To Cut or Forgive Toxic Parents

[DavidK]

Hopefully I put this in the right place haha 

So I finally decided I might as well see what people have to say about this issue which is now becoming more prominent. With regards to toxic parents, I regularly think about cutting my mum out of my life. The upbringing provided by my mum has been far from perfect and I have an adverse childhood experience test score of 8/10. As a whole I feel she was never there for me as a child and felt her unstable emotions were the most important thing in the house. She has all the major signs of having borderline personality disorder with a long history of heavy drinking. She got married to my stepdad (who eventually died of alcoholism) when I was 12 and he was emotionally abusive and occasionally physically abusive. Every attempt I made to tell her how unhappy I was with how things were at home were met with my mums attitude of "I'm the victim in all this, think how hard this is for me being in the middle of you two fighting like this". At one point my stepdad set up a separate fridge for himself and my mum which I was not allowed to use, and the shared fridge had close to nothing in, so I got by selling cogitates at college (UK) to buy my lunch. One time my stepdad stored some left over take away himself and my mum had had in the fridge and as me and my brother took some (there been very little else to eat) he became physical and grabbed my brother and in fear for my brother I started punching my stepdad then called the police.

We have still received zero acknowledgement or apology for any of our upbringing and to this day she parades herself as an excellent mother who's "done nothing but sacrificed" for us. These are more the highlights and don't really want to get into more detail. But more recently is clearly making an effort (in purely material ways) such as taking me out for meals, picking me up from the train station occasionally, and has always gone to hospital with me for a heart condition I was born with.  And so the question essentially is; Should I cut her out my life and if so what role does forgiveness play?

P.s. I kinda know what I'm going to do was more just interested what other people thought. I also get that forgiveness does not mean I need to have my mum in my life but can in fact do both. 

 

[PhilGR]

Don't expect from people to do what you think is correct . Remove the :"they should have treated me better" the reality is so diverse and you should better  surrender to it. Forgive people in my opinion , except if your mother bother you so much and doesn't let you to live a full passionate life , then cut her.

[YaNanNallari]

Within yourself, forgive. Otherwise, do what is wise

[Shadowraix]

Why not both?

My mother went a very dark path with her drug use putting my and others life on the line due to it. I don't hate her or resent her. But I do acknowledge having her in my interpersonal life could be very destructive. Its like separating from an SO. You may find you need to move on from them to continue growing, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have to resent or hate them.

Forgive, wish them happiness, and do what is right for your own self growth.

Edit: Just saw the P.s but still my suggestion is for both if that is what seems to be for your best

Edited September 3, 2018 by Shadowraix

[DavidK]

@Shadowraix exactly, pretty much where I am with it. 

[Salvijus]

Cut it

[brugluiz]

1 hour ago, Etherial Cat said:

Put as much distance as you can, but still try to have a relationship with her if you can handle it, even if you see her every other months. 

If not, take care of yourself and know your boundries and limits. Read stuff on the matter, try to gather opinions on how to deal with the situation. I give my family self-actualization books in hope they'd step out of old patterns, but oh man... it takes time to get results. But I do have some I think.

Hard to do anything better 

Hi, @Etherial Cat!

How are the results you're getting? Sometimes I share some actualization materials with my family in a WhatsApp group, but I have no one answers. I feel some of them just think I'm crazy due to my schizophrenia diagnosis, but I still do have some hope.

Do you think studying how to become a Spiral Wizard would help us?

[Martin123]

@DavidK oh my goodness that’s such an awful story. I am so sorry about your abusive childhood. They had no right to disrespect you in such ways, and just you being able to contemplate such thing as forgiveness only show how big of a person you are. ❤️

Yes forgive when the time is ripe for you, you deserve all the time In the world to digest and heal this experience, and yes if you feel it is the right thing to do remove them from your life. Please do not perpetuate abusive and codependent relationships behind the mask of family. 

I wish you the best time healing and growing. Congratulations on surviving that, what an accomplishment. May all the pain of your past inspire safety and joy to flower in your heart .

[Salvijus]

I think OSHO said it somewhere that only when you become free from parents you become mature. 

[Forestluv]

Parents have issues too. They are products of their genetics and conditioning just as we are. For me, this helps me have understanding, empathy and compassion for my parents. Yet, it doesn't mean I have to participate in what I see as their unhealthy ideology and behavior. I moved 600 miles from my parents and have limited communication on common interests (e.g. sports, travel, movies). I don't engage in political or religious topics with them. Nor will I engage in ruminating in the past, blaming and guilt trips. . . It took me years of personal development work before I was grounded and confident enough to set up boundaries and communicate with my parents like this.

[non_nothing]

DIdn't read your thread description, just a response to your title: It's all depend on you, and your values. Nothing is wrong in that.

[DavidK]

@Martin123 honestly means a great deal to hear this, thank you! 

[DavidK]

@non_nothing I like that answer, thanks. 

[Matt8800]

@DavidK both forgive them and cut them loose

[Salvijus]

Cut every single thing, every attachment, every bondage in your life. Not just your parents

Edited September 5, 2018 by Salvijus

[fabriciom]

Forgiveness is of the ego. If you know who you are and how everyone operates nothing needs to be forgiven.

As for your parents I would suggest to live somewhere where they cannot affect you. This doesn't mean you need to cut all ties. Just be in a place where they can not bother you.

If you cannot move then surrender to the situation and don't make it a problem. Doesn't mean you need to do what ever they tell you just don't make it an issue. This is tougher because to surrender means to surrender every cell of you body.

Good luck!

[DavidK]

@fabriciom thanks, basically I've just moved back after a year of living away, and things are very dramatic back here because me and my brother are now no longer afraid to say exactly how we feel haha. I have now planned to move to my gf's patents then get our own place. Luckily I've been saving up for this very event, and she's 250 miles away which is a long way in England ??