Introvert Paradox

[MM1988]

How do you resolve this paradox?

 

If I'm with friends and I had no alcohol I'm always the quiet one at the table. My friends are always confident, joking around and easily get the girls attention. I do talk but I'm not this hyper active over the top guy and I often dont know what to say and I like to listen more.

On one hand I know that this is who I truly am and everything else is a role I play. On the other hand I hate myself for it because I will never get a girlfriend if I keep behaving like this. So should I be comfortable being myself (and stop hating myself if I once more had nothing to say, or some awkward moment happened) or should I work on being more extroverted and active, I dont know. How have others resolved this?

Edited September 2, 2018 by MM1988

[Shadowraix]

Is that truly who you are or are you still acting based on how you were raised?

A lot of kids become introverts due to their environment more than their inherent nature. 

Having a companion in life is nice and all, but you should be wary in living in such a way to where it becomes a necessity for you. Not having a companion shouldn't be a problem per se to an extent where you should change behavior. You know if it happens it happens, if not it doesn't. I find having the intent of befriending is a lot more helpful than seeing any girl as an intent of a potential mate because then you get caught up in beating yourself up. I met my girlfriend by engaging in a meme war. I talked to her and helped her out through any difficulties in life like I would any other person and soon enough she asked me out. (1 year into it now)

On another note being quiet and introverted doesn't inherently imply you won't find a companion. I had a lot of social anxiety during high school and was VERY quiet and reserved to those I didn't know. Girls occasionally would become interested in me and try to actively engage in conversation with me. Even when I went to parties I was the same in being a listener until I got some alcohol. 

If alcohol loosens you up into being social then you do have a social side. When you're in those situations, be aware of how you act or think. When somebody says something, do you have any wonder or some way to relate that you think of. Do you hesitate a lot?  Do you become self analytical with every action? 

Alcohol is big in taking away the side that causes self doubt so that you can act more on pure thought and desire I think. If you can become aware of why you act the way you do then you can possibly get to the root of it and change it up.

 

I'm no guru or dating expert by any means and all of this comes from personal experience and what ive seen in those around me.

[MM1988]

@Mikael89 I have the exact same line of thinking!

[K VIL]

 mikaels reasoning is pretty limiting stuff, unless thats missed sarcasm.

I used to be worried about my introversion until I found a girl who didnt mind. Believe me, introversion is the least of your problems.

Do you have a life worth sharing? Are you caring? Are you direct? Honest? Have your own sense of humor?

All of these qualities are just as engaging as extroversion itself...

I guess it will just take luck, if you're not willing to do the work to see this for yourself.

[RabbitHole]

That is not who you are, work on removing everything that you are not, meaning basically every mental blockages, insecurities and you will be surprised what you actually are. As guys above posted, you're introverted because of past experiene, parenting, environment, forget everything that you are and build from scratch in a way that's the most beneficial for you, but keep in mind to stay in loving state so others can also benefit from your growth.

Years ago I was also deeply introverted, couldn't really talk to girls etc. Lot of self work and now I can talk to whoever I wan't, whenever I wan't and It almost always works out the way I wan't. What you should do is:

1. Understand that everything you believe you are is crap

2. Seek the roots for that crap as past experiences that made you that way, parenting etc. 

When you find the root you understand that It wasn't you, but some experience created you that way.

3. Be you as the crap is removed, brainwashing yourself with mantras while meditating also works.

4. Fail & learn infinite times. You will struggle, you will fuck up, that's life, that's perfect.

[SageModeAustin]

12 hours ago, MM1988 said:

On one hand I know that this is who I truly am and everything else is a role I play. 

Be careful with statements like this. Remember you aren't anyone. You are nothing and everything at the same time. Take on a cosmic identity, because that's what you are. You are literally a sun baby. Star dust in the universe. 

The problem with statements like: who i am, i am not that type of guy, that's not me is that they are all logically false. How can you be something that doesn't exist? Lol. Who you think you are are actually just merely fleeting images in your head, a big storm of ideas, nothing grounded in reality. Other words, it's a big storm of bullshit. 

Paradoxically by accepting that there is no self, the stronger the self is, because you are able to adapt instead of maintaining, and since life is always changing every SECOND, being able to ADAPT is a much more “solid” version of self.
 

Edited September 3, 2018 by SageModeAustin

[RabbitHole]

40 minutes ago, SageModeAustin said:

Be careful with statements like this. Remember you aren't anyone. You are nothing and everything at the same time. Take on a cosmic identity, because that's what you are. You are literally a sun baby. Star dust in the universe. 

The problem with statements like: who i am, i am not that type of guy, that's not me is that they are all logically false. How can you be something that doesn't exist? Lol. Who you think you are are actually just merely fleeting images in your head, a big storm of ideas, nothing grounded in reality. Other words, it's a big storm of bullshit. 

Paradoxically by accepting that there is no self, the stronger the self is, because you are able to adapt instead of maintaining, and since life is always changing every SECOND, being able to ADAPT is a much more “solid” version of self.
 

Just want to put big AGREE.

Who is "I" saying that?  

[MM1988]

@Feel Good definitely, I think its time to take a step backwards and get off this forum for a while

[tsuki]

14 hours ago, MM1988 said:

On one hand I know that this is who I truly am and everything else is a role I play.

@MM1988 Stop playing.

14 hours ago, MM1988 said:

On the other hand I hate myself for it because I will never get a girlfriend if I keep behaving like this.

A girlfriend is not a substitute for loving yourself.
Feelings are not pointers to the stuff that you should acquire to silence them down.
If you hate yourself, then you will always need something to silence the hate down.
Once you have the girlfriend, you will hate yourself for something else (not earning enough money for example).
Sit your ass on a couch and feel the self hatred until you cry yourself to sleep. Wake up, rinse and repeat.
Do it until the self hatred becomes indistinguishable from self-love.

14 hours ago, MM1988 said:

So should I be comfortable being myself (and stop hating myself if I once more had nothing to say, or some awkward moment happened) or should I work on being more extroverted and active, I dont know. How have others resolved this?

Anything you acquire out of a need to silence an emotion down, you are better off without.

Edited September 3, 2018 by tsuki