No Sex since mid-May. Wait and suffer, leave, cheat?

[outlandish]

You have a five year old, and it sounds like you want to make it work. I imagine your wife feels the same. Here's what I think you need to do:

Rule out the psych meds thing mentioned above.

Completely stop pressuring her into any kind of intimacy. You've laid your cards on the table, she knows. She needs to make the moves, and you'll be there for her when she does.

Gently and slowly open the possibility that you will have sex with another woman. Very gradually open yourself to that possibility, and let that happen in front of her, not hiding or shameful. Get more comfortable talking to attractive women while she is there, and when she is not there. Let her observe that women find you attractive. Let this become a trend in your life, escalate it over the course of months. Don't ever be a creep about it, work your game and let your wife know in real world situations that the door is opening.

I'm not telling you to cheat, or leave.

She'll probably find out she wants to have sex with you again.

 

[eleveneleven]

15 hours ago, aurum said:

The reason why it doesn't work is because you haven't solved the real problem. The real problem is that, DESPITE WHAT SHE SAYS, she is not attracted to you. Not anymore at least.

Yep, this is also a possibility, especially when there's no discernible biological source for the problem (no antidepressants, no menopause, no unusual levels of stress). Sometimes a person themselves may not even realize what the problem is and may be in denial about the fact that they simply don't find their spouse attractive anymore for whatever reason.

The good thing is that over the course of a long-term relationship, attraction will tend to wax and wane; that's not abnormal or anything. If you're conscious about it, you can cultivate that attraction again by focusing on improving yourself and whatnot. Pleading with her for sex will probably just make the problem worse, though.

I agree with some of the others that it may require working on your "swagger," as it were, but of course if you're only doing that for her, then it probably won't work either, because you'll be doing it out of neediness or to get something from her, which a woman can smell from a mile away.

[Ananta]

All of you saying he should just leave her alone is the worst advice possible...lol.  He will never get any, ever again and she will be thrilled to be left alone. 

I do sorta agree (as long as there's no medical reason) about letting her know you are contimplating sex outside the marriage, for her convenience, of course. If you can't come to some sort of arrangement.

She would probably at least give it up, even if she's not "in the mood". Like I did with the dreaded "schedule". However, if u say you will look for sex outside the marriage, you have to mean it and be willing to face whatever she may throw at you- tears, anger, objects! It may not, most likely wont, be pretty. But tell her, if left in a sex-less marriage, she's left you with no choice and you don't want to lie and cheat behind her back.

 

Edited August 24, 2018 by Anna1

[Lynnel]

2 hours ago, Anna1 said:

 she's left you with no choice and you don't want to lie and cheat behind her back.

 

I mean it's kinda absurd since you're cheating in front of her technically. I can't see how this is better. You're less manipulative I guess ?

@outlandish Also it's still very manipulative to say : okay you don't wanna have sex with me, well okay I'll go sleep with someone else ? Like that's NOT gonna pressure her at all !

There are way deeper issues at play, such as a lack of attraction and a amazing amount of disrespect since the issue is not getting solved and her not caring about the relationship. I mean also the poor guy is suffering and you're telling him to try to fuck someone on the side to fix his issues ? C'mon guys.

[Ananta]

@Lynnel

There are people who have open marriages. It may sound absurd to you, but it happens, for various reasons.

Of course, they can try the obvious, which is counseling, but that will not increase her sex drive, if that's the problem, which she says it is. She could follow up medically, which she didn't do, but he can't force her.

Btw, its the OP who brought up cheating, the other posters, including myself, are commenting on that option and it IS an option. Even if you don't like it.

 

Edited August 25, 2018 by Anna1

[outlandish]

On 8/24/2018 at 1:03 PM, Anna1 said:

All of you saying he should just leave her alone is the worst advice possible...lol.  He will never get any, ever again and she will be thrilled to be left alone. 

You may be right. I'm sure not a relationship counsellor or sex therapist, or any kind of expert!

I can just say what ended up working for me. When I went through a dry spell with my wife, I realized I needed to back off. Constantly trying to get her to have sex with me, being rejected, and so forth, ended up being a negative feedback cycle for both of us. So I just completely stopped coming on to her like that. It was like a weight of pressure was released in our relationship. Right away we were both happier.

At the same time a switch happened where I realized the possibility that I might have to find a sex life outside of our marriage, because it sure wasn't happening within our marriage. So I started interacting with women in a different way. It's very subtle, and it's something that comes from inside, but the door became just a little bit ajar. Not in any kind of secret way, plain and in the open. It's not something we even talked about because it never got to the point where it needed to be, but it was something we could have. So what I mean by being in the open wasn't so much that I up front explained to her "this is happening blah blah blah", but that my behaviour was consistent whether or not she was there, I was just more open with talking to and very slightly flirting with attractive women. I guess I decided that if my sex life was going to have to happen outside our marriage, I wanted it to be open. Because I love my wife and wouldn't want to hurt her behind her back.

It didn't take very long before things started to change. She started coming to me, on her own free will, when she wanted me, and not some kind of forced schedule, or dutiful shag. Very honest, hot, passionate, intimate sex. I just left it like that for a few months, left it completely up to her to decide when we were going to have sex. If she didn't want to no problem. I feel this created the space in our relationship where she was able to reconnect with her own sexuality and be intimate with me on her own terms. Now we're back to a more balanced state where sometimes I come to her, sometimes she comes to me. Well honestly, it's probably mostly me coming to her again, but it's in a better way now.

Sex drive isn't a politically correct. No amount of haranguing, negotiation, counselling, rationalizing, will turn your partner on. That's what I've learned anyways. YMMV.

 

 

 

 

 

[Ananta]

@outlandish Yeah, I was just saying what was my experience also, so no biggie.

Sounds like your wife was in a rut, where as I had no sex drive at all...long term. My husband tried leaving me alone, it didn't work for him. 

Anyways, I'm just glad my problem got fixed by stopping antidepressants  and my poor husband doesn't need a schedule any longer.

 

[outlandish]

Good job figuring out the antidepressants thing. It really demonstrates how a person should look at that medical stuff first in these situations. 

[Ananta]

9 hours ago, outlandish said:

Good job figuring out the antidepressants thing. It really demonstrates how a person should look at that medical stuff first in these situations. 

It took much too long to figure it out actually. Many, many years and was found out incidentally. So, I now am trying to spread the word, when appropriate, to help others.