Building Social Circles

[CirclesofMastery]

I'm in my mid 20's and have moved to a new city but have been here for over a year now and only have a few friends and acquaintances. It's really the mechanics i struggle with as when i was in school like most, it just came naturally. For me creating single relationships here and there are no problem but want to build on this. It's the the small group to the large group dynamics that i haven't a clue how to cultivate and manage. The benefits and opportunities i feel i miss not being the connector of people and not being connected to people are obviously massive. 

Br

CoM

[Spoobie]

I personally don't like having too many friends, i'd much rather have a small circle of real friends than a big circle of people i'm less connected with.

[Infinite]

Do you really want a large group to associate with? There are benefits and detriments to having a larger social circle, but based on my perspective, I would say overall that it is better to have a smaller social circle. Every time you add a new person to your social circle, you increase the difficulty of creating and maintaining deeper, higher quality connections with those individuals. Having a smaller circle of friends will allow you to have higher quality friendships overall. 

[Roman]

Search the web if there's a Toastmasters Club in or close to your city. As I relocated for my intership in Hamburg, Germany this helped me a lot to find different kinds of open minded people. Now after half a year I really built some foundations for long term relationships with a few people. 

[Guest]

A few years ago I enjoyed a very busy and diverse social life and was instrumental in bringing lots of people together and creating new friendship circles. I would say there's only one secret to it: be active, not passive. Be the one who comes up with an idea for an event or meet-up and call the people you want there. Also, don't leave it to chance: be strategic. Introduce people you think will get on. Keep on top of relationships: having a wide social circle is plate-spinning.

A wide social circle is rewarding but, as has been mentioned above, comes with its sacrifices - on some level you're always sacrificing quality for quantity. Lots of fun though!

Edited February 8, 2016 by Stretch

[Dangirdas]

The easiest way to get a larger circle, is by going out clubbing or to parties. Or have a social hobby where you can connect with multiple people. Having a big circle is a good thing, it gives you options and opportunities. It makes you life WAY easier than having no or a small circle. The problem with a small circle is that you are to dependant on them to do things. What happens when it falls apart? You will be alone. Get a big circle by being active, and then get e smaller one, once you have establish a big one.  Now you have the real friends, the real people you connect with, and you also have opportunities and options from the big one when you need them.

[Mia]

Being an introvert, I never enjoyed small-talk and superficial conversations (it rather stresses me), although I discovered that it´s necessary to have this skill for creating networks, job opportunities etc. Humour helps a lot, but unfortunately you don´t always come up with a good joke when you need it most (I think Leo has a video touching on humour), but if you relax, just being present in the situation, following what happens around - it all can happen naturally. Curiosity and genuine interest about other people can also be a clue. Otherwise - finding a hobby, an activity, doing something you like together with others (sports, dancing, hiking etc. in my case it was Argentinean tango that helped to connect with people).

[CirclesofMastery]

8 hours ago, Stretch said:

A few years ago I enjoyed a very busy and diverse social life and was instrumental in bringing lots of people together and creating new friendship circles. I would say there's only one secret to it: be active, not passive. Be the one who comes up with an idea for an event or meet-up and call the people you want there. Also, don't leave it to chance: be strategic. Introduce people you think will get on. Keep on top of relationships: having a wide social circle is plate-spinning.

A wide social circle is rewarding but, as has been mentioned above, comes with its sacrifices - on some level you're always sacrificing quality for quantity. Lots of fun though!

Hey man thanks for the post. 

Ok so always thinking how to connect people, how individuals may click with others, actively being creative with group events, keep the plates spinning.  

What specific sacrifices did you have to make? I have Friday Night, Saturday Day and Saturday Night, Sunday Day and Sunday Night. So essentially 5 separate segments in which to find and develop the group/groups. Now to find the people I want in my group how would you say the best way to do this would be? what was the combination that worked best for you? Putting yourself in proximity to these people and approach (kinda like cold approach pick up) , organizing events with random people to join then cherry picking from this, actively meeting friends of friends, overlapping mentor searching and some how be effective at being getting people to connect you with others?

Br

CoM      

[Guest]

8 hours ago, CirclesofMastery said:

Hey man thanks for the post. 

Ok so always thinking how to connect people, how individuals may click with others, actively being creative with group events, keep the plates spinning.  

What specific sacrifices did you have to make? I have Friday Night, Saturday Day and Saturday Night, Sunday Day and Sunday Night. So essentially 5 separate segments in which to find and develop the group/groups. Now to find the people I want in my group how would you say the best way to do this would be? what was the combination that worked best for you? Putting yourself in proximity to these people and approach (kinda like cold approach pick up) , organizing events with random people to join then cherry picking from this, actively meeting friends of friends, overlapping mentor searching and some how be effective at being getting people to connect you with others?

Br

CoM      

There’s no critical point, the more time you put in the bigger your social life will develop and the bigger your circle will grow. At the point in my life I was talking about my social life was my no.1 focus and I was out all the time - since then I have put a bigger focus on other things and my circle has shrunk.

In terms of how to recruit friends, for me it was a very organic process. If you have a small friend group, make sure you get chatting to their other friends when you get a chance to meet them, then the friends of those new friends and so on. After a while you can start synthesising new groups if you want to. I’d take it easy on the cold approach personally (although you can definitely make friends from casual banter with random people when you're stood at a bar or whatever). My personal take is that cold approach is something that works better in a pick-up scenario because dating is all about 1-on-1 while socialising (especially in the early stages of friendships) is usually more about group dynamics and networking. I’d use connections you already have if possible.

I'd be slightly cautious about 'cherry picking'. In a sense, this is what you're doing when you synthesize new groups, but I'd recommend being as open and accepting as you can be about who joins in - remember, friend groups are a network and you can't dictate who's in the group, everyone else has as much right as you to decide who they invite along. I'm sure you didn't mean it in a cliquey or exclusive sense, but thought it was worth a mention!

I’d really emphasise though that the the no.1 thing that made a difference for me was being proactive. The vast majority of people aren’t, and social events usually happen without someone really taking the lead. If you take that on, everyone will be calling you on a friday night to see what’s happening, which is a good position to be in if you want lots of friends.

Finally, you can't engineer a great social life without great social skills. All the networking and proaction in the world won't help you if people aren't drawn to your personality. I'd recommend 'how to talk to anyone' by Leil Lowndes for some practical techniques (I'm about about halfway through implementing them in my own life at the moment and have found they've been getting good results).

Hope that helps!

 

Edited February 9, 2016 by Stretch

[CirclesofMastery]

15 hours ago, Stretch said:

I'd be slightly cautious about 'cherry picking'. In a sense, this is what you're doing when you synthesize new groups, but I'd recommend being as open and accepting as you can be about who joins in - remember, friend groups are a network and you can't dictate who's in the group, everyone else has as much right as you to decide who they invite along. I'm sure you didn't mean it in a cliquey or exclusive sense, but thought it was worth a mention!

 

This is very helpful. Now i think about what you have said i am trying to control situations to much which shuts down a lot of possibilities and opportunities for me for me. I have no problem with the friendships I already have. I feel being social isn't the issue here i can socialize as good as anybody in a bar or club setting with strangers it's just not consistent enough. 

Lesson 1: Stop Trying To Control. Very powerful point.

15 hours ago, Stretch said:

I’d really emphasise though that the the no.1 thing that made a difference for me was being proactive. The vast majority of people aren’t, and social events usually happen without someone really taking the lead. If you take that on, everyone will be calling you on a friday night to see what’s happening, which is a good position to be in if you want lots of friends.

I feel once the above is handled, Next if i can get these two principles down the ball will start rolling rapidly. 

Principle 1: Having a plan and strategy in place on which to measure success against.

Principle 2: Taking massive and consistent action on Principle 1.

 

On making Principle 2 happen, I know you did say  

15 hours ago, Stretch said:

In terms of how to recruit friends, for me it was a very organic process

You must of had a process and set of rules you went through on the weekdays and weekends that enabled you to become the party starter/collector of people/sociable man, even if it felt organic. You may have cycled through this in your mind so fast it felt like second nature. You say you are not so focused in this area and it wasn't what it once was. how would you get back to that place?

I have heard from somewhere if it can't be measured and quantified it isn't a skill.

[Jsimpson]

Just a quick note. I appreciate all of the previous input. I am currently expanding myself in all aspects and this forum post has helped with knowledge that I have been searching for. Thank you all for opening up!

[Guest]

On 2/9/2016 at 9:09 PM, CirclesofMastery said:

This is very helpful. Now i think about what you have said i am trying to control situations to much which shuts down a lot of possibilities and opportunities for me for me. I have no problem with the friendships I already have. I feel being social isn't the issue here i can socialize as good as anybody in a bar or club setting with strangers it's just not consistent enough. 

Lesson 1: Stop Trying To Control. Very powerful point.

I feel once the above is handled, Next if i can get these two principles down the ball will start rolling rapidly. 

Principle 1: Having a plan and strategy in place on which to measure success against.

Principle 2: Taking massive and consistent action on Principle 1.

 

On making Principle 2 happen, I know you did say  

You must of had a process and set of rules you went through on the weekdays and weekends that enabled you to become the party starter/collector of people/sociable man, even if it felt organic. You may have cycled through this in your mind so fast it felt like second nature. You say you are not so focused in this area and it wasn't what it once was. how would you get back to that place?

I have heard from somewhere if it can't be measured and quantified it isn't a skill.

I'm impressed, you definitely seem like you have the right proactive attitude to make it happen, I'm sure you'll get what you want. What I meant by organic was simply not to over-engineer it - strategy is good, as I said, but you've also got to let things take their natural course as well. Being out and about and meeting people as much as you can, aided with some strategy and thinking about what you want in between meet-ups and events, is enough I think.

You asked me about my shift in focus and how I'd get back to a busy social life. It was a conscious decision to prioritise other stuff (academics, finding a life purpose, etc), getting it 'back to that place' will just involve spending more time socialising, when I have it!

Good luck!

[DreamSpirit]

On 2/7/2016 at 6:47 AM, CirclesofMastery said:

I'm in my mid 20's and have moved to a new city but have been here for over a year now and only have a few friends and acquaintances. It's really the mechanics i struggle with as when i was in school like most, it just came naturally. For me creating single relationships here and there are no problem but want to build on this. It's the the small group to the large group dynamics that i haven't a clue how to cultivate and manage. The benefits and opportunities i feel i miss not being the connector of people and not being connected to people are obviously massive. 

Br

CoM

I definitely agree that Toastmasters clubs are the easiest way to branch out and meet outgoing people also developing communication skills while you're at it.  As you grow older you'll start to find that your circle of close friends will get smaller and smaller (maybe 2-3) and it's necessary to keep it that way to maintain fulfilling, intimate and healthy friendships.  You don't want to ping off of everyone, you never know what habits you'll pick up unconsciously that you don't want.   At this time in your life, it would benefit you to find healthy circles to associate with and grow within them.  Things like Toastmasters, Meet-ups, activity groups are a great start.  Try your best to steer clear of clubbing, keep it to a minimum if you can.

[Endew]

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