Don’t know what i want

[Thanatos13]

Title says it all and the answer is only further complicated by nihilism. 

As much as I can remember I never really knew what I wanted to do with my life because every burning desire fades the next day. People ask me all the time what I would like to do, and I have no answer. Even if there was nothing holding me back and the world was my oyster I still couldn’t give anything. I felt dead inside. 

So I went with what people said I should be doing. College, authenticity, spiritual enlightenment. I was an empty shell looking for something and only going with it because people said so, didn’t matter who (which makes the internet my enemy). 

Then came nihilism and life has been hard. Without any guiding principle I just laid in bed like a corpse. If there is is good and bad,  better or worse, and morality is just “because I say so” then I had nothing left. I try to gloss over it, but even living gets hard. It’s like “what am I living for”? Do I have to live? But dying is hard so I keep going, a walking corpse. I think I understand how vampires feel. Meeting out suffering and making people unhappy just to feel something. 

I have been living someone else’s life conventional or unconventional merely because they say so. That’s all it takes to pull my strings. 

I see people speak of life purpose or what they want, and I don’t get it. I don’t get how they know. 

[Forestluv]

There may come a point when you are ready to surrender. For now, it sounds like the self is immersed into a story it created. Realize you made it up. Next week the self may make up another story to distract you. And another and another.

[Thanatos13]

That doesn’t really tell me anything. 

I am at the point where I just lay in bed because there isn’t anything directing me one way or another (because it doesn’t exist). Even hunger and thirst are beginning to lose their hold.

[Thanatos13]

I just don’t know and never really did.

Edited September 8, 2018 by Thanatos13

[Forestluv]

Not knowing can be a good thing. It allows for possibilities.

[Truth]

Who said nihilism is true? Do you even contemplate or question anything about your own thought stories? Or are they just absolutely true? Sounds like seriously toxic degrees of stage Blue thinking that you need to start to question. 

Edited September 8, 2018 by Truth

[Jack River]

4 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

Not knowing can be a good thing. It allows for possibilities.

Right man. We tend to cling to what we already know. Then we are not open to anything new. 

Edited September 8, 2018 by Jack River

[Thanatos13]

6 minutes ago, Jack River said:

Right man. We tend to cling to what we already know. Then we are not open to anything new. 

I don’t think you understand what I am getting at.

11 minutes ago, Truth said:

Who said nihilism is true? Do you even contemplate or question anything about your own thought stories? Or are they just absolutely true? Sounds like seriously toxic degrees of stage Blue thinking that you need to start to question. 

Pretty sure I heard Leo say it. Without objective values, morals, etc i am paralyzed. 

[Forestluv]

2 minutes ago, Thanatos13 said:

 

Pretty sure I heard Leo say it. Without objective values, morals, etc i am paralyzed. 

For sure. So how about you get beyond the “I” so you don’t become paralyzed?

[Thanatos13]

17 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

Not knowing can be a good thing. It allows for possibilities.

All are empty of value though.

[Thanatos13]

4 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

For sure. So how about you get beyond the “I” so you don’t become paralyzed?

Thing is I did, albeit for a time and it resulted in this.

[Jack River]

1 hour ago, Thanatos13 said:

As much as I can remember I never really knew what I wanted to do with my life because every burning desire fades the next day. People ask me all the time what I would like to do, and I have no answer. Even if there was nothing holding me back and the world was my oyster I still couldn’t give anything. I felt dead inside. 

Same for me but I didn’t feel dead inside, but the opposite brah. 

 

1 hour ago, Thanatos13 said:

So I went with what people said I should be doing. College, authenticity, spiritual enlightenment. 

 

I did the opposite. 

1 hour ago, Thanatos13 said:

I see people speak of life purpose or what they want, and I don’t get it. I don’t get how they know. 

Me too. My parents are wealthier than shit. They say they live there life purpose but they are miserable. I never been a life purpose dude. I’m beach bum through and through and I don’t see that changing soon. I live an RV and couldn’t be more thrilled about it...I will continue to live life a surfer and die a surfer.Life purpose has it’s place for some. But so does life without the need of purpose. That’s just me. Anyway my purpose is sharing freedom bombs for others now. I have recently been free’d from my cage. Now I want to share it. 

Edited September 8, 2018 by Jack River

[Truth]

16 minutes ago, Thanatos13 said:

Pretty sure I heard Leo say it. Without objective values, morals, etc i am paralyzed. 

...Then you're gonna stay paralyzed.. There's nothing more to say. 

[Forestluv]

16 minutes ago, Thanatos13 said:

All are empty of value though.

I have found the same. When I look deeply into opinions, values, meaning, purpose etc., I find they are all inherently empty. 

Yet the emptiness isn’t lacking. It is emptiness from which all things arise. It’s true freedom. You don’t need to be anything, believe anything, do anything or get anything to be complete yourself. The emptiness is complete. 

[Thanatos13]

4 minutes ago, Truth said:

...Then you're gonna stay paralyzed.. There's nothing more to say. 

What’s the point of saying that. 

12 minutes ago, Jack River said:

Same for me but I didn’t feel dead inside, but the opposite brah. 

 

I did the opposite. 

Me too. My parents are wealthier than shit. They say they live there life purpose but they are miserable. I never been a life purpose dude. I’m beach bum through and through and I don’t see that changing soon. I live an RV and couldn’t be more thrilled about it...I will continue to live life a surfer and die a surfer.Life purpose has it’s place for some. But so does life without the need of purpose. That’s just me. Anyway my purpose is sharing freedom bombs for others now. I have recently been free’d from my cage. Now I want to share it. 

Freedom seems like an illusion. 

[Jack River]

2 minutes ago, Thanatos13 said:

 

Freedom seems like an illusion. 

Only when it is pursued brah. Actual Freedom is the absense of the pursuit of freedom. The absence of escape from what is. Illusion means we are seeking an abstraction and not facing the fact. Slave to fear and always trying to escape fear. The more the escape the more we feed fear.

Edited September 8, 2018 by Jack River

[Thanatos13]

3 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

I have found the same. When I look deeply into opinions, values, meaning, purpose etc., I find they are all inherently empty. 

Yet the emptiness isn’t lacking. It is stillness. Emptiness from which all things arise. It’s beautiful

It’s not beautiful, that’s value. It’s both empty and still. Like a yawning void.

[Jack River]

Illusion arises with fear running from itself. 

[Jack River]

Illusion arises with fear running from itself. Freedom means not being caught in the continuation of action/reaction or fragmentation. 

[Thanatos13]

1 minute ago, Jack River said:

Illusion arises with fear running from itself. Freedom means not being caught in the continuation of action/reaction or fragmentation. 

Except I have no fear, at least the majority does. The little bit left clings to life for no reason. 

The thing is I see life for the closed loop that it is. That’s when the illusion of freedom vanished for it never was. Nothing that happened could have happened differently. 

Either way I asked for help because there is a little bit left inside that doesn’t wish for death. But eventually that will fade away. But I seems like I’ll get none here, and everywhere else didn’t help either.