(can't Come Up With A Catchy Title But Anyway) My Journal

[Natasha]

16 minutes ago, OceanJjb said:

'Victim of my mind' -- Yup I am.  Release myself from there.   

 

 

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

I fell asleep while watching Marriage Help Course early in evening, as usual, and woke up at 1:30AM, as usual.  

I have night terror sometimes . . I thought it's just once a couple months or so . . Husband said more like minimum once in a couple weeks.  I was recommended to do sleep study by therapist, which I did like a year ago.  I have some apnea but it's not bad enough for insurance to pay for the treatment.  oh well.  Sleep study didn't tell clearly about the physical problem for night terror.  My night terror might be caused by a part, physical, like some apnea, and a part, psychological.  No clear cause was revealed.  

I used to work during night for about 15 years, only part-time tho.  The sleep doctor recommended me to stop working night, if possible . . which I did stop working during night, like a year ago.  I just kept evening job since then.  It's been almost a year since quitted working night.  But I guess being awake during night must be ingrained for me as habit.  

I LOVE silence in night hours.  So peaceful . . 

I remember the night terror started sometime during my childhood.  I used to sleep alone so nobody noticed then.  My grandma used to have night terror -- I remember to go wake her up during night cuz she was screaming / trying to scream.  

I don't remember the contents of my night terror tho.  Should I have kept 'night terror journal'? . . sounds kinda fun to read it later, but would be not easy . .  Experiencing night terror is exhausting.  I don't think I have enough energy left to make note of it Right After the night terror.  

-- Changing subject --   

Since my teenager years to early 30s, I used to dream something like 'my body flies and jumps-around in-between and on-top of buildings' <-- This was also So exhausting.  Sometimes this WAS the cause of night terror.  Gravity pulls me back to ground but my body tries to fly, cuz I Know how to fly my body!  This sense is Really Really Real. . . of course 'in my dream.'  And I fly in-between buildings, being pulled by gravity, my body flies, resisting the gravity.  

In sometimes in my 20s, about 20 years ago, I worked in my country {my 1st career}, saved money to have education in the United States <-- this was my excuse to leave my country . . Yes I was lucky that I was born in 'currency was kinda good' country, so I could earn money by myself to come to have education in America (just community college level tho) . . . I just wanted to escape from my family -- my biological-father verbally abuse me and other family don't try to protect me -- I think, I knew that I need to change my environment completely, so physically they cannot reach me.  But I guess, my grandma worried, saying "Americans got guns! . . They gonna shoot you cuz they got Guns!  O-M-G!" <-- She was half-joking, but half serious.  Yup my original country don't allow guns. 

I never had home-sick.  That must be just so natural for me cuz I didn't think I was protected in my original family, from biological-father's verbal abuse.  They never want to come visit me or nothing.  They think I'm weird, which is okay for me.  Even for Americans, I may seem 'weird.'  [Family first] kinda value never exist in me.  I just simply don't know it.  Cuz I hadn't grown up in the [family first] kinda luxury.  Some people see me 'Oh poor you . . '   Then I'm 'poor-me' all right.  I got to live the poo-me life. --> Sounds like I need to be enlighten.  Yup that's why I'm here in this forum.  

On top of it, I got trouble-some marriage problem.  Gooosh...  

 -- Back to the Marriage Help course.   

 

Edited March 25, 2016 by OceanJjb
BOLDed some words so that I can know what I wrote when I came back to read later; and for clarity

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

OK.  New day.  New me.  Birds tweeting cute.  Good.  

I will be back to continue the Marriage Help course soon.  I just need to 'skim through' the course cuz that's what Husband signed up for.  I got to deal with MY life purpose.  I need to straighten up MY problematic career, which is, my Zone of Genius is in my former work field of 15 years ago.  Gosh! . . That complicates my situation to another level.    

In last 15 years, started with my sucking-English, changing my career to accomodate age-difference marriage (<-- This was co-dependent stupid idea), I went through one step after another.  With Bad self-esteem, I stumbled, many times.  Being targeted by some instructors, I dropped out myself from some programs.  I was asked to come back from other instructors . . I came back next semester tho.  They separated me from the bully-instructor . . or I wonder if it was just coincidence? that I didn't need to talk to the instructor no more?  -- Anyhoo -- In another program, same kinda thing happened.  There, an instructor recommended me to go see counseling.  There I started seeing former therapist, 7 years ago?  Before each programs, pre-requisite courses I've done.  . . . I started remembered more bullies but now it's not good time to write here.  Maybe later.  I remember . . I went through with my low self-esteem / low self-confidence in each every steps.  I suffered which nobody knows.  Now I'm Way More stronger.  

What I wanted to write here is . . relatively easy license to kinda hard license, I got 3 main licenses in my current career.  Plus, I got BS degree in the related field last year, online.  None of my family got college degree.  I did it All by myself Far away from family!  (Yup I needed to separate myself from them.) -- Anyhoo -- None of the licenses/the current career field are revealed as 'Zone of Genius' in Life Purpose course exercise, but the one of former career field . . the one Before I change to accomodate to this marriage.    

WTF!?!?!?  

Did I totally waste to change my career to accomodate to this my marriage!?!?!?  I hope not . . .  

I don't know . . .  I feel lost in here too . . .  But at least it was good to realize it now . .  Better than later.  

I wish I can show my YouTube channel . . and it 'somewhat' shows my Zone of Genius, which is more related to my former career of 15 years ago.  But the channel name is my Real name.  I don't have guts to show my real name here since I'm exposing All my screw-ups & messed-ups here.  How embarrassing is that!?!? . . . Sigh . . .  Nope I don't have the guts.  

Anyway, so, I need to finish / skim through Marriage Help course ASAP and back to continue working on Life Purpose course, and got to figure out what to do with my career along with my life purpose.  

Peace.    

  

Edited March 25, 2016 by OceanJjb
for clarification

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@Anicko  I remembered one thing I forgot to reply you about codependency and Lisa A. Romano's YouTube.  Somebody posted her video for reference, like a week ago, somewhere in this forum.  Since then, I subscribed to her channel.  I think she's going to start some new program in next month . . I think she said it's 12 weeks program or so . . not for sure but something like that.  I better watch it.  oh . . I got so many things to learn . . Anyhoo, I thank you for reinforcing me to face my codependency problem.  I need to do that, for rest of my life.  

Edited March 25, 2016 by OceanJjb
clarification

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

I shouldn't have written about spouse, ever, per 'Loyalty' section of Marriage Help Course.  

 . . . Too late.  I exposed it here already.  Not completely tho, but I did.  

But here, it's an exception, that's what I take.  Here, I supposed to grow.  

In Leo's words, 'Rags to riches journey.'  I am absolutely the 'rag' here.  

 

-- Adding later -- 

I just finished watching Video part of the Marriage Help course.  There are Marriage Help Audio part & General Marriage Advice Audio part, and eBook.  I think, watching all video part is enough for me cuz I want to continue Life Purpose course.  

I wonder if I can make 2 new things at a time?  Let's see.  What will be will be.  I'll let nature lead me.  

Edited March 25, 2016 by OceanJjb
I don't want to add as new entry.

[Anicko]

It is hard to fight those codependent issues. I struggle a lot, but it gets better and better the more I'm paying attention to my thoughts. 

I'm working on just focusing on ME. What do I want and need? How do I feel about things and why? As I get to the root of those things, other relationships in my life actually get better, and I'm starting to feel like a real person, not just a doormat. 

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

I finally went to pick up my Vision poster.  Actually mine is bunch of motivational quotes from projectlifemastery.com.  . . cuz I couldn't visualize what kind of life I want / what kind of job I want, since what I've been doing don't quite align with my Zone of Genius.  I thought it's better making it than not creating vision board.  

Then, back to #80 The Importance of Research.  Maybe I should have waited to make my vision board till I finish research??  After research, I may get some idea, and/or my course of action will be clearer??  Then I may have to re-do Vision board again.  I will do what it takes.  

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

He said, "Because you (me) want me (husband) to do this (Marriage Help course), I got to do this."

I said, "I'm not forcing you.  You signed up for it (Marriage Help course, online) 4 days ago."  "It should be voluntary.  If you don't want to do it, it's your free will.  I respect it.  I don't want to bother your life.  Your free will don't go along.  Then we better separate."  

He said, "I started.  I'm doing it now, so I must be doing it voluntarily."  

 -- Seems he listened total of 1 hour amount of audio classes in last 4 days.  I'm not gonna put how long he stays on his bed with his iPad.  

 -- I wonder if any way of getting out of this loop?  

I'm disappointed and sad and tired and . . I don't want to be influenced my psyche this way.  

I went to swim this morning.  Very slowly.  I don't have much energy lately.  I tried to enjoy watching water reflection in the pool.  I did 5 min affirmation too.  

I got to be patient.  I trust where the nature will take me in 1 month.   

"I listen to nature and open to what it brings in me."  

I will watch my vision board and force myself to continue Life Purpose course.  

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

"Inner Peas" . . . Cute.  

I wish I could rotate 90 degree to right.  

Edited March 26, 2016 by OceanJjb
Wanted to rotate but couldn't. Added rotated photo. Now 2 of horizontal photos. I wish I could at least delete one. Couldn't.

[Natasha]

@OceanJjb You got whole 2 of them 

Does it say 'DELICATE' on the front? 

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@Natasha  I wanted to delete one -- One is enough -- couldn't.  Wanted to rotate 90 degree to right -- couldn't.    

"Trader Joe's -- Contemplates -- Inner Peas -- A delicately crunchy, baked green pea snack" . . didn't buy this tho.  

Yup I need inner peace.  

[Natasha]

@OceanJjb Inner peace IS a very delicate thing. Crunch with care...

[Journey]

@OceanJjb Here ya go. 

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@Journey  !?!?!?  HOW ???  

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

I'm still stuck in Research section of the course, being interrupted by . . 'monkey chatter.'  

And I watched Eckhart Tolle's "How to Escape the Prison of your own Mind," the one @Natasha replied to my post:  

"The essence of the present moment, no matter how mad on the surface, is always still-ness.  It is also sacred-ness.  The only place where the sacred dimension can be found.  Now you have to be present to this moment you have to wake up into this moment to realize the life is sacred.  When you are lost in thought, sacred is meaningless . . . So this the depth of now is inseparable from your being, your life, it is sacred one life."  -- by Eckhart Tolle, "How to Escape the Prison of your own Mind"  

Lately it is hard to find the sacred dimension in my life, but it must be 'there.'  I will try to focus on still-ness in me when Monkey-chatter started to occupy me.  I thank @Natasha very much for sharing the Eckhart Tolle's video.  In the end-part of the video, I cried.  Psychologically I must be tired.  I will do whatever it takes, and I'll let nature lead my life.  

 

 

 

[Journey]

@OceanJjb Through the magic of positive thinking (I opened it in Preview on Mac and clicked "Rotate Right").

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@Journey  Is that it??  I did rotation with iPhone photo/album and uploaded and it didn't.  and 90 degree more and it didn't.  Thank you for your 'positive' reply!  I just needed positivity!

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

I woke up at 2:30AM, as usual.  I sensed seasonal allergy allergen (?) accumulated on my nasal mucosal surface / nasal cavity surface (?) so I flushed it / did Netti-pot (<-- this is a brand name tho.  Mine is called 'nasal cleanse.'  sounds very generic.)  Sometimes it works like magic.  Sometimes it doesn't at all.  This morning was the magic!  It Worked!  Sneezing & runny nose stopped.  Wow.  

This feeling of 'being stuck' still continuing.  I just quite can't focus on #80 Research on Life Purpose course.  I don't have right energy for it.  I may want to listen to audio part of Marriage Help course.  I may not quite ready to come back to Life Purpose course yet.  I let nature decide the right 'timing' for it.  <-- I still think that I'm just lazy that's why I can't FORCE myself to do things.  but..  and..  I just don't have energy.  I admit it.  I feel loser myself here.  I guess I'm a loser here.  

 

Yesterday, I remembered one 'typical' tragedy which has been chronic problem in my original country.  or, maybe, on some point, it may not limit only to my country but it happens way more in my country than other countries:  

A guy marries a woman, had a baby.  The husband works for love, need to provide his family.  He worked hard, Very hard to make money to provide to his family.  It started as 'love.'  Over years, as the kids grow, for better education, need more and more money.  He worked harder and harder to make more and more money -- ended up neglecting his family.  There's no more connection between him and his family, ends up divorce.  

The story above may be kinda analogy for my case:

 -- I married to an older guy.  (It started as co-dependency problem, which is omitted here.)  I worked hard to accomodate to this marriage.  One step at a time.  I developed myself dealing with my low-level English and low-self-esteem.  While working part-time, sometimes full-time, (one program skipped here), took pre-requisite courses to get into a program.  Suffered bullies.  Studied.  Got certificate.  Moved on.  Took pre-requisite classes.  Got into another program.  Had hard time.  Recommended counseling/ went on seeing counselor.  Studied.  Worked.  Repeat.  Online University.  Repeat.

 -- It started as to accomodate to this marriage.  I was well aware that I needed to ignore him for study.  I ended up ignoring him when we had some relationship problem, cuz, then, something like, I needed to prep for practicum or test or whatever, cuz the program won't wait for my domestic problems.  So, when I got time, I devoted all my time for domestic thing, like going to shopping with him, going out with him, cooking together, etc.  I didn't take any time making friends outside.  Seriously, all of my time, other than work and programs/school was all devoted for him for this marriage.  But, probably, still, it was not enough to keep good relationship with him.  I blame myself for it.  I apologized him about it.  

I wanted to note about it here, about my thought of my side of neglect in this relationship.  

Also I now know that changing my career to accomodate to my marriage was a bad idea.  That was a start of codependency.  But couldn't help it then.  

Then, the career which I developed to accomodate to this my marriage, don't belong to my Zone of Genius.  My Zone of Genius is in my former career of 15 years ago, before marriage.  Oh I'm a BIG screw-up.  

I better do yoga now.  

Edited March 27, 2016 by OceanJjb
for clarity & to correct grammer errors

[Natasha]

@OceanJjb Can you go back to your former career?

Edited March 27, 2016 by Natasha

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

4 hours after I wrote my last post, I realized that . . . He often . . SERIOUSLY ANNOYINGLY OFTEN says, "I forgot" for whatever we discussed . . . The reason might be, because I used to ignore him while I was working on programs/schools . . As I wrote in last post, it just couldn't be helped to survive in the programs, especially because of my poor English & low self-esteem.  I tried Real hard to compensate . . I didn't have outside friends.  I Really try to take time spend time with him while the programs are off.  I almost always were working on holidays . . He had been spending time by himself.  He may be subconsciously retaliating me by saying "I forgot!", with him ignoring what we discussed.  

I'm not sure if my rationale? analysis of my past situation is right?  I'm not psychologist nor psychiatrist.  

If my above analysis were right . . . It's my fault that he ignores me by saying "I forgot!"  

But, I was trying my best.  I was tired.  I might be rude to him sometimes.  But it was for our marriage, in my thought.    

But then, if he knew how hard the big-age difference marriage is Very Hard and if he didn't ask me to marry him, this situation wouldn't happen.  

Oh well.  15 years has passed since then.  

Edited March 27, 2016 by OceanJjb