Help me, I feel stuck

[Torkys]

1 month ago, I went on a solo retreat where I had multiple deep glimpses of this insight: "The only true way out Resistance is going into it because any way out of it is staying in it". In other words, most of our desires are there because we desperately want to avoid the opposite and fulfilling these desires won't solve anything. This also led to the natural conclusion that purification is unconditional Presence.

This insight caused a huge backlash for me. Going back to my normal life, I started playing video games again, watching lower quality content, and generally avoiding inner work (I still have the interest but it doesn't manifest that much). Every time I try to get out this I recognize that with the attempt to get out of this, I am avoiding the pain of this way of life and the only way to truly break the Resistance towards this state is to stay in it / give it unconditional Presence. And with this attitude, I go back to my old ways forgetting and not staying conscious of the reasoning that brought me back here.

Even though I start to figure out what is going on and which beliefs bind me here ("If you put conditions on Presence, you are automatically messing it up and doing it wrong"), I would like to hear your thoughts and suggestions.

[WindInTheLeaf]

This, i think, is were the self-development part of self-actualization comes in. You have had a glimpse, that makes you surrender, but your foundation for that surrender is perhaps not optimal. You fall into those habits that are there when you stop struggling against them, as you haven't worked through them and transformed them into better, more authentic ones. Those realizations we might get on psychedelics or other forms of inner work has to be embodied afterwards little by little. You are this, and now you know, so now you can start changing this into a loop of love.

[dorg]

@Torkys Exactly who/what is going in and out? (Presence does not go in or out. It does not move).

Isn't it only 'what you think you are' that does this?

Edited August 20, 2018 by dorg

[tsuki]

10 hours ago, Torkys said:

The only true way out Resistance is going into it because any way out of it is staying in it

@Torkys So, you've realized that desire is the other face of resistance.
Have you realized that 'inner work' is just a fancy name for 'resisting resistance'?
Or that it is the same as 'desiring to not desire'?

Ego backlash is just a fancy spiritual term for change.
Once you are on top, the only way is down.

[Arkandeus]

lets slooooow down

yes I think you've realized enlightenment is not about being a monk in a monastery

 

the stop resisting mindset is a nice one but for me personally it doesnt bring me joy

 

I like to desire and I like to resist as well when I know it brings me feelings of joy and expansion

I will never abandon desire unless I desire it

as such you can see that the root of our beingness is in fulfillment 

Edited August 20, 2018 by Arkandeus

[Torkys]

@WindInTheLeaf How can I change my habits though? Again, any attempt to get out of it is staying in it.

11 hours ago, dorg said:

Isn't it only 'what you think you are' that does this?

Thanks for reminding me! All behavior is a manifestation of the Tao / God's Will.

@tsuki

[Torkys]

@tsuki What are you exactly trying to say with this? Is all of spirituality completely backwards?

Inner work is just a single step away from distraction into the direction of Being. True inner work is Unconditional Presence.

@Arkandeus This is the exact same approach I take - Wu Wei / Action from Being, action from a place of no denial and repression. However, following your Joy has its limits and though I think that this is the most direct approach to take when it comes to evolving in the earlier stages of spirituality, it has its limits and I am becoming conscious of these.

I forgot to link 2 videos which hit really close to this issue:

 

[tsuki]

3 minutes ago, Torkys said:

@tsuki What are you exactly trying to say with this? Is all of spirituality completely backwards?

Inner work is just a single step away from distraction into the direction of Being. True inner work is Unconditional Presence.

@Torkys The only spirituality we experience is our personal understanding of it. I know nothing about 'all of spirituality'.

What I was saying is that trying to stop desire=suffering is pointless.
Upon reflecting on my response, I think it would be much better if I remained silent, as I am going directly against the flow of this forum.
Why would I even come here to write such nonsense? This place is founded on this assumption.

Sorry for bothering you.

[Torkys]

@tsuki No worries

I wasn't bothered by your response and we all make our mistakes. Embrace it, my friend.

Also, congrats on your 1000th post

 

[WindInTheLeaf]

2 hours ago, Torkys said:

@WindInTheLeaf How can I change my habits though? Again, any attempt to get out of it is staying in it.

Thanks for reminding me! All behavior is a manifestation of the Tao / God's Will.

@tsuki

Instead of fighting against the habits, desires, behavior, that you currently feel stuck in, let them be - they are there for a reason. Now as you let it flow, be conscious about the nature of those habits and follow the stream/loop without struggling against it nor losing yourself in it(without attachment). As you do so you will see the habit clearly, as the surface of the stream is not disturbed by thought. Then you can see any contradictions there might be lying beneath the surface, which keeps you stuck in a habit which you want to escape.

[Torkys]

@WindInTheLeaf ? 

[WaveInTheOcean]

The rational mind is a blessing in many ways, just as it is also a curse in many ways.

One of the ways in which it is a blessing is in the way it can be used to construct rules and routines for yourself that will help you.

Life is paradoxical in the sense that to get more freedom, you have to create some rules for your life. If you have no rules, you have no freedom.

Of course whether you have rules or not, it's important to be aware of the fact that all rules are human-mind-constructs. But they can still be useful - to get more freedom.

e.g. a rule of not taking MDMA more than once every three months. Useful rule, cos if you break it, you might be frying your brain, which will make you a zombie without any freedom:) One out out of many examples. Another one might be staying healthy by eating healthy and so on and so on. Or having a meditation schedule. Or a rule saying that you maximum may play 1 hour of video games a day. etc etc.

Jordan Peterson has some good rules in his book:D

12 rules for life:

Stand up straight with your shoulders back

Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping

Make friends with people who want the best for you

Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today

Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them

Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world

Pursue what is meaningful (not what is expedient)

Tell the truth – or, at least, don't lie

Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don't

Be precise in your speech

Do not bother children when they are skateboarding

Pet a cat when you encounter one on the street

Go follow some of the rules, my dear friend.

Edited September 3, 2018 by WaveInTheOcean

[WaveInTheOcean]

Also yeah. Be aware of your bad habits as Wind says. Observe them. There may be contradictions under the surface. If you feel playing PC games makes you happy, why stop? If you don't enjoy playing PC games, why are you doing it? To escape something? Meditate on it.