Re: I'm In Agony. That's Right, Nobody Cares.

[dystopia]

I've gained some new insight since posting this thread.

Does a human being have value just for existing? I want to think so but sometimes I think this is just a cop out.

This is just positive bullshit thinking people spew out to make themselves feel better about not having accomplished anything other people can use.

I went from being dependant on my mother to idolizing my husband and becoming dependant on him. Putting him up on a pedestal for his accomplishments and ignoring myself.

After I left him, I went straight to depending on my "good friend", John (the fucking embodiment of the White Knight archetype), and putting him up on a pedestal for spoiling the hell out of me. Which was the polar opposite of what my mom and ex-husband did.

Well guess what, he ended up abandoning me too. He found a girlfriend to White Knight and all of a sudden neglected me, completely.

Nobody has ever really cared about me. Want to know the truth? Every single person only cares about what they can get from you.

My mom never cared, she just patronized and criticized me because she has no self-worth & was also abused.

My ex-husband didn't care because he just wanted the perfect, pretty little wife who did as she was told & who he could let out his frustrations on.

My friends who left me didn't care.
My best friend John didn't care. He just used me because helping me gave him value and made him feel good because he hasn't accomplished shit in his life either.

My friend I met on this forum helped give me a lot of insight about my problems. Then he abandoned me and told me he didnt really care & to seek a psychologist because he couldn't help me anymore. At least he had the decency to be honest.

I talk to people all the time but they dont really care. The forum, chatting, hobbies, moping around. All of it is just a distraction. It's a distraction from doing the real work I know I can do. It's a distraction from the hollow emptiness and loneliness I feel inside, that comes from putting it off.

Unconditional love? What the hell is that? I didn't even get it from my mother.

And the agony will never subside. Not until I stop bullshitting myself and actually build the life I want. Maybe then I'll have something to offer and be able to build real relationships. Maybe then I can find someone who really cares.

But probably not.

So if you're out there feeling like a piece of trash because you haven't done what you have always planned on doing: you're right. You're trash. Now stop it. Do something about it. 

Edited March 25, 2016 by shouldnt

[nbolt]

4 hours ago, shouldnt said:

Want to know the truth? Every single person only cares about what they can get from you.

Unconditional love? What the hell is that?

So if you're out there feeling like a piece of trash because you haven't done what you have always planned on doing: you're right. You're trash. Now stop it. Do something about it. 

In a technical sense, yes I would say the statement is mostly correct, but I'm not sure this has to be viewed in a purely negative light. All the people in your life that you described cared about lower consciousness and selfish values. But what if what you cared about, what you are fighting for in life, is something else? Something like, "I want to see more compassion in the world" or "I want to see more people around me happy". Sure, in a technical sense, these are personal, kind of selfish goals of yours, as there will always be something we are looking to achieve something with every action we take, but if we can associate with the right people we will be able to find more congruence and happiness in our lives.

You are very right to discard every toxic person in your life. Everyone you described above, you don't need them. At the same time, though, and I've said this point at multiple points throughout various posts and conversations on this forum, but I'm just going to say it again: we can only hold around 150 meaningful relationships in our lives, and there are seven billion other people on the planet. The unfortunate part of this is that a lot of these people aren't really people you want to associate with. The fortunate part is that you don't need to find very many with whom you do want to.

You touched on another important point, which is that you need to figure yourself out first before really focusing on your relationships with others. You do need to take 100% responsibility for the life you want to create, and when you have more of a grounded, confident grasp on who you are and the values you care about, you can start taking steps to fully embody them in your actions and persona, and will naturally be attracted towards other people who are doing and care about similar values.

From an enlightenment perspective, I would define unconditional love as the realization that ultimately we are no different from one another so love of yourself becomes love of everyone, and you go on to fully embody that in your life.

From a more mundane, practical perspective, I would define unconditional love just as normal folk intuiting a bit of the above, and striving towards becoming a better person, and attempting to realize these higher consciousness values in their lives, replacing lower consciousness ones. Sometimes we mess up; sometimes we aren't perfect. But if take life as a moment-to-moment experience, and focus less on the judgement of others, and more on internal, personal growth and what actions we can take to live a more fulfilled experience ourselves, I think we can all start working towards a better outcome for everyone .

Edited March 25, 2016 by Neill Bolton

[Kelley White]

3 hours ago, shouldnt said:

Does a human being have value just for existing?

@shouldnt Wonderful question.

3 hours ago, shouldnt said:

I want to think so but sometimes I think this is just a cop out.

This is just positive bullshit thinking people spew out to make themselves feel better about not having accomplished anything other people can use.

What feeling is underneath this?  I'm sensing you are hurt and expressing it through anger?  I don't know I'm asking?

3 hours ago, shouldnt said:

I went from being dependent on my mother to idolizing my husband and becoming dependent on him. Putting him up on a pedestal for his accomplishments and ignoring myself.

After I left him, I went straight to depending on my "good friend", John (the fucking embodiment of the White Knight archetype), and putting him up on a pedestal for spoiling the hell out of me. Which was the polar opposite of what my mom and ex-husband did.

Well guess what, he ended up abandoning me too. He found a girlfriend to White Knight and all of a sudden neglected me, completely.

What is the pattern?  What is the consequence of the pattern?  What do you think keeps you looping in the same pattern?

3 hours ago, shouldnt said:

Nobody has ever really cared about me.

Is this really true or does it just feel true right now? 

3 hours ago, shouldnt said:

Want to know the truth?

Yes

3 hours ago, shouldnt said:

Every single person only cares about what they can get from you.

I don't find this personally to be true?  What motivates you to help others?  Is this really a truthful statement or an emotional reaction?

3 hours ago, shouldnt said:

My mom never cared, she just patronized and criticized me because she has no self-worth & was also abused.

Is this true?  I suspect if she NEVER cared she wouldn't take the time to comment?  Do you find absolute statements tend to be truthful or untruthful by and large?   Could it be true she cares but perhaps doesn't know how to effectively communicate she cares to you?  Is it possible she cares and you are unwilling to receive it because it doesn't come packaged the way you would like or feel you might need?  I don't know, I'm asking you to be open to more  possibilities at the moment.

3 hours ago, shouldnt said:

My ex-husband didn't care because he just wanted the perfect, pretty little wife who did as she was told & who he could let out his frustrations on.

Lets assume this is totally true, he is your ex husband correct?  When did you stop caring as well?  You removed yourself from the situation.  Good for you.  Did you use that anger to motivate you to get out?  How can you use it to serve you now so it is not self defeating?

3 hours ago, shouldnt said:

The forum, chatting, hobbies, moping around. All of it is just a distraction. It's a distraction from doing the real work I know I can do. It's a distraction from the hollow emptiness and loneliness I feel inside, that comes from putting it off.

You are here.  Is it really just a distraction?  Are you looking for validation?  Healing?  Connection?  I hear you feel hollow and empty.  Can you explore that feeling more?  Where is that feeling coming from?  Where do you feel it in your body right now?  Can you just sit with that for a bit without judgement? 

3 hours ago, shouldnt said:

Unconditional love? What the hell is that?

Its the thing you perhaps gave yourself without acknowledging it so you have the 100% survival rate you have to date?  What is it you feel like you are putting off?  Why are you putting it off? 

3 hours ago, shouldnt said:

And the agony will never subside. Not until I stop bullshitting myself and actually build the life I want. Maybe then I'll have something to offer and be able to build real relationships. Maybe then I can find someone who really cares.

But probably not.

So if you're out there feeling like a piece of trash because you haven't done what you have always planned on doing: you're right. You're trash. Now stop it. Do something about it. 

Do you really feel this way?  Would you really want someone else to feel like trash?  This sounds pretty harsh.  The just stop?  Sounds a bit harsh as well.  If everyone were capable of just "stopping"?  I doubt we would need forums like this, or mental health professionals.  I am wondering what triggered you so badly this morning?

[Kelley White]

1 hour ago, Neill Bolton said:

figure yourself out first before really focusing on your relationships with others. You do need to take 100% responsibility for the life you want to create, and when you have more of a grounded, confident grasp on who you are and the values you care about, you can start taking steps to fully embody them in your actions and persona, and will naturally be attracted towards other people who are doing and care about similar values.

From an enlightenment perspective, I would define unconditional love as the realization that ultimately we are no different from one another so love of yourself becomes love of everyone, and you go on to fully embody that in your life.

@Neill Bolton, thank you!  Absolutely wonderful.

1 hour ago, Neill Bolton said:

 Sometimes we mess up; sometimes we aren't perfect. But if take life as a moment-to-moment experience, and focus less on the judgement of others, and more on internal, personal growth and what actions we can take to live a more fulfilled experience ourselves, I think we can all start working towards a better outcome for everyone

Again, just gold.  Thank you.

[Philip]

@shouldnt Excellent advice again everyone ! Now what I'd like to bring to you is a personal lesson of mine.

During all my childhood, I've always been obsessed with other people's opinion of me. I always wanted to look perfect to everyone. And I didn't succeed in that. At all. I came off as a shy, weird, untalented and weak kid.

One day, I decided I would solve the problem. But instead of solving my obsession directly at its root, I did what I knew best at the time :

Instead of not caring about what they thought, I just obsessed about becoming charismatic, charming, confident and strong. After a few months, it gave pretty good results, but the obsession was still there...

Most people would say I wasted my time by trying to make a better impression on others. But did I ?

Or did I simply make good use of the only tools I had, in order to explore my problem and finally find what its real solution was ?

Of course, this whole time I wasn't working on the root of the problem, but it looks like that journey gave me the wisdom to eventually find out where the root really is.

And it seems like you're doing the same thing right now. You certainly don't sound as lost and desperate as last time, so that's a good step already. Now you seem to be more on the angry and nihilistic side of things.

And what I'm saying is : use that !

Use the energy of anger to get moving, if it's all you have access to right now.

Use the detached attitude of nihilism to stop caring so much, if it's all you have access to right now.

Use our help to learn how to help yourself, if it's all you have access to right now.

And if you feel like you have access to more, then do more !

If you feel like you don't, then do you.

[DizIzMikey]

@Philip Reminds me of a game called

Neverwinter Nights 2: Mask Of The Betrayer

He has to feed, but if he feeds for too long he will die and the infection of the beast or curse that is within him will consume him

Thanks for that, reminds me of myself in some form or another

[DizIzMikey]

A human has value if you believe it does, but just because you believe it does, does not mean it is the truth, however

Rooted in that just as someone believes Jesus is the one truth, you can easily fool yourself you know the truth, but truth "I believe" is never subjective, of course I'm not sure myself.

I've heard this saying that says, your existence is enough for your value, than again what about the alternative of being trapped here?

What's the best way to keep an immortal something that cannot be destroyed? Make them forget who they are and believe a truth that suits the abuser, of course this is just a THEORY.

If it is a cop out write that question down, and list the reasons why you think it's a cop out, maybe that will help

YOU SAID

"I went from being dependant on my mother to idolizing my husband and becoming dependant on him. Putting him up on a pedestal for his accomplishments and ignoring myself."

Please please please don't do that...You are worth it, you deserve to feel good from my POV... Address your needs for we all have them

A good idea is to not put anyone on higher ground, what helps me(I KNOW IT MIGHT BE KINDA WACKY TO SOME) but I picture the person shitting or farting and it makes me laugh...heh

TRULY IF ALL IS ONE, THAN NO PART IS GREATER THAN THE OTHER...FOR WITHOUT THE FEET THE LEGS COULD NOT WALK..  WE ARE ALL NECESSARY.

"Nobody has ever really cared about me. Want to know the truth? Every single person only cares about what they can get from you."This might sound funny, but I care, because I know what it feels like to be abandoned.... I'm here if you need me

 

Bullshit on nobody cares... you don't know if nobody cares, you've just grown up in a harsh environment where you THINK nobody cares.

Oh and... so if BOTH OF YOU GAIN something from it, the relationships you choose to enter, I guess you both care to gain something from it hmm? Just a thought

I CARE! .. one can care... one cannot, one does not know if they care, one does not know if they know they care

Choose thy path =)

 

 

Edited March 25, 2016 by DizIzMikey

[Emerald]

8 hours ago, shouldnt said:

I've gained some new insight since posting this thread.

Does a human being have value just for existing? I want to think so but sometimes I think this is just a cop out.

This is just positive bullshit thinking people spew out to make themselves feel better about not having accomplished anything other people can use.

I went from being dependant on my mother to idolizing my husband and becoming dependant on him. Putting him up on a pedestal for his accomplishments and ignoring myself.

After I left him, I went straight to depending on my "good friend", John (the fucking embodiment of the White Knight archetype), and putting him up on a pedestal for spoiling the hell out of me. Which was the polar opposite of what my mom and ex-husband did.

Well guess what, he ended up abandoning me too. He found a girlfriend to White Knight and all of a sudden neglected me, completely.

Nobody has ever really cared about me. Want to know the truth? Every single person only cares about what they can get from you.

My mom never cared, she just patronized and criticized me because she has no self-worth & was also abused.

My ex-husband didn't care because he just wanted the perfect, pretty little wife who did as she was told & who he could let out his frustrations on.

My friends who left me didn't care.
My best friend John didn't care. He just used me because helping me gave him value and made him feel good because he hasn't accomplished shit in his life either.

My friend I met on this forum helped give me a lot of insight about my problems. Then he abandoned me and told me he didnt really care & to seek a psychologist because he couldn't help me anymore. At least he had the decency to be honest.

I talk to people all the time but they dont really care. The forum, chatting, hobbies, moping around. All of it is just a distraction. It's a distraction from doing the real work I know I can do. It's a distraction from the hollow emptiness and loneliness I feel inside, that comes from putting it off.

Unconditional love? What the hell is that? I didn't even get it from my mother.

And the agony will never subside. Not until I stop bullshitting myself and actually build the life I want. Maybe then I'll have something to offer and be able to build real relationships. Maybe then I can find someone who really cares.

But probably not.

So if you're out there feeling like a piece of trash because you haven't done what you have always planned on doing: you're right. You're trash. Now stop it. Do something about it. 

On the practical level, a feeling of low self-worth can come from not acting to your fullest potential. So, there are practical methods for getting yourself to where you want to be in the "doing" realm.

However, actual worth doesn't even exist. Worth, meaning, and value are factually not a feature of external reality but merely a feature of the human mind. So, value is only in existence from a particular person's subjectively held beliefs.

For example, if you believe that being religious is something of value, you could potentially conclude that anyone who doesn't follow that religion doesn't have value. If you believe that being (black, white, Asian, etc) is something negative, then you could potentially conclude that anyone who falls into those categories doesn't have value. But all of this is subjectively derived based upon individually and culturally held values, and doesn't point to an objective value in reality. Much like human beings put labels of worth on objects in the store, that is only a subjectively derived value. There is nothing about a gallon of milk that actually equals $4.39. It is based upon our socially accepted currency and belief of its worth. It is the same for labels put upon humans. 

But the objective reality, is that everything just is. This sounds abysmal from the average perspective because we're so used to assigning labels of worth and worthlessness upon people, objects, events, ourselves, etc. But when you become conscious enough to what reality consists of and where reality springs from, you realize that you are priceless and no value could ever be assigned to you because you are a manifestation of something infinite. You are both part and whole of the fabric of reality, and are loved from every direction even if it isn't apparent right now. You are valid and lovable simply for existing, and so is everything else. Everything is always in perfect order, and you are part of that perfection. 

Don't ever expect anyone else to see your true "worth."  Love doesn't come from other people seeing your worth. If a person hasn't done a reasonable amount of consciousness work, they are going to be too unconscious and afflicted by their own conditionings to see anyone's true value anyway. They're caught up in worth game. But if you become conscious of yourself beyond the labels you place upon yourself, you can truly love yourself regardless of what you do, how you look, or who you are. Even if you had spent your entire life murdering people, it can't make you invalid. 

But the higher self, also has ways of practically guiding us to where we need to be. Sometimes that entails producing negative feeling-states to move us in a better direction and away from actions and relationships that don't suit us and toward ones that do. So, in this case, it's important for a person to give themselves a kick in the ass, stop moping, and actually do something valuable with their life.

But paradoxically, the things we do can never make us any more or less significant or valuable. We're already infinitely valuable. But there are actions that create a happier, more fulfilling life. 

[Ayla]

@shouldnt , You need to look into the NPD - Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I've had a mother like what you describe, and also attracted same type of mirrors - people into my life, until I realized that these people were there for a purpose: to have me heal the wound (scapegoat). Think about it as a tooth ache. If it would not hurt, you'd never go to the dentist. There is a lot of info on youtube about this matter, and I agree with the no-contact advice, but not with the hatred that is being built upon the narcissist. Hatred only hurts yourself, nobody else. 

[dystopia]

19 hours ago, Kelley White said:

What is the pattern?  What is the consequence of the pattern?  What do you think keeps you looping in the same pattern?

I've been trying to figure that out. I know it's not what I really want. Just some unresolved wound that I carry with me that I need to figure out the root of. That's one reason I've been avoiding getting too involved in relationships, for now. I'm aware of the pattern. I've just yet to fix it.

19 hours ago, Kelley White said:

true?  I suspect if she NEVER cared she wouldn't take the time to comment?  Do you find absolute statements tend to be truthful or untruthful by and large?   Could it be true she cares but perhaps doesn't know how to effectively communicate she cares to you?  Is it possible she cares and you are unwilling to receive it because it doesn't come packaged the way you would like or feel you might need?  I don't know, I'm asking you to be open to more  possibilities at the moment.

You're right. I was exaggerating because I was mad when I posted this. My mother was also abused so I don't blame her for not knowing how to communicate love towards me. I'm also a bit bitter at how much better she's treated my little brother. Although he got his share of criticism, as well.

19 hours ago, Kelley White said:

assume this is totally true, he is your ex husband correct?  When did you stop caring as well?  You removed yourself from the situation.  Good for you.  Did you use that anger to motivate you to get out?  How can you use it to serve you now so it is not self defeating?

I think I carried the anger over to my next relationship. Nothing was really resolved. I just ran away. While I still could, I thought. While I was still young and had a chance at a better life. 

That's all for now.

[FindingPeace]

This is an interesting topic. It addresses a realisation I came to a few months ago.

On 24/03/2016 at 3:46 PM, shouldnt said:

Want to know the truth? Every single person only cares about what they can get from you.

And this is it.

When you really look in to it you discover that people only care about others because those others serve their agenda in some way. We all do this. Think about why you care about anyone - your parents, your siblings, your wife, husband, child, friend... If they left you how would you feel? Empty, invalid, unapreciated, lonely.. As living beings we only operate from our own selfish agendas. We don't care about anything that has no reward for us. It's the truth. Deep down. The only thing is, some people 'care' at the other's expense whereas others 'care' and actually give something too. But here's the thing - so why do we want people to care about us? Because we get something from them.

We're all actually playing the same game, working from our own agendas of "what's in it for me?". We care for someone because they in some way give value to us. Likewise, we want to be cared for by someone because we get something from them.

So what do we do with this?

The question to ask is, why do you need to be cared for? It's easy money. We all want a freebie. It's easier to take something from others than to cultivate that thing for ourselves. Giving away responsibility rather than taking it. The reality is that we should all care for ourselves, independently from everyone else in our lives. Remove the need and dependence on others. Take responsibility. But this is harder and requires more emotional effort. However, when people do offer us their 'love' and 'caring', sure it serves them in some way, but if they are offering something that we can use, offering us some value, then we can take it and accept it, for as long as it lasts.

There really is no such thing as unconditional caring or love. It's always great until it stops serving the 'giver' at which point they walk away to find someone else to provide whatever value it was they were seeking.

I'm not saying this in any kind of negative "what's the point" way. It's just a fact of reality. A fact of life. There is no escaping the selfish agenda of humankind - the pursuit of comfort, security, validation and approval. Some people need these things more than others. Those that do will be more likely to pursue them at the expense of others and offer more conditional love and caring. Those that need those things less will be more genuine in what they are offering and less conditional.

For me the moral of this realisation is to become independent of the 'value' that other's 'offer'. Value ourselves, care about ourselves and love ourselves. Then it no longer matters what anyone else says or does. We can accept what others give us and be ok when they take it away and leave us. In fact we will seek value from others much less if we take more responsibility for our own happiness and our own lives.

On 24/03/2016 at 3:46 PM, shouldnt said:

Does a human being have value just for existing?

What is value? I googled it:

the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.

All comes back to the same thing. Do we have 'value'? Only to someone who derives some value from us that suits their agenda. Value is in the eye of the beholder. The only value we need is to ourselves. Value yourself, for your own agenda. We're not here for the benefit of others or to serve others or to please others. We're here for our own benefit. To find our own value and most importantly to value life itself in whatever way works for us.

Edited April 11, 2016 by FindingPeace

[Yukise99]

I think what I relate most to you is that "we're both fucked when it comes to following our own advice" it seems that every time either of us make progress in our life we just take several steps back. I don't know why life is designed to be this way for us but know that I can't put on a fake smile and tell you that things will get better. I don't know how things will progress in our life, but reading your life story reminds me that we are not promised tomorrow. The only thing you or I can do when we're in fucked up situation is to remember that tomorrow is promised to no one and neither is happiness. We have to seize such things with our own bloody hands and that's the way we like it. 

On 3/25/2016 at 8:46 AM, shouldnt said:

 

So if you're out there feeling like a piece of trash because you haven't done what you have always planned on doing: you're right. You're trash. Now stop it. Do something about it. 

 Thank you for the sound advice, I've been putting myself down because I suffer from mental illness and kept thinking to myself that I'm worthless trash onto society. But your advice to do something about it has filled me with determination to find a work around for my mental illness and support my family. 

 

Cheers. 

 

 

Edited April 12, 2016 by Yukise99
Grammar mistakes.

[FindingPeace]

On 11/04/2016 at 0:41 PM, FindingPeace said:

When you really look in to it you discover that people only care about others because those others serve their agenda in some way. We all do this. Think about why you care about anyone - your parents, your siblings, your wife, husband, child, friend... If they left you how would you feel? Empty, invalid, unapreciated, lonely.. As living beings we only operate from our own selfish agendas. We don't care about anything that has no reward for us. It's the truth. Deep down.

I want to add something to my last comment about 'caring'. I was doing some deep introspection yesterday and I had an important realisation on this subject.

So I've made the claim that we really only 'care' about people because those people in some way provide value to us. That our 'caring' is conditional upon that value. Actually, another word for 'care' would be 'value'. "I value you...", "I value your happiness or your health.." etc

But whilst trying to resolve some inner feelings I was having yesterday I discovered another form of caring that contains a vital ingredient: empathy - 'the ability to understand and share the feelings of another'. Effectively empathy means that we can relate to and identify with the thoughts and feelings of another person. It's not something we really have a choice in. We either empathise or we don't. It is an in-built mechanise within our brains and many social animals share the ability.

What's the relevence of this? I realised that it is possible to care about someone because you empathise with the way they think and feel. It's kinda like a 'mind-meld'. A form of psychological intimacy. Because if you empathise with someone then you feel and think as they do. You effectively experience what they are experiencing. You 'become' them. You have no choice but to care about them as if they were you, and to treat them as if they were you. To empathise is as close to selflessness as we can get as an egoic species. Think about the last time you tryully empathised with someone and how that felt.

The beauty of empathy is that it isn't confined to specific situations. We can empathise with other people's positive as well as negative emotions. We can empathise with their daily thoughts and feelings. In fact this is the key ingredient missing from most relationships. With empathy there is no need to criticise, blame or argue because you know how and why the other person is thinking and feeling. To criticise and blame them would be to criticise and blame yourself. It seems to me that mutual empathy is the key ingredient of a healthy, functional relationship. To be able to identify with and relate to one another gives you no choice but to treat them with the respect and selfless care that you would give yourself.

From this reasoning I believe that it is possible for unconditional caring and love, although for the most part within society this key ingredient is missing. I see very few, if any, relationships or human interractions where one or both people actually empathise with each other at all. Mostly what I see is self-agenda and selfishness. We're all guilty of this, myself included.

Some people aren't capable of empathy. Narcissitic people in particular. This is why narcissistic parents are incable of showing genuine love or caring to their children or partners. But empthy is not a given thing. We can have it in some situations and not in others. We can share it with some people but not others, or not all the time. But we can practice it. By raising our awareness and placing ourselves in others' positions, making more effort to understand the 3rd person perspective. But sometimes it just happens, automatically, with certain people.

I also realised that this concept of empathy has a connection with enlightenment. Enlightenment is effectively empathy for all of reality. To relate to and identify with reality itself and treat it as if it were you and you were it. That is empathy.

I've spent a lot of time trying to work out what makes for healthy, selfless, human interractions and relationships and I think this is the answer. Mutual empathy. The one thing largely missing from society and intimate relationships. So perhaps if more people persued and attained enlightenment, the world truly would become a better and more selfless place.

 

 

[Armand]

 @shouldnt I seen this and had to go back to the first one to catch up before commenting. Correct me if I am wrong in assuming that you have a hard time with letting the past stay in the past? You need to let all that bitterness go and be happy, healthy, and pretend all those who have hurt you are no longer of this world. This guy you are living with sounds highly manipulative. Why would you want to be used by a man who doesn't value you enough to be with you? Try meeting new people who have the same interests as you to better yourself. Surrounding yourself with these negative people is hindering you from being the best person that you can be. You need to separate from your mom at some point. She is a very toxic part of your life, but you still interact with her so there must be some potential for growth between you both. Did you call the authorities on your ex? If not he will no doubt do it again to another person and they will take him into custody. I also hold anger towards people who have hurt, and severely wronged me. I'm not even close to enlightenment, but I hope to achieve it someday by letting that which has immobilized me in the past go thus pushing me forward into a new and better path. The path towards enlightenment. You are beautiful and deserve to be free of the agony. 

[dystopia]

6 hours ago, Holdup said:

This guy you are living with sounds highly manipulative. Why would you want to be used by a man who doesn't value you enough to be with you? Try meeting new people who have the same interests as you to better yourself. Surrounding yourself with these negative people is hindering you from being the best person that you can be.

I am aware of this and have already distanced myself from him, emotionally. I'm glad he's moving out in a few months. I want to find better people to surround myself with. It just seems very hard to find them. I'm hoping that as I work on myself I will find like minded people and we can help each other grow. I've found some on this forum but no such luck irl.

6 hours ago, Holdup said:

You need to separate from your mom at some point. She is a very toxic part of your life, but you still interact with her so there must be some potential for growth between you both.

I hope to someday have a healthier relationship with her. She is my onlyou parent, so I don't have much choice. But I also know I need to distance myself from her. Just having a hard time doing it, right now. 

6 hours ago, Holdup said:

Did you call the authorities on your ex? If not he will no doubt do it again to another person and they will take him into custody.

No..as much as he hurt me I could not bring myself to hurt him back. Leaving him was the hardest thing I've ever done and he still managed to make me feel guilty about it like I was in the wrong the entire time. Although I know this isn't true. I just hope the next person he is with doesn't fall victim. I can't really do anything about it. I barely got out.

6 hours ago, Holdup said:

You are beautiful and deserve to be free of the agony

Thank you. Don't we all. Good luck to you.

[Kelley White]

On 3/26/2016 at 5:42 PM, Emerald Wilkins said:

But the objective reality, is that everything just is.

@Emerald Wilkins, that is really a succinct truth.   Well stated.  

[Kelley White]

On 3/26/2016 at 5:42 PM, Emerald Wilkins said:

But the higher self, also has ways of practically guiding us to where we need to be. Sometimes that entails producing negative feeling-states to move us in a better direction and away from actions and relationships that don't suit us and toward ones that do. So, in this case, it's important for a person to give themselves a kick in the ass, stop moping, and actually do something valuable with their life.

But paradoxically, the things we do can never make us any more or less significant or valuable. We're already infinitely valuable. But there are actions that create a happier, more fulfilling life. 

I have really found this truthful as well.  @Emerald Wilkins

[Kelley White]

On 3/26/2016 at 6:33 PM, Ayla said:

You need to look into the NPD - Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I've had a mother like what you describe, and also attracted same type of mirrors - people into my life, until I realized that these people were there for a purpose: to have me heal the wound (scapegoat). Think about it as a tooth ache. If it would not hurt, you'd never go to the dentist. There is a lot of info on youtube about this matter, and I agree with the no-contact advice, but not with the hatred that is being built upon the narcissist. Hatred only hurts yourself, nobody else. 

I agree with @Ayla advice about looking into NPD.    There are two schools of recovery based upon recovering from NPD abuse and one is rather controversial.  

I found there is a balance between understanding and feeling the rage of being exploited and not denying the rage versus remaining stuck or mired in a focused hatred.  One releases you from the voodoo zombie witch doctor grip versus keeping you still focused on the narc.   I find with my challenge saying no or setting limits this approach works better.

 

[Emerald]

6 hours ago, Kelley White said:

@Emerald Wilkins, that is really a succinct truth.   Well stated.  

Thanks!  

[Kelley White]

@Emerald Wilkins, you are welcome.