Awakening - Strange "I dont care" self-confidence

[Nadosa]

Last days, I have been experiencing, especially in social interactions, this "I dont care" mindset, meaning my conversations were just flowing like water, no thoughts, just being, people noticed (thought I was drunk or high), because actually Ive been very depressed and known to be an introvert, but awakening causes me to depersonalize from struggle and just be. It is like I can transform from one moment to another into a self-confident person and it attracts LOTS of people, especially girls. Sometimes I feel so strange, because I realized this very strong impermanence of my form. Thinking and judging about it makes me kind of depressed.

On the other hand, struggles are still real, I dont really know how to integrate awakening into my life as "form", relationships as "I" dont make sense when I think about it and there are times where I suddenly feel very hopeless. Especially when I leave out a meditation session and triggers go off unconsciously.

Edited August 13, 2018 by Nadosa

[WindInTheLeaf]

Contemplate on what is 'my life'. You might see that it is a collection of stories, thought-loops. Now you don't need to abandon all of them, but those that are no longer beneficial, those that have a foundation of fear rather than love, should be allowed to disappear. 

Thinking and judging about it brings you out of the thoughtless state that makes everything flow with ease. Contemplate why you think and judge at those moments when you think and judge, although it pulls you back into the darkness/depression. Whenever you feel tired/down/sad, it is a good time to sit down and reflect/meditate in solitude. When everything seems to flow, and you are full of energy, you don't think, but if your foundation for thoughtless action is still full of contradictions, you'll end up running your head into the same wall again and again. Remember to find stillness in the flowing state, and not forget the side of you that needs some peace and quiet - this becomes increasingly important the further you get as the ego goes from a yell to a whisper. The closer you get the more sophisticated the traps of ego becomes, as it adapts to your newfound insights. 

This is all food for the wheel of ego, so don't cling to these useless words. You know in your heart what is right in the present moment, and you are already well on your way to lose your mind, so just let it happen as it will when you let yourself be.

[Nadosa]

Lose my mind? How can I lose my mind?

Thanks for your words :-)

[non_nothing]

 

[WindInTheLeaf]

4 hours ago, Nadosa said:

Lose my mind? How can I lose my mind?

Thanks for your words :-)

Know those moments when you lose your self in it? When you get completely immersed in what is happening and your mind goes quiet. In a sense you experience a momentarily thought-less, transcendent state in a way, where you and the environment for a time is one. Doing what you love doing, and loving what you are doing, is a way of losing the ego, as the trouble-shooter will slowly seize when there are no more troubles for it to trouble-shoot.

[Nadosa]

Yeah, I was just troubled by the term "losing" your mind. You can't lose your mind

[WindInTheLeaf]

1 minute ago, Nadosa said:

Yeah, I was just troubled by the term "losing" your mind. You can't lose your mind

 I have trouble making the distinction between ego and 'my mind', i dont know where to draw the line.

[Sashaj]

4 hours ago, WindInTheLeaf said:

 I have trouble making the distinction between ego and 'my mind', i dont know where to draw the line.

If you knew where to draw the line how would you draw it?

[Gabriel Antonio]

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spiritual_bypass

Looks like you got some spiritual bypassing going... 

It doesn’t seem like you are “awake” (whatever that means). It seems you are just being indifferent... 

Here’s my guess: Because the emotional pain is too much to bear, you numb yourself out from life as a denfense mechanism.

Ring true?

[Nadosa]

Hm, I dont really feel numb though. Oftentimes it is really kind of letting go of the suffering for a moment, but you have the underlying feeling that it isn't resolved. So what to do? I dont really see any help in therapy which is based on desires etc. So I use spirituality. I dont feel numb, but enjoy the presence.

Edited August 14, 2018 by Nadosa

[dorg]

On 8/14/2018 at 2:17 AM, Nadosa said:

Last days, I have been experiencing, especially in social interactions, this "I dont care" mindset, meaning my conversations were just flowing like water, no thoughts, just being, people noticed (thought I was drunk or high), because actually Ive been very depressed and known to be an introvert, but awakening causes me to depersonalize from struggle and just be. It is like I can transform from one moment to another into a self-confident person and it attracts LOTS of people, especially girls. Sometimes I feel so strange, because I realized this very strong impermanence of my form. Thinking and judging about it makes me kind of depressed.

On the other hand, struggles are still real, I dont really know how to integrate awakening into my life as "form", relationships as "I" dont make sense when I think about it and there are times where I suddenly feel very hopeless. Especially when I leave out a meditation session and triggers go off unconsciously.

Reread what you have said here. You already know how to be integral/whole/un-split (no words capture this, they only obscure it); it is effortless, as you have illustrated. It is only ego (what/who you think you are) that wants to integrate what is already integral.

Watch when you go into thought. Isn't it only fear that prompts this?

[Gabriel Antonio]

15 hours ago, Nadosa said:

Oftentimes it is really kind of letting go of the suffering for a moment, but you have the underlying feeling that it isn't resolved. So what to do?

Seems like you are withdrawing from the situation...

The key is to develop equanimity. It does NOT mean “I don’t give a fuck about anything.”

Instead, equanimity is being fully present, but not allowing yourself to get carried away by the random circunstances of life...

Easier said than done...

 

15 hours ago, Nadosa said:

I dont really see any help in therapy which is based on desires etc.

Lol, what type of therapy is based on desires? I didn’t understand you here...

 

15 hours ago, Nadosa said:

I dont feel numb, but enjoy the presence.

Are you really enjoying the moment, or is it a distorted enjoyment?

[Nadosa]

My therapist often tries finding ways through finding the right job or a girlfriend etc..

I dont know if it is distorted. It just is as it is. Maybe it is just a worthwile break from suffering? I actually try to face the pain whenever I have the time.

As soon as I take suffering and pain personally, it is quite overwhelming . As soon as I take it impersonally, it vanishes.

Edited August 15, 2018 by Nadosa