Trusting Your Intuition

[Flower]

I was wondering what you guys think about trusting your gut instinct even when intellectually things appear to be going well.  I have been in a relationship on and off with the same person for five years ( I am 22 and he is 21). We are both pretty young. We used to break up all the time, because he would lie and cheat but we would get back together because he would promise to change.... the thing is I did actually see improvements, and he did make an effort to change. I realised though that the relationship was toxic for me and tried to leave on many occasions, but he always won me back and I always gave In. So recently he started watching Leo's videos and was really inspired by them- In fact he also introduced me to Leo! He has since been meditating for the past few weeks and really making an effort to change, so we were back together... yet still my gut instinct about him is not good. Something tells me that there is something in-genuine about him trying to be a better person. He often talks about how much 'knowledge' he now has, and he is realising how 'ignorant' other people (of lower consciousness/ less aware) are. I sense a very strong sense of ego and desire to appear knowledgable in place of actual sincerity and growth. In this situation, is it right to trust my gut instinct, or am I merely assuming, or perhaps subconsciously projecting his past onto his current self?.   I need to know, because I am in a chronic state of confusion about whether to stay with him ( all the while doubting his efforts) or letting him go and focus on my own self-development.

 

would be interested to hear your opinions/stories  

p.s I have to add I can see that he is really trying, he had a bad childhood and an extremely narcissistic parent- something he acknowledges and tells me wants to break free from

[Philip]

On 3/25/2016 at 9:05 AM, Flower said:

He has since been meditating for the past few weeks and really making an effort to change

It's really a good thing for him to be on this path. He should be proud of himself.

Personally, I don't think his improvement has a lot to do with your relation now. I think you have been together for so long, and you have been dysfunctional together for so long that when you meet each other, you become past versions of yourselves. Your vision of how you behave in a couple is limited, because you only revisit the same relationship over and over. You're not up to date. You're lagging on an previous you.

If you seriously dated other men, you would get a chance to start anew and rediscover how much of a good partner you can really be.

On 3/25/2016 at 9:05 AM, Flower said:

I need to know, because I am in a chronic state of confusion about whether to stay with him ( all the while doubting his efforts) or letting him go and focus on my own self-development.

If however you really want to stay with him, then I suggest you tell him exactly that. Without nagging him. Without blame, judgement or critique. Just tell him how you feel. And If you're afraid he might leave you because of how you feel, then tell him exactly that too. Tell him you're afraid he leaves you again. Are you doubting that his efforts to improve are genuine and pure ? then tell him that...

At this point, what do you have to lose ? You already went through worse discussions than this anyway... It's just that the conversation I'm suggesting will reveal lots of important details concerning your current problem I think.

So good luck with that, and tell me how it went !

[Flower]

@Philip  Thank you very much!  

I think you are spot on right.  What he is doing is really great for him but we ARE revisiting the same relationship over and over and it's not good for either of us.  I feel like he is holding me back and I am holding him back, but we are going in two separate directions. 

We are not speaking anymore, and I have told him to move on since I will be doing the same. What that means for me Is though that i am focusing on myself and being happy single. I am not 'looking' for anything. I know that by being happy within myself and being the best version of myself I will attract the right person at the right time  

With such insight, I am wondering if you had a similar experience @Philip  

[Flower]

@Socrates

 

your right in pointing out that something is up if I am feeling like a strange version of myself when I am with them- sadly yes that was the case. I found myself subconsciously getting frustrated at their behaviours and over time the negativity built up so much that it would keep me on edge. When with them I felt like I was limited somehow-but I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. I was experiencing a tight feeling in my chest and gut and constantly felt at unease. Now that I have left, I feel my heart expand and I feel that I am free to be myself again. 

 

It's so strange because I couldn't say that they were actively stopping me from doing anything or being me, it felt entirely energetic. 

[Philip]

3 hours ago, Flower said:

With such insight, I am wondering if you had a similar experience @Philip  

Yes I dated a girl who had a

 horrible influence on me.

And even today, if I meet her, we'll still encourage each other's lower selves like before. It's hard to experience real growth when you're around those people.

3 hours ago, Flower said:

We are not speaking anymore, and I have told him to move on since I will be doing the same. What that means for me Is though that i am focusing on myself and being happy single. I am not 'looking' for anything. I know that by being happy within myself and being the best version of myself I will attract the right person at the right time  

Wonderful. Build up the hope and the ambition. You're just entering a brand new chapter in your life. You have a clean white canvas to draw what your life should be about. 

Personally, I started to turn my life around after leaving that toxic girl back in the days. I basically found my life purpose a few months after it.

Keeping a positive and focused attitude during the whole process is one of the things I'm currently the most grateful for doing in my life.

Edited April 11, 2016 by Philip

[charlie2dogs]

On 3/25/2016 at 9:05 AM, Flower said:

I was wondering what you guys think about trusting your gut instinct even when intellectually things appear to be going well.  I have been in a relationship on and off with the same person for five years ( I am 22 and he is 21). We are both pretty young. We used to break up all the time, because he would lie and cheat but we would get back together because he would promise to change.... the thing is I did actually see improvements, and he did make an effort to change. I realised though that the relationship was toxic for me and tried to leave on many occasions, but he always won me back and I always gave In. So recently he started watching Leo's videos and was really inspired by them- In fact he also introduced me to Leo! He has since been meditating for the past few weeks and really making an effort to change, so we were back together... yet still my gut instinct about him is not good. Something tells me that there is something in-genuine about him trying to be a better person. He often talks about how much 'knowledge' he now has, and he is realising how 'ignorant' other people (of lower consciousness/ less aware) are. I sense a very strong sense of ego and desire to appear knowledgable in place of actual sincerity and growth. In this situation, is it right to trust my gut instinct, or am I merely assuming, or perhaps subconsciously projecting his past onto his current self?.   I need to know, because I am in a chronic state of confusion about whether to stay with him ( all the while doubting his efforts) or letting him go and focus on my own self-development.

 

would be interested to hear your opinions/stories  

p.s I have to add I can see that he is really trying, he had a bad childhood and an extremely narcissistic parent- something he acknowledges and tells me wants to break free from

trust your instinct, you should have left him long ago and not went back.

[charlie2dogs]

this man has hurt you a lot and he isnt done, you want a man who will respect you, who can communicate with you on the emotional, mental, and physical level of your being.  A man you can trust and feel good about , you dont have this, and a couple weeks of watching anyones videos isnt going to change his life.  You are better off being alone than being with the wrong man.  Most men who cheat never stop cheating.  You should have left him when he was lying and cheating on you and never looked back and waited for a man that was worthy of you.  Facing the truth in relationships is hard, the fact that you feel the way you do says a great deal.  Ask yourself are you happy, fulfilled in this relationship, if the answer is no, move on dont waste your life.

Edited April 12, 2016 by charlie2dogs
I say this with all respect and love for you even though i dont know you personally

[Flower]

10 hours ago, Philip said:

Yes I dated a girl who had a

 horrible influence on me.

And even today, if I meet her, we'll still encourage each other's lower selves like before. It's hard to experience real growth when you're around those people.

Wonderful. Build up the hope and the ambition. You're just entering a brand new chapter in your life. You have a clean white canvas to draw what your life should be about. 

Personally, I started to turn my life around after leaving that toxic girl back in the days. I basically found my life purpose a few months after it.

Keeping a positive and focused attitude during the whole process is one of the things I'm currently the most grateful for doing in my life.

Thank you for the encouragement Philip! Positive is the way forward.  There is so much more good out there, but we have to let go of what is bad for us in order to make room for better things.

[Flower]

9 hours ago, charlie2dogs said:

this man has hurt you a lot and he isnt done, you want a man who will respect you, who can communicate with you on the emotional, mental, and physical level of your being.  A man you can trust and feel good about , you dont have this, and a couple weeks of watching anyones videos isnt going to change his life.  You are better off being alone than being with the wrong man.  Most men who cheat never stop cheating.  You should have left him when he was lying and cheating on you and never looked back and waited for a man that was worthy of you.  Facing the truth in relationships is hard, the fact that you feel the way you do says a great deal.  Ask yourself are you happy, fulfilled in this relationship, if the answer is no, move on dont waste your life.

Yes I agree, better off alone than with the wrong person. He did not cheat again, but found it very easy to move on to another girl straightaway each time we had a mini break up... like the next day in fact. That is surely not love. Now looking back it seems really immature and I could have done without it but It was a real learning curve for me, It taught me alot- not just about others, but most importantly- about myself. 

9 hours ago, charlie2dogs said:

trust your instinct, you should have left him long ago and not went back.

Yes I should have let him go, but I tried believing in the best of him but I think he realised I would continue to do that. We can believe in the best of others at a distance, not when It sabotages our own mental and emotional well-being. I am also an empath so it was really difficult not to fall into the pity play trap- I did it many times. It's ok though, because I have learnt that I can keep a soft heart and be compassionate but at the same time draw a line where I am not being compassionate to myself! Ultimately as I have learnt to love myself more, I no longer feel I have to take him back or that I am unforgiving if I don't. He knew how to play the pity cards very well, that was all.

 

Thank you

[charlie2dogs]

Great I am happy to hear you express yourself this way, you have learned a lot, i sense by the energy of your writing that you are a special lady. good luck to you.

[Flower]

@charlie2dogs  Thank you, that's very kind  

 

[Rodrigo]

@Flower You forgot to mention the "positives" (what you think is good) in that relationship.