Vanity and Spiral Dynamics

[MadisonAlyssa]

I've been studying Spiral Dynamics since Leo began his video series. I began investigating and observing my own life to see that I'm equally split between orange green and yellow, but I can't help but feel trapped in orange because of my attachment to vanity and appearance. I grew up with a mother and step mother who were both praised for being beautiful by a narcissist ( my dad <3 ). Spiritually I feel myself advancing; however, this conditioned attachment to beauty and vanity is causing a lot of resistance.

Has anyone else had this experience with an aspect of a stage that was difficult to overcome? I would love to hear of other experiences and perhaps any advice on transcending attachment in general. 

 

 

Edited August 29, 2018 by MadisonAlyssa
spelling, oops

[Leo Gura]

@MadisonAlyssa Well... sit down and contemplate why you are so attached to vanity and appearance.

When contemplating this stuff, you must probe beneath the stories and excuses like, "My Dad caused this", or "It was because of my childhood" and get to the root of why you are still attached to it. Attachments like this are always rooted in your survival needs.

So what do you fear will happen to you if you let go of vanity and appearance?

What would happen if you became ugly and everyone thought you were a cheap nasty whore?

How would that hurt your ego/survival? Why are you giving people that power over you?

What is vanity/appearance REALLY giving you? Love? Happiness? Success? Self-esteem?

Hint: it's giving you something positive, otherwise you wouldn't keep doing it.

What if your self-esteem was completely independent of your appearance? What would be bad about that? What if you were ugly and yet you still loved yourself just as much as when you were pretty?

Sit down and really contemplate all that in a brutally honesty manner.

Also, get very specific and clear about what you mean by "vanity" and "appearance", as these are very vague notions.

[Samra]

@MadisonAlyssa I had (probably still have ) attachments to how I look, and making sure everybody liking me. Once you realize this power over you, and how you identify and limit yourself with it, you can little by little let go of it. This is how it went for me. I used to not step out of the door or go to work without make up, in fear that I might be judged. Now I am always almost make up free, except when I want to. I used to wear tight uncomfortable clothes at all times to show off my figure, now I wear whatever makes me feel comfortable. I used to care about my coworkers (90 percent men) not liking me. So I used to be either flirtatious, or a yes man. Now, I m neither. I'm brutally honest with everyone, and that has caused a lot of people to dislike me, including my bosses, and that is ultimately fine. That showed me in the insight that I need to become a master at what I do to gain respect, not my charms. I'm sure you will change as well as you go through this work. As Leo said, do the contemplation work, and be honest, kind and loving to yourself.

[Toby]

Ken Wilber uses "Types". For example certain Enneagram Types and/or Subtypes would have "vanity" ... even while being overall in tier 2.

[Rilles]

Contemplate old age and death and realize that you’re holding on to something that is always changing and can never last. Change your view, see the beauty of reality itself instead of certain limited contents in it.

Edited August 30, 2018 by Rilles

[Forestluv]

20 hours ago, MadisonAlyssa said:

Has anyone else had this experience with an aspect of a stage that was difficult to overcome? I would love to hear of other experiences and perhaps any advice on transcending attachment in general. 

Yes, it's part of the evolution of consciousness in humans.

IME, the first stage is becoming aware of the conditioned pattern that I am attached to. 

The second stage is observing the thoughts and feelings without identification or attachment. When a thought arises during meditation, simply think "vanity thought", observe it and let it go. When a feeling arises that yearns to be beautiful or scared to be ugly, simply think "vanity feeling", observe it and let it go. This isn't easy to do. The mind-body seeks to engage with thoughts it is attached to. It seeks to identify with the thought/feeling. This labeling calls out your ego: "I can see you ego. That is a vanity thought". The one who observes the thoughts / feelings is a step closer to your true nature. After doing this over and over, you will likely start to sense *space* between the truer you (the observer) and the thoughts/feelings (the false self). 

The third stage: even after observing the thoughts/feelings and creating space from attachment, I'm not out of the woods yet. Subconscious impulses continue to appear. Well. . . I don't want to be continuously labeling the thoughts/feelings and letting go the rest of my life. I'd rather get to the root of the subconscious impulses so I can evolve beyond it. That's where the contemplation Leo described above comes in.

A personal example: growing up, I was told over and over again that I had intellectual "gifts", yet I was failing because I wouldn't apply myself. This became on ongoing theme with my parents and teachers. And to make it even more intense, my parents and teachers would team up in meetings with me and let me know how disappointed they were with me. This became an unconscious identity I adopted as I dropped out of four different Universities. And not just academics, pretty much any project I started. Then I flipped to the other extreme and became an over-achiever. I collected degrees, awards and scholarships as I climbed the academic ladder. I experienced very strong seeking toward self validation/approval and fear of anyone being disappointed in me (especially authority figures such as my father and academic advisors). I strongly identified with being a logical scientist. I was ideological about it. I needed to be right. I viewed everything through a lens of logic. I wanted to show others how irrational they were (especially regarding politics and religion). My relationships were mostly serious, intense and cerebral. I had little ability to see other perspectives, relativity and that I was part of a larger whole. After a lot of introspection work, I became aware of my pattern and how it was limiting me from evolving (up toward green and yellow). I became aware of my hyper analytical, logical thought patterns during meditation. I became aware that this was conditioned from my childhood and my academic environment. I made progress, yet the pattern kept arising from my subconscious and it was holding me back. Then I took a closer look. Rather than focus on the external conditioning, I asked myself the what was the deeper source? I went on a 10 day retreat that focused on observing our own personal belief systems. What is it about *me* that is seeking to be right? That is seeking to convince others to agree with me? What if I became stupid? What if I discover my dearly-held beliefs are wrong? What if I found out I don't know what I'm talking about? What would life look like? . .  I discovered that I had a *deep* sense of not being good enough. And not some type of psycho babble thinking. I experienced it to my core. Into the depth of my personal insecurity, of feeling unworthy and unloved. It was really uncomfortable and I left the retreat after four days. I felt a calling to continue and returned to the retreat two days later. By sitting with and experiencing the insecurity, I began to see all the ways I subconsciously avoid this space. I saw how my desire to "be right" was a desire to feel in control and that I didn't want to feel powerless and ungrounded. Then, I experienced a oneness with everyone in the retreat and all of humanity. That *everyone* experiences the same insecurity deep down. The everyone behaves in ways to avoid feeling insecure. I felt deep empathy and understanding of everyone - even people I had judged and condemned. They were just like me. Since then, the subconscious impulses to prove myself as knowledgeable has significantly decreased. My judgement of others has decreased. I've expanded my sphere of friends. Students used to be afraid to visit my office. Now we chill, listen to music and chat about life, science, humanities, and even paranormal phenomena, My mind-body is much more relaxed. There is a sense of freedom now. It's beautiful.