How to Break Up with a Loved One?

[Nadie]

Hey everyone,

You know when... you know you have to break up with someone, even though you love them and have grown with them, because you arrive at a point where there is no new growth that can come out of the relationship? 

Or you realise you're incompatible, or whatever. You absolutely know you have to move on, but you're torn in two.

How do you make that move (break up) and trust that you're doing the right thing, when there's still part of you that's attached to (and attracted to) the relationship/other person?

I'm so terrible at this, any help/advice/sharing of your experience is hugely welcome.

Edited August 30, 2018 by Nadie

[ajasatya]

@Nadie what do you mean by "love"?

[Nadie]

@ajasatya I guess I mean attachment and affection.

[ajasatya]

19 minutes ago, Nadie said:

@ajasatya I guess I mean attachment and affection.

then you're already including the bad and the good stuff in a single word. affection is healthy and attachment is toxic.

what do you mean by "growth"? what do you want to grow towards? i bet there's so much more to investigate and you're afraid of hurting yourself in the process.

also, remember to be radically honest with yourself or your suffering will last longer. what is it really? are you sick of him? do you want new experiences? do you feel like you're too young to commit to a true long-term relationship, say, marriage, with him?

Edited August 30, 2018 by ajasatya

[Shadowraix]

Remember this: There is no one true perfect one for you. There are dozens of potential people to love and grow with. 

If you let someone go, their lives will move on and they'll find other people to build love with, and so will you.

Before you immediately cut it off think about your intentions for the relationship you've established. Is that the intention you wanted out of it? Must growth occur all the time and never stagnate? Make sure to communicate and consider if there is a solution to the dilemma you're experiencing.

Of course if a split ends up becoming necessary for your happiness and well being then you sit them down and say it in blunt words "I want to break up" I don't think beating around the bush and sugar coating it will help anything. We often seek advice for these kind of things because we actually don't want to handle such a painful scenario and try to find workarounds to avoiding it. But there really isn't one.

I don't consider attachment an entirely bad thing. The key is being able to control that attachment. 

There is no 'wrong' or 'right' move to make. And even if you came to regret the action you made in the past, its all in the past and no longer exists. The present is what matters. Its not the end of the world or your life. Mistakes are a part of our growth moving forward as humans. 

[Nadie]

@ajasatya I don't think there is more to investigate in the relationship. I feel like the huge lesson and thing for me to learn and grow through is this part right now - the part where I leave. That's why I have so much resistance towards doing so. It would be such a big change for me that it would mean the old me - even certain parts of the whole past 29 years of me - having to die.

Letting go is the issue here. And not being able to trust myself and my instincts as much as I need to in order to trust I will be able to follow through on this move.

I guess I betrayed my own trust a few times in the past when it came to making decisions and then later getting scared that I had made the wrong decision and so changing my mind (even though I probably had made the right decision, I just didn't have the courage, strength and patience to see it through).

So I'm scared I'll betray myself again this time I guess - by leaving him, moving on and then wishing I hadn't or wanting to go back.

 

[Shadowraix]

The you now is a culmination of all of your experiences. How you live may change but the experiences you have never truly die per se as they forever have morphed who you are.

Regretting moving on isn't an uncommon emotion, and you will likely experience that. It takes a significant amount of time to adjust to the lack of an important person in your life. But that doesn't mean your action was wrong. Certainly your happiness isn't dependent on this individual?

Your and that persons happiness isn't entirely dictated by this relationship so try not to treat it as some life or death situation. When you make decisions that will inherently cause some sort of pain in you and will cause your mind to freak out a little when something in your life changes, there comes a level of acceptance you need to take in. To accept that the decision you made is what you made and pondering over the past wishing you could change it doesn't do anything. Accept that you made the decision you made and go forward.

[ajasatya]

3 minutes ago, Nadie said:

I don't think there is more to investigate in the relationship

sorry, i didn't mean there would be more to investigate in the relationship. what i mean is that there's more to investigate in your reasons and resistances to ditch him.

you sound scared. scared of being alone. so it makes fear your reason to stay with him.

you better eliminate this pattern or it will rotten all of your future relationships. don't be with someone due to fear of being alone. that's a petty attitude.

go inside. start your spiritual journey consciously and find the source of happiness that lies within. i'd say this is actually a good reason to break up. don't break up to be with someone else. break up to learn how to be with yourself, to learn how to trust yourself and to be your real best friend.

[Nadie]

@ajasatya yes, i am scared. I've literally always been in long-term relationships, ever since I was 13 or 14. I guess i had/have some abandonment issues (and daddy issues) as my father was/is a musician (as well a narcissist) who travelled a lot trying to get success with his music, so my entire childhood was spent with me, my mum and brother waiting for him to come back home, him finally coming back and then leaving again after a week or a month or a year, before finally leaving us for good when i was 11 or 12 because he'd found another woman overseas.

We were also poor, had bad living conditions and my mum had trouble providing for us and fulfilling the "mother" role. 

Those things affected me profoundly (I'm also a highly sensitive person), and left me seeking stability and security above all else. 

I did well at school and went on to go to university and get degrees and work experience and all of that - I *could* make it on my own, but i still have this "scarcity" programme running, this fear of going back to the same poverty, money problems and hard-living that I experienced in the past.

My current boyfriend is 30 years older than me and we've been together for 3.5 years, the guy i was with before him was 25 years older than me and we were together for 4.5 years, and before that was another older guy (although he was only 33 yrs old and I was 21) who i almost married... 

I realise that these relationships are a result of childhood wounds, and I now that I have clearly recognised this pattern (and see how it is not healthy), I just want to put it behind me and transform.

It would be the first time I've been single in my adult life and I've promised myself that I won't be looking for another relationship any time soon - I'm even considering going to some kind of support group. I want to work on myself for a few years and then eventually start dating people my own age. 

My plan is to move back to my home country, get a job, get my own place/room somewhere, and form some good friendships. I just have to end this final relationship, which means letting go of all my childhood shit and facing those wounds and fears.

[ajasatya]

@Nadie awesome. do it! your life can be so much better.

the age difference is certainly a problem related to your father. in a way, you've been trying to marry your father because he was too absent...

your plan is very similiar to what i would do if i were in your situation. there will be hard moments and you'll feel like crying. cry it all out! being strong is not refraining from crying. being strong is being courageous enough to feel all the pain you need to feel.

contemplate how you'll be living alone. contemplate how you'll feel your days all by yourself. contemplate how you'll feel with friends around. contemplate how you'll feel when you don't have to worry about anyone else's concern.

be brave and true to your heart as you've been on this thread.

[NoSelfSelf]

Tell him what you said here...

[Nadie]

@Shadowraix thanks so much for your kind and thoughtful replies. Will read over your words a few times. 

@Caterpillar

[Nadie]

@Caterpillarhahahaha, that made me smirk :'D Too close to home!

Yes I'm gonna get the life purpose course soon, really looking forward to it!

[Nadie]

@ajasatya thank you so much for your support, advice and compassionate understanding. I'll let you know how everything goes! 

The universe has also just thrown me a total curveball: my dad is coming to visit me in Spain next week. It's been about 12 years since we've spent any time alone together and he hasn't visited me in Spain at all before in the past 4 years that I've been here, nor ever shown any interest in visiting. 

But this same dude who caused these daddy issues is coming to visit me - just him, without his wife, who usually never lets him out of her sight - in a week, for a week. 

The universe knows everything, and sends him to me out of the blue right at the same time that I'm finally resolving these issues. 

Magic...!

He's going to meet my boyfriend (the first time my dad will ever meet any of the older men I've been with), who is actually 5 years older than him... Hahaha.

Facing the reality of it all.

I feel more detached from the situation than I would be had I not increased my awareness of what's really going on for me. 

It's a real taste of what Leo meant by "awareness alone is curative". I pondered over that statement for a year or so but now I'm beginning to truly understand it in my actual experience.

Edited August 31, 2018 by Nadie