Re: I'm In Agony. That's Right, Nobody Cares.

[charlie2dogs]

On 3/25/2016 at 11:46 AM, shouldnt said:

I've gained some new insight since posting this thread.

Does a human being have value just for existing? I want to think so but sometimes I think this is just a cop out.

This is just positive bullshit thinking people spew out to make themselves feel better about not having accomplished anything other people can use.

I went from being dependant on my mother to idolizing my husband and becoming dependant on him. Putting him up on a pedestal for his accomplishments and ignoring myself.

After I left him, I went straight to depending on my "good friend", John (the fucking embodiment of the White Knight archetype), and putting him up on a pedestal for spoiling the hell out of me. Which was the polar opposite of what my mom and ex-husband did.

Well guess what, he ended up abandoning me too. He found a girlfriend to White Knight and all of a sudden neglected me, completely.

Nobody has ever really cared about me. Want to know the truth? Every single person only cares about what they can get from you.

My mom never cared, she just patronized and criticized me because she has no self-worth & was also abused.

My ex-husband didn't care because he just wanted the perfect, pretty little wife who did as she was told & who he could let out his frustrations on.

My friends who left me didn't care.
My best friend John didn't care. He just used me because helping me gave him value and made him feel good because he hasn't accomplished shit in his life either.

My friend I met on this forum helped give me a lot of insight about my problems. Then he abandoned me and told me he didnt really care & to seek a psychologist because he couldn't help me anymore. At least he had the decency to be honest.

I talk to people all the time but they dont really care. The forum, chatting, hobbies, moping around. All of it is just a distraction. It's a distraction from doing the real work I know I can do. It's a distraction from the hollow emptiness and loneliness I feel inside, that comes from putting it off.

Unconditional love? What the hell is that? I didn't even get it from my mother.

And the agony will never subside. Not until I stop bullshitting myself and actually build the life I want. Maybe then I'll have something to offer and be able to build real relationships. Maybe then I can find someone who really cares.

But probably not.

So if you're out there feeling like a piece of trash because you haven't done what you have always planned on doing: you're right. You're trash. Now stop it. Do something about it. 

good piece, sounds like you have learned a great deal, good luck

[Cuzzo]

You're calling your friend a white knight. Maybe he realized he was a white knight. 

[Kelley White]

20 hours ago, piotr said:

Great link, he also introduced me to Pete Walker's books: Complex PTSD and The Tao of Fully Feeling, which are my bibles for recovery work and even though he sometimes addresses enlightenment he takes a healthy approach for people who were more wounded in life, which really helps to deconstruct the salvation fantasy that we're often confuse it with.

@piotr, Thank you.  I am glad you liked it.  He introduced me to Pete Walker's books as well;  I have the C-PTSD book.  I have the Narcissism Abuse Recovery Course; it was his work and the work of Sam Vaknin (irony) and @Leo Gura that have been helping me with the same.   I appreciate his sense of humor and the clarity he brings to what has amounted to decades of struggle and misdiagnosis.   Really happy to hear you've been helped by his work as well.  

[Kelley White]

17 hours ago, Cuzzo said:

You're calling your friend a white knight. Maybe he realized he was a white knight. 

@Cuzzo, that's a very insightful comment on numerous levels.

[Galyna]

@FindingPeace

I was reading you feedback, pondering about it....and here is what I would like to add: there is no such thing as "value" at all. Everything has its own importance and irrelevant at the same time. Everything is JUST co-existing in the big soup of Reality. If we take out one ingredient probably nobody will notice, however the great mixtures of them gives it a flavor. "Value" is just another label to indicate the difference.  

[Kelley White]

13 hours ago, Galyna said:

@FindingPeace

I was reading you feedback, pondering about it....and here is what I would like to add: there is no such thing as "value" at all. Everything has its own importance and irrelevant at the same time. Everything is JUST co-existing in the big soup of Reality. If we take out one ingredient probably nobody will notice, however the great mixtures of them gives it a flavor. "Value" is just another label to indicate the difference.  

Awesome comment @Galyna.  Thank you.

[Galyna]

@Kelley White  thanks, Dear 

[Kelley White]

@Galyna, thank you and you are most welcome.

[Galyna]

You are such a sweet person....glad we have you here

[Kelley White]

Thank you @Galyna, that is very kind of you.   I am glad to have met everyone here that i have, I learned a tremendous amount from everyone. 

I am very blessed on numerous platforms to know some very supportive and creative  people and am very grateful for that.  Thank you.