, a lot happened this Sunday, one of the best days I have had in a while. I took 2 tabs LSD-25 with my friend, a close friend that I have been taking under my wing, He is close to where I was a year ago. Today he took less than a whole tab which was perfect for him. He opened up and started to see reality. looking at life like he'd never seen it before. . It felt really meaningful to do that with him, we had really deep conversations about life and about some of these more conscious concepts and ways of thinking, and he was open to it, he wants to grow, he really wants to develop himself, and as I described some of the things he could achieve in life it was everything he never knew he wanted, like, living and working on a life purpose and even meditation, and he got ideas like being in the moment and surrendering to what was happening. He even sees me as a mentor figure, which was almost heartbreaking for me, I want to do is to help others help themselves, and he started to see and understand it. He also valued the depth of what we were talking about, I was able to describe moments to him in ways he has never made sense of before. I hope he follows his path, and its just so great to know I have a friend that I can stay in contact with that wants to actualize.

 

The whole week has been decent, I move in 5 days now, which is a big thing for me, this is my biggest step forward in my life, and its almost overwhelming, I know that I will succeed and grow and make mistakes and do all sorts of things, and I am excited to see what happens in my life.

I meditated every day, read my values also, and have been reading and taking notes on the Six pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. I have been playing guitar, It is an instrument that I Will get amazing it, a way to add to what singing is on its own.  it didn't feel like a special week, but it was still a good week, I am satisfied with how things transpired.

 

I feel like I was just rambling but getting thoughts out of my head and into words is good.

Goodnight, I shall sleep well tonight.

 

[To the Now]

Monday, I forgot to write last night. 

I am on day three of my water fast, My goals are to purge toxins from my body, be they physical, mental, spiritual or psychological. I can feel different energy flowing through my body that I have never felt before. 

Part one of the move has gone well. Now I am staying with my mother and Father in their home, for the time of my fast then I shall move on to Portland, getting to Portland brings with it new worries and new situations. Excited to know that I will be in a new city that is filled with an array of different people. 

Meditation this morning was.. Difficult, but not in a way that I have felt before, with the fast comes a ramping up of consciousness, so meditation was more enjoyable as I slipped deeper in a surrendering sate, being aware of what is going on in my body, feeling into pains as they arise, becoming more mindful of thoughts as they arise, and keeping my focus on the breath. My goal is to be up to thirty minutes by the end of this week, it feels possible and I am excited. 

It has been a month reading my values. I have finally finished the three biographies of people I find inspiring, so i will move on with the life purpose course! this is the second time I have taken it, before I got my second job in April this is how far I got but stopped. It is satisfying to know that this time around it is being more useful an feels more possible. I will finish it. For the sake of my future and my life calling.

Taking notes on the six pillars of self esteem is difficult, it is a dense book filled with many different forms of wisdom, but having the notes for me to read over after the book is done will be incredibly useful, with any book I read in the future notes are a necessity, to soak in as much knowledge as possible. though it will be a while before I finish this book.

I feel alone in my journey. I realize that there are hundreds and thousands maybe more of people who are self actualizing and are farther ahead, where I am or farther behind, but all working towards an incredible life we love to live. but where are they! it seems to me that many people do not take their lives seriously as if it was a game that they can replay after they die now that they know what not to do or something. People around me are very closed minded, I am slightly more open but even there, I see that I have so far to go! which is great but also a little disheartening.

my best, Paul

[To the Now]

The second week in which I forget to write on Sunday. Oh well

This week has been eyeopening, frustrating, happy, painful, uncomfortable, amazing. With the end of the life purpose course getting closer, it becmoes obvious that I have rushed some of the steps. The Life Purpose that resulted from my work is not resonating with who I am, when realizing that music is a passion of mine, it clouded my judgement as to what else I value in life, narrowing my vision to a point where I discounted evidence pointing to other means of fulfillment I know I have. Wanting the process to be over, and rushing it is stupid really.. Why rush the foundation of the life I will live? there is no need to push to 'finish' faster if the end product is shoddy, I value quality, but clouded judgement on my part has left me with an unsatisfactory end result. So now I will go back and redo steps, to come to a more genuine result, taking my time to make sure that it is honest and really how I feel.

The fast is done, originally expected to be 20 days I was naive to believe that as a first time that was plausible, turning into an 8 day fast it still put me into a place where the body feels clean, full of energy, more connected to what is around me and all around I fell good. Thinking is clearer than it has been in years, feeling like this is new and exciting. not only that but food-wise I am healthier than ever before, with knowledge from Primal Blueprint, an audio book that was worth a 2nd listen, the body still feels clean two and a half days later, my strength has returned and I am excited to start working out again. 

Sunday I hiked to Shadow lake in Lassen Park with a friend from high-school, we brought our instruments and played by a lake, it was a spontaneous and enjoyable experience, though by the end we were both fatigued from carrying all the things. we are planning on hiking Castle Craggs next Sunday which will be difficult but worth it.

Today was the first day that a thirty minute meditation actually happened, no pausing, just sat there and let the moment be. Followed by my whole morning routine and my other tasks for the day. Watched Leo's new video and now have a new exercise to add after my meditation. As I learn more about this work, I realize just how little is known, how far I have to go, how low conscious I am. which brings with it a sense of excitement that there is so much left on this journey!

-Paul

[To the Now]

I was everything, The bed I lay on, the ceiling I looked at, it was me, different than I but made of the same substance, I was reliving memories that I had forgotten were mine, I was of rock and dirt, of trees and of this universe, mouth agape at the immenseness of it all. As sensation after sensation came, it was as if I was a thing, inside of a bag of flesh and bones, not a human, but an awareness of a body, able to formulate words, and able to move around, but using the body as part of my awareness, I was not the hands I held in front of me, I was everywhere, the road I walked on, my brother I conversed with, the trees I looked at, the stars in the sky, the moon floating in space, I was it all. Everything that is, is, so if it is, than it is. 

And now I am sober, remembering this, but not experiencing it, wishing for it to happen again, inspired that it happened at all. I could have taken more than 4 grams, I would have experienced more of the infinite beauty that is this, concepts became reality as my awareness expanded to include all. able to speak concisely and accurately, in the moment and of the moment I soaked in the presence of the now. 

I moved to Portland. Interviewed for a job, Looked at an apartment, now I tremble in anticipation as waves of uncertainty wash over me. I feel lost, as though I am nothing in this world, This is a newness that is completely different from other new experiences. A new City, a new Life, but the same me.

Although I wont, I feel like giving up, like sitting on my ass and doing nothing, but these are the moments that matter, the moments that require extra strength to push through, these are the times that matter, when it gets difficult, this is where I grow, if I come through this section of my life I will be better for it. 

Am I losing my mind? I feel as though I relate with people less and less, I feel lonely, I feel as though there is no one aroun d me on a similar path of personal development. I hope to find friends here that also care about this topic deeply. I am rambling, I am tired. I am Paul. Goodnight

[yTodoCambia]

Hi Paul, 

Reading your journal was a treat, as I related to it immensely. One thing I have realised since discovering Leo and the domain of consciousness is that loneliness and uncertainty are definitely intrinsic to it, especially at first. Do you hint about consciousness to people that seem they could be interested in or on the same path as you? I used to be very quiet about it because I assumed no one in my entourage could be open to the subjet, but if I'm quiet about it and the people around me are quiet too then how can we even discover that we share the same interests? I've been meditating for more than a year now, and just discovered that my uncle was an avid meditator with 4+ years of experience. I discovered it because we use the same app that has a social component to it... can you believe that an app was necessary for me and my uncle to realise we shared a meditation practice? 

My personal story is full of shortcomings, with my meditation practice, my self-actualization, my addiction management, my dating life and more... all spheres of life that didn't really hurt as much when I was so unconscious of them. I do believe a social support system can do wounders in sefl-acceptation and motivation, especially if you're a socially inclined person like I am. I found an accountability partner on the meditation app I use with the goal of meditating daily for the month of october, I've been going for 20 days strait with is are great improvement for me. If a similar concept could help you I would be up for it, we could figure it out.

Thank you for sharing your life with us over here,

Justin

 

PS: the ending to your last post was brilliant, I had to mention it  

PS 2: I just realised that this journal format should probably be with your replies only, maybe this post would have been better as a private message.. I'll delete this post after you read it if you'd like to keep your journal with your posts only, no problem!

 

Edited October 23, 2018 by yTodoCambia

[To the Now]

Here I am. 

It has been about a month since I have posted. I take full ownership on my lack of consistency,  I am disappointing in the fact that I let my life, moving, getting a job and apartment get in the way of keeping on track with this path. I had fallen off the horse so to speak. 

I journal tonight for the first time in a while, realizing that the self actualization of my life had taken a turn for the unconscious, meditation still happens, but not always very intently, I have been learning the guitar, as music is the vehicle my life purpose will ride. but besides that the last month has been a slow decent into unconsciousness. I don't like it, as I distract myself with you tube videos on things i could care less about, there is a gnawing sensation inside, like a quiet voice whispering "you could be doing so much more right now" as I waste time scrolling through the pointless Instagram feeds, the voice hasn't given up asking me to pay attention to what I am doing.  as I put my thoughts here, there is a realization that this is resistance, resistance to the change I have put into my life, and that I let the fear of growth take over. NO MORE!

I am sick  and tired of feeling like I could have done more in a day, like parts of it were a waste, I know there is no need to apologize to anyone, because this is my journey alone, maybe its myself I need to apologize to, for losing sight of the vision I have for my life, for letting myself fall into unawareness. its so painful to realize that though my life is better then it was a year ago, it feels less put together then it did a month ago, and on one hand that isn't true. 

because I have a job now (a new and consistent distraction) an apartment as well! I have met people here, possible mentors in business and have made growth in a new form of life, financial stability, and eventual financial independence. Which is great, it really is, but it is still something I allowed to distract me from the inner work, reading, taking time to meditate and focus, practice more guitar, and also, the Life Purpose course. I stopped, Why? I got discouraged, I got about 3/4's of the way through it, and realized that the last section of it was me pushing though, trying to finish logically not intuitively, and the results were not me. they were great results, but not Paul. I got frustrated and let life distract me. that was an error, and here's how I am going to fix it. I will do 5 lessons a week, and any exercises that are required, I will re affirm my values every morning, for 30 days. and will reread all the work I have done. this is important to me, I need a vision fore my life, without it I am floundering.

This is all a part of my journey, I may not like it, in fact it is sort of disgusting to me that I let this happen, but it happened the best thing for me to do is to accept it as reality, and move on from there.

 

that being said, I will continue to post on Sundays again, to keep myself accountable, to keep myself vigilant, and to track my progress on this path called personal development.

Goodnight.

[To the Now]

@yTodoCambia  Hi! its very encouraging to hear you say these things, and no, I tend to be very quiet about consciousness work, 1. because I am afraid that no one else will be into it. 2. because I haven't been pursuing it as much as is good for me. But now i see that there would be no way for me to meet like-minded people unless I  speak my mind.

 I do not know how to post as a log-book, kind of silly but true, 

Thank you for the reply its great to hear from another developing individual!

-Paul

[To the Now]

Sitting here this week feels hollow, why you may ask? I am still working through the slump, finding it very difficult to meditate every day, still distracted all the time, on my phone, in you tube, on whatever, it feels like I am avoiding the actualizing, but the motivation to actually DO the work is lacking. Playing the guitar is rocky, I am learning and making progress but slowly. This is all fine, but I am an impatient person, though less than a year ago, it is hard for me to realize that this is still a part of the journey, writing like this is good, to seem my thoughts in words, and out of my mind.  its not something I do often, maybe that would help me, I have continued with the life purpose course, though its an upward battle. 

As I think, my life is pretty boring, not that there is anything wrong with that, I don't do a lot of things I actually enjoy. I cook, that's my job, which can be enjoyable but not in that setting. I love music, but learning a whole new instrument is challenging, and there is a bunch of resistance, I meditate, which leaves me feeling wholesome, but takes guts to initiate and stick to for 30 minutes. I go to the gym, which I actually have been enjoying, to feel my body get stronger, that is worth it. Working on my diet, cutting carbs, by cutting grains and sugars, I feel better physically then I used too, however. Working a cooking job is so difficult in that I am encouraged to test all the food, make sure its delicious, which it always is, and its usually not healthy. today especially I ate more grains and sugars then I have in a while and felt sick to my stomach. I take responsibility for that, it was my choice to eat what I did, but it still was unsatisfactory.

Helpful To Do's:

journal, get my thoughts out more often.

Go for walks in the morning to wake up.

Put my phone on airplane mode while meditating or practicing.

eat before work, so I don't feel hungry there.

 

Since this journal is a way for me to be honest with whoever sees, and myself. 

the business meetings that I have been going to, the possibility of financial freedom, its a lot to think about, I'm not sure if I want to be a part of this business, its a multi-level marketing business, partnered with a mentor ship and leadership development company, I like the idea of mentors, I love the possibility of Leadership development, my quandary is that I want to make a business of my own, one that I start from the ground up, on that I feel deeply invested in. Honestly, if this business does get my financially free, that would be awesome, to not need a job, I could focus on becoming a Life coach like I want to, and move into turning that experience into music. I can still do that, but I would have a lot more free time to get better at it.  But is that for me? I already know that Life coaching is expensive, and it would be years before I had the money, and another year or two before I would be making enough from that to do it full time.

 

its nice to dump my thoughts on here, Life is still moving forward, I am still learning, Life is still good.

 

Paul

[To the Now]

Life is like a river, flowing ever onward towards the ocean. trees may fall in, blovking the flow, but still the water finds a way to continue on. it may dry up at times, but rain will come, and soon it will be flowing agin. my life is continually flowing towards an ocean of consciousness, the beginning is far enough behind, that turning back to my old life is not an option, the world is all around me, this moment is ever changing. my future holds infinity, and the only difference between that and now, is the lack of awareness, a lack of consciousness to the completeness of this present monent.

 

Happy thanksgiving! to anyone who sees this, I speak growth and happines into your life, on this journey, more consciousness, more love of life and a better understanding of Self.

 

I am so thankful I am on this journey. A year ago today life was frustrating, confusing, painful, but moment of hope here and there, glimpses of light through my darkness. so unconscious of many parts of my life. but even then moving towards this moment now. I am appreciative of the information I have been able to soak in, for Actualized.org, its message and its teachings, I am thankful for my family, my parents who continue to support me more and more as we all grow through life. Thankful I have the opportunity to live this life at all, by chance I ended up in this body with this upbringing in this country, if one moment would have been different in my past I could be somewhere completely different. but here I am, able to express who I am in an apartment that I can afford, having the ability to work to support myself, and thankful that I can think for myself, that through life experiences I was able to open myself up to the possibility of a better life.

Life is still frustrating, I still find myself confused, moments can be painful (funny, that is really my inability to allow the moment to be as it is.) but I am growing, I appreciate where I am, this moment itself, looking around at this life I live I am happy, I am satisfied, but still hungry for more.

I have the best parents. I grew up on a farm, in a very controlling christian environment, I was tamed to fit in, I struggle with that, as well as who my authentic self really is. I Love my parents for how accepting they are of me, they are on their own journeys, they call him god, and they believe that through Jesus only you may have liberation. but they know from experience that God is real, the awareness of the absolute is a practice of theirs. they use Christian words to discribe it, to put in to words that they can understand. But they search continually to get closer to direct consciousness. we had many great talks when they visited, and I look forward to many more in the future as I grow.

Life Is. this moment is all there is, no past, no future, just the now.

You are too concerned about what was and what will be. There is a saying: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the "Present" -Shifu, Kung-Fu Panda.

 

-Paul

[To the Now]

In meditation, there was a moment close to the end of the 40 minutes where the space around me, the room, the air, the bed, my body, we joined. it was a thrilling experience, after meditation I sat in awe, what did I just experience? why did it leave? more importantly, how do I experience again what happened. 

With my new job there is little time to meditate in the morning, 20-30 minutes. on my days off I get to push myself to 40. only twice have I done this, the second time as time crept by, the mind slowed, became less busy, focusing on the breath as it flowed through me.. its difficult to put into words how I felt in that moment. Tomorrow will be another 40 minutes lets see how it goes.

 

Hi! This week has been momentous. As this Log is a chance for me to be genuine and honest, I will do my best, though I keep reminding myself that that is the point. 

If you remember me mentioning a business opportunity, I just finished the vetting process to see if my values and who I am, my reasons for wanting financial freedom work with that of the company, and last night I was offered a partnership. It is a chanced to be mentored, a chance to grow tremendously and over the course of 2-5 years become financially independent. I am excited, to help others, to impact lives and to make a difference through this. 

Though my passion to make music that changes how people view themselves, encouraging people to be their authentic self. it will be on the back burner for the next few years. and once I am financially free I will be able to put as much time and effort into it that I want. I will be able to go to Tanzania and work on a orphanage with John St. Julian, and to donate to causes I can stand behind. to live free of a job and focus on the things that actually matter. through this process I will continue my meditation and hope to get to an hour a day in the next three to five months! 

Personal development takes many shades and colors. Seeing other perspectives is so growing, to see how others think, to be open to the reality that I do not know everything though sometimes I think I do.

I have been getting out of my shell more lately, being more myself and have been loving it, I am more outgoing and am caring less what others think since I am being more grounded in who I am and not basing my happiness off of external circumstances. Even talked to a cute girl, that's new!

in conclusion, this journey is ever-changing as it moves ever forward. I grow as I learn how to work through my obstacles, and as I make mistakes I learn from them.

Goodnight all.

Paul

[To the Now]

Hello. Life has been rough lately. 

I am so thankful that my parents are so wise, and able to talk with me about my life and this journey, they are encouraging and I love them. The past two months in this new city have felt closed off, as if there was a limit to what I could do. As though there were no options for me to pursue. I went back into cooking because that's what I have done in the past, even though the work environment is not for me, filled with alcoholics, sad, hopeless people who feel trapped in their lives, I don't know how to relate to them, I want to help  them but they aren't open to outside help. They're trapped in their own minds.. Many of them have had less than ideal lives, and they end up stuck here in a kitchen, cooking behind a wall so that they don't have to look at the customers. I feel depressed sometimes walking in. and talking with my parents has brought up that there are more options! I'm 20 for goodness sake, I can work other jobs until I become financially free, I don't have to always work in a kitchen. And thank goodness too because I would not benefit from it.

I will stay in Portland for around two years I predict. and in the kitchen world for another 6 months probably, I want to pick up a part time job in a new field, and if I like it enough do that full time.

Meditation still going strong. nothing special to report.

Hope anyone reading this is doing well. 

Paul

[Zigzag Idiot]

Hi Paul,

I appreciate your sincerity and goodwill.

My name is David. I grew up on a farm too. Actually a cattle ranch.

[To the Now]

Hello

This process of growing and developing as an individual, is a journey filled with obstacles, each different then the last. Most recently my car started having problems, not starting correctly and skipping as the engine tries to start, I took it in to get the battery checked and got a new one. but turns out that wasn't the complete problem as the inconsistencies continued.  This is difficult for me, money is tight, this move and a slew of new expenses has stretched my finances and my views on what money can do. soon I will need to take the car in to get it looked at and that will be another expense, I am frustrated with this, part of me wishes that life would "be easier" that same part of me wants to blame this on anything besides myself, to play the victim to try and project my problems on outside forces. But that wont happen, though it is hard for me to take responsibility for this situation, all the choices I have made in my life have lead to here, no one else's. Plus! this is simply an obstacle on a larger and longer journey, this is a step, this is a chapter, not the entire path. Though its hard, what can I learn from this? the simple one is that I can take better care of my car. Another is that it points to the fact that money is TOO tight, what will I do to remedy this? what will I do to move forward? during this time I am so grateful to have people willing to speak encouragement into my life. My mother and father are here for me in spirit, loving and building me up from afar, my coaches and mentors in this Business I am a part of, they give great perspective to this part of my life, and are here for me, to talk with me to offer different views on what I could do. I am thankful that I AM NOT ALONE!

My life seems hard but SO WHAT! that doesn't give me an excuse to slack off! that doesn't justify giving up on my dreams, this is where I grow this is where the RUBBER meets the ROAD! this is how I succeed in life, this is how I develop, this is how I become a stronger version of myself. by pushing through the fear, by allowing this moment to be, accepting what happens and moving forward!

Last night I let myself wallow in the depression of the moment for too long, I decided to watch a movie and distract myself till 2 in the morning. then I realized that I hadn't meditated for the day, and at that moment I decided to NOT MEDITATE! Not the greatest decision of my life, the first time I haven't meditated daily in four months. but I wont let it stop me! I hit the ground running this morning with a 40 minute meditation session. 

My life will continue, and I will thrive!

good day to you all

Paul

[To the Now]

@Zigzag Idiot  Hey David! 

 

That's awesome! Was it family owned? What state did it take place? I'm interested

Paul

[To the Now]

Hello,

I missed a post, and instead of beating myself up over it here's whats been happening in my life.

 

I have been talking to people, as a part of the business I am now a part of, and this journey to develop myself and my authenticity, I have been meeting people and having real conversations with them, getting to know who they are and what they want from life, being interested in them, being curious about who they are, where they are in life, and where they're going!

My car broke down, it would not start correctly, and I thought it was the battery, so I got it fixed, from there the problem continued, I took it in and it was the starter, this was unfortunate, money has been very tight this month as I started working in this new business, plus the car work. it made me look at this machine I get to drive in differently, the starter going out was not because of me, it simply wore out over time, but I will take better care of this car, driving more consciously and taking the time to make sure it runs well.

My meditation habit has been struggling, in the last week I have not meditated more than 20 minutes per day, I even missed a day. as I sit to watch my breath there is an uneasiness about me that I don't want to sit there at all, I take ownership of this, it is a part of who I am, this struggle. But it is frustrating, to fix this I will re-watch Leo's video on why meditation is so important, perhaps it will re-inspire me.

Work is settling into a steady grind. Someday, I will not work a job, I will only do what impacts the world, but that shall take time and I am not the person that I need to be to have that life. or else Id have that life now. but in the future, and as I plan for it, I KNOW it will happen.

This new year WILL be amazing, filled with growth and new experiences, 2018 was the best year of my life so far. and 2019 will be the best year so far.

 

Happy new year to you all

 

Paul

[Zigzag Idiot]

4 hours ago, To the Now said:

@Zigzag Idiot  Hey David! 

 

That's awesome! Was it family owned? What state did it take place? I'm interested

Paul

Hi Paul!

In Arkansas,,, Its still in the family. I turned the operation over to my nephews this past July. This is the first winter in many years that I'm not responsible for a herd of Cows. I'm enjoying my freedom. It was wearing my body out. Glad to be free of the inescapable violence that's inherent in the occupation as well. 

I was brought up in A Church of Christ that considered Musical instruments and Sunday School to be too progressive and possibly sources of mischief making.

Sounds like we have a lot in common. I've worked in the Sawmill Industry also off and on through life. Ive been a participant or had a front row seat to just about everything progressive liberals hate,,, although for years I've been a progressive liberal myself. Mostly in secret. Ive been immersed in blue - orange culture all my life,,,,

Glad to hear from ya!

In what part of the world was your farm life?

[To the Now]

Hey all.

 

It has been three weeks since I have updated and here is where I am

As I write this my life is moving forward, the business I have started is taking a lot of my time, and is pushing me to grow in ways I haven't thought possible, talking to a lot of people and growing my self-confidence, I am still reading quite a lot, taking notes and learning, I still struggle with applying what I read, some of it comes easy, other parts there is resistance to the change necessary to put into action what I read. This is something that I will work on, and it is a block when it comes to actualizing my potential, and living a life I design, it is a work in progress however.

Meditation is very difficult, for a while I could barely bring myself to meditate more than 10 minutes, some days rationalizing not at all. Though I am now back on track. 30 minutes daily, working towards more.

I am ashamed to say that I have been avoiding writing this, I feel that with this new trajectory, building this business and focusing on working towards financial freedom I have sacrificed some of the personal development that I could be attaining right now. On one hand that is sad.. on another, getting free from having to work a 9-5 job that I hate is a great version of personal development. it is however quite a distraction from higher consciousness activities such as meditation retreats, psychedelics, fasting, etc.. as my schedule is VERY full now. That being said, I take ownership of my shortcomings, and I don't blame this on anyone. If I haven't been journaling lately its because I have chosen not to.

Lately I have learned that pushing through obstacles, accepting they are their but not allowing it to stop me is what I am working through. going out side of my comfort zone, because that is the only place that growth actually happens.

To all who read this I wish you the best!

Paul

 

 

 

[To the Now]

@Zigzag Idiot  Hey David!

It's really interesting to hear about your upbringing, in the church of Christ, from my experience that can be very controlling and subtly manipulative.. Glad to hear you made it out with most of your sanity! your grew up in Arkansas, I grew up in Missouri, we were within 400 miles of each other that's so cool! 

Was it a culture shock to leave that church system? 

Where do you hail from now?