And Another Journey Begins

[tashawoodfall]

Layed in bed for two whole days.  Couldn't eat.  See I've woke up in the hospital.  The bartender told my ex-boyfriend who was calling me at the time (which never happens and was coincidentally the first time since we've been separated -about a month) I was at the bar (and I guess someone picked up my phone to tell him to come to get me) the bartender told him he thinks my drink was spiked.  The nurses at the hospital didn't tell me that and I was too eager to get home and recover so I didn't think to ask.

See I was celebrating the fact that I quit my job working for politicians.  Signing the NDA's and having that gross feeling -going against one of my top values as a human -honesty.  I just couldn't do it anymore.  Like I've said -I've layed in bed for two entire days recovering, guilt-tripping myself, dealing with all the negative emotions, the crippling stress, pissed off my ex had the audacity to tell me he's much happier without me when I'm the one who dumped his sorry cheating and lying ass. At least the heartbreak is turning to anger as it's a more useful emotion.

The stress has been getting to me.  I now consider myself self-employed.  I work for companies and at the time politicians for marketing work.  My job is basically to put on an image and can sometimes feel like manipulating people but I try not to see it that way.  Yes, key word is try.  I work way too much.

On facebook there's this thing where it shows you a post you wrote a year ago.  I wrote a year ago that working for money has an empty feeling.  At that time I told myself I'd be done doing it - yet here the fuck I still am.  You know it's not easy to transition to working for your passion.  It takes time and at least I've started the process.

I've found my life purpose -it involves creating a beauty program for Foster Teenage girls but I've been coming against a lot of resistance and distraction and I do understand it is my responsibility.  

My daughter stresses me out.  I'm a single mother and have her for 3.5 days a week.  Every time she has a cold I'm on high alert ready to take her to the hospital if need be.  The trauma I've had holding her while she's unconscious while I'm rocking back and forth on a 911 call asking them to fucking hurry still haunts me.  I don't think I'd be able to live through the pain of losing her.  The health issues she has and the responsibility I have financially stresses me out -adds to the many other things.

The good news is my car will finally be ready to pick up on Tuesday.  It's been hell without it.  My old job still owes me 2grand and is 2 months late with paying it which is annoying af because I worked extra hard when I didn't need to and those bitches laid me off without notice.  It's been stressful as I have a lot of bills and had to really fight to get jobs when I should never be that stressed.  My resume is too good but my attitude was not.  I read today that the purpose of life is happiness and it struck me.  See what am I doing?  

There's a new guy chasing me pretty hard.  On the surface he seems a little too good: good looking, very successful, 37 years old (which means he's more likely to be serious), calls me every day and says the right things -the only thing is he needs to back off a bit I haven't been single long enough but then again it's nice to know what I attract.  I haven't had sex in over a month (last time was with my ex) and strangely I have no desire yet.

I'm at a point where I just want to be god damn happy.  I want my job to excite me -I want passion when I wake up.  I want to feel sexy af looking in the mirror-healthy and get my damn hot body back.  I've put on about 10 lbs and feel like shit about it.  The good news is I have a meeting with a personal trainer guy on Tuesday, it's to do social media and marketing work and it comes with free personal training so we'll see what happens there.  

This past 5 months has been very very tough in several ways.  I'm hoping winter is over now.  I've had enough.

 

[Preety_India]

@tashawoodfall sorry to learn about your daughter. You go girl. You are doing great. Greetings and hugs. 

[tashawoodfall]

@Preety_India ty 

[tashawoodfall]

Today I finally woke up feeling better after sleeping again another 16 hours for the third day in a row.  I've sort of transitioned from a victim, apathy mindset to a tad bit of anger and ready to hit back in life.  I'm planning on hitting my workload hard tomorrow and push through it.  It's not as if I could just ignore it all and allow everything to start falling.  I've accepted the fact that I must work hard But I did seriously consider quitting it all and becoming some cocktail server or something lol at least then it'd be stress-free, it'd be easy and I'd have more creative energy and drive for what matters more which is my life purpose.  But I've decided I rather work hard in my career perhaps it'd allow me to be more influential in serving my life purpose because let's be honest most people at first see money and success and then maybe they'd listen to what I have to say and perhaps it'll lend me the respect to close deals and get things done faster.

I clearly see how unuseful it is for me to think negatively towards decisions I've made.  It's wasted energy that doesn't help with my productivity.  If I push hard these next few months to meet all my deadlines and be ruthless with it, I know I'll feel proud and accomplished and then on to my next bliss project it is.  I want to see how successful I can complete my first life purpose project and if it is indeed franchisable.  It's one of those things I've had in the back of my mind that I just need to accomplish to see what is next.  It's almost as if in this case, this specific journey -I'm driving at night and all I can see is in front of me if I keep it moving until the daylight comes.

My morning routine: I've gotten off track with it and that's bleeding throughout other parts of my life.  I feel like when I wake up I used the logic that I had way too much work to do that I needed to make that a priority instead of those important habits: working out, meditating and reading.  I've also done the same with my life purpose work I've put it on the back burner with these other false urgent things that honestly mostly just mean $ to me -probably fueled by my fear of insecurity.  Money gives me a sense of security and I love treating myself.  I also have a belief it's hard to make which is counterproductive because I find myself distracted and if only I would just focus for a good 5-6 hours a day, I'd get so much more done.  Every time I have started getting back into my routine I've felt the strongest and happiest but when falling off it's just the opposite - there's a sense of loss of hope and frustration.

My priorities have been re-arranged.  My fear of not making enough money is just that-a fear.  I need to put what's more important ahead of that.  I'm sure it'll pay off.  There also this "I want to be fucking free from working" thing going on.  As if -living my life purpose and making it my source of income isn't the most freeing and fulfilling way.

 

 

[tashawoodfall]

What I've learned the past day part 1:  

That sexy chiseled model guy that cooks for me, has hot lingerie lol and every girl can't help to turn her head to look at-he doesn't interest me anymore.  I've stopped replying to texts.  We'll see if this is a permanent thing.  I've told him I need my space.

 

From Deepak Chopra on how to move on from negative emotions that are holding you back:

Recognize it's due to a threat to one or more of your needs (from Maslow's hierarchy, he also referenced the chakras which to me are basically the same thing)

The 7 steps:

1) Take complete Response-ability: don’t blame someone else or you’d have to wait for them to feel better.

2) Witness the emotion: thoughts link to an emotion in the body.   Leo also has mentioned this technique in his "How to deal with strong negative emotions" video

3) Give it a label: don’t give it a label that blames someone else.

4) Describe the emotion: express it.  Describe it in a way that’s first person, 2nd person and then, third person.  This will start to diffuse the emotional charge.

5) Share it with someone you trust.

6) Release the emotion.  Best done through a ritual.  Burn up a piece of paper, flush it down toilet, breathing, yoga, or offer it to a deity.

7) Celebrate the release.  Go see a movie or something.

You can also try cognitive therapy or Byron Katie's book "The Work".

 

What I picked up from Leo's video today and very much relate to rn:

Life is a maze and it’s not some ordinary dumb box of a maze.  This maze is clever, very deeply intelligent.  This maze is filled with incredible horrors and delights.  It’s a trickster.  It’s filled with many dead ends, shiny distractions and false exits.  99% of people are dumb rats running around in this maze following all the other rats down the well-trodden ally ways chasing cheese.  It’s only about 1% of people who dare to and have the strength and perseverance to find a worthwhile path. 

 

You don’t know what the maze will hold.

 

Just when you think you’ve solved the maze, you’ve gone deeper into the maze.  it’s counterintuitive, it’s paradoxical it tends to work backward.  it tends to have backfiring mechanisms where you do one thing that you think is going to get you to the end and it actually sinks you deeper, a deeper level of the maze.

I google searched "Life is a maze" and 

"Life is a series of choices we make that either take us closer to our dreams and goals, closer to our destiny – or, further away from it. Most of us have lost sight of our life purposes because of past our failures or our belief that our dreams are simply to impossible to achieve. Those thoughts of denial are a product of the influences you’ve had in your life. Sadly those influences, if you’ve been through some form of schooling, has probably been mostly negative. I mean when was the last time a teacher told you that it was okay to fail a test? At some point I am sure that people have told you that you aren’t good enough. That the mark on your test is all you’ll ever amount to in life.

While we can’t change our past influences, we can stop them from boxing us in the maze of life. The universe works on Newton’s 3rd Law – that every action has an equal and opposite reaction – you may call it Karma, what goes around comes around, it’s all the same principle.

As with navigating a labyrinth, it is inevitable that you will hit a dead end every now and then and you’re going to want to give up, but I challenge you to keep going. Jump a bit higher, find a hammer and knock down the wall, try another route, claw through it if you must – but, never give up.

The sun always shines, even in the dark. You, like the sun, are also a star. You may not always shine the brightest and maybe there are clouds blocking your rays from reaching the people around you, but it’s your duty to shine brighter.

The solution to most of life’s challenges is to make choices. Whether you’re top of your class or the person constantly in detention, whether you’re the social butterfly or the ultimate snob – you are insanely awesome simply because you exist, you survived the birthing process, you can survive anything.

Please: don’t give up hope that it can’t get better, don’t let what you’ve been told about yourself by others become your truth, don’t stop thinking differently, don’t let who you are now determine who you’ll be 10 years from now, don’t give up on your dreams, don’t give up on life, and most importantly – don’t give up on yourself."

[tashawoodfall]

[tashawoodfall]

Decided to get off facebook today for a while if not indefinitely.    I just see how much of a waste of life it is.  I also caught myself feeding my ego through it and see how likes/notifications can be addicting -it's disturbing.  I'm done with it.  I rather live more in the real world.

[tashawoodfall]

This video has made me very emotional.  It seems it hit just where it needed to.

[tashawoodfall]

I wasn’t able to sleep last night at all.  I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve slept so much the past three days or if it’s because I have so much I need to get done to start knocking off my list and getting my stress levels down or a mix of both.  

I feel pretty good overall.  I’ve really taken to heart what Matt Kahn has said in his latest video about how suffering is caused by too many options (in regards to work I've taken on too much and keep doing it).  I’ve dropped many and have made decisions.  

Im on my way to court to get part of my situation handled.  I’ll see how much I can get done today so hopefully by tomorrow I have a big situation in my life handled finally! 

Edited August 28, 2018 by tashawoodfall

[tashawoodfall]

So a guy I dated briefly before my last ex started chasing me again.  I told him to give me space and he just continued to text me and call me.  The thing is - he's gorgeous, delicious, sweet, a great time, sexy af.  The problem is -the conversation and emotional connection is not there -the intellectual conversations -what I crave is not there.  This is very very similar if not identical to my ex I just broke up with about a month ago.  It was an issue for me and here I recognize it happening again.  After much resistance and contemplation, I decided I had to let this guy go and not even pursue it or do it again for that matter, not even a little bit -it was fun but I've learned.  So I told him in a very nice way and that's that fuck hopefully this time.  Ugh, the sex, dinners, and his charm will be missed but it's time to grow up -in a sense (for me)  I want something else. 

I'll be fucking brutally honest I did too many times and was going to again for sex, the fairy tale nights, the conquering/ego aspect to it and the attention.  I decided fuck it I'm going another route.  It hasn't worked for me in the past.

 

Edited August 28, 2018 by tashawoodfall

[tashawoodfall]

The 5 Chapters of my Life
By Portia Nelson

Chapter 1:
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost...
I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2:
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3:
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit
My eyes are open; I know where I am;
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4:
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5:
I walk down another street.

[tashawoodfall]

I'm about to get an intense workout in and fucking own this day.  I've been swearing a lot lol

[tashawoodfall]

I got that second part-time job today that allows me to work from home (social media/sales/marketing).  So now I have two job that allows me to work from home however they are both commissions based but I feel the product I'm selling in both cases is easy enough to sell where I don't feel I NEED another job.  This has been the tricky thing for me.  To not go job hunting for an hourly position where I'm stuck in an office for 40 hours a week ie most of my life has been challenging but doing this work from home is what I want to do.  

I do, however, have an interview on Friday as a private events sales manager at a fancy new restaurant opening soon.  The base pay is 50k and there is commission so I'd be making on average 90-100k/year.  The thing I'd have to do however if I do somehow pull it off and land that job is I'd have to travel out of state and stay there for 2 months which will be very challenging for my daughter and her father but I'm sure I'd be able to make it work with babysitter's etc.  If I do get this one I may just have to drop what I'm currently doing and do that instead.  We'll see though because - I just want to be happy and working from home for two places I enjoy...if this becomes easily lucrative it'll be hard to switch back to a 9-5.

So I got that all out.  It looks like I may just be alright after all.  

Today I had that intense workout and it boosted my mood tremendously.  It felt really good.  During the workout itself when it got to the challenging part I found myself in the present moment and thinking that there is a time for pain and discomfort and there is a time for relief.  It helped.

I finally got my car back from my ex and that wasn't a pleasant experience as he wanted me to wait until the following day but I just could not after waiting for so long so he left the keys with someone else and I was able to finally get it.  I got so worked up because my car didn't start and I had spent so much money and time previously fixing all my car issues and it was perfect when I left it.  I even suspected he fucked with it.  Anyway I googled it while his friend is telling me what it is and not (which he was completely wrong) and my ex on the phone telling me what he thinks it is and what I should do (also completely wrong) so I relied on google and found out that since it's just been sitting there that long that all it needed was a jump.  I went to the neighbor's house to ask if they had jumper cables, they did and it was jumped and bam -problem solved.

I ended up purchasing some marijuana (first time in about 7 months), packed a snack, water, my taser and went to the mountains at night to climb the rock, eat, smoke and reflect.  I decided I'd have this special "me time" with JUST myself every Tuesday night in the mountains.  I think this will be important.  I say that now because of how much of an effect it had on me last night.  It was magical and it feels foreign and so good to be spending that type of time with myself.

I'm going to wake up early again tomorrow and workout again.  I decided working out would be the first habit to put into place because it's most important to me.  I also have training tomorrow for this new job I got.  

[tashawoodfall]

 

[Colin]

 

[tashawoodfall]

@Colin lol I dig the song

Progress -ish

I didn't work out yesterday or the day before and my body has been sore from working out those 2 days lol damn...I didn't eat healthy enough for 2 days out of the four.  Tomorrow is day 5 and this is what it looks like right now

Day 1: Workout + Ate Healthy

Day 2: Workout  + Cheated

Day 3: No Workout + Cheated

Day 4: No Workout + Ate Healthy

This is bad ugh.  I can do this though.  I decided doing P90X isn't working well for me.  It's extreme and hard to be ok with doing every day.  I decided to switch to a new DVD program I got it's basically Dancing to shed the weight and workout.  So I switched P90X for Flirty Girl Fitness DVD's and ate healthy today.  I go grocery shopping every friday...and so I think not having all my healthy groceries those 2 days contributed to me cheating.  Also, my body has been so sore for working out those 2 days and that I think it's contributed to me not working out the past 2 days.  I'm thinking to take a slower, easier approach.  

What I learned:

1) If I don't have healthy groceries in my kitchen, I am more likely to cheat especially during these early stages

2) Doing intense workouts right off the bat while I'm not in shape is not a working strategy for me to adopt a long-term workout.

*Starting off so intense made me dip for two days...

In the past, I would contemplate and try to find ways to ninja kick my mind to help me with building this habit...and this has never worked.  I think just focusing on doing my semi-fun/easy (easier then P90x) workout and eating healthy is the way to go.  Also, keeping a journal.  It was helpful to see the pattern (that dip I've had many times before) and I did not see it until I wrote it out.

[tashawoodfall]

Day 5: No Workout + Ate Healthy

Day 6: Workout + Ate Healthy

I did the Flirty Girl Fitness DVD and actually enjoyed working out.  It's not so dreadful anymore and I'm thinking this will work.  Now the game is patience all while building this habit.  I like the idea of building a habit by doing a workout that is quite easy and fun.  I can get to the hardcore stuff after the habit is built - a month or so from now.  

I also decided I want to be asleep at 10 PM (latest 11 PM) and be awake by 4:00 AM.  Did this today and it feels great.  As for the other big habits I want to put in place: meditation (20 minutes) and reading.  Since I am focused on first putting working out in place, I am not going to make the other habits required.  I'll just do them sporadically when I feel like it.  Today I feel like meditating so I will.  But again, working out and eating healthy is the main and only focus.

[tashawoodfall]

I really want to go get my friends back and maybe find another one and start dating but I feel like I must put my life back into place.  Before dating -get my body and sexual confidence back.  Before building/repairing my friendships..get my career and money situation back on track, get my mind right and get my purpose on track.  I guess right now I feel I'd like to be alone and build in silence.  Lay low (as much as possible) and get my shit together.  

[tashawoodfall]

Woke up again at 4 AM today and I have to say it really does feel right and great for me.  I need to learn how to stop myself from napping too long during the day or staying up too late to work on something and therefore mess up this sleeping schedule I have going.

 

Day 1: Workout + Ate Healthy

Day 2: Workout  + Cheated

Day 3: No Workout + Cheated

Day 4: No Workout + Ate Healthy

Day 5: No Workout + Ate Healthy

Day 6: Workout + Ate Healthy

Day 7: No Workout + Ate Healthy

Day 8: No Workout + Cheated 

Day 9: Workout + Ate Healthy

 

Worked out: 4/9 days 

Ate Healthy: 6/9 days

 

I will improve on working out more often.  

I feel like I'm doing great with my diet and it doesn't seem very hard, perhaps after all this time, it's finally starting to become normal.

 

The goals: everyday=7 days a week 

• To eat healthy every day as a habit
• To work out every day as a habit

[tashawoodfall]

I decided to sit down, get clear and write everything out.  

Working as my own business has got me all over the place (I recently made this leap).  I love the freedom but it's also challenging because I must spend my time wisely, be good at managing myself and be a professional.  Here's my new daily routine that incorporates everything.  I'm going to use this as a default template of how my day should run.

 

4:00 - 6:00 AM  Fitness

6:00 - 8:00 AM  Accomplishment Project

8:00 AM - 2:00 PM Income Main Source

*If I am going out, Get Ready

2:00 - 4:00 PM Income 3rd long-term source

4:00 PM - 8:00 PM Income 2nd source or Bliss project

 

Right now I have 3 sources of income named by most to least (immediately) important.  The 3rd source is a more long-term strategy.  Each one of them is considered part-time and again I plan to stick to this schedule 7 days a week.   I also have a project I called the "Accomplishment Project" which is driven by my need for accomplishment and my love for learning.  The "Bliss Project" is my life-purpose project.  

Edited September 5, 2018 by tashawoodfall