Problem with noise

[triadne]

I'm feeling really anxious lately because I don't know when my neighbour is going to slam their door.
I've tried speaking to them and they did try being careful closing it but then when they got visitors it was the same issue again.
I've tried approaching them again but they ended up yelling at me and slamming the door in my face.
Their door is 3 feet directly in front of my front door and I'm now scared to go in my hall. I wear earplugs in my flat all the time.

I can't move, I'm at the bottom of the financial ladder and rely on social security.  I am working on changing that btw.

I need to figure out how i can ignore the noise and not feel anxious about it.  I've had issues with noise for almost 10 years and this issue seems to be following me. I think it may stem from having had my sleep disturbed by it and developing anxiety and depression from loss of sleep.
I understand that I am holding on to a bit of victim mindset here, but I am not sure how to go about changing this. I feel like if I hear this loud bang, then it puts me on edge and I feel anger inside or hopelessness or some other strong emotion.  I don't know if it's possible to have a really loud bang happen near you and not feel some strong emotion?  at least not in your own home. a place of work maybe. 

Edited August 12, 2018 by triadne
typo

[Psyche_92]

Call the cops.

[FakeEnlightenment]

@triadne

5 hours ago, triadne said:

 

I need to figure out how i can ignore the noise and not feel anxious about it.  I've had issues with noise for almost 10 years and this issue seems to be following me. 

I think this is pretty normal to be highly irritated by this because you don't know when it's going to happen. Especially if your meditating sitting in silence or something like that. Part of the anger might be stemming from not having control over the situation and not knowing when the door might slam. I had a similar situation where my family member would constantly be whistling really loudly, and it bugged me so much. I realized I needed to accept that I can't control it, and fully embrace the sound whenever I hear it. What you're doing when it gets you mad is fighting the present moment and reality, accept the present moment and let the noise be. If it's disrupting you sleep I would play some white noise or something and wear earplugs which it seems you already are.

Next time the door slams, just try to remain clam and monitor your reaction to it. Don't judge it, but just watch your reaction to it slamming. It can be a test of self control, try not to let it anger you for that moment. 

[triadne]

thanks for the advice.

it seems it is unreasonable behaviour.  I think I should keep in mind that if it does get worse or if the loud bangs continue, I need to contact the council. they are a council tenant same as me. 

Quote

2. You are responsible for the behaviour of every person (including children) living in or visiting your home. You are responsible for their behaviour in your home, on nearby land, in shared areas, in the estate area around your home or on any of our premises.

3. You and the people you are responsible for must not cause or be likely to cause a nuisance to, or annoy or distress anyone.

looking at this, it seems if my neighbour continues to slam the door after I've told them that it is a major issue, they are in breach of their tenancy.

 

anyhow, I will try what you say, to accept the present moment.  I appreciate it.

[ajasatya]

@triadne make videos. record audios. collect data that will serve you when you call the cops.

[triadne]

Thanks for the tip, but unfortunately in the UK, police don't deal with this kind of thing unless it is between 11pm and 7am.
It's useful if you work all the hours and aren't in your house in the day or evening, and only between 11 and 7 to sleep.

Honestly, I think our laws need to be modified , but for the moment that is the way it is.

[Ingit]

@triadne I had this same issue of getting irritated from last 1 and a half year when my room mates in dormitory used to disturb me while sleeping and that affected me so much that Now I react to someone who disturbs me during sleep a little sound would irritate me... But I’m working on it... I also sometimes get angry at my mom evermorning she will come near my room as I get disturb even at little sounds made...But That all is just a conditioning I did when my bad friends used to disturb me... Now adays Im working on myself meditating. Visuoaizing and doing stuff that will make me even better... Meditation is the best...i love mediating now... everything will be again fine and better...as it was before ????

[XYZ]

I am in a similar situation, sleeping in the living room of an apartment and dealing with constant noise disturbances from all sides (outside the apartment, from the building hallway, other people in the apartment, and the wall with the next apartment), and mitigating the anxiety that comes with it- no way to relocate anytime soon either. I will share some things I do to cope with it. 

First of all recognize that any emotional reaction to disturbing or unpleasant noises is a large part of it. Yes you may be able to improve the situation by taking some measures to physically tune it out or get it to stop, but you will have to accept this suffering as a part of life, and separate the experience of hearing noise, or not getting enough sleep, from you internal reality. Having this sort of stoic Buddhist approach to the whole thing is really my only option, for what good does it do to allow myself to feel distressed, angry or depressed? I don't attach any value to it, sounds are sounds, sleep is sleep, so is 'involuntary wakefulness.' This attitude alone allows me to more easily resume sleep after interruption.

Firstly I made sure I got the most comfortable mattress and bedding possible, so I can be totally relaxed and super cozy in bed. Much easier to fall asleep initially and resume sleep, and even I can't sleep at the moment, fell to comfortable to be frustrated about it. If you're a side sleeper like me don't be afraid to use mattress toppers and body pillows, they've done wonders for my quality of sleep.

While sleeping I keep all the windows closed tightly, no matter how it it is, put on white noise such as the sound of rain, and foam earplugs. It took a few tries to find earplugs that fit comfortably enough I don't notice them but snugly enough to block out most noise. I then set the white noise just loud enough to hear it softly with one ear on the pillow and the other facing up with an earplug in securely, so that the white noise covers up other things which are unpleasant to hear or cause me to wake up. Right now I also use a fan on high setting because I have no air conditioning, and the sound of the fan, combined with the rain noise, and muffled by the earplug may also be helping. Regardless of how well I sleep I do wake up a few times, and instinctively need to switch sides, and thus switch the earplug too, the fall asleep again very quickly. Don't get flustered if this happens, as I've learned it's normal for people to have few sleep, interruptions during the night, and you might still experience that if you slept in the perfect bed amidst perfect silence.

After waking up, and basically the entire time I am at home, I am always listening to music- or making it, watching a video, etc, since it drowns out sounds like doors slamming, dogs barking and people yelling outside. I never been a fan of silent mediation, I do breath mediation to a track, super deep breathing exercises, or chant mantra, all of these do wonders for cultivating deep inner peace. Even just passionately chanting AUM transforms me instantly, and I'm far less reactive on all fronts.

One more thing is I always like to keep cold-brew coffee on hand. Or equally strong tea if you prefer. Sometimes I don't get enough sleep, for whatever reason, and am still tired. But it's already 8AM or later and my body won't let me fall back asleep even if I have the time. At this point using benign stimulants like coffee and tea helps me get out of the languishing mood to the point where I feel energetic enough to do some meditations and go through the rest of my day no feeling groggy. And this actually helps me sleep better the next day, since I've found that being too tired in the evening actually leads to less restful sleep than winding down within an hour of being ready for bed. 

Hopefully some of this helps and I'm not just being self-referential.

[triadne]

see on see, thanks, I have done this, but now there is a different issue.
the noise has not happened since that time when it got really bad, but I don't know when it will happen again. I am scared to go in my hall because it feels like an unsafe environment.  i am scared to use my bathroom as it is right next to my front door. 
I feel scared like this because I don't see that the automatic door closer has been fixed and I am scared that at any moment, somebody could go through it and forget to stop it from slamming. I feel like if I go to the council, they won't do anything.  even though I have been full of anxiety.

I now close my bedroom door so I feel easier sleeping. it's not perfect but it's getting better.  my problem is general anxiety because I just don't feel safe. I think I would feel better if I just knew that the door was not ever going to slam even by accident.  but after I tried to talk to the neighbour last time and was met with so much hostility, I don't feel like i can ask them to fix it. I think they already said they were going to fix it but I can't see any evidence of it.

 

ingit, yes I think we had the same source of the problem. the issues with noise just grew and grew over time, since about 10 years ago.

 

xyz, I really empathise with you. this sounds like it's quite bad. I wear earplugs all the time in my flat as a habit.  this amount of noise is wrong in my opinion. I don't think human's are supposed to live like this.

[XYZ]

Indeed, the apartment building and neighborhood I'm in just seems to get more noisy with every passing year. Learned to cope by setting up as comfortable a sleep environment as I can manage and making changes so I'm not easily disturbed by noise- basically earplugs and white noise at sleep time, and always drown out unpleasant sounds with my speakers during the rest of the time I am at home and awake. Actually I have had that habit for 3-4 years, since I once had some bad tinnitus. Having music on all the time helped me cope with the tinnitus, and even when that was no longer an issue, found I'm actually in a way better mood when music is constantly playing at home.

But it sounds like, for you the anxiety over the noise is more of a problem than the noise itself. Certainly, if there are means available you should write a complaint to the the manager about maintenance issues or other tenants making unreasonable noise. It's usually never a good idea to confront neighbours directly, as they may take it to be a personal affront. Regardless, you should not let the possibility of disturbances affect your mood, make you anxious or hard to fall asleep. For me I've had to deal with the reality that I could be woken up at any moment for so long that it's something I no longer worry about at all, I just go to bed when my body is ready, grateful for any sleep that will come, grateful for the rare times I'm able to actually sleep in and feel so refreshed coffee isn't even necessary. And overcoming anxiety about my living situation has allowed me to get much better quality sleep, even though it sometimes isn't enough, or as long as I'd like.

By the way I took that picture of my bed after receiving a replacement cover for the topper last month. Not trying to market or show off, just seemed relevant to the topic.

[XYZ]

Sounds really snakey, and your post reminds me of the PUA stuff. I don't think you should take getting neighbors to mind their noise the same way you go about picking up women or selling cars. Not sure how it is in the UK or what the specifics of OP's situation are, but where I am in the US it's generally frowned upon to bother other residents in an apartment complex. For some reason the dynamic is very different than between homeowners with houses next to each other, or at least how it's portrayed on television, randomly knocking on each others; doors to borrow a teapot or something.

If you have a problem you first talk to the building manager, but if you have to go direct, be polite and understanding, since you may have to live next to this person for who knows how long. Don't want to get on people's bad sides- don't shit where you eat. If you rub them the wrong way or they see through your attempts at manipulating them, they could purposely make things worse for you, I guess for OP that would be intentionally slamming the door loudly whenever it closes. Sounds like they already got pissed off at him though, so at this point its past the possibility for polite dialogue, and just call the manager or police.

If it is a lawless anarchy over there though and no one will help, one thing I would do if I was in that situation is ask if you can glue on some kind of rubber or foam buffer to the edge of the door so it won't slam when closed, demonstrating on your door to show them.

 

 

[XYZ]

I used the words think and should in the sense that escalting these types of conflicts tends to backfire badly in real life, not as a personal value judgment. I don't take myself so seriously, but telling someone apply to PUA tricks and social manipulation tactics to a simple dispute with a neighbor they have no relationship with, even asserting right off the bat that it's "The only real way to get around this issue" suggests you take yourself way too seriously, that is a value judgment on my part. My gander is that you rely heavily on algorithms that serve you well in important areas of your life, like business, but also project them onto situations where cooperation, not competition, is the more realistic method of solving a problem.

From personal experience, there have been many issues in my apartment building over the years which were easily handled by talking to a neighbor or calling the manager. You seem to view things only in terms of exerting power and forcing others to submit to one's influence. Have you ever heard of diplomacy and mediation? Now after reading the rest of your replies, I'd guess you're probably inclined to pigeonhole the concepts of diplomacy and mediation into a stage of spiral dynamics. Again, that would be tkaing yourself, and that model, way too seriously, applying black and white thinking to grey realities, like people who have to live amongst each other finding ways to get along peacably.

[XYZ]

I write in an emotionally neutral analytical style.  What you seem to be doing is filtering plain text and concept emphasis through your own emotional projections and cocksure attitude. 

Dissecting your reasoning was intended to humble your ego, so you can be objective, take a step back and think like a rational problem-solver. But as I thought might happen in the worst-case-scenario, you take everything as a personal attack and reply with even more arrogant shitposting. I thought this was a self-actualization forum, not 4chan...

Done.

[XYZ]

1 hour ago, Feel Good said:

@XYZ You've got a fragile ego. I can tell.

I'll indulge you one last time. I really don't care what you believe about me or yourself. But if you go back and re-read my comments without viewing them as egocentric, nor emotionally reacting to them, maybe the filters will come off more and you will have better understanding.

One thing that did occur to me recently is that extroverts may view any kind of detailed analysis as an emotional reaction, since they themselves would only delve so deeply into a subject if they were emotionally invested, agitated and worked up about it. For me as an introvert I am always in contemplative thought, mindful of the difference between critical thinking and emotional reaction, so this kind of writing flows naturally and effortlessly. Perhaps this is why people ascribe all sorts of non-existent emotional frustration to my forum posts, emails and youtube comments.

It's just puzzling how I can express myself from a place that feels so calm and detatched from my perspective, but others will read it and get angry angry angry, or assume that's the way I feel.

Well this has veered way off the original thread topic...