Is There Any Chance She Might Come Back?

[richdeniro]

Basically back at the beginning of January I met a slightly older woman and we kind of hit it off, I'm 38 by the way. Well to cut a long story short, I was seeing her quite intensely... I don't really know how to describe the relationship as we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend but it was a lot more than friends with benefits. She's 45, three kids and just divorced although she's still living with her ex-husband - they been separated for 18 months now, have separate rooms and the house is up for sale although taking forever to sell but they are also trying to make it easy on their kids. 

Anyway so the story is that from January to May we were seeing each other pretty intensely, almost every night and we even went away for Valentines Day and her birthday. When we weren't together it was whatsapp 24/7. Everything was going good but at the end of April she started saying things like she felt she was holding me back from meeting someone my own age and possibly having a family of my own, I told her to stop overthinking but she was adamant that we should take a break. So we went for three weeks in May without any contact, I got back in touch with her and we chatted a bit and she dropped the bombshell that she had started seeing someone. It hit me quite hard and I went a week feeling like rubbish in all honesty and eventually messaged her a long winded message saying I wanted her to be happy and couldn't do the friend thing. I then blocked her and deleted her from FB. Kept her blocked for about a week before messaging her just before I went on holiday for a few days saying I had fallen for her, wanted to be with her, didn't care about the complications, baggage, etc, etch. It was all true. 

We then arranged to meet up when I got back and went for a meal and to the cinema at the beginning of June, I fully expected us to just be friends and she was going to let me down gently after having sent that message but in the cinema she held my hand and then afterwards we went back to mine. I thought we were back together. I asked her about the guy she had been seeing and she said it was over and nothing, was just a couple of dates. A couple of days later she was working in another part of town and her company put her up so I went to stay over at the hotel she had been put up in and we went out in the evening, the entire night she seemed really distracted and was on whatsapp a lot, almost every opportunity she had like when I went to the bar or the toilet. I called her up on it and she said it was nothing. We saw each other a few other times in June but it was constantly on my mind. 

I had also noticed that she wasn't messaging me anywhere as near as much as when we first got together and it sounds a bit stalkery but everytime I went on Whatsapp I could see she was online, I'd message her and even though she was online it would take sometimes an hour to respond and it felt like someone was more her priority. Throughout most of June it just felt like I was making all the effort to message her and it was a chore to her. She also kept going out with her friends on a Friday or Saturday night rather than see me. Then I noticed one time when she came over to mine and we were on the sofa watching tv but she then went on whatsapp, a few times she leaned forward so I wouldn't be able to see who she was messaging. I caught a glimpse of her whatsapp and there was 4 numbers there where she hadn't saved them as a contact so instead of a name you just see +4479 and then the rest of the number. I'm assuming now these were guys who had given her their numbers on nights out or something along those lines. 

This was massively bugging me so a few days after that I sent her a long message asking what was going on and if she was in an emotional relationship with someone else and she wrote back saying that she wasn't seeing anyone but in a roundabout way was keeping her options open - she's always maintained that long term she needs someone her own age and who also has kids. I didn't really know what to think and she said can we just keep things casual. I didn't really want to but kind of agreed but she kept coming up with excuses whereby she couldn't see me. 

We met up for a drink just over a month ago and spoke a bit about it and she asked if it were possible for us just to be friends. I told her I don't think I can and said I obviously want more, told her to sleep on it and the next night she sent me a message saying: "Rich sorry but gonna take a break I'm sorry don't worry I won't block you as we can still stay in touch x things are different in not feeling it anymore x sorry x". I asked if there was someone else and she replied with "Of course I meet people when I go out I suppose i won't know what I'm looking for until it hits me". The final message she sent read "I suppose I just need to fancy someone more please don't feel bad I know you have tried harder lately buts it's not enough sorry". 

And that's it really, I didn't reply to that and haven't contacted her since - 45 days no contact today actually. She messaged me the night after ending it with 'You ok?' and I didn't reply and a couple of weeks ago tried to reach out if you can call it that by challenging me to a game of Words with Friends on Facebook, again I ignored and deleted her as a Facebook friend a few days after that. Going through a second break up with her in the space of a couple of months and it sucks a bit I suppose. the next couple of weeks are going to be tough as we had planned to go away on holiday but now I'm wondering what she's doing and who she is with as her ex-husband is away for two weeks with the kids. 

I guess it's probably finally over and just wanted to write it all down to get it off my chest and maybe get some advice. My head is all over the place really. Do you think she'll get back in touch with me at some point again? I don't know what I'll do if she does. I want to improve myself but can't stop thinking about her and would take any advice to get over her.

Thank you in advance.

[Truth]

Interesting read. 

Other than the whole gender role reversal thing, overall I think for her she knows that ultimately you're not the right guy for her and she's not sure how to deal with you. Because on one hand --> It feels good to be with you and around you/ to have you around (even sleep with you etc.), but on the other hand  --> she knows you're ultimately not the right guy and she has to keep repressing that because well.. not to sound rude but because, well, she's selfish (if she wasn't she would let you go and wouldn't keep leading you on as she has by texting you, holding your hand etc.)

Why can't you move on and find someone else? I'm not saying it will be easy but why try to be with someone who doesn't ultimately want to be with you? I don't think she tells you/admits to you that you're not the right guy for her because then she's closing off that door that she's left open for a while now. you're like a rebound or a safety net to fall back on when or if she decides to give up on finding that right guy for her.

I'm sorry if this sounds negative or hard to hear but it's just what I see.

 

 

[richdeniro]

Thank you for your reply and I know you are right and I have to let go, I have not contacted and have no intention to. I feel I am doing better than I was in the weeks after she ended it although still think about her a lot. 

I do think in that final month before she ended things she did mess me around and probably saw me as a backup in a sense which is why she kept me going for so long even though she obviously wasn't feeling it and was texting other men. She was probably doing that until she felt she had reached the stage that she wanted to be physical with someone else I guess. 

I guess it was the first 4 months that were amazing, I have never been showered with that much love, attention and affection before. I honest thought she truly loved me. 

Even the final month when she was texting other guys she said she had never met anyone who cared for her as much as I did and she didn't think it was possible to have a boyfriend who was also her best friend. I guess those could all just be words though from being in a mid-life crisis, the rebound or she perhaps is fairly far along the narcissist spectrum. 

I feel stupid that I sent her so many insecure messages about her being on whatsapp a lot and taking so long to reply to me. In a way I wonder if my neediness contributed to her losing what she once felt for me? 

Do you think her last message about needing to be with someone she fancies more means she wants to be with someone who she just fancies physically. There was this one guy I was certain something was going on with on whatsapp, he was the main reason I kept calling her up on it and was the name I saw with a few kisses. I looked at his facebook & twitter (couldn't help it when I saw his name) and he was basically the exact opposite of me.... looks like a tattooed football hooligan, alpha male and a complete bigot with the stuff he posts. 

I know I'm overthinking stuff and I shouldn't but just trying to make sense of her final messages to me. Did she just lose attraction to me within a couple of weeks or was it a way of trying to let me go.

[Truth]

I think it's important to have a lot of options so I'm not saying she's some narcissist, she's just looking for the best option for her just as you should be for yourself, I'm just saying (and this is my personal point of view) that women shouldn't be the leader in the relationship, which is what it looks you two had and what she was. I don't think women ultimately want to be the man in the relationship, I bring this up because of the way you talk about the relationship, I get a highly feminine vibe, and I'm not saying there's anything particularly wrong with that, in fact I think a relationship can't really work if you have two feminine energies or two masculine energies working at the same time, but what I am saying is that this girl (especially since you brought up the alpha guy) sounds like a feminine women who wants a guy to make her FEEL like that. I see she's definitely leading, supplying the logistical issues, trying to lead the interaction and failing because that's not her gender role, that's your gender role (but since you're not playing the male gender role she is forced to.) and this is not attractive, especially in the long term.

There can be many reasons to why she’s doing what she’s doing, but the biggest issue from what I’m reading from you is what I’m talking about here. Do you consider yourself a more masculine guy? Or a more feminine guy? Have you even made any of these distinctions and how they play a factor in your relationship? What would you consider her? 

 

Also I'll add --> if you start looking into understanding gender roles don't be sucked into the social conditioning aspects of it, that is NOT what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is more psychological in nature and not in terms of how you dress, or groom yourself or the stereotypical alpha guy or feminine woman. (although they can help with creating the distinctions in your own mind about how you're playing the male gender role and how she's playing the female gender role on the energetic and psychological levels)

Edited August 25, 2018 by Truth