a beginner's mind - empty

[phoenix666]

oh, I don't even know where to start. 

I'm back. feels like beginning and end. I'm everywhere and nowhere. 

I feel like a newborn...there is so much beauty and awe. I start to see beauty in evanescence and death, which is fundamental part of the emptiness of existence. it's all one, tied tighter. life is death and vice versa. wow. it's hard to put it into words. but I want to integrate everything I've experienced and journaling will help me, so here I am again. 

I feel so much lighter.. 

where to go from here? I think I need some grounding and integration.

my goals:

• integrating my enlightenment experience. I've seen it. I've seen and felt god. I want to act, move and speak from that place
• I want to embody unconditional love and compassion
• keep a beginner's mind: empty. a white sheet op paper. keep being awestruck by reality
• becoming a healer - whatever that means for me. I don't really know yet (I don't need to)
• expand my consciousness, increasing my awareness

my tools:

• meditation
• kriya yoga
• journaling
• reading books, watching videos, listening to podcasts
• contemplation
• communication, interaction with people: trying to help them, being present, listening to them
• mindfulness, awareness of breath whenever I remember
• psychedelics
• whole plant foods and keeping my body clean and in shape

 

I don't really know what is happening with me. but I'm in love, I'm in love with life at the moment and I feel a deep calmness in me <3 my urge and need to seek seems to weaken, it makes me smile. it's so sweet..

[zenjen]

Glad to see you back sister!! ❤️?

[phoenix666]

5 hours ago, zenjen said:

Glad to see you back sister!! ❤️?

thanks for your welcoming embrace <3 

beautiful to see you here again <3

[phoenix666]

one of the most humbling insights I've had

it clicked during a meditation session in the Zen monastery: this path doesn't add anything to me. it's actually a process of subtracting. it's the process of shedding layer after layer. of what? 'me', my personality: the concept of 'me' I have in my mind. all the things I think about 'myself'. that toxic accumulation of past memories and future expectations that merge into my self image (my story, my character). that static idea I have in my mind. all those beliefs and concepts. 

layer after layer, I let go. 

I become lighter and lighter, until I dissolve. until I surrender all resistance and merge with the incredible flow of life and death.

it feels so good to let go.. relief, freedom. the strange paradox of making myself so vulnerable, that I feel invincible

[phoenix666]

oh wow, to become empty is to be filled with the divine <3 the less I am, the more of everything can flow through me

those glimpses literally kill me, I love it.

the problem is, I get attached to them...it's hard to not get attached to such freedom, peace and bliss. 

how?

[Solace]

@phoenix666 I am so happy for you that you really are becoming a pure, divine expression of unconditional love ❤️

And starting from the beginners mind is very humble of you.

And know that this love has no limits. The feeling will keep increasing until infinity ?

Blessings.

Edited August 14, 2018 by Solace

[phoenix666]

21 hours ago, Solace said:

I am so happy for you that you really are becoming a pure, divine expression of unconditional love ❤️

as always <3 

 

21 hours ago, Solace said:

starting from the beginners mind is very humble of you.

it just feels right in this moment. I literally feel like a newborn.. I know, the world around me may be the same, but my eyes are new..

 

21 hours ago, Solace said:

And know that this love has no limits. The feeling will keep increasing until infinity ?

wow. I can't even imagine.. is that what's happening to you? 

 

this is so wonderful.

I keep falling in love with life. it's all perfect. I've been blind to love and beauty. and most people are.. it makes me sad, but I can see the beauty in it. the whole process of learning how to see again.. that's the journey we're here for. that's why we exist.

I want to help, I want to help so much..everyone deserves to see the beauty. I want to help people feel the love again <3

[phoenix666]

I feel my mood fluctuating, but it doesn't scare me anymore. I know the emptiness now, I know the nothingness of things. nothing is permanent, everything will fade (emptiness remains) 

I think I can overcome sadness and devastation more lightly now. I try not to be afraid of them anymore, I try to welcome whatever arises. I try to embrace whatever negative emotion may arise. I know that it will make me more humble and more compassionate

I'm becoming more and more aware of the mechanisms inside my mind: how all my problems are actually self-created and, really, nonexistent. wow. 

it's all in my mind, isn't it?

[phoenix666]

I've been a seeker for my whole life. 

even a good friend told me today (and she doesn't know about any of this stuff) that I've always looked like I was searching something. I was unfulfilled, unsatisfied. I had that never ending need in me - to want more and more. and I didn't even know what. I thought I wanted things. so I ran after them. it was desperate. nothing could fill it. last year I realized I wasn't looking for things, but for feelings. I chased mystical experiences, love, enlightenment. awakening.

I don't know if I am enlightened.. but I've definitively had some minor and a huge awakening experience over the last months. 

now I feel peace. I feel joy, a calmness. 

I can go deeper, I know. in fact, this will never end, it will always be possible to go even deeper. oh, how much I love this. but it feels like positive motivation now. there is nothing missing in me. I feel whole. 

now I cry

maybe because I really mean it?

I don't do it to fill a hole in me anymore

I do everything because I want to become less and less. I want to become empty. I want to radiate love and compassion, I want to help others attain this state too

[phoenix666]

surrender

this is something I seem to encounter again and again on this path. it's also one of those things that seem to never end. there is always more to surrender to, more resistance to release, more 'things' to fully relax into. 

it's really about that, I think. realizing that everything is exactly as it should be. it couldn't be any other way. and it's perfect. this forever unfolding flux, this endlessly play between coming into being and fading, life and death 

how well can you relax into it?

how well can you go with the flow? 

how well can you play with the flux instead of against it?

how well can you surrender to everything that arises?

surrender, surrender.... showering it with love

[phoenix666]

wow, today I felt so great and relaxed in my body. I've never felt like this before (except when I tripped on MDMA) 

actually, it felt like a Molly trip today. but I was completely sober. wow, I loved it.

it happened during my swim session. swimming has something very meditative with it repetitiveness and monotony, I tried to empty my mind, always take my focus back on my breath and body movements. and suddenly - wow - I was just really, really in it

I fully relaxed into my body, all resistance dropped and it moved on it's on, completely in the flow

wonderful. I hope I can feel this more often.

 

how? body awareness? active relaxation?

my only thought was 'wow, wow, wow' and 'wow, imagine going through life in this state' and I actually think it's possible. I wasn't even doing anything special, just swimming. breathing, emptying my mind, focussing on my movements and relaxing into the flow

[phoenix666]

wow, meditation is starting to flourish

as I close my eyes and observe the breath, something opens up. I dissolve in it

it' a whole new world. this place is peaceful, wide, open, full of possibilities. it's a bit trippy. 

that lead me to a question: is awakening trippy? or is it because I associate it with psychedelics so much? or is the psychedelic world the actual truth?

[Wisebaxter]

Have really enjoyed reading your posts. It seems like you're having a pretty great time at the moment, really feeling in love with life, maybe after your enlightenment experience. 

Quote

is awakening trippy? or is it because I associate it with psychedelics so much? or is the psychedelic world the actual truth?

That's a very good question and I'm not sure it can be answered by anyone else as our own subjective experiences are so hard to convey. The mind will always try and ask question though as it's seeking meaning. Surrender into the experience and let those thoughts come and go because thoughts can only operate within the relative, dualistic plane. What you're experiencing is the absolute and thoughts will only distract us from it. 

[phoenix666]

On 21. August 2018 at 2:59 PM, Wisebaxter said:

Have really enjoyed reading your posts. It seems like you're having a pretty great time at the moment, really feeling in love with life, maybe after your enlightenment experience. 

my pleasure <3

oh yeah, it really does feel this way in the moment. do you know the feeling of being in love? with life itself?

it's hard to not get attached to it. even if right now I think I could see love and beauty even in the darkest of places. (please someone remind me of my words once I'm actually in such a place)

On 21. August 2018 at 2:59 PM, Wisebaxter said:

That's a very good question and I'm not sure it can be answered by anyone else as our own subjective experiences are so hard to convey. The mind will always try and ask question though as it's seeking meaning. Surrender into the experience and let those thoughts come and go because thoughts can only operate within the relative, dualistic plane. What you're experiencing is the absolute and thoughts will only distract us from it. 

so true, so true. thanks for reminding me to surrender. the mind is such a tricky thing, unbelievable. so bittersweet! that's exactly what mother aya showed me when I was so much in awe, that I couldn't speak. I couldn't form any thought. it was so beautiful. I realized the moment I'll define it, it will cease to be. 

thank you for sharing <3

[phoenix666]

life feels so much more vivid, I can't believe. it's almost too good to be true. I know this feeling, I've had it during some awakening experiences on trips too - the feeling of OMG this is just too good to be true. can this really be? do I deserve this?

I think this is still holding me back a bit - the part with do I deserve this much bliss and beauty? 

oh, yeah, I do. life is beautiful, existence is magical. and I deserve to be loved and to be blissful and in awe like I've always been as a child. I want to walk the path of self love more. enough with this mentality of 'you have to work hard to deserve something' or 'you have to earn your happiness' I've grown up with this, passed down from generations. and whilst it was all well meant, what did it bring me? self hate and low self-worth

the love of the universe is endless - and free. everyone serves infinite amounts of love, me too <3

 

 

[phoenix666]

to hear I must be in silence 

I feel it more and more, the calmer the mind, the deeper the connection 

how to calm my mind though. sometimes it's just racing. I've always been a thinker.. I'll focus on my breath, again and again

[phoenix666]

I found a deep sense of peace and calmness. but there is still a little seeker in me. I'm still looking for something. meditation shows me that this little 'seeking bone' is still there. it got more quiet and patient, but still

and it's ok. this little seeker brought me here. I don't want to fight it. maybe it's here to be loved? 

[phoenix666]

wow, one of the most powerful videos I've come across 

thank you so, so much Matt. you've changed my life 

 

the uneasy feelings I get around people sometimes aren't mind. I actually feel how they're feeling in their body in that moment. I feel it clearly with my dear mam. then I want to anchor what I think would help them most. I want to anchor love, security, courage, strength, trust and joy for my mam for example. for my dad I want to anchor love, satisfaction, calmness and peace. 

 

all decisions are already made. looking back I can see that everything I did, was exactly what I had to do in that moment, given my circumstances and my experience. there is no right and wrong other than for 'me'

what I can decide though, is the intention. the reasons I do things for. bring good, high vibrational reasons for everything you do in your life and watch your journey blossom. 

to be conscious, to be aware means to set the most powerful, loving intention behind every action and word <3

[phoenix666]

awakening is happening. I can't force it because it's already here, every moment. right under my eyes. it's right here, hidden under the veil of perception. what's this veil? it's layers and layers of identifications, beliefs and thoughts. 

I want to dissolve all of that with increasing awareness to become witness of my awakening - mine and the one of everyone and everything around me - because it actually is happening everywhere, anytime. I just have to dissolve that veil, so that I can see it unfold before my eyes. let me become a silent observer, let me become silent, witness in awe of an awakening universe 

[phoenix666]

it's infinite.  I'm infinity thinking I'm finite. by thinking, I create a limit. I close off the possibility of being infinite. or really, any possibility.

I notice when talking and writing; every word is de-finition. putting a limit. it's this means it's not that. it's a separation! that's the creation of a duality: this vs not this. 

I notice that when I communicate through language, everything I say is actually false. as soon as I utter it, I see it's validity vanish. it's per definitionem not the thing which it is pointing at. 

wow

and even deeper...same goes for every thought. thoughts function in a system called language (the finger, not the moon)

I want the moon. I want to let go off the finger..