I Don't Know

[DizIzMikey]

I don't know if I know anything

 

I THINK MY EGO IS DYING FOR ATTENTION..ITS DROWNING I THINK..HELP MEEEE! lol

Everything I've been taught has been taught by others so what do I know?

What if I know nothing, than how do others seem like they know something?

I don't know...

I'll pretend for a little bit

-----------------------------------------------

This state is causing me extreme pain, I have all these emotions that I feel like want to come out, which they do when I mirror meditate

But most of the day I'm like.. I'm angry..than my brain goes oh wait, I don't know if I'm really angry, just because my mind says its angry am I angry? I don't know...

So the anger whisks away, but I still think it is there....but...very quiet..but I don't know if I'm truly angry so ...well... nothing really comes out

I am confused...I have gone so deep into the rabbit hole that I try to go back to the life I once had, and I'm so deep in that when I'm done playing Skyrim it comes back to haunt me, I'm conscious and I'm in agony.. IM SO HOLLOW it isn't even funny

Someone once said on these forums that if you do not have a guide to enlightenment you eventually get to feeling ok being the bad guy

I think I'm getting to that point, I'm starting to not give a fuck what anyone thinks about what I do...I feel proud about it, I like that I lightly give a fuck what anyone thinks, but perhaps they are not pressing the right buttons. I'm smiling right now...I feel like I'm better than anyone else...

I feel intellectually superior when the fact of the matter probably is...I'm not or wasn't or am not the sharpest tool in the shed, how I said it is probably a ego defense.

POINT BEING SOMETHING IS SCREAMING OUT TO EXPRESS ITSELF...I THINK IM GOING TO GET MY ASS IN A STUDIO AND MAKE A TRACK BUT..I CANT TRUST MY OWN WORD...NO WONDER IM IN SUCH TORMENT I CANT EVEN TRUST MYSELF BUT I WILL ONLY LISTEN TO MYSELF..quite the paradox?

 

I....DONT...KNOW..rather

no I maybe

DONT KNOW sounds more accurate 

Do I exist?

DONT KNOW

Holy hell I'm going to die one day and I don't know if hell exists...

[WelcometoReality]

Good. You've figured it out.. There is no knowing. There is only knowing of not knowing (and thats not true either). No words are true, at best they point to truth.

So express that which want to express itself. From that place which feels true. The place that "you" want to wall in, hide.

[DizIzMikey]

Nah this cant be true reality.. if this is the answer.. I'm so sick of this shit....

It has to get deeper

I don't wanna end with fucking I DONT KNOW....it's tormenting

[Guest]

@DizIzMikey  This is a good place.

Nobody can help you.

When the self is reaching it's end, it begins putting up big fight(s). You might have to go through multiple episodes depending on the strength of your ego.

Your ego will do everything in its power to distract you and distort reality. Stare that motherfucker down.

When you are totally exhausted you will be able to "give up" in the true sense. DO NOT allow yourself to fake this. If you catch yourself pretending to give up, keep staring that motherfucker down.

 

 

 

Edited March 25, 2016 by Galahad

[Galyna]

@DizIzMikey

Dear Mikey,

I think the best way would be to relax and accept this irritation within you. Accept that you can not and never will know. 

Please understand and start to observe your crazy mind ((ego) what so ever), who wants to be in charge, it has nothing to do with you and your life. Do not allow your thoughts to take advantage of you. You became a prisoner of your Head, maybe you should stop reading/watching videos about Enlightenment for a while. Just go spend time outdoor, relax, have a nice romantic dinner. Let you mind cool down for while. Then you will start over again. You are in this condition as if you would be an animal who is in the trap and now he is tearing his own flash to get out from the trap. You are going to hurt yourself more. Do not think too much, let it cool for a while, maybe distract yourself with something else, just for a short period of time.

Get better.

 

[99th_monkey]

Don't drink the kool- aid. These are thoughts that are arising from some sort of unraveling. I get them all the time usually a day or two after an insight or realization. This is the pendulum going back in the other direction. Sit with it, it will fade, and try to get in touch with what is seeing this experience (which is all it is)

:) much love friend

 

[Zenrik]

Knowing can not be done with your mind. Your mind can only trust/ faith.  There are only degrees of how much trust you put in beliefs. Great trust, great doubt.

Edited March 25, 2016 by Zenrik

[DizIzMikey]

@Galyna Thank you for your advice <3

[Ayla]

@DizIzMikey whoaaaa, quite the rant there, isn't it?

That is a perfect example of a dying mind. One that has received a blow and it now cracked. Finding a guide is essential if you want to actually kill the mind and not develop a long time relationship with it...

Listen to Mooji on youtube. Avoid heavy minded explanations or books... The "muscle" you need to build now it the "removing" one - disbelieve any and all offers mind comes up with. Look at what's "on offer" from Mr. Mind with the interest of a child discovering a toy he doesn't really appreciate or want. Don't buy into anything. Release. Disbelieve. 

If fear comes up, let it come and concentrate on what it is doing to body, not on what mind says about it. 

You're going to be just fine.

 

[DizIzMikey]

@Galahad I puked fooling myself that god didn't like me, but if I used "mind" that would seem like the truth, if god doesn't like me...all this time looking for god,I don't know what I would do...but that's just another belief I guess.

 

[DizIzMikey]

@Ayla Your picture me scares me...

 

lmao cracked mind comment made me laugh, like I'm some text book example rofl

Okie dokie... well as soon as I'm done playing Skyrim and hiding from this pain that I don't really wanna deal with because if I do I feel like I'll die physically, I'm going to continue this mini vacation and concentrate on just meditating a half hour a day for now.

Plan to get on a diet Monday and I think I'm going to do it this time like I quit cigarettes, I have the will and determination to do so now I think

I quit Soda and Energy drinks so... IM GONNA DO THIS I THINK...YEAH WAY TO GET PUMPED UP...

It's funny how in gyms they always tell each other YOU CAN DO THIS.. YEAH I CAN DO THIS

I would be the type to pump myself up by saying I CAN DO THIS YEAH.. i think... lolol

Off topic? Oh well I cracked

Time to go hide this "fact" and game some more because I'm a chicken shit....MAYBE.. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

[Ayla]

@DizIzMikey , I'm sorry, but you quit nothing at all...You're just replacing one addiction with another. The energy that keeps them there, is still present inside

 

[Guest]

@DizIzMikey If you're religious you might appreciate this interpretation on the temptations of Christ and the Buddha.

 

 

[DizIzMikey]

@Ayla 

Another addiction for another.....huh.....I guess

It feels real good though so what's wrong with it even if it was true?

Edited March 25, 2016 by DizIzMikey

[DizIzMikey]

@Galahad Religion was crammed down my throat, might throw me into a frenzy from within similar to the kid who had his WoW account taken

This one 

 

Edited March 25, 2016 by DizIzMikey

[Guest]

@DizIzMikey Instead of losing a video game account, you have to lose all ideas you have of yourself.

This is the challenge of enlightenment.

Good luck

[99th_monkey]

It'll pass bud, it'll pass.

[DizIzMikey]

@Galahad Do you get the metaphor though?

I find it hilarious that... I believe we all go through fighting through a beast that is within us all 

And it acts like a child! Made me crack up 

[electroBeam]

@DizIzMikey out of curiosity, are you experiencing this sort of worldview

[DizIzMikey]

1. @electroBeam I don't know if I know anything is where I'm at, for all thoughts are beliefs upon more beliefs.