Pseudo Depression?

[RendHeaven]

Recently I'm starting to become aware of this sense of what I'd call "pseudo depression" running my life. I consider myself to be absurdly attractive (arrogant, I know ) and I'm multi-talented across many fields. Some of it is natural talent that I was born with, but more importantly I take distinct action steps every day to ensure that I'm on a path of mastery in these fields. Though I'm an introvert at heart, I've trained myself to be an extrovert so I have no problem forming friendships. If you asked me if I was happy, I would immediately respond "of course!" I've never been depressed in my life, and I think I'm incredibly blessed to inhabit the body/experiences that I have. I say all this shit to emphasize that I SHOULD BE HAPPY.

I'm doing a lot of shit in my life and I've got realistic goals that I'm pursuing, but with each step I take I'm starting to feel more and more that these endeavors are hollow by nature. Whenever I'm out with my closest friends, I'm acutely aware of how pointless it is in the back of my mind... I'm still able to have fun and laugh, but at the end of the day when I'm back alone at home I feel like the whole experience was a bunch of sand falling through a sift, and the kicker is that I've begun to detect this feeling AS IT'S HAPPENING whereas previously I would only see it in retrospect. Whenever I'm practicing piano (one of my fields of mastery), I feel this nagging of "so what if I get better at performing?" in the back of my mind. Mind you, music resonates with me and I take the time to practice every day because I am genuinely motivated by my love for it. All that being said, I still feel a sort of unease, a slight discontent at the very fact that I am on this path. I'm starting to feel this unease in all areas of my life, from the college I attend (which I should be happy with!), to my family and relationships.

Obviously at the end of the day I COULD have more money, or more girls, or more THINGS, or even more experiences. Maybe even more friends. More, more, more. But some part of me intuitively FEELS like all that shit is just shallow and stupid, and by no means am I experiencing a lack in any of those areas. This is why I've started calling it "pseudo depression." I'm actually happy, or so I believe. But there's an underlying hollowness that won't seem to go away. Recently I've been meditating harder than I've ever done, almost out of desperation. Ah, perhaps solitude will reveal the answer!

But no, actually, being alone just leaves me more nihilistic if anything. I actually feel content with my meditations, but I haven't had any brilliant breakthroughs the way I'd hoped. I've tried talking about this with my close friends but we're all still very young and this flies straight over their heads, it's actually kind of funny. Just today I tried talking about myself one on one with various close friends, and each time I tried to bring up this phenomenon they just couldn't relate to it at all.

I'm posting here to see if anyone has gone through this/is going through this. I don't expect any "solutions," nor do I think there's really any advice I could get at this point (though you're welcome to share anyway!) I've seen Leo's video on the dark side of meditation where he said you might straight up get depressed. This just feels a little different though. I'm happy but unfulfilled, let's say. I'm meditating furiously, almost as if to "reconcile" the void, but it really is like trying to destroy a rock by rubbing it with a feather. Please share your experiences guys.

 

[Leo Gura]

It couldn't be any other way. No true happiness is possible without awakening, so you will never attain it so long as the ego is alive.

This is not a mistake. This is by design.

What you intuit is that you need awakening. Your intuition is correct but you don't yet realize just how correct it is.

You've been playing a losing game your whole life and now you're starting to suspect its a rigged game.

To expect happiness without awakening is madness.

[Torkys]

Welcome to the "Invited to Spirituality 2.0 Club", my friend:

❤️

Edited August 16, 2018 by Torkys

[WelcometoReality]

@RendHeaven It's good to see this early. 

"I SHOULD be happy." That's a big sign that thought is trying to look for reasons for being happy. Happiness is not about logic reasoning however.

Maybe you should sit down and start to FEEL what really is true for you because you won't find real happiness until you do.