Oneness and sameness is torture

[11modal11]

Be very careful going down this road. use this as a tale of warning. before i came across actualized.org my life used to be so meaningful, and i was the happiest and most optimistic person i knew. i used to enjoy every moment of life in bliss appreciating the wonder of all of the variety. now i literally perceive reality as this vibrating field of oscillation where everything’s is the essentially same just the surface appearance is different and there is no separation and its just this same fucking field and im all of it and just fucking here always this vibrating field. this is literally what i perceive with my senses. it is miserable, all meaning i had and appreciation i had is gone because i see the sameness underlying all of this and my inseperation from it. not to mention in alll leos videos he says, kill yourself, die, kill your ego. so i did that, now at this point why even live? i feel like there is no point to existing anymore. this is enlightenment? this is torture, someone please help me here. I am trying to reprogram my mind to get back to when i perceived myself as an individual that was happy and had meaning in life and was unique and had things that i liked myself instead of this vibrating field that i now am with no real people just these perceptions that are an illusion as i can see "them" being materialized by this field by my very perception.  theses nothing special or meaningfull anymore its all this same field just oscillating away everywhere "i" "go". this site is the worst thing to ever happen to me. Please if someone has some techniques to reprogram me to have a separate identity again please let me know. For anyone else going down this road be very wary. maybe this is for some who can't cope with life being a person, but if youre just "curious" like i was and then socially pressured by Leo and this board thinking this is something you have to do and that literally being a person is bad, which i had to struggle with until i was no longer one what i perceived as "my life" was over . this may not be for you. I really want to forwarn anyone following this path that the end may not be what you think it is. imagine reality disintegrating before you , everything you hold as important and meaningful or special to you gone, your own identity as a person gone. in order to even have a conversation with this field you are manifesting as perceptions you perceive as people you have to attempt to fake to the mind that there are other people even when you know its all clearly one thing going on and a persistent illusion. life is now a constant "fake out" to do anything when you know how everything is this generic field here moving around and can literally see this now more than anything. So again I truly warn you that this may not be for you. And if someone has any suggestions to regain an identity and somehow forget that this is an illusion it is much appreciated, any hypnosis or something would be excellent. be careful what path you take before understanding the consequences of your life literally being over to see this. 

Edited September 3, 2018 by 11modal11

[Brittany]

You did not "kill your ego".

Your ego is alive and well. It is panicking and in fear.

You stayed within the void longer than you could handle. And your ego is in panic mode and it is terrified.

This happens when you are consumed by nihilism but don't have any Metta or Love. Nihilism without love or Metta is terrifying.

Go back into the Matrix for a while. Watch TV (comedy) and socialize with friends and family.  Do all of the things you love.

And check and see if there is a supportive spiritual community in your local neighborhood. 

Also, try Metta Meditation as well. 

 

Edited September 3, 2018 by Brittany

[11modal11]

@Brittany you are right, this is terrifying for certain if a person  can consistently emerge again i will never ever be more thankful to be one lol
 

Edited September 3, 2018 by 11modal11

[11modal11]

but again, be very careful to everyone, please know what you're really getting into here. its not as airy fairy as you have been lead to believe by many on youtube

[Brittany]

You are stuck within the void. 

It's a trap.

Here are some comedic videos about people stuck in the void:

 

[11modal11]

also there is a difference between knowing that its an illusion and literally experiencing this field every single second where reality starts to disintegrate to your actual first hand perspective lol, im gonna focus more on the objects

[11modal11]

@Artaemis same, i'd be too scared meaning i still do have an ego, so there is still hope for me lmao. i am now kind of seeing this whole situation as simultaneously terrifying and funny funny which is good! I did choose to go down the rabbit hole as they say lol.

[dorg]

1 hour ago, 11modal11 said:

in order to even have a conversation with this field you are manifesting as perceptions you perceive as people you have to attempt to fake to the mind that there are other people even when you know its all clearly one thing going on and a persistent illusion. life is now a constant "fake out" to do anything when you know how everything is this generic field here moving around and can literally see this now more than anything.

So what is the problem. It has always been like this! - except that you thought that this was real. You thought it was real by being in your mind/thought and believing it all as real, whereas in actuality all that was in thought. Now you are out of thought/belief and want to be back in it - so just imagine/think you are. What do you think all the rest of us are doing? - just this. It's just a play in consciousness/mind.

[SgtPepper]

You don't sound enlightened.

And I'm not sure you're getting it. Being doesn't feel anything like that to me. 

How long have you been doing this? What are your practices to elevate consciousness? Are you feeling with your heart? it can't be just the mind, its gotta be wholesome.

[11modal11]

@dorg lol yes i think in the long run i will be fine, just after so long of reality seeming one way it is jarring to really perceive this hahah

[dorg]

Just now, 11modal11 said:

hahah

Glad there is some light relief. 

 

[11modal11]

@SgtPepper "i" am definitely not enlightened from my experience now, reality has become as i said a vibrating filed of which "i" am that i perceive no end to, when i look at the ceiling its like i am being sucked to it, im connected to "it" by this field" but its not really there as i see it obviously just this field is really there, this shit looks way more like science fiction than whatever peace and love stuff im hearing about, id say enlightenment is reality, "i" am just a thought an idea, but clearly not actually something of substance there just is this isness that is taking on the appearancee of forms. actually if i just meditate i guess peacefu or scary depending on how the body reacts, but living life is fucking spooky when theres just this field going on 

Edited September 3, 2018 by 11modal11

[SgtPepper]

6 minutes ago, TylerJ said:

Holy shit, I am both the brown bear and the cringey guy with the girl. How the hell do I get out of this “void” state? Anyone? And also I sympathize a lot with OP. I’ve been like this for a while.

Elevate your consciousness and stop repressing your feelings.

The people in those videos are being dramatic. Duality does exist... within non-duality. 

[11modal11]

maybe i can get used to it and the fear will go away, but like i said, it is jarring after you perceived to live a life as a person for so long

[11modal11]

@SgtPepper what is elevating your consciousness, i dont understand what that means especially in this state now, there aren't really even people here its just this fucking field i can never unsee this

[11modal11]

again, this isn't conceptual using logic or whatever. i am literally perceiving this field more than i am perceiving the objects its is taking on

[SgtPepper]

2 minutes ago, 11modal11 said:

maybe i can get used to it and the fear will go away, but like i said, it is jarring after you perceived to live a life as a person for so long

you are the Self/Universe/Reality disguised as a person. You are choosing NOT to embrace what reality is by denying your ego. Transcending the ego is still important to realize the Truest Self, but the life and the play must go on. Why do you think Leo or Sadhguru or Alan Watts or Jim Carrey still play their ego part? It's still real in one way. 

 

[11modal11]

@SgtPepper yes i am literally trying to regain a solid ego haha, that is what this post was partially about, maybe some hypnosis techniques or something. its literally difficult to develop a consistent ego under these conditions, other than one that is extremely freaked out and can't understand what is happening because i dont have ground to stand on mentally ive gone to far. i am worried that reality will completely turnn into this giant field if i dont stop being present and i will either like explode or can't perceive it enough to survive.

[SgtPepper]

6 minutes ago, 11modal11 said:

@SgtPepper what is elevating your consciousness, i dont understand what that means especially in this state now, there aren't really even people here its just this fucking field i can never unsee this

What I mean by Elevating your consciousness is getting a clearer picture of reality. Wiping the mud from the pond you're looking into and realize you are staring at yourself. You are acting like Life isn't Life! It's not just a "field"! 

Are you practicing meditation on a daily basis? You want to shut your brain off to stop trying to conceptualize life. You want to just Be.

Life is magnificent, brilliant, infinite depth, endless, creative, amusing, intelligent, and more. 

Have you tried a psychedelic? 

 

[11modal11]

@SgtPepper i dont think youre getting what im saying, im pretty sure a psychedelic is the worst thing possible for me right now. im not on a psychedelic but reality feels like that right now already. im not conceptualizing anything. im telling you reality is crumbling literally right in front of my face, its like a science fiction movie or a tripand its difficult to handle.  i think ill be fine though i just have to get used to it.