an honest depiction of my life, week by week,

[To the Now]

Hi my name is Paul, I would still call myself a newbie at this whole self improvement/personal development process, about a year ago I tripped on 1p-LSD soon after moving in with my brother into a new city, my mind was blown at how freeing it was for me to experience a different state of consciousness, I felt in a way that I had never experienced before, soon after, my brother showed me Alan Watts and soon after that Leo with Actualized.org. It took me a few months to get into this, A few deep trips later, including LSD, but most importantly to me, Magic mushrooms. by the end of 2017 I knew that I wanted to take the Life purpose course, and start to get my life on track. soon after, I started to feel deeply that where I am living is not healthy for me, once I heard someone say, you turn into the 5 friends you hang out with the most, and where i live? its hard to find someone not dependent on alcohol, smoking weed, smoking cigarettes,  I dont want to live around toxic or unhealthy individuals. the entire atmosphere of the City I am currently in, is just depressing. I knew a few things by February, 1. I wanted to move somewhere filled with people I would want to be around in a city where I can come alive. 2. I want to find and actualize my life calling, that one thing for me that would make life so satisfying and joyous to live every day, that would make me excited to wake up in the morning. 3. I wanted to self actualize. Late April, I got a second job to help with my savings to move. This did a few things. I lost track of my self actualizing/life purpose seeking. my Kriya practice which I had been taking seriously was halted, and my life slowly moved its way from consciousness, to mindless labor and hardly any energy. In July, I started getting my shit together and restarted the life purpose course. I instigated a daily meditation of 20 minutes. and I wish I could say its been all roses and butterflies but its not. Even though its hard to talk about, I am realizing how little I know myself. I move to Redding Ca, on the 28th, to stay with my family for about a month for a 20-25 day water fast before I move to Portland, my new home. In this new city I have a job lined up to be a barista. I love to connect with people, I love to make them smile and if their day is improved by us having a genuine conversation then I feel like I did something worth while. I know this is not my career or life calling but it is my stepping stone. I think that my life calling has to do with Music. In early August I had a deep realization while tripping on 4ACO-DMT. Music was my love. I want to make music, music that is GORGEOUS! My own kinds of music, using sounds no one has ever heard! I want it to have a message as well. I see so many different songs and artist that are toxic, and people listen to that stuff all day, it goes in their ears and they even sing to themselves these songs that have what I think are harmful words, a theory of mine is that music could be a form of affirmation. And when people listen to their toxic music, using their cuss words to complain about life problems, or talking about how important sex and money is. it does NOT help them.. It hurts me to see all these people just eating it all up! if I could change the world by writing music that inspires them to live better lives that would be INCREDIBLE! and I think that may be the area of my life purpose.  I am starting this Journal for multiple reasons. Cheifly because I want to keep myself accountable and because I want advise, and if I can share my life as it comes week by week, maybe I will stay on track better. it will also give me a chance to vocalize the experiences that will be had. I will do my best to be as honest about what my feelings are about certain situations that may come up.

 

I am currently reading the 6 pillars of Self esteem by Nathaniel Branden. and am listening to Phantoms in the brain on audible.

 

That's all for now