(can't Come Up With A Catchy Title But Anyway) My Journal

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

WTH!!  I'm starting my journal Now!!  I've been thinking about starting journal here since this forum opened.  but when I thought about what to write, how to introduce myself, how I's stupid & miserable!  <-- self negative talk is getting better tho, thanks to Leo's suggestion of {self affirmation 5 min daily.}  

Yes I'm the one who started {I Feel That I'm Lost. My Age's 40+.}  Below FYI: 

Anyhoo, lately I became 43.  I will introduce myself more later.  

About 10 days ago, I bought Leo's Life Purpose Course for my b-day present.  Right now, I'm at [#80 The Importance of Research.]  Probably thanks to daily affirmation as suggested by Leo, my problematic self-esteem issue took turn to . . better, I guess?  Now I'm not afraid of confronting issues of my marriage/husband, straight to the point.  I'm not even afraid of separation.  No more.  

Have a wonderful day!  

 

Edited March 22, 2016 by OceanJjb

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

And started continue making Vision Board.    

40 Screen shots.   Oh what do I do . . . 

Edited March 22, 2016 by OceanJjb
cuz I don't want to add as 'reply'

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

My problem is that I don't have motivation to go back to work, thinking I got to save money for my lone retirement.  Husband is way older than me, close to my biological father's age.  No kids.  No relatives.  

( I supposed to write my background first, so that people here can understand my situation better, but couldn't make it.  Oh well.  Excuse me for that. ). 

Stupidly I changed my career to accommodate to this marriage, to marry way older person.  I did my best.  I got license for it.  I was serious.  Last 15 years, I spent my time to, basically to devote to this marriage, to face his future decline, which will happen way sooner than mine.  I got to deal with it, alone.  

This must be called "codependent relationships"?  Which is no good.  I noticed lately.  Anyhow... 

And I don't see his side of effort, toward me.  More like, he has been trying to avoid the conversation.  

WTF!?!?!?  

Long story short, we are seeing counseling lately.  But that's not enough.  

I guess I got enough energy due to daily affirmation.  I'm changing.  I expressed clearly what have been doing for this relationship, What i want and what I'm not getting from him and this relationship will not work out, etc..  I basically told him that I want divorce.

And this is first time..  He said he would do a relationship/communication kinda online course and he signed up for it.  

Im ready to divorce tho.  Oh well.  Let's see what's gonna happen, or what's Not gonna happen.  

... I guess he also must be seeing my changes, doing this Life Purpose Course.  That's why he got curious in online course.  

And OMG I said, I Really said, "I want divorce."  Clearly.  It still ain't easy, but MAN!  I'm changing!  

 

And i online-ordered my Vision board yesterday.  So it will be ready today!  My place is small so I ordered 11"x17" size.  I wonder where to post the poster...?  

Lets have an amazing day!  

I hope my today's not as drama as yesterday tho.  But oh well if it's necessary, I will deal with the drama.  Drama is exhausting tho...  

BTW, the marriage/relationship/communication kinda online course costs $375!  $125 more expensive than Leo's Life Purpose Course!  . . I appreciate Leo.  

Edited March 23, 2016 by OceanJjb
For clarity, to reduce redundancy

[Natasha]

@OceanJjb What are your reasons to want to divorce your husband? Is he being abusive in any way? Sounds like he is putting an effort forth to work on the relationship with attending counseling with you and taking an online course. He is also at the age when people feel the finality of life more acutely and just want to have comfort and peace. I'm just trying to understand why you don't want to be married to the man anymore. Could you talk about that?  

[Anicko]

I don't want to push any judgments, questions, or "advice" on you, but I can relate a little bit to what you've shared so far. I wish you the best of luck, and I think you are finding a way to your right path. 

I started my entire journey when I discovered codependency. Lisa A. Romano's videos on YouTube really helped me find ways to discover ME early on. I've since moved past all that, but she's amazing. 

Best wishes. 

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

Oh . . I guess I confuse people because I didn't start this journal properly from explaining my background and current situation.  I'm sorry for confusion.  

@Natasha  It's kinda hard to explain what kind of person my husband is . . .  let me try.  

Reason for divorce will be . . character difference?  Lack of his side of communication skill?  He says 'I forgot' too many times.  

To deal with his 'I forgot' problem, we posted 'things we discussed' lists in living room.  This was my idea.  We started doing it last September.  Counselor said that's good idea!  But he still ignores.  

Do you know how I feel every time I hear his "Oh I forgot!"..?  Hundreds times? -- I'm not joking.  Literally HUNDREDS Times.  It's pretty obvious that he's not making any effort.  He's taking Very light of me.  I got sick of it.  

Then, due to his age, I seriously start worrying/wondering "Early dementia kicked in!?!?"  

On top of his attitude of "Oh I forgot!," I got to worry about his dementia.  I explained that my worry ain't joke At ALL, which he doesn't quite grasp.  

When I married, I clearly told him that our time together gonna be waay shorter than other people's, due to his age  I got to live with my solo retirement income, which is not much.  We got no kids.  Something like, I will suffer only to change light bulbs -- If kids are around, they would come help this kinda small things.  I don't have those luxury.  (I need to be in a retirement home, which is not quite possible in current financial situation.)  

When I married, I thought, Knowing it, expecting it, if I marry to this husband, our marriage got to be Darn Happy one to counter-act solo-retirement.  I thought I can live with happy memory of him, during my solo retirement, till death.   

Obviously I'm not happy with his attitude.  He waits things to do till I get Really pissed.  Then he reluctantly start doing things.  This is the way he started family counseling.  It just started.  He 'fakes' in front of counselor.  During counseling session, in front of him, I told counselor 'he's behaving in front of you (counselor.)"  He's just like, "Oops!".   How can I say . . he plays 'innocent.' -- I noticed it in last couple years.     

He says he's suck with relationship/communication.  I told him, "so I need to deal with your sucking-communication skill? till your death?  I got to expect being un-happy till your death?  on top of expecting your decline in 10 to 15 years?  with no kids' support?  with no relative's support?  Are you thinking like I'm a disposable person/wife?  Is that why?  I refuse the expected un-happiness.  I rather choose divorce and take a chance to seek my self-worth and happiness.  If I fail after divorce, I got no kids, no need to support anybody, so I can end my life whenever I want."  

He avoids facing problems.  He's fair-weather person . . lately I discovered this words.  

He's not quite 65.  He's working.  Plan is, to work till 70. (<-- this is just a 'plan' tho.)  His job is 'kinda mechanic, but not quite.'  Since 10 years ago or so, I started telling him to shift toward more office work due to natural physical decline.  He kinda took my advice, I guess.  Paper work is kinda better in his age.  Also . . as everybody knows nowadays . . People tend to get demented After quit working, so he's plan is to work till 70.  <-- I'm not sure tho.   Also he states that he loves to work surrounded by 'younger folks.'  

I understand that he may want 'peace' in his age.  There are many different kinds of older people.  Some people do surfin at age 75.  I'm not expecting him to do surfin at 75, but he could go Pretty Deep with snorkel at age 63.  Physically he's somewhat 'fit.'

There must be a balance.  I cannot be as active as active 43 years old person due to this marriage with oder person.  Same goes to him.  He got to somewhat try to accomodate to younger person (me.)  When married, he used to say, "Can I dye my hair?" <-- This was so cute . . . He don't say it no more.  

Wait . . I wonder if I answered your questions?  I guess I did?  Kinda?  

Thank you for this opportunity to deeply think about what why I want divource.  

A couple weeks ago, I searched the marriage rate of big age difference couple -- Only 10% survive.  This must include 'trophy wife' marriage, which I am Not.  No wonder this marriage is not easy . .  

And, this my marriage with older guy seems pretty 'typical' in psychology -- because I lived my biological-father's verbal abuse during my childhood.  I'm paying for it everything now.  I'm facing it now.  

And you know what? -- This morning, he asked me, "How are you feeling?"  !!!!!  I Never heard such 'question with care' in . . minimum 5 years!!!  He must be learning something in the communication online course.  I thanked him for the 'question with care.'  And he {initiated} to go to a financial institution during his lunch time! . . which I've been asking for minimum a couple months.  I guess I was Pretty powerful yesterday, expressed my feelings, clearly, without any hesitation.  My daily affirmation made me this powerful-'me.'  

Actually writing this made me pretty emotional and . . Excuse me, the stories jumped around.  I don't have energy left to nicely edit my jumping-around paragraphs.  

Edited March 23, 2016 by OceanJjb
typo: die --> dye

[Natasha]

Man's brain is wired differently from that of female. Their left hemisphere (logic, abstract thinking, etc) is more dominant than the right hemisphere responsible for emotions, communication, etc. We process thinking differently. It's not that he doesn't want to do these things, he just biologically is not equipped to do emotions like us, women. The good thing is that he is willing to broaden his understanding of how you as a woman feel. Huge credit to him for trying. Working with/ around younger people also makes him feel more alive. You'll understand this once you hit 65 yourself 

Men can also naturally compartmentilize. This is actually a pretty handy mechanism to keep all the stuff in your brain more organized. Women, on the other hand, has a tendency to put all their eggs in one basket, so to speak. If one thing doesn't goes well, everything doesn't go well. Which is most of the time not the case. Once you start learning about enlightenment, you'll find out that reality is actually quite neutral and everything is just the way it is, neither good or bad. It's our ego that interprets it one way or the other. Have you watched any of Leo's Enlightenment videos yet?  

[Anicko]

@Natasha I appreciate absolutely what you have said here, and I've tried to allow what you've said to be my belief as well, but ultimately, I think the whole "men and women are just naturally different" is so full of excuses and bullshit it makes me ill. 

Ultimately, we are all this strange spirit-y awareness inside a physical body. The same. 

That false self/ego-character is nothing but a ball of lies. 

If you don't like someone, for any reason whatsoever, you should be absolutely free to have them not be a part of your reality. 

If someone is being their true self and you are as well, you will like them- naturally. If you don't like their false self, that is your right- and that doesn't matter whether you are your true self at the moment or not. 

It's so hard to explain, but ultimately I don't think anyone should feel obligated to keep another person in their life of they don't want them there. 

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@Anicko  May I ask your "judgement"? . . If you have time.  I would like to know things to be judged about myself, from the 3rd person's point of view.  I've apologized him about things I've noticed/my faults, sincerely, but that's something that { I }'ve noticed myself.  You might noticed something that I haven't noticed about me/myself, things to be judged, things that I got to apologize him.  

Sincerely appreciate it.  

Edited March 23, 2016 by OceanJjb

[Anicko]

I try incredibly hard to not judge. I can feel your pain in your writing, which was why I wrote here in the first place. It reminded me of so many women in my life, myself included. Society always likes to give us mixed messages. (I know it's true for men as well, but I am not a man). We are too weak alone, if we are alone we are worthless, we're too old or too young, we just don't understand men/men just can't understand women... So many lies. 

No one should lose themselves because of another person. Not for any reason. 

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

I started watching the Marriage/Help whatever course . . the one my husband signed up for himself last night . . . I'm still in the mid of Leo's Life Purpose course tho.  Oh well.  I do what's directed by whatever destiny or superpower or ...  

Anyway, I'm learning 'free will.'  Where I'm getting at is, "I got free will.  He got free will too.  If my free will don't meet his free will, the consequence will follow."  What I want him to do, don't coordinate with what he wants to do, that's the end.  That's the answer.  I respect his free will.  

 -- This course 'supposed to' fix marriage problem tho.  Let's see how it will turn out.  I just started.  I only have watched 1/4 of video contents at this moment.  There are some audio classes too, and 200+ pages of an eBook to read too.  

Edited March 23, 2016 by OceanJjb
For clarity

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

-- Following is the content that I was planning to post under the topic [Honest Daily Habit], and I changed my mind.  I rather post them here. -- 

 

In last couple months I'm not working.  My life now is So different than the time I used to work.  

 

- Wake up between 2am to 5 am <-- because I fall asleep very early in evening.

- Watch online course, Leo's Life Purpose Course and/or Marriage Communication Course, and/or 

- Come check this forum

- Review 'Me Sheet' of Life Purpose Course, in bathroom, anytime, once a day

- Affirmation 5 min anytime anywhere once a day  <-- *THIS IS POWERFUL.*

- Check-mark calender when I did 'Me Sheet' review and Affirmation

- Between 6:30am to 7:30am, make and drink green smoothie for a part of breakfast

- I eat whenever I feel like eating.  Lately I can go vegan cuz I'm not working, i.e., no need much energy.  

- Morning, day, afternoon, evening, night, whenever, I watch Marriage Communication Course, Leo's Life Purpose Course, come check this forum -- I try Not to watch stupid entertainment kinda YouTubes.  

- When I'm saturated, I take a nap.  

- When I'm frustrated/stressed/pissed, I tend to watch stupid entertainment kinda YouTube.  But there I'm learning many vegan recipes lately too, so it must be not too bad to browsing around YouTube?.  

- Yoga.  Especially I try to focus on Yoga when I stressed out.  

Also Meditaion is waaay easier now . . probably cuz I'm not working.  I noticed that amount/level of Monkey-chatter during meditation.  Remembering when I tried meditation before, when I was working, the monkey-chatter is Just un-controllable.  Now realized that I was Real stressed, while working.  

(Back to the list.)  

- I supposed to go out once, as recommended by my therapist . . . but I hesitate . . . cuz I'm not working now . . . going outside means to end up using money, so . . . I try to take home-made lunch with me whenever I go out.  And it's also healthier.  

- After quitting my job, in last couple months, I make dinner! every evening!  and I LOVE serving dinner!  including many trial(!) dishes.  Cooking is So Much Fun!  Seriously! . . than working & earning $ outside.  Probably I enjoy this pseudo-'house-wife' cuz I don't have kids?  Waaay less stress than working outside.  

(Anyhoo, back to the list.)  

- I take an anti-depressant after dinner.  

- After cooking/serving/eating dinner, back to Marriage Help Course and/or Life Purpose Course, and fall asleep before 9pm.  

 

Dealing with marriage issues are never easy.  but Man!  this non-working life!  . . I guess I don't mind working but . . Man!  This sense of 'control of my own time' may be addicting . . 

-- I thanked him for that.  

And also I know that I will be back to work soon / GOT TO BE working after he retired . . through his decline and death . . till my retirement.  

. . .  If this marriage survived.  

Edited March 25, 2016 by OceanJjb
for clarification

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@Natasha  My counselor said that male and female's brains are different.  I think it's more like gender difference of cultural & social expectation.  

I'm female.  I'm emotional.  I admit that.  And . . on top of it, I'm more logical/rational than him.  Guys supposed to be a 'fixer' right?  . . He isn't.  Something like . . Excuse me for the abstract tho.  For example, I say like, "The reason why I do {this} is because of {this}.  If we don't do {this} now, eventually {this} gonna happen, that's why we got to do {this}.  If you have better idea/suggestion, I'm very open!" . . and he agrees my rationale . . and HE DON'T FOLLOW UP . . like "I forgot!" . . which stress me out . . over time, Pisses me off.  Enough is Enough.  

Yup he started the Marriage Help course.  Yesterday morning, he was nice.  This morning . . !?!?!?  back to his original.  I'm like, I'm seriously sick of this life.  If I asked about it, he'll be like "I forgot!" . . . I don't know . . . I think I'm really tired.  Hopeless.  Draining.  

Lately he got an yearly pay raise.  Just 2 point something %.  Not much.  but better than no raise.  The company he works do CRAZY lay-off time to time . . and he's been surviving the lay-off.  Amazing.  It's Obvious that he's not doing his "I forgot!" at work.  If he were doing "I forgot!", he would have been cut-off from the company.  

So, my conclusion is, he's taking Very light of me.  He thinks that it's okay to ignore me.  <-- I wrote this kinda thing in last reply.  Excuse me.  

In your words, he 'compartmentilize' me and his work.  And he work on his work, and ignores me.  WTF!?!?  Oh I'm tired...  

Yes I binge watched Leo's video before starting Life Purpose course.  I watched Enlightenment videos too.  And, as you can see, obviously I'm not in That level.  Enlightenment-work is for somebody who already achieved something in their lives, right?  Obviously I'm not one of them.  Thank you @Natasha  for reminding me about enlightenment work tho.  I wonder when I can reach the level . . . 

Edited March 24, 2016 by OceanJjb
reduced unnecessary lines/spaces at the end.

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@Anicko

23 hours ago, Anicko said:

I think the whole "men and women are just naturally different" is so full of excuses and bullshit it makes me ill. 

I kind of get it.  I think that the cultural/social pressure is the one which makes male/female difference in dealing with / facing the problems.  

23 hours ago, Anicko said:

If someone is being their true self and you are as well, you will like them- naturally.

I agree.  I sense that he's faking, though he says he's not faking.  I even told him that I'm posting my problem here on this forum.  I showed him my posts along with people's replies once before, because I sensed that he's not quite grasping how serious I am.  

23 hours ago, Anicko said:

We are too weak alone, if we are alone we are worthless, we're too old or too young, we just don't understand men/men just can't understand women... So many lies. 

I had a couple of deep breaths reading your above comment.  You must have been gone through some difficult times yourself.  Women are still 2nd class, and we got to live the lives.  

Thank you @Anicko sincerely for your comments.  

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

According to the Marriage Help course, being 'critical' is bad in marriage.

. . . Really!?!?  { Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness } is my #2 Strength in Authentic Happiness Character Strengths tho!?!?  <-- Yes this is from Leo's Life Purpose Course.  

I just can't do things if the things don't make sense.  

Does that mean, I'm not the 'marriage material' . . ?  

Oh well.  I just finished only half of their video course (Marriage Help Course.)  Half more to go.  And other audio & eBook are not done yet.  Let's see how things go for me.  

And, He's the one who bought this Marriage Help course for him tho?  And I'm watching it more instead of him!?!?  . . . yeah cuz I'm not working now.  

Actually I supposed to finish Leo's course tho?  but this marriage problem kicked in in the middle of the Leo's course.  That's why.  ok.  back to my business.  all right.  

Edited March 25, 2016 by OceanJjb
for clarification

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

I got to list husband's good characters and I got to praise him, 12 times a day.  This is kinda like to input subconscious mind with affirmation, in Leo's course?  He would think I got creepy when I started praising him suddenly.    

-- adding below -- 

"Ask God.  Pray." . . waita min.  I aint christian tho?  Sigh . . 

"Whether if you are making effort or not." <-- This I agree him with him. <-- Him means the presenter of Marriage Help Course Video.  I'm sick and tired of looking at husband not making enough effort.  That's right.  

"If you make effort, it will come back!  Trust God!" . . . Oh Really!?!?  I even changed my career 15 years ago, to accomodate to this age difference marriage tho??  And what I get is his frequent "Oh I forgot!"attitude!?!?  . . Thus, I'm lost.  

I wish I knew that changing career was the starting point of codependency . . 15 years ago.  I'm / I was just so stupid.  

Now he (video presenter) saying, "Karma."  -- The reason why I changed my career was cuz I married way older person.  The reason why I married him was he said he wanted to marry me.  The reason why I married this person was, the reason why I didn't pick and choose was, my biological father used to tell me, "You are ugly so nobody want to marry you." <-- I believed that.  cuz I'd been conditioned that way.  I didn't have any confidence.  Still I suffer with low self esteem.  Karma? . . why I was born ugly then?  I didn't choose to be born ugly, and picked and bullied by my bio-father.  Victim-mindset don't get me nowhere.  I know that.  

Then, so, I read a book a couple months ago, recommended by my therapist:  There are things that I cannot change, just got to accept it.  

The only way to get out from this stupid cycle was, I thought, to be enlighten.  That's right.  There, my journey started.  And, but, my reality didn't just let me focus on enlightenment.  I got to go through life purpose work again, cuz I may want to adjust my job, back to what I used to do 15 years ago, cuz, my Zone of Genius is still there in the field of my former career, which I gave up 15 years ago.    

And then relationship problem kicked in.  Now on Marriage Help Course, the one husband signed up for.  Then, it's for him.  Why am I doing it now?  Goooosh.  

I thought there must be something that I can learn in the course too.  It cost $375!  Ain't cheap!  (Here I sound cheap?  lol.)  Might as well do it!  That's why.  I also wanted to know how he gonna respond to the program.  

Edited March 25, 2016 by OceanJjb
cuz dont want to reply and make unnecessary new post, and for clarity.

[Natasha]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

I watched 'Cause of All Trouble.'  The only way to live without suffering is to eliminate ego completely.  I've been sensing that, so I started watching Leo's videos.  

If I continue my current marriage, I got to accept to see husband's decline and death, and live lone retirement.  That's the consequence of my 'Karma.'  

Watching 'When Doubt and Confusion Arise,' . . . I don't know . . . at the end, I felt like crying.  "You don't feel like it's okay, but it's a big okay."  Some kind of 'natural law' will lead me to wherever I supposed to go.  One of my chanting(?) affirmation(?) has been:  "I listen to nature and open to what it brings in me."  

I wonder this my sense of 'fighting against my past & the consequence' must be somewhat 'planned' by 'natural law,' I guess?  Oh c'mon!  <-- This self-talk is also 'planned' too?  . . . oh am I getting anywhere?  lol  

Oh well.  Back to my current business of, watching Marriage Help course.  <-- I guess this is somewhat 'planned by natural law.'  ok.  

Thank you @Natasha for the Mooji's vids!  They pulled me out from my domestic problem for 20 min & changed my mood.  

[Natasha]

@OceanJjb I listen to Mooji all the time. There's not a single video of his that I didn't find helpful. His teachings are very insightful and peaceful, they help restore that inner balance once again. 

I don't think completely eliminating ego is necessary. You can still live and enjoy life, while always being aware of what your true nature is. That's where self-actualization and enlightenment work can go hand-in-hand. Trying to neglect one or the other can result in very unbalanced life. 

Here's a simple and fun presentation on enlightenment, and I like his humor

 

 

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

 . . I'm watching Marriage Help course . . 

'Victim of my mind' -- Yup I am.  Release myself from there.   

'Silent treatment' <-- That's it!!  That's what he does!!  I didn't know how to call it till now.  

'Silent treatment' . . was one kind of sarcasm . .  I do 'straight' sarcasm, which I shouldn't but . . oh well, I needed to say something to fight back to him . . 

'Silent treatment' -->  'consider themselves as victims . . like, "I can't talk to (him/her) now . . hurts my feeling . . " --> 'Silent treatment' --> "I'm hurt.  What can I say?" --> is a form of 'tool' for punishment.  What the person saying without saying anything at all is: "You are not worthy of me responding to you" "No matter what I say, you gonna take wrong, so I'm not saying nothing to you."  --> Excuses for bad communication, which is not okay.  In the situation, when you do 'silent treatment,' the punishment, you say "I'm sorry."  <-- !!!!  THIS WHAT I EXACTLY TOLD HIM TO SAY!!!  <-- Of course he didn't say 'I'm sorry.'  

The 'I'm sorry' is the one of 'I'm sorry I'm not ready to go on at this moment but I love you.'  

. . this is [#31 Sarcasm] part of [Marriage Help course] at the marriagefoundation.org  <-- Nope I'm not advertising or nothing.  Just put here as reference.  

. . but also I know that I'm a part of problem.   

Edited March 25, 2016 by OceanJjb
cuz I don't want to add as new entry.