ayahuasca trip report - reborn

[phoenix666]

I’m trying to categorize and subdivide infinity into smaller pieces, in order to put it into tiny, defining boxes we call words. I see the impossibility there and it makes me smile. every word, every thought makes infinite possibilities collapse.

but I really want to try, as I feel that writing could help me with the integration process. I also want to share this experience with all of you, since I would have never, ever had this experience without this wonderful place full of inspiring souls <3 thank you

I feel like everything’s perfect and exactly the way it should be. this is such a relief. I’m still in awe by all of it. it’s still hard for me to communicate, linear logic I used to rely on so much seems to fail me.. but I don’t mind, it feels like I’ve madly fallen in love with life

 

I drank ayahuasca for the first time right after a 1 week long retreat in a Zen monastery. how perfect is that? 

the monastery was a beautiful experience. meditation, zen books and the most amazing garden I’ve ever seen. (I finally understood why Zen monasteries are actually Blue by the way, huge insight for me) soothing and healing nonetheless. 

 

I drank aya in a beautiful place in nature with to kind souls taking care of me (good thing, I was completely out of my mind. in a good way though)

I lied down with my eyes closed, focusing on my breath. the effects came in subtle waves. tingling, my meditation started to feel deeper than usual. it became easier and easier to ‚reach‘ that state were I completely let go and forget ‚myself‘ and merge with my surroundings. as I didn’t feel any difference between ‚me‘ and the girl lying next to me, I knew that aya had started to work in me.

and so I surrendered. 

the whole trip could only be described as a huge game of surrender - deeper and deeper and deeper into the rabbit-hole. and wow, I didn’t know….I couldn’t have ever imagined how deep this goes. the more I died, the more infinite ‚I‘ became. 

inside became outside, the deeper I went ‚in‘, the further I came ‚out‘. the more layers I stripped off me, the more I gave away, the richer I felt. rich in everything, everything.

I screamed out in pleasure. I didn’t know that was even possible. it just got better and better, infinite joy and bliss. I couldn’t believe it was so, so fucking amazing. it made me cry. every time I thought "oh fuck, this is it. it's so fucking perfect. it has to be it", it went even deeper. I couldn't believe the bliss

I saw life in a flow and resistance against it being the biggest problem. but I really started to get good at letting go, so I surrendered all the resistance again and again. each time merging with the overwhelming stream. the flow was everywhere, I infinite melody, the sound of life. it was in me, around me, flew through me. 

I surrendered a million times, consciously. I died and died and died and each time I felt more one with the universe. I couldn’t believe the bliss. unimaginable. it still brings me to tears. I am crying right now <3

at one point I felt the earth sucking me in. the soil ate me, tore me into infinite parts until there was nothing left of me. then it spat me out again. I felt the earth giving birth to me, again and again. it felt so..organic, dirty. it was both painful, disgusting and also the most natural and beautiful  process I’ve ever been through. that cycle went on for a while. each time I felt more and more connected to nature. like nature streaming through my veins

as the effects started to lessen.. I was too in awe. I couldn’t speak for a while. all I did was sitting on the ground, crying and shivering. I looked around like I’d never seen a forest in my life before. and I hadn’t. not like that. 

I literally felt like a newborn. I looked at the world, unable to conceptualize it. they spoke to me, I could only listen in awe. no words came out of me. everything was new. my whole body felt like it had just been reborn. every movement seemed so foreign. (my trip sitter told me later that my movements and whole coordination looked very weird. they said "literally like those of a newborn") 

I think this will change my life. I don’t know how yet, but I really hope I can integrate this into my daily experience. I want to embody everything I’ve felt. 

I still feel kind of different than before. there is something deep inside me, like peace and calmness. like I’ve stopped searching because somehow I know that it’s all in me. nothing „out there“ could ever fulfill me. it’s all inside.

I also realized that it will never end. awakening is not an endpoint like I’d imagined it to be. it’s a beginning, again and again. there is always deeper to go, more to surrender and more infinity to expand into. that’s the beauty. it brings me to tears

 

<3

[AleksM]

@phoenix666

Great report! Thanks.

 

[phoenix666]

thank you so much,@AleksM glad you liked it <3

[PsiloPutty]

I love this. I am SO happy that you did it and that you benefitted from it! Ayahuasca changed the direction of my life and my interpretation of it. 

How long do you think it'd take for the world to change for the better if everyone 18 and older did a healthy dose? A week? Whenever anyone says that there's no way out of the mess we've gotten ourselves into on this planet, it's because they don't know that this exists. 

This thread makes me smile.   

[Rinne]

?

??

[Nahm]

@phoenix666 Awesome! Very happy for ya! ❤️

[Leo Gura]

Sounds like some nice breakthrough-level trippin'

[phoenix666]

8 hours ago, PsiloPutty said:

Ayahuasca changed the direction of my life and my interpretation of it. 

it did? do you want to share how exactly? 

I love it <3

8 hours ago, PsiloPutty said:

How long do you think it'd take for the world to change for the better if everyone 18 and older did a healthy dose? A week? Whenever anyone says that there's no way out of the mess we've gotten ourselves into on this planet, it's because they don't know that this exists. 

I often think about this lately. specially after reading McKenna.. I also get this tingling sensation whenever I think about it. 

@Nahm thanks, as always <3

@Leo Gura oh, you have no idea.. or actually, you're probably one of those who really have  

[d0ornokey]

wow wasn't thinking about enlightenment too much but this really inspired me 

[phoenix666]

9 minutes ago, d0ornokey said:

wow wasn't thinking about enlightenment too much but this really inspired me 

oh, no matter how wonderful you imagine it to be, it's infinitely more blissful and overwhelming than you can ever fathom. glad my experience could inspire you <3 

this is what we're here for

[MrDmitriiV]

@phoenix666

[phoenix666]

13 hours ago, MrDmitriiV said:

that's actually exactly what I feel  

[Hsinav]

@phoenix666 Great report 

[phoenix666]

thank you, @Hsinav , so glad you enjoyed it <3

[yawning_]

beautiful distillation of such a sublime experience!  thank you for taking the time to compose and share this!

On 8/17/2018 at 11:51 AM, phoenix666 said:

I see the impossibility there and it makes me smile. every word, every thought makes infinite possibilities collapse.

reading the report definitely gave me one of those smiles

 

 

n̘͙̖̰̼̥̺̺̲̦͓̗̓̆ͮ̍̅ͩa̘͍̻̱͇͈͎̹̫͈͖̼̝̟̘̩̍ͣͩ̉͆͌͂̈́̅̾́̓͊m͙̗̤͓̦̺̽͑͑̈́ͧ̊̋̑̄ͩ̽ͥ́ͮ̽̆͊̓å̗̫͕͇̯̗̳̬̣͐̔́ͦ͌̚s̘̜͚̝̪͖̳̜͈̲͊̒̆̎̓ͪ̏͌̍̚ẗ͉͎͎͙̙́̔̐̿̇ͣ̽͌͂ͭͭ͋͂̌̽ͬ̚e̳̗̞̤̳͌̃ͬ̆͑͗ͪ͂̇̿͑ͨ̄̔ͥ̾ͦ

 

- yawning gap

[phoenix666]

On 20. August 2018 at 9:59 AM, yawning_ said:

beautiful distillation of such a sublime experience!  thank you for taking the time to compose and share this!

reading the report definitely gave me one of those smiles

 

 

n̘͙̖̰̼̥̺̺̲̦͓̗̓̆ͮ̍̅ͩa̘͍̻̱͇͈͎̹̫͈͖̼̝̟̘̩̍ͣͩ̉͆͌͂̈́̅̾́̓͊m͙̗̤͓̦̺̽͑͑̈́ͧ̊̋̑̄ͩ̽ͥ́ͮ̽̆͊̓å̗̫͕͇̯̗̳̬̣͐̔́ͦ͌̚s̘̜͚̝̪͖̳̜͈̲͊̒̆̎̓ͪ̏͌̍̚ẗ͉͎͎͙̙́̔̐̿̇ͣ̽͌͂ͭͭ͋͂̌̽ͬ̚e̳̗̞̤̳͌̃ͬ̆͑͗ͪ͂̇̿͑ͨ̄̔ͥ̾ͦ

 

- yawning gap

thank you, dear <3

so happy I could give you one of those  they feel special, I know..

[Lola Marsden]

Great report Phoenix. My first aya experience was kinda similar in some ways. It is very very difficult to describe it with words... Maybe better to show a picture: 

I was on an ayahuasca retreat in Brazil and it felt like I was whole...at peace and deeply connected to everyone around me and the other participants. It is like we had a connection. Can't really describe it but it was like I felt what they felt. I know it sound silly. I highly recommend taking Ayahuasca with other people around you. And the jungle added to the whole experience with the sound and nature around us.

[phoenix666]

@Lola Marsden thanks Lola, happy you liked it <3

yeah, words don't really match up, it's too big and deep.

I definitely know that feeling of being whole and connected. I'm glad you could feel that. it doesn't sound silly, it's wonderful to hear <3

[Forestluv]

@phoenix666 Beautiful. It brings me back to my first Aya ceremony in Peru. 

@Lola Marsden Beautiful image. It expresses an essence of an Aya ceremony.

[Igor82]

@phoenix666 Thank you for writing this, it gets me very, very inspired. 

I (try to) visualize infinite love every morning, and some love comes from that, and so I go on and think that infinite love is "like this and like that, along these lines..." but then I read your report and realize that if its so huge that words, not even imagination matters at all... then its a mystery that gets makes me deeply inspired!!

It's funny when I read such experiences my heart always wrenches and the ego revolts, I get very inspired when trying to resonate with the words, as it shatters my certainty and presents a huge (I intuit very, very, very important) mystery, which presents new expectations. I was actually afraid to revisit this post and read it as it just shatters the thoughts I cling to of what the results of the work will be. It shatters a little part of my ego every time, and it leaves a huge question mark to be pursued, a question mark I deeply desire to know as I have no clue of what I am! A big, fat question mark sparks me much more curiosity than a (certain) thought of what the truth might be like. I will still cling to thoughts but having the expectation that they're all way off the mark is very powerful and inspiring for me.

Thanks for helping me seek more ferociously, im very grateful for your attempt to articulate this.