random jungle noise

[now is forever]

first time since ages my mind threw out a oneliner this morning:

“the discrepancy between mind and mind content“ 

don‘t know what it wants me to do with that yet. or if it wanted to tell me something like: now you can experience that or if it just reminded me of that - but it was a very loud thought as if it had prepared it for the moment waking up. maybe it’s hungry.

Edited December 12, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

also today i realized one of the biggest ego backlashes i get is external produced social competitive pressure and how it produces the same internally, as an inversion. instead of making me strive i tend to bring myself psychologically down as i see the struggling of the other as introduced by my existence and my breathing. as competition has something to do with winning or loosing i tend to prefer loosing, it’s still better than all that introduced suffering, loosing is running away - but NoThing is worth striving for - maybe i can remember that as a life rule.

even sticking my head out like a mushroom, even though it might be cut off in the process.

even risking to exchange dream for reality i can always start melting them together again.

sometimes the only progress is a small regress.

?

Edited December 12, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

there is another ego backlash, just feeling fine again and in the process of taming small oxes everywhere again. there it is, someone who tells me how incompetent i am screaming at me. because i am not the same efficient in one of the things i am doing in my spare time as they (delegating group ego) are in their work. and there it is the bad feeling of being nothing again completely forgetting i am not a thing treated as if there where no emotions. why does it hurt? i mean it’s a concrete situation. not that it’s just happening in my mind alone the person really downgraded my selfesteem while in the same room by telling me very incompetently i was incompetent while i‘m just full with things to handle and maybe am still a little inefficient while i try to be effective instead. it’s not that i‘m getting payed or something and there was no set timeframe. i mean a situation like this could be handled differently.

craving for cigharettes or external love/attention but not regressing. i just started to mount up i won’t get back down again.

(well a little bit, i smoked mullein flower tee as my favorite medicine-witch pluto recommended for regress situations - afterwards starting with the l-theanin again)

Edited December 12, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

sometimes i ask myself if i have this - maybe a little bit 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsive_talking

maybe a little bit talkohol with lemon juice, even though the juice goes into the face? ? 

someone?

maybe i‘ll go to the anonym talkoholics. i wonder about the volume level in the room - maybe i would be the only one listening in great awe and bliss.

meditating there maybe also a challenge, stage turquoise for spiral meditators.

talkoholism really is my greatest addiction at the moment - no regresses as i never really tried stopping for longer than a day.. 

Edited December 12, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

mhhh but i‘m not really a talkoholik - as i really already met talkoholics. and also the cure for talkoholics would be not talking with them - but that’s not what makes me stop... it actually gets worse then, as i use to talk to destroy barriers - talking for me is the attempt to lower the preconception hurdle for communication. well sometimes it doesn’t work, interesting to realize those people use to have built preconception walls until the sky. in these cases my talking is usually closing one door after the other.

and i use to make a clown of myself then. it’s no joke though - the making myself a clown is the realization of being a onesided positive humanlover. and there is where the lemonjuice comes into play - people over and over use to think i‘m a fool, and i guess they are right.

the tarot card fits really good.

Edited December 13, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

today i guess i got a glimps into the absolute.

[now is forever]

i also realized how difficult it is for me to separate myself from any mess created. and i always think i‘m part of the mess. but just had this little insight - that’s wrong it’s not only me who is part of the mess. it’s also the mess that is part of me. and how i integrate mess until the point even chaos gets chaotic and how it’s not distinctive anymore who creates whose mess, because it’s never just from one direction. so while i am part of the mess maybe it would be ok to not let the mess be part of me (i mean i try to understand the dynamics of the mess)

it doesn’t mean i love people less then, it means i grasp controll in a situation that is out of controll. that builds some barriers though - it is a not giving in to the moment completely while still trying to handle the situation - somehow the mind gets more and more rational in these situations - i need to focus not forgetting the heart. as the mind wants all the controll, wants to shut off the emotions.

it‘s kind of critical here to set the emotions right. i guess i need to distinct mess from mess  a little more.

like mari kondo does with things... 

to sort out mess it’s very good to devide mess in general subcategories:

• physical mess, mess of things
• mess of false belief (including onesided belief into science)
• mess of dreams
• mess of love and sexuality, (i think here it is critical to understand that i am the creator of the mess but am not it, if i want to transcend into love) the music link is about understanding that
• mess of addictions (while i think they are just the experiencable phenomena of all the other, or all the other are healthy or unhealthy subcategories of addictions - then addictions would be habits)
• mess of habits, too many or not enough or the wrong ones
• mess of rituals, too many or not enough or the wrong ones

progress and coming clean is somehow always connected to discarding and reestablishing - so shutting some channels of perception might be crucial to a discarding and reestablishing phase. the same as opening all channels to conciousness is crucial to phases of integration and reconnecting.

thinking about the dot metaphor i‘ll try to shrink to a very small dot when i am receiving and try to be a really huge/big open circle like dot when i‘m giving.

i also need to remember to think about all the different time/experiences again, there are so many, as time is this liquid love flow we call life or this liquid life flow we call love.

Edited December 16, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

in sense of criticism in general and especially with work - it is kind of interesting how there is critique of critique of critique until the point where the meaning of critique is like one fish eating up the other and the last one is just eaten by the biggest shark in the pool. 

so i try to understand critique in sense of primary and secondary critique. especially in sense of everyday life it’s such a no go to play this critique ping pong. it‘s difficult to not feel criticized at all but it’s also difficult to not tell others about errors and bite the lips if we feel attacked/tackled.

of course it’s so much nicer if the problem solving flows like oscillating waves, but unfortunately that works only with openminded people. and i still need to figure out how decisionmaking works without criticism or at least some kind of evaluation - even though i don’t want to controll but as long as i give in to the luxury to afford profession accompanying taste it’s sometimes difficult to not comment or try to controll especially if i always need to convince people first until the las drop of blood, maybe i just have to get smarter in that or try poker.

maybe tarot poker=lemon juice?

i wonder if i would need to exchange the fruit

Edited December 16, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

how about a strawberry facial?

sometimes i ask myself who‘s apple was first, actually i constantly ask this question.

and it’s kind of interesting but it doesn’t change the different content of apples.

can i tell someone that i like their apple? for example stirred apple or baked hot apple or grandmothers apple it’s all apple even strawberry facials are apples.

wonder what card the strawberry would be... maybe it’s still a fools card.

Edited December 16, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

you won’t believe it there is even a tarot deck with a strawberry card:

and what does it want to say? maybe: if life gives you strawberries, don’t make lemon juice.

Edited December 16, 2018 by now is forever
i think there has been a snail feeding on it, wonder what kind of force that might be

[now is forever]

somehow i feel better as the new video is out and it’s not so much about spirituality but more about the spiral. i have bought so many books in summer, but still am stuck on the zazen book (it‘s also from mumon). it’s a mixture of practical advices and a little bit philosophy. i like the caligraphy. 

so maybe it’s time to start with one of the spiral books - and use the other one for practice.

Edited December 16, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

just tried to find some good fruit music - there are even strawberries involved.

[now is forever]

i had this beautiful morning today, like a warm sunny song even though i couldn’t sleep through i have these wonderful dreams i can’t remember in the morning but if i wake up sometimes the whole surrounding feels electrified, another night i even had this big yellow flower at my bed i bought for myself and i woke up and didn’t even touch it but the air around it was so loaded that i just put my hands like when you hold it against the warmth of fire and recived this unbelievable energy. i felt the same feeling again tonight. i‘m completely full with happiness and was very productive this whole morning. now it’s already afternoon.

i also think my body/mind is about to explore or open the navel chacra further as i am kind of sensitive in the belly region.

Edited December 17, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

today starts more rational. there is so much more to do before it gets hectical through the holidays. i‘m happy i won’t have to care for christmas stuff - i was really fanatic about celebrating christmas since i was a child because my christmas was always green christmas. i even was the devil in my neighborhood telling all the kids that santa clause or the christ child was a fairy tale. in germany in a lot of families it’s the christ child who brings the presents... the fanatism about a peaceful present loaded christmas turned out to be an illusion as it was always me trying to make it perfect while everyone else didn’t really care. so this year i made it perfect by transporting my parents out of their war zone - we‘ll have a wellness christmas, my mom really deserves it, as my father even turns out the heater sometimes because he wants to safe money (it’s not that he hasn’t any). now he will get sauna as a present. and he will pay for all of us.

Edited December 20, 2018 by now is forever
it turns out to be his karma

[now is forever]

and exactly because there is so much to do i regressed into procrastination the whole day. even went off the road to check out the market i want to sell some of my products for a starter next year. that’s so nice in berlin it is so directly accessible.

Edited December 18, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

and started to read spiral dynamics in action - and found out the matrioshka is a spiral thing  i‘m kind of proud. actually it was a modell i was reflecting on for other reasons but phenomena are phenomena.

that‘s why i digged out this track from the 20th century. and whatever you hear it’s „funk phenomena“

 

Edited December 19, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

14 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

 

it’s kind of funny how the fool seems to answer itself - it is this but more than this. i guess i‘m mostly the emotional fool but only partially as i certainly have been the zero fool once.

mhhh i‘m all of them a little bit - maybe i‘m the complete fool.

thank you zigzag fool aka @Zigzag Idiot 

Edited December 19, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

so yeah this is maybe the end of the fools card and the beginning of the strawberry - but lemon is still my favorite fruit of all time.

 

Edited December 19, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

i realized i need to really prepare again to carry that snailhouse everywhere i go - even though it’s not for creeping in. my snailhouse has open doors and i need to make sure it is well equipped. but with this i could do whatever i do everywhere. maybe it just needs a little bit more speed not only in phantasia. it’s a very speedy phantasian snail. it thinks about bringing that house here and there. but then it also has to plan all the traveling stuff like what bird to take or what location would be best to open the doors.

Edited December 20, 2018 by now is forever

[tsuki]

15 hours ago, now is forever said:

it’s kind of funny how the fool seems to answer itself - it is this but more than this. i guess i‘m mostly the emotional fool but only partially as i certainly have been the zero fool once.

I think that I'm somewhere between the intellectual and zero fool.
It's such a shame that corporeal fantasy does not emphasize the zero fool's foolishness like he does with other kinds of fools.
It almost sounds like the zero fool is less foolish than the other kinds.