Disappearing self and nihilism

[Taavi]

Hi..

I want to describe my situation a bit and ask if someone is going through a similar experience. I have been doing consciousness work for about 3 years now (contemplating, meditation, reading various spiritual books, psychedelics etc.) and I have had some very deep experiences where the "I" structure dissolved. Now I am in a state where I have nowhere to ground myself. The "I" structure (the ego, the self or whatever have you) is back in business for most of the time but the illusion cannot be completed anymore as it once was. In a sense I have opened doors that cannot be truly unopened anymore. Now it is like a limbo where I am between two stools, the "I" world and the being world( it is the best description that came to mind). This limbo like existence is very disturbing as I cannot take anything seriously anymore but in the same time my mind is causing great suffering as it is constantly trying to grasp at something to hold on to and re-create itself. This grasping inevitably fails as my perspective has changed too much after these spiritual experiences.

It has been almost a year now where I am in this state and it keeps getting more and more intensive as I feel my sense of self having to immensely struggle to keep it up. It feels like I was a boat and now I have poked too many holes in it and the "I" has to keep throwing out water to stay a float in the sea of reality. But the holes are getting bigger and bigger and the boat is disappearing. I dont know if this makes sense but it is the best metaphor I was able to come up with. It also has a strong component of nihilism to the experience, as everything is seem meaningless from the "I" perspective as it self has been seen as illusory with all the rest of the shenanigans that go along with it. But nihilism itself is part of the illusion, I know that on some level but I cannot seem to find a way to resolve this conflict. I am 24 at the moment and I really would like to solve this conundrum as I do not want to spend another 50 years in this kind of limbo state of suffering. 

Is there anyone who has gone through this or is feeling the same experience? Help would be greatly appreciated.

[MrDmitriiV]

@Taavi Why are you suffering? 

Because the illusion is getting weaker and you don't want it to get weaker? Are you afraid of meeting your true nature? 

You may lack a strong intellectual understanding of spirituality. Read books, watch Leo's "Dark Side of Meditation" and so forth. Study Ego-backlash.

[dorg]

I have been through something similar.

Nothing is not as it should be. The stage you think you are in can last some time. You cannot speed up what is happening. Whatever is happening, just watch it. The more you get involved in/with it, the longer it seems to last and the more intense it seems to get. You as awareness are not involved.

Edited August 27, 2018 by dorg

[Haumea2018]

Taavi:

The first stage of enlightenment has a strong component of nihilism.  Its essence is negation of the (gross) ego.

That will disappear when you get into Cosmic Consciousness, the second stage, where "the hole" is filled.

So keep going forward, there's no going back.

Edited August 27, 2018 by Haumea2018