a beginner's mind - empty

[phoenix666]

I fail my own expectations, I crumble underneath the pressure on my shoulders....the pressure no other than myself put there. I sometimes feel as if the light has left me. where are the good days bursting with love, energy, connection, awe, wonder...? without noticing I've constructed a new self image. I've constructed a new ego. I continuously fail to live up to the spiritual ego I've created. 

time to let go of that

where to start again? 

back to the roots, back to the breath

what resonates most at the moment, is Matt Kahn. I guess I'm starving for love. the first step may be admitting that I don't know how to love myself... How? Matt show me how <3

[phoenix666]

I've dissolved my ego again and again (on psychedelics) .. but I start to get the game. infinite. never ending dissolving... it comes back layer after layer whilst living unconsciously. and living unconsciously is hard to avoid in today's society. we're bombarded, our nervous system literally overstimulated. that's why it's important to come back to moments of awareness and mindfulness every day. every day. with every breath, with every meditation, whit every time we remember to be aware

[phoenix666]

I want to take the path of radical honesty, as that is the first step of accepting what is and loving what arises. I don't even have to like the way I feel...I just have to acknowledge it. and trust that whatever comes my way, can only be a manifestation of the divine, waiting to be recognized as such. nothing is less than the divine. 

the divine dresses up as everything we encounter, waiting for us to stop judging and avoiding, to start honoring it as the light it is <3

lately I've been feeling quite needy. I want attention, warmth, cuddles, admiration, sweet words and gestures that show me how much I'm loved. not that I'm getting any of that  (or maybe a little bit...but not enough) I actually think I deserve more of all of that. maybe the first sign of improving self worth? I actually get some of that from some people...but not from the one person I love so desperately. 

then again, it's all the divine, dressed up us characters and situations waiting to be acknowledged as god in form. maybe it's helping me developing unconditional love?

[phoenix666]

my values change with me, there is no path in the sense that the path is ever-changing. constantly adapting, endlessly developing and flowing like currents in a stream. like water, formless, shapeless.

truth is still important to me, I'll continue with consciousness work. but I now know that my highest value is love. it's probably all one and the same in the end: beauty=truth=emptiness=fulfillment=absolute=LOVE. many roads lead to Rome, there are endless paths towards awakening. I want to walk the one of love.

I actually don't want to awaken only for myself anymore: I want to do it for all beings on this earth. I wish to speak and act from unconditional love and oneness, to see the divine in everyone and everything in order to awaken the highest potential in everyone. 

wherever the path will lead, I'd like to choose love at every possibility <3

[phoenix666]

as love has become my highest value, I feel like I want to make this more down to earth. what is love? or more importantly, what do I mean when I say that love is my highest value?

love = inclusion = unity, that is seeing myself in everything or including everything and everyone in my heart. I want my sense of self to expand wider and wider, so that one day it can take in the whole universe. separation is illusion. it goes hand in hand with fear and unconsciousness. 

if everything goes full circle, why is god love and not hate? because love is union, love is oneness, non-duality. even separation and illusion are paradoxically a part of that oneness. hate and fear and suffering are misguided, unconscious and primitive forms of love.

I wish I could love myself unconditionally, so that I can love the world around me unconditionally. the way I treat myself is the way I treat those around me and so the world will reflect back. I'm not there yet and that's ok. it's not easy to reprogram years of self hatred and negative thought patterns. but I am aware of that and I am ready to open my heart, I am ready to expand, I am ready to face the fear, I am ready to love and to become love, even if 'I' have to dissolve in the process.

[phoenix666]

no-mind has always been the goal in one form or another. I've been influenced by lots of Zen teachings and other spiritual teachers that see the mind as 'enemy' against awareness and being. I'm starting to realize that no-mind isn't a goal. it's eventually a consequence of mindfulness/awareness. so the goal should be to rise awareness. the silence and peace of mind will flourish as a byproduct of that. 

seeing things like that helps me doing all of this in a more feminine approach: not the getting rid typ of letting go, but the loving embrace of everything that may come up. 

[phoenix666]

I'm actually grateful for my beautiful, creative mind. after a psychedelic experience of utter emptiness I've learned to honor my mind as a creative and divine tool that has been given to us for a reason. all there is, is divine. all there is can help us awaken <3

[phoenix666]

I know it's all an illusion, I've experienced that cold shower, or worse, that terrible feeling of the ground disappearing right under my feet. the horror of falling and falling, through groundless floors. but so what? the illusion is divine. it's part of that holy beauty too. and if I'm here in this body, I'm here for a reason. even for the sheer reason of being itself. 

we're in this body to wake up. but it doesn't end there. it's about waking up and then come back.  what for? enjoying. pure beauty of being. creating. LOVING. honoring the divine that is in everything. seeing the light that permeates each being. awakening that light in others by spreading love. 

there is no purpose other than the one we create. that's the real meaning of being a creator. what I'm here for? I want to connect with unconditional love, I want to merge with unity consciousness, so that I speak and act from that place. that's how I can help others, that's how we awaken the whole planet, by loving and honoring each other <3

[phoenix666]

sometimes I get a glimpse through the illusion of time. everything that has ever happened and all that will ever happen; it's all in the now. all right now in this moment, all interconnected and interwoven. 

it's like I get thrown into a past experience or a dream I've had long time ago. it's not sheer memory, it's more like really, like really being there.

is the illusion, my mind's construct starting to collapse? 

[phoenix666]

in doubt, alway follow the heart. there are many paths that lead to the one. but the one oft the heart feels the best, feels the rightest. actually, all paths can be taken, maybe the one with heart isn't even a separate one. maybe it doesn't matter which path I walk, maybe it only matters that I walk it with my heart

I want to make myself vulnerable, I want to open my heart. I'm not sure how, maybe that's the first step. admitting, being honest, I'm trying

[phoenix666]

I want to be free - free from searching and wanting, free from the illusion of separation, free from feelings of loneliness and not being enough, free from the feeling of lacking something  anything

what happens when all of that falls of? utter, utter relaxation and relief, floating in space, dissolving into air and bliss

just being, formless and light, free from the heavy burden of wanting and searching

that's what I'm looking for. that itself is the obstacle. catch 22, what irony^^ 

at least I'm becoming aware of it

[phoenix666]

instead of transcending and letting go, I've found in my experience that embracing is far more powerful. it's the more feminine approach, the more heart-centered way. I wouldn't go as far as to say that it works better for everyone..but definitely for me. maybe cause I'm finally integrating more and more of my feminine traits. I'm loving it more and more to be a woman and that's probably a big part of my integration process and spiritual journey <3

[phoenix666]

how can I forget the Truth again and again? it's impressive. the self deception itself is pure beauty. so perfect and consistent. almost impossible to see through. almost.

[phoenix666]

the less I am, the more I perceive 

the more I empty myself, the more existence fills me

[phoenix666]

It‘s time for some yellow. Time to dive into some long forgotten wisdom. The wisdom of the voiceless: nature, plants  but I Need some theory First, before I can hear their subtle voices .. time to become passioned about learning and discovering again 

[phoenix666]

I resonate more and more with the embracing, divine feminine approach. everything is divine, everything is being and here to love, here to embrace. illusion is part of God.

all of my thoughts are here to be embraced too.

whatever comes up, is ok. whatever comes up, is perfect and divine creation. everything that is, is a manifestation of God and thus pure perfection. why? because it is. if it exists, it must be divine and perfect. why? because God is all there is. there isn't anything outside of IT <3

 

[phoenix666]

I slowly start to see plants as the highest creation. 

we have to kill to survive, no matter how hard we try not to. all forms of live somehow have to. except from plants.

actually, they're not a creation, they create themselves. they create out of air, sunlight, love. they live in stillness, meditating towards the sun. they provide us with oxygen and sugar, create entire eco-systems. they're holy 

[phoenix666]

time to come back, it's helpful to express my thoughts and emotions

I've become conscious of a groundbreaking realization which shattered my whole world, me. all these years so many people have told me and I was so blind, I just didn't believe them, even got angry at them for saying things like that! how could they dare to criticize my parents? I blindly, automatically defended mam and dad. blind

I've always been rather proud of myself for being my own master, for not believing anything without forming my own opinion, for questioning everything before adapting any belief. there I thought to be free. what a joke. I did question society, media, school, university, other people. but not my parents. 

I've been manipulated (not consciously I think, but nevertheless) 

I don't know what to believe anymore, I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like they shaped me. where do their beliefs and projections end, where do mine begin? it's slippery

[phoenix666]

I'm having kind of a rough time. but it's ok, I guess. I think I have to go through all of this.

I have to go though all those repressed feelings during my childhood. a lot of stuff from earlier came up. the illusion of my idolized parents finally broke. I became conscious of what they did to me. and I am not accusing or judging them... I love them so very much. I see how they where just passing on their cycle of abuse. nevertheless, they did a lot of bad stuff to me. no wonder I don't have any self worth. no wonder I have a gigantic shadow that draws me into emptiness, depression and suffering again and again. I'm at odds with myself. I've always been. 

it's good to become conscious of all that stuff. so a lot of negative feelings will be waiting for me.. that's ok, I can handle that. maybe it's part of my journey of becoming whole again <3

[phoenix666]

time to admit something: fear 

and yes, I have lots of it. there is a constant level of anxiety in me, hidden beneath the urge to do stuff, to distract myself from it

I've always seen myself as a courageous, fearless person. and in some situations I am. but one doesn't exclude the other, so I've learnt. during meditation unease comes up and I now became conscious that a good deal of that 'unease' is anxiety. it's always been very present in me, when I look back consciously. 

fear of not living up to expectations, of not being good enough, of being left. school generated a lot of anxiety in me. but the most shocking thing I've now discovered: all of those things are associated to my biggest fear... it's hard for me to even think this, writing it, saying it out loud...because I love him so much

I'm afraid of my father. I've always been. every time I disappointed him, every time I did something 'bad' or 'wrong, every time I failed... I was so, so afraid of going home, of meeting him..

I'm so sorry, I don't want to point my finger at him, I don't want to make him responsible for all my problems.... but I've become conscious that to some extent, he is.. and I am so sorry, I know he didn't do all of that on purpose... but it hurts so much