a beginner's mind - empty

[phoenix666]

everything just is. no need for explanation. I can see why that's scary for a mind striving to survive, and it's ok. I'm done fighting with it. I don't want to get rid off anything, I don't want to push away, ignore or deny anything anymore. as if it wasn't all GOD! ego is god too. it's part of the infinite play of the absolute, interacting with itself in innumerable forms <3

so I can see why my mind doesn't like the notion of everything just is. it wants explanations, answers, rationalizations. it wants reasons and speculations for the future. it's all a play. everything that is, is inevitable. 

but all around that is a play. for fun. why not making life more colorful? why not painting it with love? there are no reasons. but mind wants them? so let's make some.

set your own intentions, create your own reasons. you're a creator. 

free will isn't having power over outcome. everything is already scripted. what's bound to happen, will happen. what's not will not. how wonderful, isn't that liberating? there is no wrong! so nothing you do is wrong. everything I do is right <3

but fee will is creating the most powerful reasons why I do what I do.

let's play a game and find the most loving and wonderful intentions behind everything I do and say 

thank you, Matt, you're my angel

[phoenix666]

surrender = realizing I didn't have any control to begin with 

all I have to do is actually to observe, observe myself floating through life, reality passing me by. and feel that there is less and less resistance. relax into every moment, relax into every situation, again and again. my mind is trying to distract myself with boredom. that's ok, that too, shall pass.

my life has changed so much over the past months, it's so touching. there is so much more love, empathy and intuition in it. I would like to deepen that even further..

[phoenix666]

right intention

I know there is nothing. no reason, no purpose, no meaning. I've experienced that nothingness. the ego uses the mind to construct all of that. why? it's about survival. to keep going. to get up in the morning. motivation, goals, validation. to reassure I am, I exist, I matter. I matter in this world, I matter in other people's perceptions. it's not necessarily a bad thing. I don't want to judge that anymore. the k.ey is the light of awareness. I see that it's all a projection of my mind. but why not embracing it? I don't want to get rid of 'my' ego. I want to integrate it. I want to embrace it with love. 

the mind is a poor master, but a good servant.

I create my own meaning, I've always done so. I can do it in a mindful, conscious manner. 

why am I doing all of this? why am I living at all? what's the purpose? what is my purpose in life? 

my mother says I'm egoistic, self-absorbed. that hurt me. am I?

why do I spend so much time meditating, doing yoga, reading/studying, practicing mindfulness?

my goals have changed over the last year.. what I am aiming for now is something completely different. I couldn't have ever imagined.

I want to become empty. so empty, to be filled with the only thing there is: divine love. I'd like to become selfless, a mere vessel of love and compassion.    all of that to serve; I want to heal and help others like I did with myself. I've managed to drag my poor soul out of self hatred and victim mentality. I would like to share all the bliss and love and empathy I've experienced since then. 

am I tricking myself there? is that ego searching for validation, a sense of importance? I don't know at this point. I hope not. it doesn't feel like that. my desire to share and to reach out feels genuine and deep. and if not, maybe it will become along my journey.

to change the world one must change herself. I shouldn't feel guilty for spending so much time on myself and my inner journey. 

Matt is right, sometimes awareness can become quite toxic. when it's tinged with judgement. the answer? love. I want to deepen my self love <3

[phoenix666]

I witnessed something really important: I literally observed my mind generating suffering. a slight feeling of emptiness came up - after weeks of joy, love and bliss. the contrast was huge. the resistance too. I felt tensing up, not wanting to loose all the positivity I've 'gained' in the last months. it felt like a small death. slipping back into old patterns, old pain. 

there my mind played right into it: thoughts came up, fantasies of victimhood, suffering, loss, loneliness.. it created a whole cycle: thoughts deepened the painful emotions, which in turn stimulated new destructive thoughts, which again intensified the suffering. it was so painful, but also sweet in a strange way. I felt something in me grasping onto it. my ego? identifying with familiar patterns?

I suddenly thought: whoa, wait. is this me? does this actually belong to me? am I really this suffering? as soon as I thought that, I felt it becoming less intense. I gained distance, as if observing it from afar or through a veil of fog. 

I instinctively knew what the answer was: to love the one who is in pain. and I genuinely want to love that one. I don't want to judge and beat myself up for suffering and for getting caught in old toxic patterns again. I really want to love myself. unconditionally and every single aspect of myself. if I only knew how.. 

[phoenix666]

what do I want? what do I really want in my life?

I want love and oneness. I want to feel connection to everyone and everything

my greatest wish? I feel a deep desire to heal people. not only on a physical, but also on a mental and emotional level <3

[phoenix666]

I want to express the whole world, out comes no thing. no words are able to contain the immensity of it all. 

I'm speechless.

it's so, so beautiful. all of it. all the suffering too. I'm crying. there is so much going on in me.. suffering and bliss, all at once. it almost seems like nothing. (because it's too much) 

I can see why there must be emptiness to contain it all <3

and I can feel on my skin; I'm my biggest enemy, the bigger jihad. but I love it, I love this enemy. it brought me here and here, right now is perfect <3

all the things I'm not and all the things I am. I don't know anymore. feels like I'm getting to know myself deeper and deeper on this journey. paradoxically I seem to know less and less. it's like peeling away layer after layer. 

what's left?

what do I want to be left with?

the only thing I know: I want love, the divine one that comes with oneness. the one that brings me to tears. unconditional, without boundaries. it takes so much courage. making myself vulnerable is so hard. I'm trembling. 

feels like I'm healing. I love this journey.

do I first have to heal myself before I can heal others?

[phoenix666]

I realized so many things about myself lately. it seems too much to put into words. it's been such a beautiful process. let's see where it will get me. 

I resonate with Matt so much. maybe a heart centered approach is right for me? it feels right? 

I've always been (unconsciously) searching for love, appreciation, validation, attention. my inner child asking for attention? 

I'm trying to be more loving to myself. I'm not really sure how that works. two very close people said that I am such a loving, kind and caring person. but that I'm not really loving towards myself. and if I'm honest, I don't really know how to do that.

how can I love myself unconditionally? it's so much easier to feel love for others.. 

shouldn't that be the same? shouldn't my self love improve by loving in general? why does that still feel kind of disconnected from each other?

[Martin123]

On 10/3/2018 at 5:01 PM, phoenix666 said:

how can I love myself unconditionally? it's so much easier to feel love for others.. 

This is such a great and important question.

Maybe you will resonate with what im about to say. It is easier for us to love others than ourselves because we have been the ones who have been abandoned, neglected and not liked by others. Loving ourselves means facing the neglect within, which is actually a more difficult thing to do than give all of yourself away to others in a moment of seeming self-lesness, while it is actually the cultivation of self-denial. 

And to take it even a step further, for spiritual seekers who pursue non-duality, it can often be a subtle way of trying to run away from the "self" that has been neglected in the past, while refusing to face the neglect within. And so invitation presents itself, can I breathe within the heaviness, density and pain of my past neglect, daring myself to see if I will be able to survive facing this moment while bringing all my emotional wounds to the surface. And that is some epic-ass spiritual practice!

[phoenix666]

@Martin123 this resonates with me.

oh my god, how can this be? I've just come back from a break from this place.. and what you write..wow. just perfect for this moment.

I'm not sure what happened, but lately I seem to be extremely sensitive. lots of empathy, lots of feelings I get from speaking to people. and it sometimes really hurts.. 

my heart has just been broken a little. all the suffering is pouring back in, after weeks, months of joy, lightness and bliss. fuck. why. I've made myself vulnerable again. and now I've been crushed again. something little made my heart break. how can I handle this new found sensitivity? 

[jjer94]

Quote

I am not interested in sending people to heaven. I am interested in making people in such a way that even if they go to hell, nobody can make them suffer. That’s freedom.
--Sadhguru

Hang in there phoenix, and as always, you will rise from the ashes. Much love.

[Martin123]

On 10/24/2018 at 9:53 PM, phoenix666 said:

my heart has just been broken a little. all the suffering is pouring back in, after weeks, months of joy, lightness and bliss. fuck. why. I've made myself vulnerable again. and now I've been crushed again. something little made my heart break. how can I handle this new found sensitivity? 

I am sorry dear, its ok to feel. You are safe to feel, and you are safe in your empathic gifts.
It may feel overwhelming, it may feel like it is too much at times, and when it does thats completely ok and natural. Just remember that whatever overwhelm arises within you, you are safe enough to breathe through it. Return to your breath, and the breath will show you how safe you are to face everything that is here to mold you into your highest angelic self. All my love with you. 

[phoenix666]

On 25. Oktober 2018 at 0:13 AM, jjer94 said:

Hang in there phoenix, and as always, you will rise from the ashes. Much love.

thank you so much jjer. <3 I came back to the forum today, maybe because I needed to read these words. they feel so good. thanks from the bottom of my heart <3

 

On 25. Oktober 2018 at 11:45 PM, Martin123 said:

I am sorry dear, its ok to feel. You are safe to feel, and you are safe in your empathic gifts.
It may feel overwhelming, it may feel like it is too much at times, and when it does thats completely ok and natural. Just remember that whatever overwhelm arises within you, you are safe enough to breathe through it. Return to your breath, and the breath will show you how safe you are to face everything that is here to mold you into your highest angelic self. All my love with you. 

thank you, thank you, thank you Martin. same here, it feels so nurturing to read these words. I've been deepening my empathic gifts for a while now and it's very intense. but yeah, I can go through this. I want to keep my focus on it, I don't want to run away anymore  I'll let my breath lead the way. <3

 

thanks to all of you, you really feel like a heaven sent present through intense times <3

[Igor82]

Ground yourself, close your eyes and connect to love, it does not have to be much, but try to connect to it, feel it in your heart. Become aware of the room, and visualize yourself sitting there. Now observe yourself sitting there, now from another place in the room. 

Come forth as yourself in the vision and hug yourself, come forth with your love, and feel yourself sparking with love for yourself. Come forth like a soothing mother to yourself sitting there and give yourself the biggest hug, the most fierce, passionate, loving and vulnerable hug ever. Feel your heartbeat, and feel it synchronize with yourself, feel it permeate your existence and feel it fill it up with love. Love yourself for who you are, for whatever you are feeling. Love yourself unconditionally.

Get back and ground yourself in your body, and visualize yourself feeling sad (a scenario might show up), and apply your love to that, the same love that you gave yourself when sitting there. Accept yourself for who you really are, apply understanding, acceptance, and love. Summon love to all aspects of yourself.

Visualize yourself crying alone, on a dark night. Come forth and give yourself everything you got. If you feel uncomfortable while visualizing this, love the discomfort to death! Its alright, you are safe, it's alright, it's alright.

I wish I could show up and give you an unconditional hug, feel your heartbeat, look into your eyes... im here, it's alright, don't worry, please don't worry.

@phoenix666

[phoenix666]

9 hours ago, Igor82 said:

Ground yourself, close your eyes and connect to love, it does not have to be much, but try to connect to it, feel it in your heart. Become aware of the room, and visualize yourself sitting there. Now observe yourself sitting there, now from another place in the room. 

Come forth as yourself in the vision and hug yourself, come forth with your love, and feel yourself sparking with love for yourself. Come forth like a soothing mother to yourself sitting there and give yourself the biggest hug, the most fierce, passionate, loving and vulnerable hug ever. Feel your heartbeat, and feel it synchronize with yourself, feel it permeate your existence and feel it fill it up with love. Love yourself for who you are, for whatever you are feeling. Love yourself unconditionally.

Get back and ground yourself in your body, and visualize yourself feeling sad (a scenario might show up), and apply your love to that, the same love that you gave yourself when sitting there. Accept yourself for who you really are, apply understanding, acceptance, and love. Summon love to all aspects of yourself.

Visualize yourself crying alone, on a dark night. Come forth and give yourself everything you got. If you feel uncomfortable while visualizing this, love the discomfort to death! Its alright, you are safe, it's alright, it's alright.

I wish I could show up and give you an unconditional hug, feel your heartbeat, look into your eyes... im here, it's alright, don't worry, please don't worry.

@phoenix666

oh my, this actually made me cry. thank you so much for your loving and soothing words, Igor. self love is a big one for me (I actually start to think it's the biggest) I still struggle with it, I'm still fighting with old patterns of self hatred, shame and guilt. it's much easier to love others than one self, even if in the end (and somewhere I already know that) it's all one and the same. love for the universe is love for myself and vice versa. I try to cultivate love every day, I try to deepen my love for everything with every meditation and yoga session, in every interaction with other beings <3

thank you, I can feel your hug und the warmth in your words <3

[phoenix666]

a student has anything to ask, so many things to know. I've already dissolved some of that need to know in me. after aya I had the feeling of not needing to know anything anymore. no searching, no wanting. it has come back since then. but it's ok, I'm aware of it and I want to love that searching part in me. it brought me into this journey. <3

a master has nothing to know or ask and anything to bless. 

thank you Matt Kahn, may you be blessed. you helped me so much. I'd like to give you something back for all the light you've brought into my life. 

I want to walk the path, but I want to walk the one with heart and your words feel right to me <3

[Charlotte]

@phoenix666 Why haven't I seen your journal Mrs? ? Popcorn and reading glasses later me thinks ?

[phoenix666]

much has changed since my break from this forum, I'm glad to be back. I've missed writing down my thoughts. I found quite some close friends to talk about this kind of things and I love it. I've opened up and deepened the connection to my dearest friends. even with my parents <3 it feels so good. I feel more free, more like I can be myself and less isolated. I've discovered that deep connection to people is important for me, one of the most important values in my life.

awakening is still my most important purpose in life, but it's different. it's not something I want to achieve for myself anymore. my goal is to become a more loving, more compassionate being in order to serve and help others on their journeys. that's what fuels me. feels like I don't only want to wake up for me, but for the entire planet. love has become my most important value in life and I want to act and speak from that place as much as I can, whenever I am mindful and aware until one day love becomes my only option <3

 

 

 

On 16. Jänner 2019 at 8:31 AM, Charlotte said:

@phoenix666 Why haven't I seen your journal Mrs? ? Popcorn and reading glasses later me thinks ?

lovely to read from you again Charlotte <3 I haven't been around for a couple of months..probably because of that  enjoy your popcorn my dear <3

 

 

[phoenix666]

after focusing my energy outwards for the last couple of months, I feel like I've reached a limit. I got a bit lost in the illusion so to speak. nothing wrong with that, I'm here to feel, I'm here to love and to care. and I've been doing that. honestly, it led to quite some suffering.. but I want to make the best out of it. let's use the suffering to focus inward again. 

I want to find that inner place of silence, peace and love again. from there I can give more love to others and to the world.

[phoenix666]

there are some long hidden emotions that I still need to go through. it's rough, but I know that I have to. all the shame, guilt and self hatred that I furiously suppressed with distractions want to be seen and accepted. not just that, they want to be loved. 

I now know the key: self love.

no numbing down anymore. the way of the heart is the highway to heaven <3

[phoenix666]

today I was able to touch many people's heart at a funeral, I managed to get them in touch with their emotions with my words. it was beautiful. maybe I should use them more often...maybe they can open up peoples mind, consciousness and specially their heart. 

talking to my father was very, very good too. maybe he's right. I am passionate about this whole consciousness 'thing'. I'm actually in too deep to lose it again.

thank you <3

and to my dear grandpa <3 may you rest in peace, I love you