Radical honesty in a relationship

[Elton]

Hello all,

I've come across this book called Radical honesty and also many actualized.org vedios point out at being honest at least on a basic level like telling the truth.

This haunts the shit out of me I'm 27 and I want to have a family but the problem is that before marriage if I'm radically honest with my future wife I'm afraid of me not being accepted.

There are tremendous problems in my psyche and I'm struggling getting rid of them pot and cigerrete addictions is one of them.

Inability to perform during sex is one of them I'm trying no fap pmo mode in hope that I get cured.

I'm anxious about the encounters I've had in the past with different people and different genders and I am afraid of any girl with accept me.

I guess self acceptance needs to take place first.

This journey is unfolding into a haunted house as all my inner demons are coming to the surface and I can't stop sufferring.

Morality is causing a lot of guilt and I can't be at ease.

I don't like to keep criticising about my life but there is no other way then releasing these thoughts.

[Haumea2018]

Quote

This journey is unfolding into a haunted house as all my inner demons are coming to the surface and I can't stop sufferring.

That's actually good.  You have to let stuff out before you are freer. "Dark Night Of The Soul" and all that.

Remember also that radical honesty begins with yourself.  Being honest with yourself.  Once that is the new habit, the other stuff takes care of itself.

[Gabriel Antonio]

1 hour ago, Elton said:

I guess self acceptance needs to take place first.

Yes

 

The term "Radical honesty" can cause a lot misunderstanding. One of them is that it does not mean you have to start telling your dark secrets all at once. It's a step-by-step process of practicing vulnerability. And to do so, it requires mutual trust. If you are just meeting a woman, for example, it would be a mistake to talk about the problems you have mentioned. Yes... they exist, but a better alternative is to share those difficult aspects of your life in homeopathic dosages and as you build intimacy with the girl. 

In the past, I fell into the trap of "becoming a martyr." I wanted to be completely honest all the time, regardless of the consequences. Long story short, it caused a lot of suffering. 

My advice for you: be easy on yourself. 

[Elton]

@Gabriel Antonio thanks for the advice... That is what I wanted to hear...

It's just that I don't want the girl to feel I've cheated her.

It's been more than 3 years with actualized.org and initially I had a lot of success but this year a lot of failure.

[Elisabeth]

7 hours ago, Elton said:

This haunts the shit out of me I'm 27 and I want to have a family but the problem is that before marriage if I'm radically honest with my future wife I'm afraid of me not being accepted.

There are tremendous problems in my psyche and I'm struggling getting rid of them pot and cigerrete addictions is one of them.

Inability to perform during sex is one of them I'm trying no fap pmo mode in hope that I get cured.

I'm anxious about the encounters I've had in the past with different people and different genders and I am afraid of any girl with accept me.

5

There is no way on earth you would hide these particular problems in any meaningful relationship, throughout years of dating before marriage takes place. Nor should you want to - these are your handicaps, the problems you're struggling with. If they are deal breakers to her, you better not get married with her. She has to know and choose to accept. 

But don't worry: she'll have her own set of weaknesses, addictions and physical ailments that you will have to choose to accept to become a husband of hers.

In a relationship, you should become experts on each other. You should know the other person in and out, and let yourself be known. And ideally, you both choose to support each other in your mutual fights with life and yourself. 

Besides, there's nothing particularly weird in your set of problems. Yeah, sure, you better get rid of pot and cigarettes, if that makes you easier to live with, improves your health and self-image. But a lot of people have addictions. And you're not the only one with ED either. 

Your anxiety about revealing this stuff is understandable if you're talking about the first two months of dating. Not two years or more before marriage. 

Practice "radical honesty" bit by bit with your friends and dates. Say "Look, I have a weakness." You'll be surprised how many times the other person says "Yeah, I struggle with that one too."

Edited September 3, 2018 by Elisabeth

[Elton]

@Elisabeth  I'm petrified by the truth and I don't even have a girl friend, just because of all this content I have come across I intute that it's the best thing to do but my balls come in my mouth when I think of being honest my gremlin project all the negative stories and throws smoke bombs of fear...

I want to transend this fear and anxiety.. I want to take my life back, I want to have a girl I can be completely honest and loyal to.

I want to give all the love I have and not hold back that's why I'm sufferring cause at the current moment I am the complete opposite and I can't be the superior man.

I have to end this negative self actualization and stop being the zen devil of self actualization.

 

[Elisabeth]

1 hour ago, Elton said:

@Elisabeth  I'm petrified by the truth and I don't even have a girl friend, just because of all this content I have come across ...

I guessed you probably don't, because then your post would be much more specifically centered around her. Did you ever have a relationship? How are your social interactions in general, outside the context of romantic relationships?

Quote

I want to transend this fear and anxiety.. I want to take my life back, I want to have a girl I can be completely honest and loyal to.

My feeling is you want to do it ALL AT ONCE, and that's a huge part of why it is so terrifying. Take those little steps. Invite a girl out. Be more honest about your troubles with a friend of yours. Dare to organize a social event.

Another approach is through awareness, watching the fear very closely, understanding what it is and where it came from, doing shadow work. How does that fear feel like in your body? What thoughts come up? What worst case scenario can happen? What exactly would be so bad about it? In your family or origin, were you not allowed to show who you are? What would happen if you did?

I believe those two approaches have to go hand in hand.

Quote

I want to give all the love I have and not hold back that's why I'm suffering cause at the current moment I am the complete opposite and I can't be the superior man.

Another step that might be necessary is reviewing your expectations of yourself, and your goals. (I can't be more specific because I'm not sure what you mean by that sentence, but there's plenty of room for a really harmful interpretation of that thought.) Working with a therapist is good (but not necessary) for that. Good seminars are great too.

Work with intention. Decide, that you will be ____ (more loving, honest, open, confident - pick what appeals most). Then don't push too much, trust that it will happen overtime. You will find these little opportunities to try out new behavior in ways that are rather exciting then overwhelming. As months go by, you will start to see changes.

You can gain that social confidence, like I am gaining mine, I promise. It's just not going to happen in an instant.

Edited September 3, 2018 by Elisabeth

[XYZ]

I'd highly recommend you read this latest book by Neil Strauss. I picked it up last year because I read The Game multiple times and wanted to see what happened to him, and he describes in depth the long journey from being a player cheating on his fiancée, to experimenting with multiple relationships based on radical honesty and vulnerability, having crazy sex adventures while trying to figure out what the best type of relationship is, and ultimately getting married and having a kid.

[Elton]

@Feel Good i have faith that there will come a day very soon when I will accept myself and love myself.

I guess I will have to do the exercise I have avoided for years the looking at the mirror and saying I love myself