5g Heroic Mushroom Dose in the Dark Closet

[Vladimir]

This is the mushroom experience I've had about two years ago that jump started me on this journey. Somewhere in the middle of this trip I remembered Leo and was expressing my gratitude for him for helping to lead me on this path, I also had no doubt in my mind that I'm going to meet him one day.

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Started by sitting in a dark closet and Vipassana meditated for about 40 minutes, after which I already lost a sense of body and had flowing sensations with complete darkness and quiet mind. Came out of the closet drank 4.7g of powder mushrooms in a smoothie with 2 carrots, 6 kale leafs, half lemon, 1 apple, 1 banana, 1 cucumber, blackberries, blueberries and strawberries. About 20-30 minutes into the experience the body started to get very cold, went from shivering to violent shaking, put on a sweater, didn't help. Tried my best to focus on being equanamous with all the intense sensations, had Goenka's voice help me out: "you are to develop equanimity, you are to break the old patterns of the mind, come out of your misery".

About an hour into the experience started seeing different colors, spherical shapes and patterns, there were also flashes of random pictures of people as if they were gathered around me watching my experience unfolding at different locations in life, that seemed to have really bothered me and first I thought were just some random thoughts occuring in my mind, though I also guessed they could have been ego's continious wanting of being the center of attention. This is true about me in life and I'm working on letting it go, Vipassana's service was very helpful but I still need to work on humility and diminishing ego.

Before the trip I had set the intent: "show me death and what happens after it" (later on I would realized I have very much underestimated this intent's meaning). As I kept getting deeper into the experience, insights kept coming up, the right kind of questions, so that I could experience a complete let go of the ego: "who is watching this experience, where is the consiousness? dig deeper, dig deeper....you are to break the old habits of the mind, come out of your misery....(Goenka's guidance was invaluable during this experience)" I seemed to have been diving deeper into it to the point where what was left of the body was a feeling at the top of the head with some of the remaining thoughts and a single idea of "me perceiving the experience". 

At one point I had a realization I was looking at the life / universe itself and the whole visual was starting to merge with my body and then it occured to me that if I would go into it all in there woulnd't be going back. I could feel so much energy flowing through my body, though the sensations of cold and shaking seemed to have subsided, my body felt like it was being swung in random directions around infinite space of colors and shapes, with some flashing "thought pictures "in the midst of it all still remaining.

I think my cat Wallace could feel the energy happening inside the closet at this moment and started meowing (should have wore the earplugs), I would later confirm cats and most likely other animals respond to this "life force energy", from now on I'm just going to refer to it as "force". Somewhere in the midst of the experience I started to realize I'm god, not in a separate sense where I'm here  and ruling over the kindgom of the universe, but rather god as in non-duality, oneness, everything is god sense. 

This is the scary part, I realized that if I would conitnue going with the experience, I would stay in the closet forever, either dead or catatonic, I would be discovered some weeks later by my parents.  I started to feel their suffering as they would discover me in the closet and what they would have to go through, I also felt deep compassion for Wallace and Nari (two of my cats), who would take care of them when I'm gone? 

I came to an understanding, this was mushroom showing me what death is like and this is what attachment to physical reality and people / animals that are close to us is really like, in order to truly experience death, you have to let go of everything that is precious to you, everything that you love and care about. In addition to the attachment to parents and cats there was also a shame of leaving life so early not to have truly realized my full potential and thought how sitting in the closet on a computer chair naked, covered with a blanked isn't the best place to die. I tried my best to let that all go. From there on, I'm not so sure what exactly happened, either I have let go completely or I still hadn't finished the process in full. What I remember is darkness and then opening my eyes because Wallace kept meowing and I wanted to let him in, that seemed to have broken the concentration. I opened the closet door to let both of my cats in.

Here is when the next part of experience in a "physical reality" starts happening. I felt "life force" emanating all around me, through me and everything in the environment, I literally felt like god and I was projecting the force by the power of body movement and insane amount of willpower that was coming from somewhere within the body (A Separate Reality comes to mind where they talk about willpower coming from the belly area). I think both of my cats have been invaluable in this part of the experience, I realized I could learn from them about this force I have just tapped into. (after the trip was over I read "Kundalini is the feminine, creative, evolutionary force of infinite wisdom that lives inside every single one of us") -- every one of those facts would be confirmed later in my experience.

The first thing I did when I came out of the closet was to look in the full body mirror hung right besides my bed and was at an awe of how magnificent the body was, I didn't feel like my "old self" at this point, I truly felt like this experience have awoken a god within me and that Vladimir died in that closet forever. Leonardo Davinci's Vitruvian Man came to mind as I stared at my body in that exact posture. (this idea of me being dead in the closet would come up, again and again during the experience, I just couldn't understand how I could ever go back to my old self after the experience -- this turned out to be a yes and no question as I would later discover). I not only felt like I had tapped into a super power where everything was possible, I could actually do things with my body to prove to myself I wasn't just imagining things, four movies now come to mind to describe the experience -- The Matrix, Star Wars, Limitless and Lucy.

What would now ensue is me coming to grips with this super power, it was like Neo trying to jump over the building and failing, he knew he had the power but he didn't know how to fully control it, he was still holding on to his old habits and patterns of the mind and behaving like his old self. This is exactly how I felt, there was limitless wisdom, limitless possibilities with what I could do with the body and mind, limitless creativity, godly energy force of life, at the core of it all love permeating every little space of the environment, love is truly the language of life and somewhere during my contemplation in the experience I realized that life should be celebretad. Though there was still clumpsiness of the old patterns of the body, the awkward behavior, there was also a constant state of "mind blown", so many things to experiment with and try, I just didn't know what to start with. I needed to learn how to walk, talk, balance, move, relate to cats and people in a completely different way, it was like being born for the first time, but this time in an adult form with all the previous 'regular life' knowledge and behavior. I decided to start learning from my cats.

I think while I was still looking in the mirror, my cats were still hanging out the closet and at one point they dropped a jar with a bunch of change in it, which made a lot of noise. I would usually automatically react to something like that by yelling something to them in Russian with high energy. I'm not sure what scared my cats, the noise itself or me channeling this force into their direction as I reacted to the noise myself by having powerful feelings about the sensations which I now think was a combination of old habbit patterns of reacting combined with this new force. I didn't make any vocal sound but they both ran out of the closet as fast as they could. This made me realize, I need to learn how to behave differently with this energy, especially when it came to relating to gentle beings like cats. My cat Nari is especially delicate, as I later approached her and tried to pet her, she was very uneasy around me, as if sensing this force, she wouldn't let me touch her if my hand came over her and I needed to lure her with my hand and let her approach me first to be comfortable with me, this doesn't happen in my usual state.

This is where I started learning and coming in back in touch with the animalistic nature of myself. I could literally feel the old patterns and habits of the 'normal human life' as knots throughought places in my body, most of which have felt like anger and tension and "supressed emotions and body movements". I jumped on the bed and in a tiger-like movement started roaring out the anger, shaking up the old shoulder, neck, back and other accumulated sankars, in a movement that I've never seen any human being do in real life (though I made the roaring silent, not to disturb the neighbors, which tells me I need to be somewhere completely desolate with nobody around next time I'm doing this so I can go "all-in" with the experience). I was also doing other movements, the body felt like it could move in so many more ways that the 'old self' thought it could, it's like there was no limit to the expression of movement. As I was shaking out the old habits, it felt like I was getting closer to my true nature. To add to the animalstic experience as I was standing in front of mirror, I started to see hair growing all over my legs and the rest of the body as if I was some animal or a cave man. It was also showing me a feminite side of the body, it's like I could see both a man and a woman inside of that mirror, is this related to Kundalini as feminine energy or god as both male and female?

As I was doing these animal like movements an insight came up: a body can do a lot more than you think it can. Here is where I start to experiment with other bodily movements, I was experimenting with all sorts of different sounds, almost music that I could make with my bare hands, which later evolved into so motions as if I could create a new language out of the shapes of hands and fingers, combined with sounds, it didn't make any sense, but it was fun to experiment with because the movements I was making were out of this world which seemed to be moving at the speed of the matrix fights. Shortly after, not as any particular thought, but rather what seemed to be evolving naturally from my desire to unlock from the old patterns of movement, I started experimenting with martial arts form which I called kung-fu at the time. I have zero previous martial arts experience with just a few occasions of drunk street fights. I started creating a way of fighting which I'm sure would look like a serious, trained martial arts practioner had it been recorded on camera that day. The movements seemed to have been coming to me spontaneously, not as if: "let's do that cool movement now", but rather a combination of my body wanting to unlock it's full potential and get rid of new sankars in this newly discovered, creative art form. I wondered at that point if I would remember any of those movements when the trip was over. I felt like all the UFC fighters were just clowns compared to what I could do at that point and that taking them out would be easy. This confidence didn't seem to be stemming from the egocentric point of view, but rather the "all knowing, limitless wisdom of life, creative force of life" vs "one single UFC fighter" type of way. What I know realize is that it wouldn't be a good idea to jump at a UFC fighter right away with this body, not used to and trained to the mastery of martial arts. However, I now believe that ANY skill and behavior you can imagine can be learned while on this trip, if all the right preparations is done before, during and after the experience and if you also facilitate it with proper training while in a regular state. I learned that balance is crucial for becoming a great martial artist, something that never occured to me in my life.

As I have discovered, I also have an unbelievably funny comedian inside of me and I could do amazing things with my facial expressions and body language. This is something my mom kept telling me my entire life and I even took acting courses at college where I think just scrubbed the surface of the iceberg of this true potential. I have demonstrated that as well in front of the mirror and cracked myself up, it was like I was the best comedian in the world and felt like I could become a celebrity if I wanted to. Not only would I need to move differently now, I could also unlock a full potential of a actor and comedian inside of me and I now realized I would need a completely new of of behaving and relating to people in life. I started experimenting with new ways of behaving and talking and just laughing genuinely at my own jokes and old ways of behaving. 

After experimenting with these super powers and what I could do with them for a while, it had a bit of a toll on my body and I also realized some of these things I was experimenting with had an egocentric goal in mind, now I also realized that not only would I need to move and act differently, I would also need to learn how to think differently. So I sat down and I started to think, I started contemplating, what should my life be about? What are the priorities? 

Some of the insights started coming up.....a human ego which was developed in a part of the brain over the many years we have been living in an industrialized society, full of institutions and un-natural ways of living, materialistic, competitive, egocentric environment, has blocked a part of the brain which is in tune and harmony with the love of nature and force of life. A tune which all human beings are ought to operate on, NO NO NO this was not a hallucinogenic, drug induced disillusion I was experiencing, this was REAL LIFE, this was waking up from the fucking nightmare of disillusion for the first time ever, I was experiencing true LIFE for the first time ever! The imprisoned brain makes people sub-human machines who's only goal is to survive, compete with each other and go through life with enough "glimpses at true life" that they don't end up killing themselves, which causes a life long of suffering. The 'break out' of the prison of this state of mind can be terrifying, it can have real physical impact on the body, an un-prepared, weak minded person can become hospitalized or even dead, just think what what kind of pain of body and mind terror Neo went through when he took the red pill. 

From some of the reading I've done so far, the mushroom diminishes that ego part of the brain and is like a key to unlock true mind power that is within all of us. I now don't see the mushroom as a drug at all, but rather as a great ally and medicine to transform yourself to the other side. I think, especially if that is combined with these things: 1) proper diet, 2) being in the nature 3) tai chi (have they learned how to channel this life energy?) 4) martial arts 5) meditation 6) yoga 7) breathing techniques 8) gaining as much knowledge about the "other world" by reading books or first hand experience 9) acupuncture 10) chinese herbal medicines. There so many questions and so much I want to learn about this, how can this experience be achieved faster, was it the mixture I made, was it a 10-day vipassana course, was it setting the intention of ego death? Can yoga and other practices really facilitate this experience and if so, how much of each practice should we be doing? I haven't contemplated this part on the infinite wisdom while on Kundalini but I think sharing our experiences can have tremendous benefits.

Also, I'm not sure what enlightment is, to me that was the ultimate enlightment, to live THIS LIFE that we're given, not in an EGO protecting stance, but rather sharing the love of life with each other and celebrating THIS LIFE here and now. Vipassana is a great tool, and I don't think I would be able to achieve the state without it, but I think it's only a part of it (though I don't know that yet, can anybody just take 5g of mushrooms and enter this state? I don't think so....from the trip reports I've read so far people get terrified, see random colors and can't explain things, some of them also feel unconditional love, but do they really know what they're tapping into? I think not, because if they did, there would never be going back, I know there is no going back for me). I think order to go through the whole experience, one absolutely must take mushroom or meditate for decades. When you live a life in an unnatural state all your life and inherit certain genes and characteristics from many previous generations who have also lived in an unnatural environment, you can't just snap out of it and eliminate the part of your brain which was developed by a constant sense and understanding of ego, the process must be facilitated by powerful hyper organic alien technology like psylocibin. This also brings to mind indegenous people who could "feel" the nature around them and live in harmony with it (of course they could! they were in tune with the life of nature), this could explain how egyptians and other civilizations that built marvels that today's technology still can't explain. They had this infinite wisdom. But humanity went off this evolutionary path somewhere in history because of the dominant egocentric side of the brain that wants to keep all the wealth and resources for itself and survive. At the same time that side of humanity doesn't mind reproducing and draining this planet of the resources, shitting on the nature and animals and creating the most high tech weapons of war possible which could explain why this side has dominated this world.

......The love was permeating everything, my cats responded to this energy this life energy force, it's like they're on this "wave-length" at all times. As I sat there contemplating what's going on in the world, I saw so much suffering in humans and animals. I felt deep compassion for all the animals who are suffering a life long HELL, especially those animals that are so popular in this culture like cows and chickens. I also thought the motherfuckers at the highest ranks who must know about this power and have it locked up, illegal and contained for their own selfish reasons, people who are responsible for the financial monstrosity and wealth gap that exists today. On the other hand....but do they really know? I guess this power could also be used for not only spreading and sharing love, but dominating over the world, it's funny how my name means Vladi (to rule) mir (peace or world). 

After contemplating for some time, I tried to experiment with some more body movements which I could still perform at a mind-blowing capacity, though I shortly felt like it has had a toll on my body and I needed rest, so I put on some relaxing music and just laid in bed for the rest of the trip. I noticed there was a lot of tensions and pain knots around my body so I decided to practice vipassana and just stay equanomous with all the sensations. The music and the divine love experience seemed to have a healing effect on those spots and my body felt so much lighter and purified after about two hours of this meditation. 

When I woke up the next morning, my body felt great, and the usual tension I have in the chest upon waking every morning seemed to have subsided. I have also tested if I still know those new kung-fu moves I practiced and seemed to remember most of it, which really blows my mind, how much can one really learn and take back into after trip, if you really prepare yourself and focus on learning some task during the trip? I had zero previous knowledge about fighting and here I was doing these moves that I just took from the inifinite knowledge of Kundalini.

There are so many questions now....and I'm excited to learn as much as I can about this new reality of infinite wisdom and love The more we share and learn from each other the better we can come to understand this experience and the most effecient way to get there. My life will never be the same again, I see the world differently, my motivation for life and to live the most loving compassionate life and celebrate it is at the highest it's ever been. Life should be celebrated, not fought over! We should dance, make art, share the joy, love and happiness, live in union with the nature and animals. We have strayed off the right path so much....the powers of evil seemed to have won over and led the humanity astray. This is not a natural world we live in, it's time to help ourselves and the people around us wake up to this wonderful, loving reality. 

What's the way to get there? So far from my experience, not just anybody get there, the path there requires one to overcome their deepest fears and even surrender to death, how many people in this materialistic society are willing to go through that? If only people knew, OH MY GOD, if only people knew what life is really like.....

 

[Leo Gura]

@Vladimir Great work!

But there's more. Much more...

Keep trippin', keep contemplatin'

Why is there something rather than nothing?

[MrDmitriiV]

@Vladimir Thanks for sharing!