random jungle noise

[now is forever]

today i won‘t post - but i did.

[now is forever]

and i‘m cheating again:

today i was pushed towards the difference between illusion and dream. i guess i‘m loosing both - well the illusion was not there in the first place. i always thought the illusion could turn out to be a dream but it didn’t and it will not i guess.

i turned a dream into an illusion and the illusion turned itself into a dream. but it’s me all by myself dreaming and having illusions. if both are unreachable what is left? disillusion and a heart that is very lonely and was from the start. it once knew that and didn’t mind because it was somehow centered in itself, now it is not anymore it is a searching one it searches for that security again.

but there is no security because security was an illusion and a dream.

is this giving up hope?

there is no one to answer that anymore. i have lost my center. but that’s not enlightenment that’s loneliness.

maybe enlightenment about loneliness... but what does that matter?

 

is this why i‘m holding on to this thread, like it was everything that still is?

Edited September 22, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

does an unsolvable problem solve itself? 

[tsuki]

On 21.09.2018 at 4:33 PM, now is forever said:

you see @tsuki i guess i‘m not a postmodernist i‘m a trans modernist or something like that.

What do you mean?

19 hours ago, now is forever said:

truthfully speaking, like @Zweistein i don’t know why i’m still hanging around here, still posting stuff here. mostly in my journal, what i could also have in a book.

Book is static. Forum is dynamic.
I guess that I think that by reacting to other people's thoughts I keep it more alive and vibrant.
That is, of course, an unjustified assumption. I guess that I could try to write my thoughts in a book.

[now is forever]

1 hour ago, tsuki said:

 

On 21.9.2018 at 4:33 PM, now is forever said:

you see @tsuki i guess i‘m not a postmodernist i‘m a trans modernist or something like that.

What do you mean?

 

i transfer old insights to a future that has yet to transcend itself, without clinging to a theory. well i did have a dream about it, but now i‘m not so sure anymore. 

today i lost my life all of my dreams and the future i was thinking i would have. 

maybe i‘ve lost it already some years ago but i couldn’t let go.

im still in shock paralysis. i‘ve broken my own heart, by trying to fix others hearts. 14years of relationship, done and i don’t shed a tear - how sad is that!

i guess i‘m a dreamer of a dream who disappeared from her own dream.

Edited September 22, 2018 by now is forever

[tsuki]

41 minutes ago, now is forever said:

im still in shock paralysis. i‘ve broken my own heart, by trying to fix others hearts.
14years of relationship, done and i don’t shed a tear - how sad is that!

It's not sad. Would you rather have a broken heart?
Or is your heart broken because it's not broken?

45 minutes ago, now is forever said:

today i lost my life all of my dreams and the future i was thinking i would have. 
maybe i‘ve lost it already some years ago but i couldn’t let go.

"Now" is the only future and the only past. Now is forever.
Sometimes, we have to clean the closet of clothes that we've outgrown. Even if it hurts.
You have my best wishes ❤.

[now is forever]

no @tsuki it is a yearning heart that’s the problem, it‘s so stuck in romanticism that it can’t be a realist. it broke for that reason and then it broke another’s heart.

thank you though for the kind words!

Edited September 22, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

it seams like the past is always pointing to the now. while the now is not always pointing to the future. sometimes the now needs to transcend itself to not walk into a dead end.

well life is a maze, i guess.

Edited September 22, 2018 by now is forever
and i did cry a bit while talking on the phone with one of my best friends

[now is forever]

a whole new game is starting now. i have relied on my partner to figure out the outside world things more and more while i was figuring out the home stuff - making it comfortable and nice. no problem with that, theoretically. but practically it didn’t work out. because of the perspective - he couldn’t see my work anymore, because work equals money and i couldn’t see his anymore because work equals heartbeat. 

in many ways he turned towards my direction after a while and i followed his direction in many ways. what i was missing out on was really supporting each other and building a dream together - the together is missing, we just don’t share real understanding. and i also missed real support in the life projects we were going to handle.

it‘s not really our problem that we can’t handle, it’s a world problem. he built a golden kage for me, even though an open one, but without asking what kind of nest i want to have.

guess he can’t live in a nest anymore and i can’t live in a cage.

Edited September 23, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

the kind of song i tried to sing:

 

[now is forever]

for my life purpose i don’t know yet, watched the sage video some days ago and realized i identified more with a muse for the world therefore i can never become a sage.

so my lifepurpose is to be a healer and a muse - in what way i‘ll act that out i don’t know yet, until now i was a thought acupuncturist. so that is once again open for possibilities but some are more possible then others again.

and i guess i‘m here for the reason of learning, not to become a sage - but to remember myself of my inner muse.

an answer to this:

   On 22.9.2018 at 0:04 AM,  now is forever said: 

truthfully speaking, like @Zweistein i don’t know why i’m still hanging around here, still posting stuff here. mostly in my journal, what i could also have in a book.

tsuki said:

Book is static. Forum is dynamic.
I guess that I think that by reacting to other people's thoughts I keep it more alive and vibrant.
That is, of course, an unjustified assumption. I guess that I could try to write my thoughts in a book

Edited September 23, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

for my relationship i also understand what kind of controller i‘ve been. sometimes a needle can hit a nerve. when it’s poisoned it’s very mean - the poison comes from swallowing sweet heart poison. it’s also an infinity loop that nourishes itself. both kind of poisons come from the heart and creep to the heart.

but mine made my body ill and his made him colder.

for reference:

 

Edited September 23, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

guess i‘m starting being a muse again by honoring others as a muse. thank you at  @Action  ? for his building habits journal. 

want to use his method of building habits to do the „garuda“ kumbaka meditation i learned in india.

counting to 4 while breathing in stopping the breath counting to 6 breathing out stopping the breath.

i‘ll do that with 3 different mudras at three different positions on the knees, in the middle of the thighs and at the hip joints. ??‍♀️ 

starting tomorrow right after waking up. try to set the timer to one hour (blue hour) before sunrise.

Edited September 23, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

now i only have to do that:

the prove is the prove isn’t it?

[now is forever]

day one establishing daily rituals:

failed to link the cue to the reaction. maybe because it was too dark outside. got depressed the moment i opened my eyes. and quickly closed them again. it’s earlier then usual. maybe it’s better to start with sunrise tomorrow.

but i did the pranayama/meditation. that’s what matters

Edited September 24, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

day two:

failed again - but this time i‘m getting more aware of how the cellphone addiction/fixation is conditioned. (i know that it is for a long time, but how exactly it works...) i use it as a bell in the morning and sometimes the first thing i do is grabbing it and look for where i started the day before. depends on where i‘ve ended the loop of infinite input and now output. input/output 

i know when this codependency started, i know exactly why and where is the problem - but i have to find a solution to stop it - it has become the infinite procrastination loop.

meditating now.

Edited September 25, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

i noticed that the addiction to information in my case was the start for my online addiction - but i also fed my other addictions for example my tv addiction with it. and i also used it to sift endless information for random ideas to create new ideas - sometimes only for a color, or for material. so everytime the stress level went to high i used to shoot me somewhere else.

today i realized that was also because what i was searching for was not available in my direct sourrounding. i was not able to find a cure for my autoimmune illness and i was not able to just find the right products for me because there is tooo much trash everywhere - it’s like if you are going to the supermarket and the shelves are full of junk - then where to find the healthy stuff?

✨online✨

but that world is also full of trash. and even the healthy stuff can turn out an addiction.

i noticed also that if i am at a place where all of these needs are available in my direct sourrounding  i don’t feed the addiction that much anymore. so that’s where i am now a city where people built spaces and sell more sustainable products and knowledge and inspire each other so what do i need it anymore. i have to detach decondition myself.

i know this city is a bubble - but i can only tell other's it’s not yet the perfect bubble and we have to make sure to keep on working on these bubbles and build small bubbles everywhere so we can live healthy again. the darker your bubble the brighter must be the dream!

but it must be an achievable one - set your aims high. and work towards it every day.

i have a good laundrette now - guess it’s enough to just go there once in a while to get my brain washed.

i guess brainloundry is much more fun than moneyloundry. 

Edited September 25, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

[now is forever]

watching videos after experiencing the topic in the forum is very interesting. love does not always mean sweet talk it also means seeing the need. even though „gross“ for some people... if a girl talks like a guy. hehe

sometimes it’s better to let the others do their laundry first.

[now is forever]

totally forgot:

day three:

worked very well today - did my breathing right after waking up. and got some ? moon watching on top, as it was still there really huge right outside the window.

Edited September 26, 2018 by now is forever