2C-B after 5-MeO-DMT, Masculinity, Death and Sameness

[Ar_Senses]

Intro
Frankly speaking, after a trip to the retreat with 5-meo, I was a little cautious in order to use anything. I was afraid of my own reaction and that I could not cope properly with the experience I experienced, although intuitively I wanted to bring my condition back to non-duality, this time keeping awareness to better understand the nature of what is happening, and also to feel what unconditional love is.

So, I put the substance on the tongue and first of all began to focus my mind, concentrating on the point on the wall, to have more ability to relax. I do not know how often this happens to you, but even without using anything, when I'm looking closely at any patterns, they begin to "dance", whether it's marble floor in the subway or patterned wallpaper. After a seven-minute concentration, I started listening to Leo's guided meditation on letting go, because I was aware - now that's what I miss. I was worried enough that something could go wrong in terms of my "physical" location in specific circumstances (city, society, apartment, neighbors, my body) and therefore tried to hedge, plus it was my first solo trip.

Sameness vs. Difference
After the meditation was over, I proceeded to the scheduled viewing of Leo's giant video "Sameness vs. Difference ". I had already started watching it a little earlier and realized that the topic was very close to the purpose of my trip, and I also wanted to check whether I was able to penetrate deeper into the essence of things while in such a state.

Describe what happened next seems to me a difficult task. I spent 5 hours at home in a chair in front of the laptop, but at the same time I was dying and "recovering" a bunch of times. Only this time it was felt that death is only a change in perspective, which becomes much more accessible when you are under the influence of psychedelics. Dying not the body, but the sense of separation from the rest of the context. And the "I" and "everything else around" occurred entirely inside me and it was obvious. I say "inside me," but I mean the Presence, Testimony of everything that happens. I could not define the "center" of myself, but I just felt the all-consuming "I amness". It's hard to form a linear narrative for what happened, it seems like the all occured at once, so I'll simply divide the text into insights, and below I will describe an interesting process of "self-healing" that occurred at the end of the trip.

Question of perspective
Leo's arguments about differences and similarities, as well as examples about identity and ego, made me deeply receptive to the fact that the "I" and everything that is happening around me is no more than just a choice to see what I (consciousness) see. This is how to look at the black and white coloring of the chessboard: you can see that the board consists of peculiar black and white "pluses" with the opposite color in the center of each, and you can perceive the drawing of the board as a diagonal of black and white cells or just black and white vertical (or horizontal) lines. You can choose on what to focus on - the "pluses", "diagonals" or "verticals", but seeing one order, the other, more often, is ignored.

Flying through myself
I began to feel that reality is not a physical, non-spatial and timeless glide, immersion and emergence between all possible variants of existence that "hang" at the same time. I can not think of better examples than a smartphone or laptop screen. You open the desktop, you see the application icons in front of you, you click, for example, on the browser and the search string and the inscription "Google" unfolds before you. God is the same screen, but the content on the screen changes constantly. The same "browser windows" are what's happening right now with me, you, them. In turn, the "screen" - this is the infinite reality inside of which everything that can only be imagined unfolds.

There is no place for the graveyard
My old 21 year old cat, which I love, has reached a state of health, by which it can be said that she will soon die. All this time, she was near and periodically I had a feeling that she was about to die. At the same time, I did not feel any disappointment or particular annoyance. There was no one to die. We were one whole, however, like all other space woven from consciousness. This was accompanied by a feeling that would sound like "I have nowhere to die".

The creator has a master plan
I often wonder why God needs to express himself through such guys like Leo? Why should I be interested and have a passion for all these topics if God on the contrary specifically forgets who he is and, in a sense, amuses himself with ignorance. When I watched the video and felt the deep interconnection of everything with everything, I had no better thought than that Consciousness thus trains itself for some unknown to me (Arsen) purposes. Maybe for peace and happiness for every men?

The Infinite Poetry or The Dance of Reality
A friend of mine recently went to the Ayahuaska ceremony and he told me that at some point in the trip he had the experience of being in the womb of his own mother and then of birth. He saw the doctor, father and mother and realized that he was everything. His mind asked: "Why are these people, if they are Me, brought me so much pain?". According to him, the spirit of Ayavaski answered him: "I chose to go through suffering, in order to feel deeper compassion for others."

I recently completed the Life Purpose course and can confidently say that my life mission (how I would like to influence the world) has many roots growing out of personal suffering. I know how it feels to be desperate because of the inability to understand why you live and what life is. But in animals, birds and fish, too, the body is arranged so that they suffer from hunger in order to obtain food. Maybe the question of compassion become more and more vital for humanity?

These thoughts do not appear to me for the first time. Most of my previous experiences using psychedelics, and events in life have been so concerted that it was hard to believe that it was "just an accident." Of course, to realize the need for what happened with everything else is usually obtained after the experience, but this does not apply to the use of psychedelics. When I walked down the street towards the end of the trip, at some point I felt that I was lying on the grass in Barcelona and Octavio Rettig was pouring water into my face so that I came to my senses after the 5-MeO-DMT and this feeling was so real, as if I had slipped out of the present moment and found myself in another, the same present moment. When I participated in Ayahuaska ceremony, I felt with all my heart that what is happening to me happens "as scheduled", and all the previous key events of life did not look like incoherent nonsense, but as notes creating a beautiful melody.

Am I the wounded boy?
Oh, when Leo started talking about boys who remain so in their 30-40 years, that was what I noticed. And especially when he started talking about those men whose attitude towards women was distorted by some traumatic events and now they can not build worthy strong relations. I was not hurt or emotional about it, I was not at that time tied so much to my "character" because it calmly perceived even something that is very intimate and can seem painful. After all, I often do not want to admit to myself that something may be wrong with me, that my "posting" has been interwoven erroneously and it is my responsibility to make things better. It's easier for me to think that my girlfriend may not want to come into contact because of her sexual problems, that the previous relationship did not work out because of the fact that the ex-girlfreinds and I "did not really fit together," and so on. Thus, the narrative passes into what I would call the healing process.

For me, the culmination was Leo's final phrase: "Reality is nothing but differences which are all the same and samenesses which are all different." I felt it with my whole being, although I could not wrap my mind around it.

I went outside, turned on Pharoah Sanders music and walked along the waterfront to calm down and realize all that was happening, because what I experienced was beyond time. Honestly, I even more often admit to myself that I love our hard and brute reality for its seeming constancy.

So, what Leo said about the 30-year-old boys and the injured Ego, who wants to have sex with the most beautiful women, but at the same time experiencing hatred for them, somehow responded in my mind. My mother raised me alone and was young enough, and her main "concerns" were making money so that we had food and a more or less decent life. Accordingly, she was not very developed emotional intelligence and often she was rude and even cruel to me. No, she did not beat me, but she regularly told me about what it was worth doing. A couple of years in the past, I probably would have said that I hated my mother for everything that I thought was her fault.

I walked along the street and realized how meaningless it was to blame anyone for what was happening to me. I am the only one who has made the choice to live and therefore I exist. At any moment I can dissolve into infinity and be anything, I am anything. So who else can be responsible for my current life, except myself? What is the point of looking for the guilty, if in the end everything comes down to you yourself. Those who are guilty are only those who do not realize their deep connection with all the rest and are really convinced that what is happening is happening to him against his will. I thought about it and let go of the hurt and hate directed to my own mother. In my head thoughts were confident and clean, they sounded like a powerful stream of life:

"I chose to live and at any time I can choose not to. No one can forbid me this, and therefore I am responsible for my choice. So I'm going to meet face to face with all the terrible and wonderful events of life and look at them with wide-open eyes, remembering that I made the choice to live, and therefore to meet with everything that will arise in my path. My mother endured me and gave birth, and then how much her strength was allowed and she tried to do everything. that she was able and thought it was right that I blossomed and was happy. How can I, the Consciousness, blame the Consciousness that it happened as it happened? I say thank you to my mother for the love and strength that she put into me and I thank for the love she gave and forgive for the pain caused. I forgive myself. "

I Am Who I Am
You have to be courageous to admit that something is wrong with you.
You have to be humble to say to yourself "I do not know what exactly wrong".

I've been slouching since I was a child, and although I've been making some effort to keep my back straight, I still have not managed to achieve consistency in this. Recently my girlfriend told me that she thinks that my stoop may affect my sexual unattractiveness for her. As I walked along the embankments, I wondered why I can actually stoop, why does my body curl up as if I'm hiding something and at the same time apologizing? I began to think about this and that's what began to flow through my thoughts:

"The fact is that I'm embarrassed myself. I'm embarrassed that I was born a tall, strong and handsome man who, in addition to his natural physical complexity and charm, was smart enough and manly enough to feel that he is unhappy and that life is much bigger and brighter than the pathetic days of billions of people. I am a manly and open being who, by nature, was born not a frightened farmer, but a hunter who has thirst, passion and courage to recognize reality and go to dark forests for treasure for himself and his tribe. Is it my fault that I am what I am? Is it my fault that most of you are in a sticky forgetfulness and do not find the strength to face the truth? Is it my fault that my existence makes you ashamed of your weaknesses and see all your ill health in comparison with my inner light, which I stir up brighter, risking my life, refusing approval and walking alone for what I feel is right? Am I to blame for what I am? I am so for you, because I am inseparable from all of you. For your sake, God and my own happiness, I will no longer pretend to be who I am not because of instant comfort. I will no longer seem less than I am just because I was born big. I'm a man, I'm a warrior, I'm sexy, I'm loving, I'm brave and I'm ready to put my hands in mud and shit to get minerals out. I release myself from your guilt and condemnation and declare - I AM WHO I AM! "

As I walked down the street and all these healing thoughts passed through my body, I felt deep self-confidence and satisfaction, I walked with my straight back and straightened shoulders and enjoyed my body and the awareness that I'm a big and sexy man who devotes his life his deepest passion and honest with himself. I felt that I could breathe deeply and not be afraid to be sexy. It's an animal feeling, it's an energy that I wish to feel for everyone.

Not knowing
And yet, the question "What am I" and why am I what I am left for me to be a dessert that I still have to try. At some point, it even seemed to me that God would never answer this question, because he is infinite, always changing and evolving, and even he is not always sure in what is lying around the corner. At the same time, I think he is sure that nothing can harm him, because it's all him, and he is love. What is love? I have not found a worthy answer, there is a feeling that this is everything from which existence is created. But I did not feel this enough to state finally. But it occurred to me a beautiful insight, which I would like to share with you:

Happy Life - is a daily courageous step into emptiness with the faith that both who walking and the emptiness itself made up of love.

The End
I am very glad that I have the opportunity to share my experiences as personally as I have experienced them and hope that some of you will find them useful, inspiring and interesting. If you managed to catch my Ego by the tail and you see that somewhere I confused myself, please feel free to write a comment as honest as you want.

Thank you, have a nice journey

 

Edited September 4, 2018 by Ar_Senses

[Leo Gura]

Nice!

Yeah... 2C-B can be real profound after 5-MeO.

[Forestluv]

Awesome report. I love seeing a fellow human doing the work and expanding the mind. So beautiful.

[Ar_Senses]

44 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Nice!

Yeah... 2C-B can be real profound after 5-MeO.

@Leo Gura Thanks!

Maybe you can help me with some misunderstandings. I can’t grasp, why am I scary to go into this state of emptiness fully. If this is who I am really, why does it scare me?

I mean, it feels not as pleasant as I expected and I’m not willing to go There with full surrender, because it feels like an endless sound which echo itself into infinity. And it’s also kinda lonely there.

How can I trancedent these scare and embody deep love and happiness, which I believe is the essence of everything?

 

Edited September 4, 2018 by Ar_Senses

[Ar_Senses]

@Serotoninluv Thank you! I was very inspired by your story! It’s so cool that you are scientists who went beyond materialist paradigme. I guess you are going very meta with your mind and consistency.

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, Ar_Senses said:

why am I scary to go into this state of emptiness fully. If this is who I am really, why does it scare me?

Because it is death.

All fear is ultimately fear of death.

When you exist as a shadow, you fear the light.

[Ar_Senses]

8 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Because it is death.

All fear is ultimately fear of death.

When you exist as a shadow, you fear the light.

@Leo Gura Shit, I think I’ve never heard anything more brutal and terrifying.

What can I do to trancendent it? I guess, the answer is to surrender. But which steps I can do practically to fully surrender to it?

[Leo Gura]

@Ar_Senses There is no you. You have always been just an idea.

P.S. Don't worry though, fear and death are just illusions. Beyond death lies God.

[cetus]

Death is waking up and realizing you've been dreaming.

 

 

[Ar_Senses]

@cetus56 @Leo Gura Have you experienced it?

Is it Sahaji Samadhi, when you are nothing except Groundless Ground, which feels like infinite sliding between every forms, but without focusing on any of those?

[Forestluv]

On 9/4/2018 at 4:51 PM, Ar_Senses said:

@Leo Gura Maybe you can help me with some misunderstandings. I can’t grasp, why am I scary to go into this state of emptiness fully. If this is who I am really, why does it scare me?

How can I trancedent these scare and embody deep love and happiness, which I believe is the essence of everything?

I've experience anxiety and resistance entering that place of emptiness. For me, it's about losing control. Control of my thoughts and interpretations. As well, losing control of steering the experience and losing control of being able to stop the experience. Compared to psychedelics, the emptiness of meditation is child's play - deep down I know I have control over the experience and I can stop meditating anytime I want to. Not so with psychedelics.

[Ar_Senses]

@Serotoninluv Yeah, 100%

I often heard from people that they are don’t want to do psychedelics because they afraid to lose control.

Last time I was also afraid to things like that and my thoughts was like that: what if I’ll start to behave like a crazy and will kill my cats, or will scream and neighbors call a cops, or I’ll harm myself. It’s all ego rationalizations for resistance to letting go.

But it’s also a scare of unknown: “What if I’ll let go and everything turns horrible? What if I’ll stock in the timeless trap in some psychedelic hell?”

[Forestluv]

7 minutes ago, Ar_Senses said:

Last time I was also afraid to things like that and my thoughts was like that: what if I’ll start to behave like a crazy and will kill my cats, or will scream and neighbors call a cops, or I’ll harm myself. It’s all ego rationalizations for resistance to letting go.

Yep. My mind has gone into harm anxiety as well. . . What if I run outside yelling slurs??!! What will my neighbors think??!! What if they call the cops??!! What if I text my colleagues porn images??!! I could lose my job!! What if I jump out the window??!! . . . We can't be having this surrender business, right??!!

Anything to maintain control. . . 

[Leo Gura]

47 minutes ago, Ar_Senses said:

Have you experienced it?

It? Which it?

[Ar_Senses]

@Leo Gura I mean 100% surrender to God, death. Do you remember it when you Leo again? Is there anything what can metaphorically describe that experience and how does it feels?

2 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

It? Which it?

 

[Ar_Senses]

@Serotoninluv Funny, now I’m more decisive to surrender. Even 5 minutes ago I was sitting in the living room at the county house and from the room of my grandma I’ve heard the singing on Russian:

”Death is playing us, Death is playing us

But there is no death, there is no death”

 

Edited September 6, 2018 by Ar_Senses

[cetus]

12 hours ago, Ar_Senses said:

when you are nothing except Groundless Ground, which feels like infinite sliding between every forms, but without focusing on any of those?

@Ar_Senses "It" is pure being. "It" is you without the "You".