random jungle noise

[now is forever]

smoked a herbal cigarette today - it’s not backlashing, as i did it just out of interest and there is no craving from it. it contained damiana what i‘ve never heard of before. funny thing is i still feel a little bad, as if i was cought in the act - maybe because there are many exceptions lately as it is not easy to stick to one’s own rules if the sourounding doesn’t support it. so i wouldn’t even have touched it if it wouldn’t have been around. 

some behaviors are produced only by availability. and some because of unavailability. and a lot are produced because of particularity.

Edited February 22, 2019 by now is forever

[now is forever]

so weird how synchronicity works sometimes, tonight two things broke, i‘ll fix them again but still they broke during the same night and the crack on one of them will remain. one was the stone of my necklace and another was a part of the kamera cover slider on my phone.

there are many things we can fix/mend but some cracks stay visible.

Edited February 24, 2019 by now is forever

[now is forever]

today i got an insight about how i made sure there would be no running away anymore. ?

there won’t at least not on my part. it’s a challenge!

[now is forever]

today what brushed my mind, was the understanding of the following situation: 

i own some things, or maybe these things own me - and this relationship will never change as i am in a relationship with them. and i‘m sometimes pretty lost in this relationship with them, because i wish to have everyone to have a better relationship to things. i can‘t imagine a world without things as things have some value in their use. loving things means in reality loving yourself.

but then on the other side having too many things means the things own us, also the wrong things own us - so it‘s a matter of understanding what things own us, in a good sense and what kind of things don’t. and how to replace the bad ones with good ones.

i also realized that i always want the people in my sourounding to take or not take influence on handling these things. and i‘m sad if they don’t sometimes and mostly they don’t. and sometimes i get very intimidated by them trying to change them. because in reality i can only handle my own things - but i also want to learn to treat myself better in learning to handle things and replace some things with better ones. and thats why i would basically intrude everywhere in telling others how to handle their things or handling their things my way - i realize that especially in sense of my mom. i‘d love to handle her things, because she has her issues with it, but it’s her things, so i can’t handle them as long as she won’t let me. that’s what’s keeping me from intruding into others privacy kompletely. why then i am always only talking about myself. because i always just want to give, i also can’t just recive.

that‘s why i think it’s so important to live with other people - so maybe i‘d never move into an apartment by myself anymore, because yes of course other living beings are annoyingly intimidating sometimes but that’s exactly where we learn best.

Edited March 3, 2019 by now is forever

[now is forever]

when i woke up today reality entered my mind and with it some fear and i realized how my mind wants to go hiding behind dreaming again. but handling external reality is what i didn’t want to run away from again, even though if reality and dreams seem to have two different directions at the moment. i‘ll try to move on with reality and handle my shit, because it’s starting to come flying again. my self absorption is holding me from working on necessities, to the point of ignorance. this is a turning point.

???‍♀️ i‘ll try to do that with grace - i‘m still not there 100% still far away from handstand and further from walking on the hands, quite litteraly, and maybe never will be, but it’s ok - somedays are better an some are worse.

as last night was maha shivaratri - how i learned in the forum, it’s a good way of filling the heart again with the power of disconstruction (disconstructing problems) the power of shiva i didn’t understand for a long time completely.

Edited March 6, 2019 by now is forever

[now is forever]

also think i start to understand what determinism really means, a lot deeper than ever before. well i never really went deep into determinism reflection. but it’s pretty much including codependency and synchronicity in a broader sense. i only understand it deeper though after integrating the nature of reality as non material but spiritual in that sense a spiritual determinism. what doesn’t mean i‘ve integrated spirituality enough - i can def improve. but the thing with codependency is, i pretty much will probably return to material spirituality - as this is kind of essential for my profession. i will need to track and improve somehow on oscillating between both.

Edited March 6, 2019 by now is forever

[now is forever]

On 5.3.2019 at 5:46 AM, now is forever said:

as last night was maha shivaratri - how i learned in the forum, it’s a good way of filling the heart again with the power of disconstruction (disconstructing problems) the power of shiva i didn’t understand for a long time completely.

so i see that i write that sentence down, know that i‘m doing it, telling myself i change and then still this feeling of resistance holds me from starting the disconstruction. as if my mind produces the end situation and is already happy with the imagination, illusion of it, although it never happened. happy with the thought alone. i can do it a little later - after i‘ve done the other things, because i‘m here right now, right? i‘m just being here for now, i‘ll do the uncomfortable things in the evening, or in the morning (that’s after the evening has arrived). it’s not that i‘m not being, it’s not that i‘m not aware. it’s just that i‘m only always aware of the more comfortable, until the uncomfortable thought gets really loud so i finally do it under stress and pressure.

i can only imagine how nice it would be if doing these things where fun. how can i arrive at doing these things with fun? i‘m not the challenge person...so either  i need to learn to enjoy chellange or i need to learn to enjoy doing disconstruction. but certainly i need a different fuel than stress.

love is a nice fuel - so how to love the uncomfortable if it is exactly the opposite of convenience? i mean that’s what i really need to face in awareness, the uncomfortable, as the solution is usually found in the uncomfortable as the uncomfortable is the problem.

Edited March 7, 2019 by now is forever

[tsuki]

52 minutes ago, now is forever said:

love is a nice fuel - so how to love the uncomfortable if it is exactly the opposite of convenience? i mean that’s what i really need to face in awareness, the uncomfortable, as the solution is usually found in the uncomfortable as the uncomfortable is the problem.

You know deep down that it makes you suffer. That place you don't want to look at.
You can wait, but it's much more patient than you are.
It's easier now, when it's still fresh. It'll hurt but it's much better than picking scabs or cutting scars.

[now is forever]

45 minutes ago, tsuki said:

You know deep down that it makes you suffer. That place you don't want to look at.
You can wait, but it's much more patient than you are.
It's easier now, when it's still fresh. It'll hurt but it's much better than picking scabs or cutting scars.

healthyness can’t only be measured by happiness.

but i don’t really get what you point at tsuki. towards what are you pointing to? that i don’t want others to suffer? that i have a helpers syndrom? that i‘m codependent? what else should i look at? that there are too many problems in this world for me to solve because they arise everywhere? that someone told me i was the problem (dad) and another one told me i was the most beautiful gift on earth (mom)?

where should i look at tsuki? can you point the direction? because there are only mechanisms and dynamics to look at.

maybe to understand that it’s true, i can only always solve myself and that’s solving the problem. but how can i leave others alone then? i mean if i like people how can i leave them suffering? and if i am the problem they suffer with how could i leave them alone suffering with themselves?

it’s too much responsibility to take on, that’s why i‘m running away from taking real responsibility - i also have the problem of sometimes not seing what the priorities are.

so in a sense it’s difficult to discern the external problem from the internal problem, as they arise together. i mean the external hurdles and the internal hurdles.

Edited March 6, 2019 by now is forever

[tsuki]

33 minutes ago, now is forever said:

where should i look at tsuki? can you point the direction?

You're doing great. Why can't you handle responsibility?

[now is forever]

2 minutes ago, tsuki said:

You're doing great. Why can't you handle responsibility?

because i can’t take over responsibility from others - they are responsible for themselves. but i‘m only used to take responsibility for others while i‘m also used to let others take responsibility for me.

[tsuki]

I shouldn't have responded. I blew it.
Sorry.

[now is forever]

1 hour ago, tsuki said:

I shouldn't have responded. I blew it.
Sorry.

no, it’s ok. this was not pointing towards you being a problem, because being there to help is not the problem. what i want to say is - it’s normal that we can’t handle everything alone. that’s why we are social beings.

it‘s just that i have some basic hurdles that block me, i have to overcome.

but i also have problems letting others handle my shit.

and i got too comfortable in letting others handle my shit, for much too long. same as some people get to comfortable in being on their own for to long not able to recive help.

the problem is i‘m also talking about two different situation threads at the same time right now. so it’s very difficult to get the threads in order - they are intertwined.

Edited March 6, 2019 by now is forever

[now is forever]

30 minutes ago, tsuki said:

You're doing great. Why can't you handle responsibility?

so the true answer is one person can’t take responsibility for the whole world as responsibility is not a feeling, it is action/doing. doing the responsibility not just feeling it.

Edited March 6, 2019 by now is forever

[now is forever]

so if i don’t know how to take on responsibility, i get scared of taking it and i push it further away. i solve other problems instead to relieve the pressure - what’s procrastination. instead of using the procrastination to solve the problem. so some problems get solved of the many but not the uncomfortable ones - the ones that feel to heavy to face.

and thats actually bad, because the uncomfortable ones then stick around to hount us even more. it’s really better to solve them first - but how to get there, solving them first?

i still don’t have a good solution on how to prioritize.

Edited March 6, 2019 by now is forever

[now is forever]

also why do problems usually come in bundles? and why do their multiple emotional threads intertwine? as if shit would be magnetic to shit - or the mess that happens when shit hits the fan - the cleaning is much more work than an ordered shit flush. and who  threw the shit in the first place and hid themselves?

it‘s kind of an cause and effect game.

wow isn’t art amazing! i did that...fuck ?

but there is no me you know. because i am an illusion. well that’s what we use to think not only if someone else threw the shit. the shit though - that’s not an illusion.

Edited March 6, 2019 by now is forever

[now is forever]

got this really bad cold with sinusitis - and also had the chills until the point i thought all my body would give up working, could feel some of my inner organs too. those are the moments when we experience first hand how everything works together and how we are actually not mastering our body at all or only to a certain degree, but are mastered by how the body works and are able to experience its fragility.

the problems about any system is it’s illnesses are only felt where it’s dysfunctional/sick (humans are too ignorant and self centered to understand that though) - and the factors are obviously not only external or not only internal they always have to be seen systemically. sometimes it’s interesting, growing up in a family of holistic medicine men gave me a different view on how systems in general work, but understanding only always comes by practice and the only person i can heal is myself.

thats also why a doctors prescription is always only an advice based on a systemical concept (that’s why it’s so important to find good ones, as most medical systems are sick, a lot of doctors are only prescription machines for pharmaceutical industry) - if the healing can reach us depends on our own healing abilities.

Edited March 11, 2019 by now is forever

[now is forever]

transcending sickness means holding up the basic functions and starting to create healthy habits and supporting healthy organs while some parts of the body are still sick. caring with compassion to turn the bodies course from towards death to towards life. sometimes it doesn’t matter that we do because it matters what we do with what we do. it is all just transfering between life and death.

Edited March 11, 2019 by now is forever

[now is forever]

as i already posted it somewhere else, i can equally share it here. bought myself this nice book about permaculture. it has a lot of wholistic information in it and some really nice vegan recipes. i‘ll probably not create a permaculture garden at my backyard right now - even though the caretaker of my house would probably be all in. but i want to go regularly to urban gardening projects during the coming summer and partake in the gardening. and i share it because it’s a really nice cookbook for anyone who wants to get all into veganism and healthy eating and maybe wants to get closer to the idea of nature in the city. 

also think about it, do you have urban gardening projects in your city? did you ever go there? urban gardening is not just a trend, it‘s a living philosophy.

and also if you only go there to show your sunglasses - don’t go.

Edited March 16, 2019 by now is forever

[now is forever]

coming home is so beautiful, i only always realize it when i‘m coming back. if it’s not, it’s time to change something about it. but even if it is, it’s also always time to change something about it and integrate the new.

although it’s nice to wander, it’s equally nice to have a resting point.

Edited March 19, 2019 by now is forever