Difficulties letting go of the story

[Jordan94]

So some event happended this week that got me quite shaked mentally

 

Begining of this week, I meet a girl on the street, she seems to like me a lot and she was quite my type too, a few days later we meet on the afternoon, not gonna go too much in details, but it's going okay, she still seems to really like me and i feel more and more that she's really my type and i like her quite much as well, we go to my place, i go for the kiss, and then she freaks out and  literally runaway (welcome to japan lol)

 

I'm not looking for game/pickup related analysis posting here obviously, but from a perspective of meditation/mind/emotions management after that happened

 

So I know what i'm supposed to do here on a vipassana perspective (i've been to a few retreats and vipassana is my main practice i'm respecting the 2 hours daily for 1 year now) : focus only on the sensations and observe them equanimously

First off after that happens, i feel obviously unpleasant sensations and a big non acceptance of reality, so i'm like, okay fuck that's too much i can't take it it's too overwelming i need to distract/numb the situation that's too much for me at my stage, so i jerk off and then go into a reactive distraction mode by watching videos on youtube

Obviously it's not perfect but i'm quite fine with that since the situation was really violent in a way

 

But after that i'm quite surprised and dissapointed on how i did not really manage the situation well, I know pretty well how to respond to that and manage it (with vipassana), and I was even aware of that and aware of what was happening (at least partly), but yet, even after hours (and the next day and today to a lesser extent), I was still unable to get out of the story and just observe the present and the reality
Sometimes I would observe my sensations a little bit, and it was actually not that bad, but i would just get pulled into thinking about the story and create much more misery for myself, while also being aware of it, which is why i'm quite surprised that i couldn't get out of this trap, it's like i nearly consciously surrender and chose to stay fucked and create more misery for me, while I knew (not only intelectually since i've been practing vipassana and been able to stay equanimous to unpleasant events before) how to get out of it but still couldn't get out of the pull of falling into the story

 

I think one thing that trapped me is how i was not able to accept the reality, as it felt (or I guess to say that i thought that will be more correct) so wrong and that really it should not be like that

One belief that i engage on is that everything is exactly how it is supposed to be and that the universe make it happen for a reason, but sometimes i turn this belief into a mindfuck when i try to project it into the future, by for example trying to understand what will be the point of that, or to think of what i am supposed to do in the future, to stay in this line of "what is supposed to be"
And obviously it turns into a great mindfuck when i turn it like that that "things are supposed to be a certain way", and for this case i even thought that maybe it was not supposed to be like that and that i went out of this line of "it was supposed to be x" and fucked up what was supposed to be
So yea I think in regard to that the key is to keep the "things are exactly how they are supposed to be" only for present and past, but never try to project it into the future or try to understand/speculate/anticipate on the why and the future

 

Still i'm quite surprised and dissapointed that i failled to get out of the story and just been engaging into nearly chosing to stay in this sad/wanting to fix the story mode, it's been 2 days since that happened and i've basically just wasted the last 2 days doing nothing distacting myself mostly

Especially since i know exactly the way out of it with vipassana, and been focused on meditation a lot on the last weeks, also the story by itself is not even that dreadful, i will leave japan in 2 weeks anyways and even though i really liked that girl, i didn't know about her existance one week ago and spend total 2 hours with her, i still meet girls that i like at the same level at least one every few months, so it's not like i just lost a girlfriend that i loved and been with for 2 years or what
I also knew that it will pass in not too long, either a few days or a week or 2/3 weeks max i most likely don't care at all about that anymore

 

I also know that trying to fix the story is not the point but the point is to let go of the story so yea quite surprised that i managed it quite badly like that basically going full on into the trap of entering completly in the story-mode (also aware that i'm adding a little bit of guilt of not managing it well ot it and that doesn't help neither), I think the main issue was that I was not able to accept the reality, as it really felt (but i guess it's just a thought really) like it was wrong and not how things were supposed to be

 

So yea sharing this experience, the point is not really to solve this particular case because anyways in a few days or few weeks max i will not care anyways and it will be solved by itself, but more in general, i feel like i could have done better managing it and not get sucked into entering the story, so any comment or advice is appreciated