(can't Come Up With A Catchy Title But Anyway) My Journal

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

Another morning.  Sounds of morning traffic coming through closed windows.  Sounds of crows and other birdies chirping.  

"I listen to nature and open to what it brings in me."  

Woke up not feeling good, but dragged myself out from comforter to make green smoothies, made it, drinking it, feeling better.  

I will continue #80 Research today.  But first, I'll watch one stupid youtube to give me some laughter <-- I hope it gives me energy, not distraction.  

Also I better make a morning chemical 'kick,' i.e., coffee.  

 

"Happiness is a state of just [being], not [doing.]" <-- This reminded me . . people who cling / hang on to their lives when they can 'go.'  I've been seeing many people who literally physically 'dying.'  

(That's the reason why I may have different thought about death, compared to other normal people.  Anyhoo..  back to story.)   

Some people look terrified of dying, even though their bodies are dying, that's why they cannot 'go' easily.  Some are . . traumatic . . die in pain, which don't occur much though.  Some other people cling to their live, even though their bodies are physically dying, because . . maybe they want to continue being happy? . . Happiness is a state of just [being], right?  Is that why?  Is that the reason why they just can't let go of their live?  Because they think they cannot continue being happy when once they died?  

I just felt like noting it.  

 

--> Reminder for myself --> "Monkey Happiness"

 

Re: husband.  He's nice.  Like . . things he kept refusing whenever I asked . . that's why I stopped asking him no more . . He started . . He initiates doing it.  He even ask me if I want to do it.  I don't mean to be sarcastic tho . . considering his 'pattern,' I wonder how long this his effort lasts?  

BTW, he knows that I'm writing this journal here.  He can read my journal whenever.  

 

-- Adding 4 hrs alter, at 12:38 pm PT --  

Plan to tackle #80: Research & #81 Skills

• For me to be confident, I need to review all the basics again.  There are 3 YouTube channels for it.  Skim them through all the basics ASAP.  
• Then I'll think about if I really want the specialty of my interest, or not.  

 

I guess I got to seek the Life Purpose & enlightenment work at the same time.  I cannot focus only on enlightenment because I need to 'eat.'  I need to go back to work/earn $$, but this time, with my clear Life Purpose in mind.  

Edited April 4, 2016 by OceanJjb
For clarification, grammar correction, and cuz don't want to add as a new entry.

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

Last night, I didn't journal . . Oops.  I just fell asleep.  

I was lazy yesterday.  I wasn't productive in the level that I could.  I escaped to vegan cooking.  Learning vegan cooking is good, but it shouldn't be priority.  Cooking & eating is waaay more fun for me . . than things that I got to do.  I need to train my emotional labor . . Is that what Leo said?  

 

--> I may want to come back to my 'emotional labor' thing later.  

 

One thing that I haven't written here is my physiology . . <-- this english sounds kinda funky . . physiology?  body component? . . oh geez . . it's too early in the morning to think of proper egnlish word usage.  

Ahyhoo, in the beginning of March, my BMI was 25.7.  Body fat is 37%.  That's the latest # that I've known.  

Yup I'm chubby.  In medical term, it's called 'FAT.'  

I need to reduce BMI to < 25 & body fat to <35%.  

 

I've been thinking like, 'now, I need to focus on my life purpose and relationship problem, so, my fitness is later.  I can't focus that many things at a time.'  But . . maybe . . I should?  Physiology part is the most basic needs in Maslow's hierarchy.  The base is very important.  Although my BMI & fat% aren't That bad . . I'm not obese, but kinda 'fat.'  I just better lose a couple points in BMI & a couple % so that I can be in 'normal' range.  

 

I've been doing the Me Sheet reminder for 3 weeks & daily 5 min affirmation for 3+ weeks.  I tend to skip meditation because it got to be 20 min . . kinda long . . that's why . . I decided to do it even just 1 min.  Better than not doing it, although 20+ min is the best.  

Let's have a nice day!  --Drinking green smoothie, I'm writing this. 

 

-- adding 1 hr later -- 

Thanks to @Argue who asked @Emerald Wilkins about Cornerstone Habits and thanks to @Emerald Wilkins who answered @Argue 's question, I thought I better 'set' my Cornerstone Habits clearly.  

(I'm trying to set) My Cornerstone Habits 

1. Make green smoothie every morning & drink it.  (which I've been doing since I quitted my job, every weekdays.  I tend to skip weekends tho.)  (Anyway I wanted to recognize my morning green smoothie is a Very Important cornerstone habit for me.)  (Also I sense that it's kinda like placebo effect for me, like, "I'm drinking Darn Good stuff so I'm Good!")  
2. Exercise: Swimming slowly or yoga.  (I need to figure out what kind of schedule works out for me.)  (I know that I better do cardio but I just don't quite have the energy . . psychological?)  (If I go swimming, I get out from home, which is good for me too.)  
3. Sleep:  I go to bed early and wake up early.  No problem since I quitted my job . . probably Waaay less stress now, that's why.  Although domestic problem showed up after quitting job, still waaaay less stress now.  
4. Me Sheet review, 5 min affirmation, and 20 min meditation:  I think 'Me Sheet review' and '5 min affirmation' are becoming my daily habit since I've done 3+ weeks.  But '20 min meditation' . . . I tend to postpone cuz of 20 min . . . I decided to meditate even just 1 min.  
5. Water plants in my small patio, go outside, get natural daily vitamin-D dose.  Sensing/touching nature is psychologically good . . . I've read somewhere.  
6. (I better set when to work on what I got to do & how much to do.)
7. (I better set when to watch Casey Neistat since I cannot skip it.)   

I remember Cornerstone Habits should be just a couple, shouldn't be that many.  I need to work on it.  

 

-- 5 hrs later, at 12:27 PT -- 

In 'Discipline' topic somewhere in this forum, I happened to watch 'How to Build Self Discipline' by YouTuber called 'Infinite Waters (Diving Deep).'   This:  

https://youtu.be/DTzCdl5yKyU?t=1m2s

He kinda shocked me.  lol.  

"Change your name."  . . . . I was like, "What!?!?"  "Who talks about [changing names] in the topic of [discipline]!?!?"  . . . but he's right tho.  It's all about 'subconscious' thing.  

Therefore, My name is now [ SmartFixer_OceanJjb ] <-- Sounds kinda funky.  But at this moment, that's fine.  I may change it to better one later tho.  

 

-- 8 hrs later, at 16:02 PT -- 

Because I didn't write yesterday evening (fell asleep), kinda early tho, today's not done yet tho, here's my evening journal:  

Gratitude    I can't believe that I replied a person with some advice!  Who am I becoming!?!?  lol.  A month ago, I would never thought of me giving some advice to somebody.  It was just simply impossible then.  My psych was real bad then.  Now I'm good enough to be able to reply with some advice.  Man!  I hope the person gets better a little by little knowing the person wants immediate remedy.  

Opportunities    Again, I tend to get more interested in online business kinda thing, which I've never experienced.  I don't know if this is distraction or opportunities?  For this my interest, I just let my curiosity lead, even tho I got other priorities.  

Intensions    I should have done Cornerstone Habits done early in morning and should have worked on my research for possible jobs.  But actually I just learned the words this morning.  

Acknowledgment    Knowing I could give some advice to a person, I acknowledged that I'm getting better.  I need to streamline my Cornerstone Habits tho.  

Lessons Learned    The concept of Cornerstone Habits & to change name as a part of 'discipline' (by Infinite Waters (Diving Deep))   I want to change 'SmartFixer_OcenaJjb' to better one later tho.  That just don't sound good.  

 

-- 9 hrs later, at 16:45 PT -- 

My Cornerstone Habits revised:  

1. Green smoothie -- Know that I ingested good stuff very first thing in the morning.  
2. Exercise.  Yoga or swimming very slowly, at this moment -- Know that my fitness is taken care early in the morning.  
3. Water plants / go outside / absorb natural vitamin D from sun -- Up my mood, trigger serotonin looking at sunlight thru retina, strengthen bones, ... 
4. Sleep -- Restore energy.  

 . . . those 4 items above should give the ripple effects, and I will do:  

• Me Sheet review / 5 min affirmation / meditation, doesn't matter how long, preferably 20+ min.  
• Whatever I got to do following my priority.
• Moderate YouTube (Casey Neistat as addicted.)  

 

Edited April 6, 2016 by SmartFixer_OceanJjb
For clarity & Because I don't want to add as a new entry.

[Natasha]

@SmartFixer_OceanJjb Drinking lots of water with a bit of apple cider vinegar mixed to it helps flush fat. This is a formula to calculate how much water per day is enough: your weight divided by 2 is your number in ounces. I drink alkaline water with RAW UNFILTERED apple cider vinegar (Bragg's brand at Walmart, $6) through the day. There are over 100 health benefits to APV, it's some of the most healthful and least expensive things out there. I also make tea with it, cinnamon and honey. Very yummy too c(:

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

(Deleted cuz what I wrote was like Twitter comments.)

Edited April 6, 2016 by SmartFixer_OceanJjb

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

I just watched "The Benefits of Enlightenment" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfMqtrbjiMs  again after checking email from Leo.  <-- Yup I'm subscribed.  

I thought TONS while watching the video.  

"Life is suffering" <-- I knew it.  More like, isn't it the basic teaching in Buddhism?  

To get out of the life's sufferings is . . when you noticed that you got out from life's sufferings . . when you noticed that you are in different state of mind getting out of life's suffering . . is called 'enlighten.'  

 . . . That's what I've known.  

Also . . . this thought may be not quite acceptable in Western Christian world . . . To get out of life's suffering, one way is to end their live, i.e., suicide.  'Enlighten after (physical) death.'  <-- This is not quite accepted in Western Christian world.  Mentioning about suicide is even recognized as 'offensive' sometimes.  That's what I noticed living in the United States.  

Anyhoo,

In the video, Leo explained the details of . . his version of enlightenment.  I think, I got it.  And, so, although I kinda knew it . . working on Life Purpose becomes meaningless when I keep 'enlightenment' in my mind.  In a way, it's a relief.  And also it's dangerous.  In extreme case, I can be a homeless and get enlightened, and on to self-actualization.  

Now I got another thing to think about.  <-- My 'ego' wants to think about it, I guess.  <-- 'I' is illusion.  <-- This loop.  lol.  

I think, I want to watch the video again.  And other Leo's enlightenment related videos too.  But . . I got other things to do tho?  Watching Enlightenment related videos are more interesting than what I got to do.  <-- This is not good.  <-- My 'ego' wants to discipline me.  <--  'ego'  'discipline'  all 'illusion.'  <-- This loop.  <-- This monkey-chatter.  <-- lol.  

First, I better start from my Cornerstone habits because it's morning!  Man! birds are noisy chirping loud this morning . . 

 

Edited April 6, 2016 by SmartFixer_OceanJjb
for clarity & to correct grammer errors

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

14 hours ago, Natasha said:

Drinking lots of water with a bit of apple cider vinegar mixed to it helps flush fat.

@Natasha I'm drinking the apple cider vinegar water now, as you recommended.  I calculated how much water to drink a day for me -- Thank you   The ratio I made is:  1/4 teaspoon apple cider vinegar in 16 fl oz water  <-- Am I too stingy in vinegar usage??  I'm kinda scared of 'vinegar water.'  Like, "Am I to drink the sour thing!?!?"  Diluted enough so don't taste much sour-ness tho.

I just made it with the apple cider vinegar on hand, Heinz one, which says 'super-filtered.'  I'll get the Bragg's one when I got chance for shopping.  

When I read your reply, I remembered my mom's side grandma who told me to drink her version of [vinegar water] saying "because it's a good thing!" when I was a kid, like 30+ years ago.  Hers were more . . 'hard-core' can I say?  lol.  She soaked/marinated dried soy beans in 'black vinegar' (I don't know what kind of vinegar that was) for a couple weeks or months or . . Who knows!!  It's a [grand-ma] thing!!  lol.  

I remember drinking it then.  As long as it's diluted enough, it was drink-able but never tasted good tho . . even tho she used to say 'it's good!'  What does she expect?  I was just a kid!  lol.  She also offered the 'guts' . . the dried soybean hydrated in black vinegar!!   MAN!!   That tasted AWEFUL!! . . . but she was enjoying it.  She was a hard-core.  lol.  

. . I remembered that kind of experience with my grandma when I read your reply.  Thank you for this too.  I re-lived the memory with my grandma.  

30+ years later, she passed away already years ago, I'm in different country, being reminded of 'vinegar water' from waaay younger person than grandma.  How interesting . . . 

[Natasha]

@SmartFixer_OceanJjb Has to be ORGANIC, UN-filtered, RAW apple cider vinegar with 'the mother' to give benefits. It's basically fermented apple juice. As you probably already know, fermented foods are awesome for our health. 

I mix a couple tablespoons of ACV in my 60 oz water bottle (my daily water intake) and sip it through the day. I've done it for so long, must have gotten used to the slightly sour taste. Can't drink water without it now, feels bland.

Here's a good article about ACV and some of its health benefits and uses:

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2015/03/21/apple-cider-vinegar-uses.aspx 

   

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

Yes I set my cornerstone habits yesterday, and right next day, today, I already messed up.  I woke up early in morning as usual but then I couldn't get up till noon.  Due to some unexpected circumstances, I ended up waiting for almost 2 hours yesterday evening and . . I guess it got me tired.  Also I watched Leo's Benefit of Enlightenment.  That made me think, and . . remembering memory of my grandma who offered me black vinegar water (dried soybeans hydrated in it) when I was kid . . that was a memory to cherish . .   Then, I was like, "Grandma, what did you bring this time??  another funky stuff??" . . . I've never known 'the moment' was something to cherish later on . . . 

In the enlightenment perspective, memory is also delusion, right??   Then, I refuse to be enlighten for this.  I admit that I'm a weak person.  I want to hang on to my memory with grandma.  Life is suffering.  I knew it.  I need some memories to cherish, to live on.    

I started wondering . . if people here are just 'think about' enlightenment by sitting quietly? and discussing about enlightenment with enlightenment-kinda terminologies?   There must be many different approach to enlightenment.  And, this way don't quite convince me.  

I cannot trust anything without hands-on basically.  I'm an orthodox 'hands-on' person, that's why.  If I am afraid of death, I go see dying persons.  That's what I did when I married to an older person cuz I was afraid of his way earlier death than mine.  15 years ago.  

One thing led to another today.  Now, I feel that I want to go back to work.  I'll go see and feel their sufferings.  Screw the 'speciality' to give me 'confident.'  As Buddha went to see people who are suffering . . I go that route.  And figure out my version of enlightenment & self-actualization.  

My life purpose may be 'right there.'  Maybe?  Maybe now?  I got to figure out myself.  

Right now, I feel kinda high.  Later, when I cooled, my other problems will come back to me, like marriage/relationship problem, my confidence 'without speciality' problem, and 'IT-needs at work' problem.  <-- I better keep them in mind.  

Edited April 6, 2016 by SmartFixer_OceanJjb
for clarification & to correct grammer errors

[Natasha]

@SmartFixer_OceanJjb Being enlightened doesn't mean denying your ego, it's transcending it. Memories are thoughts, and like any thought they can still be used/  watched/ enjoyed.  Just remember not to identify with them - you are not them, you are the awareness behind them. 

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

I think I'm lost.  I'm physically ok tho.  This morning, I'm busy so it will be later to update here.  

-- 4 hrs later --

i thought I could, but couldn't.  I failed.

Edited April 7, 2016 by SmartFixer_OceanJjb

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

Till this morning, I'd watched Leo's enlightenment related vids.  After coming back, I watched some Mooji's vids.  I was looking for some answers in his vids.  He said 'a way to deal with sufferings is silence.'  1st I thought, "That's what I'd done for a while, then I just get depressed more and more, so started seeing a counselor, then, but, still I couldn't quite getting out from my sufferings, then found actualized.org, then started forum-journaling, and still I feel stuck.  Am I going back to the first stage again!?!?"  But then, I thought, since my last silence phase, I had a journey.  I stumbled and struggled.  I'm still in the mid of it.  And I'll be in silence, as Mooji said.  

I don't know how long of this 'silence' will last tho.  My monkey-chatter is insane.  

I don't know the purpose of writing this here, to be 'silent.'  <-- This is already a monkey-chatter.  

I need to observe this monkey chatter from . . what did Leo say?  I forgot the word.  Kinda like the 3rd eye? or pineal grand?  . . . That's what I need to train.  

BTW, I couldn't observe my dull headache . . I couldn't separate the pain from . . 3rd eye or pineal grand . . today.  I think Leo mentioned something like, "when you get older, physical pain here and there.  You can separate pain from you." or something.  REALLY!?!?  I think, it depends of the intensity of the pain, type of the pain, and location of the pain like how close the painful site is to the nerve and/or nerve endings.  Especially headache . . is the darn close to the pain center in brain.  Observing the headache was impossible for me today.  Or, is it a kind of distraction method? <-- This is very common.  

And re: "People aren't afraid of death is a lie."  <-- I guess, majority of the people are afraid of death.  There are some minority people who are Not afraid of dying.  My environment was . .  My next neighbor suicided 15+ years ago.  She was a teenager.  I used to say 'hi' a couple times a week.  We never talked.  I regretted.  I was too shy to go talk to her.  My 'kinda-relative' attempted suicide.  She was a narcissist and used to bother me so no comment.  My high-school friend was . . I don't know how many times she attempted suicide.  Another case:  One young guy with relatively chronic disease, but he could move around no problem, suicided.  

What I meant was, depending on the environment where you are, the scenery is different.  You just can't see people who are not afraid of death.  

And me?   I kind of don't want to die, but sometimes I want to die to free from sufferings.  But I don't want to die with physical pain.  I want to be in coo-coo state with morphine and ativan.  I want to go ABSOLUTELY pain-free.  

 . . . this kinda monkey-chatter I wrote after mentioning "i'll be quiet."  I wonder if I can really be in 'silence' to deal with suffering?

[Natasha]

@SmartFixer_OceanJjb

 

 

 

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@Natasha  I got the Bragg's apple cider vinegar at Walmart -- thank you for the info.  And other comments and reference videos too.  

[Natasha]

@SmartFixer_OceanJjb You're very welcome. Anytime 

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

I still feel that I'm lost in direction.  

I've been postponing to reply to my sister (younger than me)'s email about their teenage kids.  She's a single mother.  I think she got a boyfriend.  We are not that close.  And I just don't have much energy.  

Energy . . . not just psychological energy but physical energy . . . Lately I just can't do intense cardio at all.  What I can do is to swim VEEEEERY slowly for 30 min.  Focus is relaxation and meditation, I guess.  

I even lost in what I write here . . . oh yeah, I just watched Leo's newly uploaded vid.  

What he said was the 10K hour method in short term?  I think that's it, which I still needed the reminder tho.  I thank him tho.  

But I still can't get quite out of depression which originated in age-difference marriage:  How to deal with his way earlier decline and death.  

Lately I happened to see an elderly couple.  Both ages looked similar.  Her husband needs wheelchair for transport . . maybe they are 80 or so.  They look both retired . . obviously . . 95% for sure.  They are declining in similar age / similar pace.  If they are matured psychologically, they accept aging together, that aging would be graceful and complete their lives.  <-- This is not happening for me.  I got to be in the state 20+ years earlier than those normal couples, and I got to go back to work . . to support my lone retirement.  I need to prepare myself for this psychological state.  I have to hurry to reach the state.  Just thinking about it exhausts me and stuck in depression.  

The exhaustion and depression puts me in worse loop.  I just cant do much anything with good energy any more.  

I better focus on something else other than this issue . . . but this methods don't quite solve my coming future problem.  I need to prepare for it, but [ how ] ??  So far, what I think of what I got to develop is the 3rd eye kinda thing.  Detach myself from the depression and deal with it [ somehow ].  Somehow?? -- How??  

I cannot be quite passionate to my career.   It's like, "I'm helping people who already got help from families & relatives."  I'm like, "I'm the one who really need help!"  I may be just tired in my situation.  

In last couple days while I hadn't have enough energy, I skipped some of Me Sheet reminder, 5 min daily affirmation, and/or meditation.  I need to go back to do all those 3 daily.  

To bring back some energy/motivation, I'm planning to do something kinda stupid.  I'm not quite in the mood for it but I'm . . desperate, I guess?  I Love doing/saying stupid.  I want to do shock-therapy kinda thing to myself.  

I wrote that I was going to be 'quiet' but I came here to write about it after watching Leo's video.  Once a week, after watching Leo's vid, am I writing here?  Maybe good idea?  

oh it's 3:40AM PT here.

 

-- 7:11AM PT -- 

 

"Design death"

Edited April 10, 2016 by SmartFixer_OceanJjb

[Natasha]

@SmartFixer_OceanJjb Cheer up!! And count your blessings! 

- You live in the greatest country in the world;

- There is so much freedom and resources available to have the best health possible, any hobby you want, do all this self-development work, go see new places, travel, etc;

- You can count your husband's retirement funds as yours and doesn't he have life insurance to keep you financially comfortable if he goes first? If not, get him one. Why worry so much about money? Be practical. He won't mind;

- Appreciate the fact that there is someone near you who is also there for you, a companion, a friend. I don't have that anymore and miss it terribly. Don't take for granted;

- Being able to stay at home when need/ have to. Not everyone has that luxury;

I'm sure you can think of more blessings, even those in disguise are still blessings. Put aside all the 'roles' your ego thinks it has to play (wife, the one pursuing something, sister, etc) and just relax into BEING. The past and the future are not reality, only the present moment is. Hugs 

 

 

 

 

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

"Less options make you happier."

"Win BIG & lose EVERYTHING . . make you happier."

 

 

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

Sunday morning.  Since after midnight, I kept watching . . more like listening Leo's newly uploaded video 'Overcoming Addiction - The Root Cause of Every Addiction' and fell asleep . . I don't know how many times . . I Re-loaded the vid for . . How many times??  LOL.  And just completed watching it.  

I got So Many things that I want to write in here about what he talked in the video.  <-- This must be some sort of 'addiction' too.  

And now, I got to go.  I got to go discuss something, which . . I'm not quite willing to but I got to.  Sigh.  

I'll be back!  

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

now I watched today's Casey Neistat's video.  

What is my dream?  

... but wait.  'Being possessed in search for dream' and 'being actualized' don't go along.  

I am a screw up.  I don't know what I want in my life.  One time, I want to Totally eliminate my ego.  Another time, I want to pursue my dream.  

i want to lead like pursuing my dream is to actualize my life.

... I don't quite understand the last sentence I wrote above.  

oh btw I reviewed Me Sheet already.

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

I watched Leo's 'How Your Mind Distorts Reality - Needy vs Non-Needy Perception.'  

I mostly agree what he said.  

Again, I got Tons of things to say.  I thought Tons.  

And I know that his audience is mostly around Leo's age (early 30s) and younger people.  

My life stage and his are different.  

My experience toward aged people and my experience of last 15 years, dealing with aged people, is my reality.  I know that Leo hasn't experienced it.  That's just natural.  

He mentioned something like, 'a girl sleeping on the bed with monsters under it.'  My monsters are real.  Real fears which I saw in last 15 years.  The reality of aging and the circumstances.  Many have their families to support the aged ones.  I'm alone.  No family.  

I want to be self-actualized to [numb] my reality.  That's why I listen to Leo.  

Knowing Leo don't know my 'real fear,' I still want to be self-actualized, so I listen to Leo.  

I listen to Leo to prepare for the time when I become a homeless in 60s and die on the street.  I will feel 'ok' with the life if I were self-actualized then.  

I need to eliminate all my ego, so that I am ok as a homeless in my 60s.  

It's depressing.  Because I have ego now, so it's depressing.  

I hope I'm on the right direction.