Daily Contemplation on the Self

[Preetom]

Am I aware? yes.

Where do I actually go in my experience to verify that fact? In other words, where is the source of this knowingness located? It's all just known, out of nowhere.

This awareness of awareness itself, being aware of being aware is so simple and yet hard to continuously stay right there. As the direct path suggests, we start with the end and just stay there. This knowing of I Am or being aware of being aware, there is no process involved here. Right now, this very moment I'm either conscious of it or not.

So what actually makes me overlook this basic fact about my experience? Thoughts. Especially thoughts where I am a character in a narrative. What is the purpose of this perpetual self referencing narrative? Is this the primary mechanism the ego convicts it's presence over and over again? Thoughts and tendencies can be so pernicious. The reminder I Am either puts a full stop to the stream of thoughts or dis-identifies the awareness from thoughts.

The bulk of this Enlightenment work basically boils down to this. This I Am, this beingness has to be thoroughly understood and investigated. This is where self inquiry leads to.

The dilemma ensues the moment when I come to the foreground of experience as a character overlooking the only raw, basic fact of experience. The knowingness or being aware of being aware. Emotions and tendencies to support the self image seem to be fueling this process.

[Preetom]

Am I aware? Yes.

What is the thing I can legitimately claim? I am. I am aware. Is this sense of being depended on thoughts? No this sense of being is there irrespective of changing experiences.

Can I legitimately refute this I am? No that would prove I am even more. Can there be any perception without I am? Can there be any experience without the knowing of it? No.

The contents of experience maybe random and arbitrary, but isn't the knowing of it ever the same? 

There may or may not be a sense of a decision maker, an actor of actions, a thinker of thoughts; but isn't all of these senses equally known? Is there multiple types of knowing or just this one knowing? Just this knowing.

Where is all this inquiry leading towards? It always comes back to this subject, the fundamental I am without which there is no perception or conception. What is this I am made out of? Isn't is known by the same knowingness? Yes.

So the subject and the object are both known by the same knowingness. Is there anything in experience other than consciousness?

So it all leads to this choice less awareness. A non judgmental, non struggling knowing of the one and only substance of experience; knowing itself. 

One substance knowing and being itself.

 

[Preetom]

Am I aware? Yes.

Is this awareness happening inside the body? In my direct experience, is there a location within the body that seems to be the source of awareness? The thing that is called body is itself an experience no matter which direction it is gone.

So the notion that the body or brain creates consciousness, is that notion based on direct experience or just another dogma? 

Is there a brain, chemicals etc without a perceiver of them? There cannot be any. Is that another idea? But whatever it is, this fundamental knowing element of experience cannot be denied. To deny this knowingness of experience is like trying to study an ocean while refuting the element called water.

What is there to an ocean except water? Similarly what is there to an experience except the knowing of it?

What happens to a sound if the awareness of the sound is removed? It is not a sound anymore. But the presence of awareness remains as it is? So which one is more fundamental here? The sound or the awareness of sound?

Was there ever a distinct thing called sound anyway?

[Preetom]

Am I aware? yes.

Right now, in this very moment, do I honestly know that I exist? yes. I want to explore this knowledge I am today.

What is the fundamental difference between the experience I am and a conventional outside experience, let's say me looking at the monitor screen?

This experience of me seeing the monitor screen, what are the metaphysical foundations behind this experience? Certainly the way language frames it is this: A subject called I is somehow connecting with an object called monitor by an act or process of seeing. This quality or ability of seeing, whose fundamental quality is it? Obviously it's the quality of the subject I. 

So this this model presupposes that the object and the subject are independent two things, connected by a process of seeing. It takes a narrative or language to frame this experience into this three part manner.

I am looking at the monitor. What does this statement really mean? Not just as a verbal understanding but as an actual understanding. If I look for this subject called I, where is this subject really located? If I keep tracking it back, do I find such center? A subject that itself is not an object. The seeking attention can go back and back indefinitely without finding such a subject.

So 'I' in the statement I am looking at the monitor collapses. I is no longer an objective phenomena anymore. So how does that statement get framed now?

The monitor is being seen. So here is basically two fundamental parts. An object called the monitor is seeming under a process called seeing. Now what is this seeing and the monitor?

In my direct experience, are there two distinct thing that is being known? Namely an objective thing called monitor that remains independent no matter how it is looked at, and secondly the seeing of that monitor which is completely dependent on how it is looked at.

If I get close, the monitor gets bigger. If I get a little far, the monitor gets smaller. Am I aware of 2 things here?

1) An objective monitor that stays the same no matter how I look at it

2) the seeing of the monitor which is constantly changing depending on angle, range etc.

In my direct experience, have I ever came across such a monitor like the number 1 statement describes? No I only have always known this 'fluctuating' monitor. 

So there is no independent monitor but only the ever changing seeing of the monitor. Then if I take the word monitor, it is obvious that it is an arbitrary word and could easily have been replaced by some other word.

But more interestingly, this 'fluctuating' monitor I'm seeing,does it then have a distinct location, center of gravity, size, shape and other objective quality? So one hand this 'fluctuating' monitor is the only thing I've even known and now it has lost all of distinct,fixed objective qualities. So this notion of an object called a monitor is also gone. 

I'll have to sit for another session to dig deeper into the implications of this inquiry but for now one thing is for sure. if a mundane statement like ''I am looking at the monitor'' turns out to be completely groundless, based on ideas that I have never came across my life even for a single time; what does that imply about language and my life?

Is what I call my life is only an accumulation of such groundless statements?

[Preetom]

Am I aware? yes. This knowledge or knowing that I exist or I am, let's explore this.

Exactly what is the nature of this experience of I am? It certainly cannot be framed conventionally with language, like the statement ''I am looking at the monitor'' which splits a whole, seamless, homogeneous experience into subject, object and a process of perception.

Right now, am I aware? yes. What exactly is this knowledge I AM made out of?

Is it a conventional sight or depended on a particular sight? No.

Is it a conventional sound or depended on a particular sound? No.

Is it a subtle mental image? Does a mental image need to occur continuously to know I Am? No.

Is it a subtle mental story or thought or narrative? Does a particular mental sound need to continue constantly to know I AM? No.

Is it a bodily gross sensation or dependent on such a sensation? No.

Is it a very subtle feeling or depended on a particular subtle feeling happening constantly? No. Actually all subtle feelings and their changes are known. But the knowing cannot be located as an object.

What is this presence that knows every single thing but itself not located or has the characteristic of a thing? It undoubtedly exists and moreover there is really nothing called a 'thing' if it is not known.

This knowingness, this I Am seems to be a footprint of the Absolute in existence; a portal to the absolute. Rest as this I Am and eliminate everything that does not go with it, says the teaching. 

[Preetom]

Am I aware? yes. Let's explore this simple knowing of my own being, this presence, this sense of I Am.

Do I need to do any particular activity to know that I Am? No. Activities come and go but the I Am remains.

Do I need a special, esoteric knowledge or read a book to that I Am? No. This I Am is prior to any objective knowledge.

Do I need to fulfill a certain condition or formulate a particular circumstance to know I AM? No.

There seems to be line of thinking that says that I cease to exist in deep sleep. It says that I can only exist in relation to an objective experience. But is there any objective experience that has been unchanged, absolute and ever present? No.

There is memory of deep sleep because there no objective experience to remember. Memory can only store objective knowledge. So does a loss in memory prove non-existence? No. After all, to know that I Am right now, do I need to rely on any particular memory? Also, I can't remember point by point what happened yesterday or just few hours or minutes ago. Does that mean, I ceased to exist at those points? No.

Do I need other people or some other thing to know I AM? No. This knowledge of I am is direct and it does not need reflection from some other entity.

Do I need time to know I Am? Is this knowledge I Am a progressing or devolving thing into time? No. This simple knowing of being is always the same.

How many hours of meditation do I need to know I Am? none.

Can any activity or thought truly veil this knowledge I Am? No. There is any activity in the first place, because I am. 

So this is the direct path, where we start at the finish and stay there.

[Preetom]

Am I aware? yes. 

Feeling especially raw and heavy today. It's so easy to get complacent, so easy to forget. How can you not see the only thing that is going on? it's only possible when you're dreaming. yeah of course...only while dreaming it is possible. 

It requires a trial by fire to break through the initial hurdles. Death awareness. this thing is not gonna fly without being driven by the raw energy of a rabid dissatisfaction of living as a lie.

Am I aware of my finiteness? what am I doing? Every moment not being aware is a moment wasted. But the funny thing is, I can't force myself into awareness. In fact there is no process to awareness. Either I'm knowingly aware or not.

So much of the time, the I tends to stick with a sensation on the front head part. A phantom entity trying desperately, constantly to take a shape and declare it's own individual existence. Is that really what I am? A sensation in the head? Really? that's the driving center of my whole life? all thoughts, motives, judgments, resistance coming from there?

It's the most absurd thing. How can such a thing exist? it seems so silly when seen properly. oh then I remember ego doesn't exist. I feel stuck because i imagine myself to be stuck. Really, there is no other way for me to be stuck. 

Can I see through my bullshit and still believe in it simultaneously? it just doesn't work. 

[Preetom]

Am I aware? yes. I am aware. I'm alive. What can be more magical than that?

There is only a current of self awareness. There is no control or can be any volition on anything. There is only knowing. Knowing what? I don't know. Only knowing. From the light of self-awareness there feels to be no distinction between knowing one thing over another. There is no thing, just knowing.

Am I aware? Could I be anything else? What is the source of this knowingness? Which direction can knowingness go to find more of itself? The entire field of experience is pervaded with knowing, through and through. 

Being aware of being aware. What is the magic of this approach? If the self is remembered, then the entire race gets won. If the self is forgotten, nothing makes sense, everything becomes chaotic, even an infinite movements too do not make any change to the situation. 

This knowingness is not restricted to any special or specific part of the body. Everything gets known equally. It's so glaringly obvious, so simple yet so easy to overlook. This non located, non objective experience of being aware, being present, now. Eternally. What is eternity? 

[Preetom]

Am I aware? yes. This whole thing boils down to this: knowingly being what I am. That means knowingly being a conscious being.

It sounds so loopy and sort of like meaningless semantic game. But oh boy, it flips the entirety of experience upside down, totally recontexualizing it. 

Attention, which is the knowing element of experience, takes very different shape or mode. My experience or my world is nothing but how attention functions and knows.

During the fragmented state, when I assume myself as a limited thing stuck within an object, attention seems to be very pointy and sticky. The sensation in the head is felt and immediately attention seems to pierce into that experience and sticks itself there, creating a separate identity out of that sensation. From there follows a myriad chain of unquestioned assumptions and justifications that suggest how I am a human stuck in a limited human body sensation.

But when the knowing of the same experience is noticed, the entire ego paradigm just collapses. Immediately. Without any time delay. Attention seems to take the shape of a soft infinitely big round sphere within which all experiences are known without making distinctions. Notions like direction, location, object and non object don't make any sense experiencially. It just feels utterly natural and the first thought that follows is how can anyone miss something this obvious.

Last few days have been a roller coaster ride, shifting between these 2 modes incessantly every few seconds. Yet at the same time, it feels like nothing has really happened. What can happen to That which is immovable, unconcerned, untainted, unprotected, untouchable, free?

Maharaj, you were right all along. All my dilemma is due to a mistaken identity. It all stems from forgetting my Self. 

Edited September 12, 2018 by Preetom

[Preetom]

Am I aware? yes. How do I actually verify that knowledge for myself? Do I need a thought or intellect to confirm me that I am aware? No, the thought comes later. While I remain present, aware.

It's just there. I'm aware of it or not. Can the mind do anything to know it ever? No, the mind never knows this presence. It can only engage ina commentary about things. But is that commentary vital to my own being? Nope.

So that means I AM with or without any authority or commentary. These appearances, they really are illusions. They feel so real when you're caught by the throat by them. They lose all power when you remember your self. 

It's the most unbelievable thing ever. Every time I remember my self, it is just there. Untouched, unaffected, aware. Isn't this entire field of phenomenal experience known? yes. Is there a break or a hole or division in that seamless knowing? No.

Am I aware? What is it that knows this entirety of experience? Is that pure knowing of this world? On whose behalf thinking is done? Who is the central character of all this narrative? where is it? 

Do I remember my Self?

[Preetom]

Am I aware? yes. The whole Enlightenment business boils down to the quality of attention.

Sticky thoughts. Obsession with phenomenal experience. The constant effort to give subjective fictitious appearance some objective, independent Reality. There is no such Reality.

Can anything be rendered without I AM? Why bother with the broken pieces of outcomes. Focus on the source.

It's like we rarely remember that the sun is above us that is lighting everything up. We obsess with things that the sunlight illuminates but never bother to look at the sun. Isn't it the thing I've done for the most part of my life?

This is why all beliefs, contraction and misery is self imposed. It is only there because it is not seen through properly. Reality is only real as long as I see it as real. That's how this whole thing is running... a house of cards with no foundation.

But the breakthrough from this delusion is not easy. It would be so easy if these were only intellectual concepts. These concepts are held together by deep rooted feelings and emotions. How else could this thing work? The core material is wisp dream stuff but the binding material is like super glue.

This is why I still give a fuck when rubber meets the road. There is still fear and bunch of other feelings gluing all of this hodgepodge together..while it lasts.

[Preetom]

Am I aware? Yes. Is this knowing of being dependent on any particular experience? No. They are known when I'm not identified with any particular experience.

It's this relaxation of attention on all objective experience. No particular thought or experience is latched on to. Yet I do not cease to exist without an experience. In fact I am even more conscious of my existence in such a case.

Can I knowingly be aware amidst all the changing phenomena? That is the name of the game.

It gets a little easier along the way. There is nothing fantastic stuff to know. Just relaxing the focus and knowingly be aware. There is no dogging or probing involved. No figuring things out. A good place to be indeed for most parts.

 

[Preetom]

Am I aware? Yes.

Is that based on a particular activity or condition? No. This knowingness, it is so miraculous. It is the irreducible and most essential element present in everything, yet it is so elusive.

I guess that is bright side of it. It means that it is possible to bring awareness into everything. Just because it is absolutely nothing, it can pervade and saturate the entirety of everything.

Right now what am I? The more I look into it, the more my body feels non existent. If I'm honest, I can't find a strict distinct between the body and the world. The body is a perception. The entirety of perception is known.

Do I honestly have anything to do with anything? Nothing feels authentic to be me. Why do I insist on being an object? Why can't I accept what I'm feeling in my direct experience now? This total dis identification of everything.

I have no idea what I am or where I am. How can any idea or thing tell me that?

I have nothing to do with things.