I Believe I Am Becoming Enlightened Or Awakened

[NoOne]

*I feel like I should put a trigger warning here.  My intent is not to offend anyone.  If you have been the victim of a sexual offense in the past, please consider carefully whether you want to read this.*

I am not new to self-help, and am actually quite well-read (or I thought I was anyway).  The truth is for many years I steered far away from anything that smelled of religion or spirituality, because as a young man I was a zealous overeager Jesus Freak.  I was involved in a charasmatic church that held beliefs similar to those of the now infamous Westboro Baptist Church.  In fact, in those days, if I had known about Westboro Baptist Church, I probably would have joined it.  I was a very damaged young man.  When I first joined the church, I was full of joy and happiness and I really felt like I was in touch with God.  The forgiveness story of Jesus is powerful stuff for someone who feels they aren't good enough, and I never was, until I found Jesus.

But slowly, the joyful message of a loving God became twisted as i listened to my youth pastor rave about the evils of premarital sex and lust, and how God despises that in a young man above all.  And I bought it all.  I felt God's eyes turning from me in shame every time I masturbated.  I was truly psychotic with shame and guilt and confusion.  And an opportunity arose in which I was watching three children of a friend of mine, and the children were "playing doctor" naked in the house, and it occurred to me that this was just play and it was okay to join them and I did, and then i was instantly crushed with shame.  I never did anything like it again and I never will and if I could go back in time and change it, I would, but I can't, and the past doesn't exist anyway--except it does--what is the past?  It's just story, right?  Anyway, I confessed my crime, and I spent more years in prison than I should have because I continued to punish myself and sabotaged my chances for release.  When I finally go out, I went to school and sabotaged myself, and got an amazing job and sabotaged myself, I went back to school and finished my degree.  I started a business.  I got married.  I had a kid.  I've sabotaged myself every time I got close to succeeding because I didn't think I deserved to succeed.  I am 45 years old and own a small Internet business which is failing miserably for many reasons.  But something is happening to me and I am breaking the cycle.  It started when I discovered cannabis a few years ago, and was able to get some relief from my anxiety and agoraphobia, I began to go through a process of self-examination then.  Then my father passed away and this January, my mother, and I went into a VERY dark place.  I have been in a pitched battle for my soul since December.  I don't know how else to put it.  I was restless and anxious and searching and searching for answers, and I came here, and i felt like Leo was speaking directly to me.  I had some health issues that were directly related to my stress, but I overcame them and now I am awake.  It's my life.  How can I be the part of the reality that is what i call me, or share my gifts with anyone if I am afraid people will hate and persecute me?  But really it doesn't matter if they hate me, because I'm no one, I get that now, but my story is important.  People should hear it, as a cautionary tale if nothing else.  I don't need to tell it non-anonymously though, I think.  It is not who I am anymore.  It was 26 years ago.  I need to find a job, but I am afraid people will do a background check and find out about my past.  I have an accounting degree and a lot of business experience.  I have been self-employed for the last 9 years and counting and know a little about online marketing and website building and wordpress and ecommerce and Kickstarter (I have had several successful Kickstarter campaigns).  Without bragging, I may not know the cutting edge of business apps and technology, but I'm creative, insightful and I've been very successful at various times, but never able to continue the momentum because I was afraid if I got too big, people would find out about me somehow.  Once I had money, people would try to blackmail me,  I need a job or my wife is going to leave me.  I'm going to exercise a little of a word I haven't thought about in a long time: faith.  I'm posting this because I want to have faith that there is someone out there who is on the middle path, who could maybe use someone to team up with.  Maybe you want to team up with my business or I could team up on your endeavor, or something, but I'd like to find someone else who is awake and actively pursuing enlightenment.

Is it wrong of me to want to team up with another actualized person?  I really need some help.  I am experiencing brand new things.  Like, this is seriously changing the way I live my life.  I am almost sure it's just a trick or that I'm being duped, that it can be so easy to just live your life the way you want to and experience these thoughts and emotions as just another something that happens, like a headache, but you just feel it and let it go.  There's nothing you can do about a headache other than taking a couple of pills and letting it pass.  It doesn't do any good to get upset with the headache.  It's the same way with these stupid emotions.  It doesn't do anyone any good to get upset and ruffled by them.  They are part of our experience.  It doesn't do to blame our pasts for who we are.  Our past is part of our story, but our story hasn't been written yet.  This idea that I'm damaged because i suffered through all of this crap in my past is true, and it's true that there are an awful lot of people who would rather spit on me than accept me as a brother, but none of that matters.  I can live my life in the moment and life is beautiful and I feel like I can actually FEEL my consciousness expanding, like my mind is swelling with new possibilities of new ways to experience life without letting my emotions control me.  My wife and daughter think I have lost my mind but in a beautiful way.  I have the best conversations with my daughter now.  It was so hard for me to connect with her before, because I never really wanted a child.  My wife really wanted a child, and I wanted my wife to be happy, but I was always filled with anxiety, not that I would ever do anything to hurt my child, but that someone would recognize me and think something awful of me.  But that doesn't matter either now.  In a way, the experience of having a child has forced me to confront these anxieties.  I can't escape her.  And i don't want to.  She is amazing.  She's super smart and she reads to me or I read to her every night and she's undoubtedly one of the best things in my life. 

I found myself editing and revising a lot of this after I wrote it as my ideas about what I am going through are kind of evolving.  I can't really explain what is happening to me, but i don't want it to stop.  I want to get better, and I don't want to just get better for a little while and fail again.   I believe I can do that now, and I am very grateful for these videos.  I also wouldn't mind a hand up if someone was interested in taking on an apprentice or partner or employee...  I just want to be around people who are awake.

[Joyboy]

I dont know you're enlightened or awakened but I believe you are opening your mind so does your possibility. You was brave man. There's a quote from GameOfThrones that I found it very useful to fight fear and anxious.

"Let me give you some advice bastard. Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you." -Tyrion Lannister

[WelcometoReality]

Thank you for sharing your story. We are here to support you and answer any question that arises about your awakening.

[cetus]

@NoOne This moment is all that exists. Make the most of it.

Edited March 26, 2016 by cetus56