Wife wants to be with a woman

[Popeye]

Been married 18 yrs and together 22. She has mentioned she would like to be with a girl a few times in the past but now the time has come. She wants it to be a 1 time thing. I'm not sure how I feel about sharing the woman I love. I feel like she might like that better than this

[Leo Gura]

Lol, you got yourself a keeper

It's like you're complaining about having found a giant diamond on the sidewalk.

[blazed]

Of course you found yourself a keeper, God forbid loyalty or classic marriage, whilst your at it why not go do some gay sex of your own, otherwise your not open minded enough.  /faceplam

[Leo Gura]

P.S. If you work on making yourself a great man, she will never want to leave you. In fact, being less possessive of her will make her love you more.

It's like reverse psychology.

If you are a weak man who isn't working on improving himself, then yes, she might leave you from something more exciting.

She doesn't really want another girl, she wants more passion, excitement, adventure. So give her more of that. You want that too.

The whole point of a relationship is to grow and explore together. That's what keeps it from getting stale.

[Emerald]

Well, I actually wouldn't worry too much about her preferring the woman over you. That probably won't happen.

I'm bisexual, and I've been in two long term relationships with men; one lasting four years and my current one which has been going on for eight years. And I've been very fortunate that they've both been open with me and have allowed me to have experiences with women if I wanted to. Now, I've never had any extramarital sexual experiences with women. But it's important to me to have the option to because (with my two long-term relationships) I haven't really been single since I was 16 years old, so that has left me very little time to experience the other half of my sexuality.

And if I were committed to a man who was very against me experimenting with a woman, then I would feel very stifled. I would feel like being with him would mean I would have to die to that part of myself. 

But even if I did decided to have that kind of experience with a woman, I know that I wouldn't leave my husband for her. In fact, if I felt that it was a genuine threat to the stability of my marriage, I wouldn't do it. I would just do it for the experience and the excitement of it and to experience an under-explored aspect of my sexuality. I would imagine that's probably why your wife wants to be with a woman, as that would be quite common. It would be significantly less common for her to actually want something serious with the woman. 

But of course, if it is something that makes you really uncomfortable, I recommend expressing that to her and talking to her about it.

But I have to empathize with her, because I know it would be very difficult to be in a situation where I would have to think, "Unless I cheat and lie, I will NEVER be with a woman as long as I am with my partner." This would murder me on the inside. Just knowing that I can, and that my husband is okay with it, relieves so much tension.

[blazed]

@Popeye

I want to add no one here can give you a better answer than your own contemplation to this problem, your going to get personal or generic responses, only you know yourself and your wife well, and your asking a matter of the heart question here not a math or logical problem.

At the end of the day if everyone said it's fine don't worry about it but your heart didn't feel the same way you will suffer a broken heart on your wife having a sexual relationship with another.

Some ppl are are better suited for open relationships and other's more to classical (personally I find greedy people are able to make up any excuse to be greedy, first world problems, ppl would be content with one sexual partner if bullets were flying over their heads, instead of having enormous amount of boredom to contemplate who their next sex is going to be with).

You're going to have to decide for yourself and speak to her about it.  There are consequences to no matter what you choose.

[aurum]

16 hours ago, Popeye said:

She wants it to be a 1 time thing. I'm not sure how I feel about sharing the woman I love. I feel like she might like that better than this

You gotta take off the handcuffs man. Let it happen.

6 hours ago, blazed said:

God forbid loyalty

Loyalty is not what you think it is. It's highly selfish.

What happens is that people use "loyalty" as a power tool to serve their own needs. By saying that someone is disloyal, you can shame them into compliance.

Be loyal to your country! So that you will serve the military and get killed.

Be loyal to your spouse! So that you won't fuck other people and leave them.

Be loyal to your family! Because families are a group of people who get together to serve each others needs.

So on so forth.

I'm not saying there aren't times where being loyal is a good idea. But you always have to ask yourself: whose plan am I on?

Am I on my plan?

Or am I on someone else's plan?

With loyalty shaming, it's someone else's plan. They're getting something out of you.

[blazed]

1 hour ago, aurum said:

You gotta take off the handcuffs man. Let it happen.

Loyalty is not what you think it is. It's highly selfish.

What happens is that people use "loyalty" as a power tool to serve their own needs. By saying that someone is disloyal, you can shame them into compliance.

Be loyal to your country! So that you will serve the military and get killed.

Be loyal to your spouse! So that you won't fuck other people and leave them.

Be loyal to your family! Because families are a group of people who get together to serve each others needs.

So on so forth.

I'm not saying there aren't times where being loyal is a good idea. But you always have to ask yourself: whose plan am I on?

Am I on my plan?

Or am I on someone else's plan?

With loyalty shaming, it's someone else's plan. They're getting something out of you.

I understand what you're saying but I'm not talking about loyalty used as manipulation. That's just bad people doing what they do best.

Without loyalty all you have is liars, cheaters, and backstabbers. The opposite of loyalty is far worse.

Loyalty is about playing fair, just think of a boardgame, when everyone plays they should be loyal to the rules for the sake of the game.

Discipline is the most important tool in the world, the westerner life style people have the highest amount of divorce, and bouncing around, getting bored easily,  etc. Completely ADHD

No one can accomplish thier life purpose without immense loyalty to it, for example.

Also if you made a choice to marry someone, said all those wedding vows, and had kids and then suddenly you want to leave because your "bored" or "need new experiences" that's a way more selfish act than being loyal.

 

[Aimblack]

@blazed You don't actually understand what he said. He is saying that at the most fundamental level loyalty is manipulation. There is no loyalty that isn't manipulation. You seem to be conflating commitment with loyalty. I can be very committed to the rules of a game (ie. making sure to uphold them) but not be loyal at all  (ie. being open to the changing of rules or even being open to dropping all the rules for instance when I'm playing with a little kid).

I can be committed to a life purpose but I can also change or drop a life purpose if there is legitimately a better life purpose for me around.

Edited August 12, 2018 by Aimblack

[blazed]

1 hour ago, Aimblack said:

@blazed You don't actually understand what he said. He is saying that at the most fundamental level loyalty is manipulation. There is no loyalty that isn't manipulation. You seem to be conflating commitment with loyalty. I can be very committed to the rules of a game (ie. making sure to uphold them) but not be loyal at all  (ie. being open to the changing of rules or even being open to dropping all the rules for instance when I'm playing with a little kid).

I can be committed to a life purpose but I can also change or drop a life purpose if there is legitimately a better life purpose for me around.

loyalty

ˈlɔɪəlti/

noun

noun: loyalty

the quality of being loyal.

"his extreme loyalty to the Crown"

a strong feeling of support or allegiance.

plural noun: loyalties

"rows with in-laws are distressing because they cause divided loyalties"

synonyms:allegiance, faithfulness, fidelity, obedience, fealty, adherence, homage, devotion, bond;

trueness, true-heartedness;

steadfastness, fastness, staunchness, dependability, reliability, trustiness, trustworthiness, duty, constancy, dedication, commitment;

firmness, stability, steadiness;

patriotism;

archaictroth.

------

You can be completely and utterly loyal to someone or something without any manipulation from the other. I'm sorry you only have witness loyalty as a manipulation, and see it as such.

[aurum]

1 hour ago, Aimblack said:

You don't actually understand what he said. He is saying that at the most fundamental level loyalty is manipulation

Yeah you definitely got it. Or you could also say that the way in which we use loyalty tends to be manipulation.

2 hours ago, blazed said:

No one can accomplish thier life purpose without immense loyalty to it, for example.

Also if you made a choice to marry someone, said all those wedding vows, and had kids and then suddenly you want to leave because your "bored" or "need new experiences" that's a way more selfish act than being loyal.

No one is saying that loyalty or commitment isn't necessary at times. I attempted to make that clear in my original post.

The reason I went on that rant was because the way I interpreted you talking about loyalty was moralization.

In other words, OP and his wife shouldn't have a threesome even if they both want it, because loyalty is important. Classic moralization.

[blazed]

4 minutes ago, aurum said:

Yeah you definitely got it. Or you could also say that the way in which we use loyalty tends to be manipulation.

No one is saying that loyalty or commitment isn't necessary at times. I attempted to make that clear in my original post.

The reason I went on that rant was because the way I interpreted you talking about loyalty was moralization.

In other words, OP and his wife shouldn't have a threesome even if they both want it, because loyalty is important. Classic moralization.

The way OP worded his post his wife wants to be with another women, he's excluded. It's not a threesome he can agree to.

If it's a threesome, then I misunderstood, Sorry my bad... He could have clarified that better.

Edited August 12, 2018 by blazed

[ChimpBrain]

My wife has some bisexual leanings too. I've told her I'm totally open to her experiencing other women both physically and emotionally. I told her that a few years ago when the topic first came up and nothing ever came of it but I think that's about to change. She's met a gay girl she really vibes with and they've been hitting the gym together and going out for drinks occasionally. I still feel ok with the situation personally. I *would* have a harder time being so accepting if her desire was to be with other men because egos gonna ego lol. Although ideally we would work toward a space with enough trust, openness and honesty that men wouldn't be an issue either. 

 

I don't know why I'm posting this other than that I'm going through something similar and hope my openness to the reality that women are often bisexual will help you to be stop resisting it too. Good luck! Let us know how it goes. 

[Popeye]

So she finally met this woman and my wife knew in the first 5 min she was a 1 man woman. The woman was overly aggressive toward her and made her feel very uncomfortable. Might of been different if other woman was more innocent but she was a predator from what my wife told me. Thanks everyone 

[Michael569]

@Popeye good that you let it happen. She knows that she did not miss on much and she saw that you were cool with her exploring other "areas". Probably a good relationship strengthening experience. 

Next time she comes back with this, tell her you want to participate

[Nahm]

On 8/11/2018 at 7:25 PM, Leo Gura said:

P.S. If you work on making yourself a great man, she will never want to leave you. In fact, being less possessive of her will make her love you more.

It's like reverse psychology.

If you are a weak man who isn't working on improving himself, then yes, she might leave you from something more exciting.

She doesn't really want another girl, she wants more passion, excitement, adventure. So give her more of that. You want that too.

The whole point of a relationship is to grow and explore together. That's what keeps it from getting stale.

Pure Source right there?❤️

[Popeye]

On 8/11/2018 at 7:25 PM, Leo Gura said:

P.S. If you work on making yourself a great man, she will never want to leave you. In fact, being less possessive of her will make her love you more.

It's like reverse psychology.

If you are a weak man who isn't working on improving himself, then yes, she might leave you from something more exciting.

She doesn't really want another girl, she wants more passion, excitement, adventure. So give her more of that. You want that too.

The whole point of a relationship is to grow and explore together. That's what keeps it from getting stale.

5 hours ago, Nahm said:

Pure Source right there?❤️

I am working on being a better man as I have some confidence and jealousy issues but our sex life is extraordinary...always has been. I consider myself to be the luckiest man to be married to her...she is everything a man could want and then some. After all of this, She gave me a new wed ring symbolizing that she will never cheat on me.

Edited August 16, 2018 by Popeye

[Arkandeus]

@Emerald

Quote

And if I were committed to a man who was very against me experimenting with a woman, then I would feel very stifled. I would feel like being with him would mean I would have to die to that part of myself. 

you are also open to your man exploring with other women?

[Arkandeus]

im gonna share my opinion and not really say that I disagree, but

but in the scope of my personal relations I wouldn't be ok with this

especially if she wants to explore alone without me being involved

 

 

Edited August 17, 2018 by Arkandeus

[UDT]

On 12/08/2018 at 1:25 AM, Leo Gura said:

The whole point of a relationship is to grow and explore together. That's what keeps it from getting stale

Amen.