Don’t know what i want

[sgn]

@Thanatos13 I made an edit in my post so it may be clearer.

[sgn]

@Thanatos13 Maybe I misunderstand you. Don't know.
But you need to feel a sense of purpose and meaning? and since you don't experience that and don't know what that should be for you, you feel no motivation to get up in the morning?

[Thanatos13]

Pretty much. 

Learning that there is no objective meaning or values nulls action. I think that because people on here still act means they don’t fully know that. 

[Thanatos13]

That whole “surrender” that people talk about is why this is happening.

[SageModeAustin]

I know how this feels all too well. First question, do you meditate daily? If so how much and how long? Do you exercise? Do you have friends, what’s your daily schedule look like? 

[Daydreamer]

Hi Thanatos13. 

I really hear you. I understand everything you have said. I lived with such thoughts for many years. It was grinding and unrelenting. I had non-stop suicidal ideation for years, although it gave me great relief to think there was way out if I needed it. I don't know if you think you are depressed - you might not - but I was (am?). The label 'major depressive disorder' seems to fit me. My parents met in a mental hospital. So there is that.

There have been many components for me to wade through: physical, environmental, early programming, family dynamics, emotional, psychological, spiritual, relationships... you name it. Each one was a weighty contributor to my darkness. Figuring out the puzzle that I was/am has been a confusing life-long struggle. However, I am now leaving the narrative behind (mostly).

These days I am not unhappy, despairing, or angry - actually I am relatively content - but I am still dysfunctional. I can't make myself do what I want to. I avoid going out. So I am left with frustration and maybe a little bit of crazy. It feels like this is the last thing I have to overcome and it has strong energy. 

Tomorrow I have pledged to myself that I will go to the a paint shop to select paint and brushes. I intend to paint just one wall of one room - breaking things down into bite-size steps. I also intend to take my dog for a walk. If I can do this, I will feel the day to be successful and I will feel more energized than not. 

It is humiliating to only be able to achieve such small things. I once was hyper functional. Go figure. It was like I had a stoke - even though I didn't. Just to hang out a basket of washing was a major battle. But I am starting to accept that it is what it is.

I hope I have not said anything to irritate you. I remember being terribly irritable and hyper critical when people spoke to me. I am still hyper sensitive, but have my eye on it. 

Better go. Starting to rave. 

Wishing you well.

 

[Eo Ea]

I genuinely believed in my heart for years that everyone's life is meaningless. This was the main cause of my depression. I decided that I should make myself believe that all life is meaningful. Whether this is true or not - it is helping my depression.

Edited September 8, 2018 by Eo Ea
Sentence error

[Eo Ea]

To be honest with you. Deep down I can't get over the belief the all life is meaningless but I make efforts to believe the opposite. Mainly because I won't even have a life in several decades.

[Roman25]

@Thanatos13 I don't mean to come off as hostile but I am not surprised at all to know that you are depressed. I have seen your comments for a while now and I knew that you'd post something like this eventually. My advice to you is to get out of your depressive philosophy. You often say that people aren't objective but you put a double standard on yourself. These people who "aren't objective" are usually happy people - or at least happier than you are. Also, you are no more or less objective than they are.  You don't need to be objective or perfect. Life doesn't need to have objective meaning for it to be enjoyable. You say that death would be too hard so why one of the countless smart decisions you have of getting out of your depressive philosophy? And nihilism is just a neurotic idea crafted by neurotic people. It's not inherently true at all.

[Roman25]

Also, if life is so meaningless as you say then why spend your meaningless life on subscribing to a depressive philosophy rather then trying to be happy and make others happy? I'd love for you to talk your way out of that one. (Sorry if you feel like I'm attacking you. I am trying to attack the mechanism that is depressing you. I genuinely think that you'll mature into a wise and great person if you beat it.) Good luck.

[Thanatos13]

1 hour ago, Roman Edouard said:

@Thanatos13 I don't mean to come off as hostile but I am not surprised at all to know that you are depressed. I have seen your comments for a while now and I knew that you'd post something like this eventually. My advice to you is to get out of your depressive philosophy. You often say that people aren't objective but you put a double standard on yourself. These people who "aren't objective" are usually happy people - or at least happier than you are. Also, you are no more or less objective than they are.  You don't need to be objective or perfect. Life doesn't need to have objective meaning for it to be enjoyable. You say that death would be too hard so why one of the countless smart decisions you have of getting out of your depressive philosophy? And nihilism is just a neurotic idea crafted by neurotic people. It's not inherently true at all.

Actually it is. It’s meaning that isn’t inherently true. Ever since I was first exposed to it I had a hard time denying it as reality. Even Leo makes the same remarks. Philosophy isn’t about feeling good. 

53 minutes ago, Roman Edouard said:

Also, if life is so meaningless as you say then why spend your meaningless life on subscribing to a depressive philosophy rather then trying to be happy and make others happy? I'd love for you to talk your way out of that one. (Sorry if you feel like I'm attacking you. I am trying to attack the mechanism that is depressing you. I genuinely think that you'll mature into a wise and great person if you beat it.) Good luck.

Because there is no meaning in doing so. When all things have no inherent value there is no reason to change course to anything else 

 

6 hours ago, SageModeAustin said:

I know how this feels all too well. First question, do you meditate daily? If so how much and how long? Do you exercise? Do you have friends, what’s your daily schedule look like? 

Don’t know what that has to do with it. Meditation got me here, though I know not how. 

Prior to realizing this I felt alive. I found beauty in everything regardless of what it was (which make things weird). Dancing was spontaneous for no real reason. It was like life was a tempest or a roaring ocean and I was the leaf on the wind, the wave, the waters. I felt life flow through me rather than direct it. 

But then nihilism showed me that it was all in my head. That life wasn’t any of those things. That the things that people said were important and mattered really didn’t. Neither option was better than another. I can’t keep pretending things are important or that they matter, that value exists. 

[Roman25]

The smartest and wisest people in the world cannot help you since you are not looking for help. No matter how much anyone strains their mind to help you, it will not work since what you seek is emotional attention. Serotoninluv responded to this thread perfectly.

[Thanatos13]

1 hour ago, Roman Edouard said:

The smartest and wisest people in the world cannot help you since you are not looking for help. No matter how much anyone strains their mind to help you, it will not work since what you seek is emotional attention. Serotoninluv responded to this thread perfectly.

He didn’t, since he didn’t provide help. 

I didn’t say I didn’t want help, since I posted on here. But no one has said anything helpful or understands. So far I haven’t heard anything to deal with nihilism and my OP. All they do is preach, if I wanted vague nonsense I would go to church. 

[Truth]

30 minutes ago, Thanatos13 said:

He didn’t, since he didn’t provide help. 

I didn’t say I didn’t want help, since I posted on here. But no one has said anything helpful or understands. So far I haven’t heard anything to deal with nihilism and my OP. All they do is preach, if I wanted vague nonsense I would go to church. 

tell us about your personal life, what do you like? what do you do for fun? Do you have friends? a girlfriend? family? How old are you? Do you work? Where are you from? 

I'm actually genuinely curious how someone could put themselves in such a mentally stuck situation and so I could avoid how your whole mentality happened in the first place. 

Edited September 8, 2018 by Truth

[Thanatos13]

2 hours ago, Truth said:

tell us about your personal life, what do you like? what do you do for fun? Do you have friends? a girlfriend? family? How old are you? Do you work? Where are you from? 

I'm actually genuinely curious how someone could put themselves in such a mentally stuck situation and so I could avoid how your whole mentality happened in the first place. 

I don’t do anything besides sleep and school. I just play games and tv for fun. No friends, no boyfriend (gay), family tries to help but I don’t care about them, 27, I work, I live in Florida 

[Roman25]

I'm 15 and you're 27 so there is definitely a massive age gap in my understanding of what is causing your depression since I have no experience with being an adult. Perhaps you have low self-esteem and you want to get more friends or the job you have is frustrating. Friendships are a human need and you can go crazy if you don't talk to anyone for a while. I really hope that you find a solution. Perhaps there are hobbies out there that you can explore. Digital drawing and reading are my main hobbies. The six pillars of self-esteem is a book I recommend. Reading makes you fulfilled and content. What you should also do is feel the full negative emotion of your depression. Feeling a negative emotion head on makes it subside over time. Perhaps sit in a chair with your eyes closed and feel where the emotion is.

[SageModeAustin]

@Thanatos13 well the problem is you believe nihilism to be the absolute truth, so now you justify every moment in your existence accordingly so to fit this belief. Why? Did something happen to make you believe all of life life is nihlistic?

[Thanatos13]

44 minutes ago, SageModeAustin said:

@Thanatos13 well the problem is you believe nihilism to be the absolute truth, so now you justify every moment in your existence accordingly so to fit this belief. Why? Did something happen to make you believe all of life life is nihlistic?

Because nihilism is reality. Any meaning is just human invention, same with morals and values. When you wake up to that it’s just.... well there aren’t really words. I just lay in bed.

 

1 hour ago, Roman Edouard said:

I'm 15 and you're 27 so there is definitely a massive age gap in my understanding of what is causing your depression since I have no experience with being an adult. Perhaps you have low self-esteem and you want to get more friends or the job you have is frustrating. Friendships are a human need and you can go crazy if you don't talk to anyone for a while. I really hope that you find a solution. Perhaps there are hobbies out there that you can explore. Digital drawing and reading are my main hobbies. The six pillars of self-esteem is a book I recommend. Reading makes you fulfilled and content. What you should also do is feel the full negative emotion of your depression. Feeling a negative emotion head on makes it subside over time. Perhaps sit in a chair with your eyes closed and feel where the emotion is.

I promise you feeling the full negative emotion doesn’t make it go away. I feel it but it stays. 

As for the previous part of your comment, please see nihilism.

[NoSelfSelf]

@Thanatos13 you just havent queastioned deep enough to find authentic self/desires...i had the same mindset 4 months ago it could be just a spiritual purification happening....

[Thanatos13]

48 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@Thanatos13 you just havent queastioned deep enough to find authentic self/desires...i had the same mindset 4 months ago it could be just a spiritual purification happening....

I don’t think there is anything spiritual about spirituality. Doesn’t mean I’m saying it’s wrong outright, but the qualifier seems misplaced.

Second thing is that there is no such thing as an authentic self and desires. Hence my issues from childhood until now. That’s what happens when you question enough, realizing there is no authenticity to build on.