Back&Forth with my Ex - need perspective

[disconnected]

Hello everyone,

About 4 months ago I went through a break-up with my ex (of 5 and a half years). Ever since, I've been going through all the YouTube videos I could find on 'getting your ex back' and I've mainly focused on coach Corey Wayne's advice, but have also leaned towards other channels and I've been basically taking everything with a grain of salt. 

What I've learned throughout these past few months is that I've been doing a lot of mistakes throughout my relationship (won't go into details but I've been needy, unreliable at times and very complacent). I do understand why everything went south and I also understand what I could've done better. Along with all this, I've learned to stop beating myself up because if this wouldn't have happened, I wouldn't have gotten to the point where I realize all my mistakes and what a beta I've been.

All this has motivated me to further improve myself (going to the gym now consistently for several months, I dress well..although I also did before, I'm focusing on myself and on work). I'm not yet at the point where I feel comfortable dating other women, but I do enjoy flirting with them and I do have pretty decent communication skills (always have).

Now, going past the intro part. My ex and I have a dog that we bought together and we exchange his stinky ass (love him) every 2 weeks. We actually had an arrangement to have her flatmate (after she moved out she moved in with her female friend and her boyfriend) make the dog exchange as he works near where I live and it wouldn't be much bother for him to bring/take him whenever needed.

When we broke up, I went pretty cold on her but I didn't beg, plead or cry. After about a month she wanted to talk (we had minimum contact during this period) and she said she's unsure and asked me if I would give it another go. I said I'll think about it. I then told her that I would be up for rekindling out relationship but I that we would have to work on it (this was before all the youtube material...I made some mistakes here as well). She said that she's just not feeling ready to go back at it yet. I told her to give me a call if she changes her mind.

Throughout the following 3 months she reached out several times, we even got together and hung out although not much came of it. I kissed her at the end of 2 of our hang-outs but she wasn't very into it.

So...I've pretty much fast forwarded through all the events leading up to the most recent one which was this past week: she came over on Monday to pick up the dog (because the dude wasn't able to) and we talked for a bit (I left her the key to the apartment in a secret place because I was at work and wouldn't have been at home when she came...but she texted me that she'll wait for me and she actually folded the clothes I left out to dry). We talked for a bit and then she left (we hugged at the end but just as a pleasantry. I didn't show any signs of wanting to hang or anything).

The next day she texted me a photo of something that she knew I liked and we used to enjoy together. I replied briefly and afterwards I asked when she's free to get together and make dinner. She said that tomorrow and that was it.

Now this is where it gets confusing af. She texted me like 5 minutes before the time she should've arrived at my place telling me that she fell asleep and that she wouldn't be able to stay long if she comes over because she has to get up early in the morning, but if it's alright with me she can spend the night..and I was like "yeah, sure..bring some snakcs". 

She came over, we watched some comedy stuff on TV and when we were laying on the couch she started making contact (e.g: stretching her leg on my lap and so on). I proceeded to touch her on her legs and just rest my arm on her. Later on...I went for a kiss and she was very hesitant. She was ready to fall asleep on the couch, I layed next to her and she was just kinda going to sleep. I then got up, told her that I'm feeling too warm and I'm gonna go in the bedroom but that she knows where to find me if she needs me.

I fell asleep and woke up to her next to my bed waking me up because my alarm clock was going off. I stopped the alarm clock and she then layed next to me and cuddled on my chest. I held her for about 10 minutes and then I got up to make coffee. Woke her up, we went through a quick morning routine and then when she had to leave she went for a hug and left.

Now...there are still things I'm not doing 100% well...and I am very aware of the fact that her attraction might be very low but bruh...I just can't get it.

To me it seems like she's holding on to me due to her uncertainty and due to the fact that she doesn't want to lose me completely so she's just trying to get me re-interested in her whenever she feels like I"m not interested.

I haven't reached out to her since 3 days ago (or any other time for that matter) but at this point I just got sick of all this back&forth and I can't go further like this.

Forgot to mention that she also left some of her stuff at my place.

At this point I'm thinking that next time we get together (for whatever reason) to tell her that "yo..look...I enjoy hanging out together, but not as friends. It's something that I'm not interested in and I don't want to invest any energy into this. If you feel the same way too, we can continue hanging out and see where it goes, if not, it's fine with me, you can give me a call if you ever change your mind, but I'm out so I would want for us to both go our separate ways." 

 

Really sorry for the wall of text so here are the cliffs:

-broke up 4 months ago

-still got together from time to time when she reached out

-haven't had sex and she is avoiding kissing

-a few days ago we got together and she slept at my place (her idea) but we didn't do anything

-in the morning she came to my bed and cuddled up on my chest

-she left and we haven't spoken in 3 days (she's out with work to another city)

-planning on telling her to get on the 'party bus' or gtfo (in a polite manner)

 

I would really appreciate your kind opinions as to what I should do, and what you make of her behavior.

Thanks in advance!

[DrewNows]

Good ole corey wayne. I liked his material as well! 

I would be surprised if you haven't learned what to do from his advice. 

My thoughts are you could let her come over one more time if she suggests it but end all communication and "move on" because girls tend to want more what they can't have if you know what i mean  

She doesn't get to be the priority anymore. Keep reflecting on yourself and how you became complacent but seize every new opportunity to create possible dates with other women. 

Also if you do get another opportunity to see her again lay it all out there with your actions and not your words. Corey wayne suggests not to label anything and let her do the pursuing and when she wants a label, there you go. 

if you give your best effort in re-attracting and  seducing her "if you get that chance" and it fails, then you know and you can even ask her to leave then and there

[floresflowerscgf]

I think after all that, not reaching out to her after a sleep over cuddling is being a beta. I say give her a call and ask her where her head is at. Discuss the other night and how you feel about the mixed signals she is giving. If she seems unsure or wishy-washy without much explanation, then you have a choice if you want to keep being with an unsure partner. A little communication goes a long way. There could be more going on that could be cleared up if you just ask.

[alea]

Thank you to share your story. My fiance left me last week and said you don't have independence thinking, you need others opinion (watching YouTube videos). Of course, she has other critics on me. Maybe we play safe and girls don't feel secure with us. I want to stop being coward. I will be more open to her (maybe it is too late). Instead of unauthorised youtubers I am going to see a psychologist, maybe a psychiatrist. Actually, I just want to rely on myself. We are good enough, should we blame girls like they do us... 

[disconnected]

Thank you for your quick and on point replies. 

 

@DrewNows

 

I totally agree with your way of going at it. This is basically what I was planning to do. 

There is one thing that I couldn't find in any of Corey's videos, and that is: when is it OK for the dumpee to start reaching out after the dumper has initiated contact on multiple occasions? I know that Corey says that you should never initiate after being dumped but for how long..I'm assuming it's not a lifetime thing. 

 

At this point I think I should be  able to reach  out but at the same time I don't want to lose momentum on this NC thing I've been on.

 

@floresflowerscgf

 

Thank you for your reply. I feel like your approach is also good and I would be on-board with it, but I wouldn't discuss something like this over the phone. I would call her and have her come to my place for a face to face talk. 

Also, considering that we've been at it before and she turned me down, I am pretty hesitant when it comes to contacting her. I want to give her the freedom to come at her own pace (although only if we are moving towards something of a romantic nature and nothing else). 

 

Any further thoughts are appreciated.

 

@alea

I'm sorry to hear about your situation but I think that you are taking the right action by seeing experts about your issues.

I hope you will achieve what you want. Let us know how it goes..share your progress.

Edited September 10, 2018 by disconnected

[DrewNows]

@disconnectedTo my understanding, it is indeed a lifetime thing (hard as that may sound). But first you have to make your intentions clear. Any and every time she reaches out to you, assume it is because she wants to see you and make it a romantic date! I think the goal is to get her to start questioning her decision to have left you. Corey spoke of using social media and things to let her know about your "moving on" dating, activities, changes in your life. Any more pursuit on your part will only drive her away. 

On another note, love is playful, fun, exciting, free, and maybe mysterious. 

 

 

[disconnected]

@@DrewNows I have no idea if I should continue 'pursuing' this. I feel like if I keep inviting her over and it ain't going anywhere I just come across as weak. 

I would also appreciate other opinions as well...just to see as many perspectives as possible.

[DrewNows]

@disconnectedYeah dude idk but part of me thinks that it is out of your control. You can only continue working on yourself and doing what makes YOU HAPPY! I haven't looked at a corey wayne material in many many years but from what i remember he preaches alpha male behavior. When you get her over again you must try to seduce her (it should be natural) but if she says she's coming over as a friend and that's not what you want well tell her you have other plans. 

Most guys fail to continue courting their girls and expressing how they feel in the moment without getting too serious about what this or that means for the "relationship" 

LAST ADVICE: TRUST YOURSELF, BE CONFIDENT, ANY GIRL WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE YOU.

Good luck man 

[floresflowerscgf]

On 9/10/2018 at 0:36 AM, disconnected said:

Thank you for your reply. I feel like your approach is also good and I would be on-board with it, but I wouldn't discuss something like this over the phone. I would call her and have her come to my place for a face to face talk. 

Also, considering that we've been at it before and she turned me down, I am pretty hesitant when it comes to contacting her. I want to give her the freedom to come at her own pace (although only if we are moving towards something of a romantic nature and nothing else). 

I totally agree. I see I failed to distinguish to call and then meet up with her in person to discuss the depth and concerns of the relationship.

What do you mean that she turned you down? Like you have tried to reach out and arrange to meet up and she turned down the request? Or do you mean you talked about wanting to pursue the relationship after an interest has been shown, and she had different desires? If it is the second, then are you saying that you are not reaching out to her for fear of rejection? But if that is the situation, would it not just be a rip of the band-aid than if you wait a month, she reaches out, you guys hang out and cuddle, she retracts, and the whole cycle starts all over again? I mean, anything can happen and I cannot predict the future especially with your relationship that I have only been given a slight snip-it of... But if this has been a 4 month pattern... I don't know. 

You two were with each other for over five years though which is a pretty large investment to make in someone. Do you know why she is currently hesitant to get back together with you even after all of your changes? I feel like the answer to that question would be quiet revealing particularly with if she can decide if she wants to start something back up that's lasting.

[disconnected]

@floresflowerscgfit is the second. She came over after the 1st month and a half and we talked about getting back together and she said that she would be afraid of losing her new found freedom and that she is afraid of commitment again. The discussion was longer but this is the main highlight. 

I am not reaching out because I don't know what vibe to put out there...I would just want to talk to her and be honest...tell her that I want to make it work and make things right...but after all I've read and watched on YouTube this is the wrong way to go because it will scare her away. 

After her decision to end the relationship she actually went and spent time with another dude so at the same time I don't want to reach out as I feel like that would make it seem like I do not have any self-respect and value. 

Edited September 12, 2018 by disconnected

[alea]

Dear disconnected, I reread your posts again. You wrote, "I've been doing a lot of mistakes." and you repeated 2-3 times, "I did mistake"; then you want to improve. So I thought, "what was her mistake?" I think a relationship should involve our strong and  weak parts. You know, in a marriage they promise, "I will be always your side in good and bad times". My father got sick and lost his ability to walk after 10 years of his sickness. My mother didn't divorce him. She has financial freedom too. I never claim divorce is bad or they are perfect couple, in fact they have a lot of 'mistakes. Anyway, I mean love is unconditional. 

I want to say, you were her man for 5 years, not her friend hanging out with. What are your needs, what do you want in a relationship? Can you tell her openly: "Look, I'm sick of your back and forth!" In a book called "no more nice guy" says: "Talking about your needs doesn't mean you're needy"

For my story, I went to psychologist, we spent 1 hour 45 minutes. He is in his forties and has 3 children. I have been impressed by his approach, he gave some valuable information about my personality and past life. I'm still sceptical about psychologists, I hope he helps me to see my weakness besides making me feel good. I will continue the therapy. 

Yes, we are perfectly imperfect creatures. Keep improving.

Edited September 12, 2018 by alea

[disconnected]

@alea 

The thing goes as follows: at the beginning I was an alpha..I courted her, dated her properly. I was always the one to state when we go out and do things, but she was always pretty anti-social so she had struggles adapting to new people and environments and socializing. As the years went by I started adapting to her way of being, but only by the fact that I didn't push her to go out as much. So we started falling into this routine where we would both just work and spend time at home and smoke weed.

Right now I really feel like I want to meet up with her and set it straight that I don’t want to spend anymore time in friendship-like hangouts...it’s not working for me and these mixed signals are killing me (I wouldn’t say this to her but it’s how I feel).

I texted her today asking “what’s up” and to tell her that I won’t be able to pick-up the dog on Monday (it should be the pick-up day) as I’ll be out of town. She replied immediately telling me she’s at work and asked what I’m up to..told her that I’m at work and I let her know about the dog. She said that it’s fine and that was it.

I keep talking to her from a scarcity mindset but I do want to set the record straight and tell her that I’m done with that bullcrap. Should I ask her to meet-up if I reached out first about the dog? Or should I let her reach out again until I do ask her to meet-up?

Also, I'm glad to hear about your experience with the psychologist. I really do hope all goes well and that it helps you. I'm thinking about going to a psychologist as well but I had a negative experience with one in the past and I don't know if I want to invest in it.

Edited September 12, 2018 by disconnected

[alea]

@disconnected There could be other problems, rather than alpha behaviours. For example money. You know these things better. I never understand relationship issues. I was happy with her, I had plans for the future etc. But everything is collapsed now. I tried talking but it didn't worked, so there is a silence now and I am sad. I am in between giving up and trying to convince her. Besides that, some relationships are toxic. Extrovert and introvert, pleaser/fixer and narcissist etc. There is a magnetic pull between them.  

You know, you can try other psychologists and see what happens. I search some names on the internet and considered their backgrounds. Finally, I picked up two of them. You may lose some money, but it may be a good investment. 

Take care.