Pelin

Having Children From a Personal Development Point of View

11 posts in this topic

I am thirty, and was born to a blue society, where it is even a bit late to have children. So I have all the social pressure coming from peers, parents etc. to start having children. Some days I feel really motivated about giving it a shot, some days I never want to have children, ever. 

First of all, I don't really know if I'm reflecting or sometimes just protesting what other people think about having children, making a statement. How can we understand if it is the society that drives us to do something or it is genuinely us?

And secondly, I've been married for four years, and I love the life I'm living now. So I have two scenarios:

If we have children. For twenty years or so, we'll devote our time to them, limiting personal time. That may seem like an unselfish move, considering we will have to hold some of the things which we love doing (for me writing, travelling, personal development work, and even full-time working). But in the future, most people assume that your kids are gonna look after you, so it also seems selfish. It also reinforces your position in society, you're accepted by the community etc, which further feeds your ego. 

Most people who have children admit that raising children will eat up your personal time. If we never have children, then we can dedicate more time on our inner work, we can keep doing what we love doing. We are not permanently based in one country so we won't have to worry too much about relocating. But after some time are we gonna regret this (when it's impossible for me to have children physically) or if I finally decide to give birth, let's say in my forties, is it gonna be too late and are we already gonna be too old to support the kids in their later years? 

(And I just remember Chopra now, he was saying his biggest accomplishment was his kids and grandkids)

So I wanna hear your opinions on this. From personal development and inner work point of view, what are the advantages and disadvantages of having children?

 

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I had my children when I was quite young... my first at 22 and my second at 25. Our first child, we weren't expecting and we worried about the free time thing at first. But afterward, we realized that life would essentially be the same either way. We have less free time, but we still do essentially the same things... only we do them with our kids there. And if we didn't have kids, we wouldn't really know about the amazing things we'd be missing.

Now, I've never been much of a bar-fly or a partier. So, that change of dialing that back wasn't difficult for me. I didn't go out a lot prior to having kids because it was kind of boring. So, when I had kids, I didn't much miss it. But if you enjoy going out on weekends or something, that would probably only be a possibility once or twice a month max if you're being fair to your children and partner. 

Now, there is one thing that I care about that I've had to hold off on since my kids are both still little. That's meditation retreats. I just can't spend multiple days away from my kids... especially not 10+ days. When they get a bit older, I may do some retreats here and there. But that potential is currently on hold, having a 7 year old and a 3 year old.  But when the youngest gets to be around 8 or 9, I'll probably start being able to do some shorter retreats.

But everything else is possible. In fact, my husband and I are both working on big projects for what we want to do for our lives. So, none of that goes on hold because there's no reason to put it on hold. And it shows our kids that they can be self-motivated and do things that they're interested in.

And having kids is a lot of fun. Our kids have really awesome personalities and cool interests. They go through interesting phases. They're real people with complex personalities. I feel like people who don't have kids, tend to think of kids in the abstract because they don't have the personality aspect clear in their minds. So, they think about the benefits of having kiddos in a quantifiable way (as a milestone, as a responsibility, as a blank slate, as the image of the idea of children in general, etc.) and miss the qualitative aspects of the relationship. 

But I wouldn't look at this area of life from a personal development standpoint. Just figure out if it's right for you. And if it is... don't treat it like a personal development venture. Treat it more like a close friendship. If the task of having children is made into a project all about milestones and producing the best children, it loses the heart of what's most important about parenting. It becomes objectifying.


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@Pelin I have two wonderful children, aged 3y and 9m.  My wife was 28 and I was 31 when we had our first.  

I would echo what Dr. Chopra said, my children are by far the best things in my life.  Not only that, they also have provided me with the greatest challenge and opportunity for personal growth.  You will quickly realize that you are not only responsible for the basics: food, water, shelter, etc.  but equally important you will recognize that you now have a little shadow that emulates everything you do.  Recognizing this has provided unparalleled motivation to work on myself to be the best parent, leader, role-model that I can be for my children.  

Everything you said is true, the amount of time you have to work on yourself will be limited, but it is not impossible.  You will also recognize that tremendous growth not only occurs during quiet-reflecting, meditation, etc, but can also be attained in your daily life: mindfulness while preparing meals for your family, recognizing and addressing the unhealthy habits (tv, junk food, social media) you may have and correcting them to set your kids on a good path, identifying how you talk about others and yourself (when one of your kids repeats what you say, you recognize very quickly that you need to change your behaviors), setting an example for your kids by meditating/reading/quiet time in front of them (they may not do it, but it sets an example for what you deem important), you learn to become more selfless and compassionate, you have to practice self-acceptance as you will not do everything perfectly and will make many mistakes--and this is okay, and provides you with the opportunity to become more humble--and both loving and forgiving of yourself...  So many things. 

For me, in a counter-intuitive way, having kids has been one of the most powerful ways I have achieved personal growth.  

Not sure if having kids is right for you--that is your call.  But do not think that personal growth takes a back-burner... It ramps up!  It might just manifest different than what you might envision without a child.  

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@Emerald Many great points.  One that I'd personally like acknowledge

3 hours ago, Emerald said:

And having kids is a lot of fun. Our kids have really awesome personalities and cool interests.

Our kids are awesome little people.  Not only do I love them more than anything, I really like them, and like spending time with them. 

 

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@emerald
Wow, didn't know you had kids.
Did you watch Leo's videos on how to raise Rockstar kids? If so, what do you think about it? :)

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1 hour ago, Hello from Russia said:

@emerald
Wow, didn't know you had kids.
Did you watch Leo's videos on how to raise Rockstar kids? If so, what do you think about it? :)

He's got some good advice in there. And he seemed to be mindful of the potential problems with putting too much personal development onto them. That said, I would still take it with a grain of salt. A person doesn't know what parenting is like until they are a parent.

I would particularly warn against the mindset of parenting as a project. I feel like this is a pretty widespread epidemic of a mindset that causes a lot of issues. Not saying Leo was advocating for that in that video, but because many people who are into his channel are into the idea of self-optimization, it can be easy to accidentally transfer this mindset onto our relationships with our children, which is very harmful. 


Are you struggling with self-sabotage and CONSTANTLY standing in the way of your own success? 

If so, and if you're looking for an experienced coach to help you discover and resolve the root of the issue, you can click this link to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if my program is a good fit for you.

 

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2 hours ago, exhale said:

@Emerald Many great points.  One that I'd personally like acknowledge

Our kids are awesome little people.  Not only do I love them more than anything, I really like them, and like spending time with them. 

 

Thank you! It's definitely what makes it all worthwhile. :)


Are you struggling with self-sabotage and CONSTANTLY standing in the way of your own success? 

If so, and if you're looking for an experienced coach to help you discover and resolve the root of the issue, you can click this link to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if my program is a good fit for you.

 

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15 minutes ago, Hello from Russia said:

@Emerald

Gotta contemplate everything for ourselves anyways.

Do you plan to teach your kids how to meditate? :)

I've done a little bit of mindfulness practice with my daughter, but she wasn't extremely interested in it at the time. So, I didn't force it. But now that she's getting to be a bigger kid, she might be more ready for it. So, I will try again at some point to see if it's something she's into. 


Are you struggling with self-sabotage and CONSTANTLY standing in the way of your own success? 

If so, and if you're looking for an experienced coach to help you discover and resolve the root of the issue, you can click this link to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if my program is a good fit for you.

 

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@Pelin I have 2 children. My first one I had when I was 24. Now, within a year, he's going to attend the university. Imo, if you have your children younger instead of waiting, you'll have free time when you're older. You won't have free time when they are babies, but when they grow older and are good with their studies (schoolwork), you'll have some free time to work on yourself. You still have to make sure they are doing well in school and make sure they're taking care of themselves. Then, you'll see them grow more and more independent. But, always be there for them once they are completely independent and not living with you. Please make sure that you're taking care of your health, eating right, and doing plenty of exercises as you get older. That's important. 

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@Emerald @exhale @Key Elements

Wow, really great points guys. Gave me lots of insight, thanks!

Emerald, I agree with you on not making parenting into a project. It’s kind of hard to resist, so I understand the good intentions behind it, but as you say everyone has a different personality and kids will eventually go their own ways, choosing a path for them as parents can be really harmful.

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