A New Chapter Afoot & Could Use Advice

[kieranperez]

So right now I'm finishing up with the Life Purpose course, have really been taking time each day for a few hours to really listen to my intuition and I'm really sensing the amount of change I need to make to the structure, setting, and way I live my life and who I am. I mean, orders of magnitude of change not only of the external but of course more so the internal. 

Basically what I've been coming to more and more and more is this inner need to become a sage. However, I don't like using that word sometimes because I think it deceives other people and even me when I say that. I don't want to be a sage because I want to be this "great" person or something. I really mean that I just want to get to the bottom of life to the core of it all. The more I contemplate my death the more I'm like 'I can't live my life the way most people live. I can't just die not knowing this stuff. I need to actually understand this world not on the absolute level but also on the relative.' I really spend time thinking like 'what does it really take to do what Jesus did? Or Buddha, Da Vinci, sages of the past and even of the present? What do I need to do to understand life, reality, myself, etc. to that degree? 

Where this get's tricky and really emotionally unsettling and discouraging is when I bring myself back down from my vision of what I can intuit might be possible for me back to where I am now. I mean, I don't have much money for myself personally, I work at a part-time job in retail that I absolutely resent, I didn't go to college, I live at home with my dad who I have no relationship with anymore and, if I'm really honest with myself and all of you, I'm like a man-child almost there (I'm 23 years old) it feels like because I just go back and forth between home and work and driving around and stopping to meditate for a few hours, reading, journaling etc. I haven't established a foundation of a strong hard work ethic in a long time (from years of failing in high school because I was suicidal then to failing in my sport, to a home that was spelled with almost daily threats of suicide from my mom and her own mental illness, I just began giving up more and more), I've really lost integrity with myself and my commitments/goals/projects/endeavors because of this habit of quitting, to just getting off 6 psych medications this year (1 of them, Adderall, I was on for 17 years), I live in the most expensive city in the USA to live (San Francisco) etc. 

On the one hand I can actually see myself being able to reach that sort of level in some sort of case (I'm not saying I'm going to create art like Da Vinci, or be a sage like that of Christ). What's stumping me is the common question of "how?" I just don't really know of where I can or should start given where I'm at both in terms of circumstances but also where I'm given my own personal development... which isn't far along at all. I've read the book on @Leo Gura's booklist on the memoir of the monk who gave up everything after hitting the height of his material success but I also have to acknowledge that I really don't have that foundation of confidence in myself, discipline, and the integrity with myself and my word to pull something like that off... at least on my own. I contemplate a lot about how I can start some sort of business to fuel this endeavor but I don't want to be like a bunch of other people I see now who just try to copy Leo in some fashion or another and I also don't really know what I really want in terms of my specific medium.

On the one hand I really want to go all out on this path of towards full and complete enlightenment because I really want to know what this reality is and that whole lot but also because in my own research alone I see in people how much enlightenment can empower and enhance learning about different things and different endeavors in my life which can fuel my life purpose as a career. Yet... I don't want to trap myself but studying just one facet of non-duality but just going to a monastery or ashram and just following that and limiting myself to a particular culture's perspective of the Truth. 

I also feel resistant because (well 1. I'm afraid, but 2...) I don't want this to be a form of escapism all because I don't have a career, feel inadequate, etc. I know my drive itself  is authentic, I just don't know about my path towards realizing it. 

I'm not asking to just "tell me what to do!" I'm more asking, how would you go about this? How would you really attack this? Down to hear whatever you guys have in mind. As always, thanks!

[cirkussmile]

Hi friend. 

With this post you have already taken the step. 

Now sit back and relax and see where you end up  

??

[kieranperez]

17 minutes ago, cirkussmile said:

Hi friend. 

With this post you have already taken the step. 

Now sit back and relax and see where you end up  

??

Shit isn’t gonna land in my lap from posting stuff and thinking that’s enough and then kicking back and relaxing  

Thanks though. 

[dorg]

21 hours ago, kieranperez said:

On the one hand I really want to go all out on this path of towards full and complete enlightenment because I really want to know what this reality is and that whole lot but also because in my own research alone I see in people how much enlightenment can empower and enhance learning about different things and different endeavors in my life which can fuel my life purpose as a career. Yet... I don't want to trap myself but studying just one facet of non-duality but just going to a monastery or ashram and just following that and limiting myself to a particular culture's perspective of the Truth. 

I also feel resistant because (well 1. I'm afraid, but 2...) I don't want this to be a form of escapism all because I don't have a career, feel inadequate, etc. I know my drive itself  is authentic, I just don't know about my path towards realizing it. 

 

I would follow that drive. It seems like you need some sort of structure around you to start/keep you on the path. If you went to a monastery or ashram it is my understanding that you are not committed to staying there for overlong.  Could you not just see it as a start of a more directional path? Perhaps at least more enquiry into that?

Or as a start, committing to frequent meditation and instruction at the Zen Centre that I recall you saying was near you.

Recall you also saying something against that Centre; you could go round that, ie, I imagine that you know that all your objections are just mind resistance, nothing that cannot be overcome/ignored.

But whatever... start, or follow something that will keep your vision alive. This is Most Important. This is your aliveness, your excitement, your path. No wonder you are experiencing fear - how wonderful - fear of the unknown is your own deep excitement mis-perceived; keep this manageable by following it, your own deep knowing, your authenticity, your true happiness.

 

With best wishes,

Edited September 7, 2018 by dorg

[cirkussmile]

10 hours ago, kieranperez said:

Shit isn’t gonna land in my lap from posting stuff and thinking that’s enough and then kicking back and relaxing  

Thanks though. 

Just wait and see. 

Peace ??

[Robert]

@kieranperez What's your life purpose? What's your top passion? What's your domain of mastery?

Also tell me your greatest fear.