Lack of confidence.

[spicy_pickles]

So, I’ve been struggling with this for years. 

I look at myself in pictures and think I look absolutely horrid. I see men I find attractive and believe they would go after a beautiful blonde as opposed to me. 

I am certain this has brought on much of the grief I’ve had in my life. My last relationship, I stayed with someone way too long that was abusive, and knowing deep down I could do SO much better. 

I compare myself with others. I’m not as social. I’m not as funny. I’m not as beautiful. It’s like I have this vision in my head where I see someone loving me for me, loving every bit of me. I just don’t see it possible though. 

I really don’t like myself, and I don’t know how to. 

Edited August 11, 2018 by spicy_pickles
Added text

[Jeff Zhang]

@spicy_pickles don't beat yourself up so much, wish you have a good day. Stop judgement on yourself. Hope you be fine.

[B_Naz]

Hey, you're beautiful, funny, confident, attractive, clever, and everything.

Don't let labels hurt you, be true to yourself. Everyone has their own flaws, and you just need to accept them and move on. 

What helps me in these situations is to pretend that I am something that I am not. If I have the same thoughts of someone who is, lets say, a confident person, then this would only mean that I will be confident. Be the thing you want to be. Don't let these stupid judgments affect for your true self. Your want to be self.

 

[spicy_pickles]

9 hours ago, see_on_see said:

Always lots of "I"s in your posts. Don't forget you don't exist! Might seem like it won't solve much, but it makes all the difference when it comes to self judgment. I know it did for me. If you realize it's not "you" thinking your thoughts, and that your sense of self is actually formed by thoughts themselves, in a self-reinforcing feedback loop that ultimately is grounded in nothing at all, then all this negative self talk will be revealed to amount to nothing, and be a total illusion. 

Don't underestimate this, it can make all the difference. 

I recommend daily mindfulness meditation and self inquiry. Add kriya yoga too if you can. 

Being social and funny comes with practice. It's a skill, so it's just a matter of time and practice. The key with it is in being in the now, and guess what, HAVING FUN! So stop beating yourself up and enjoy the process. As for looks, they're relative. Make yourself look the best you can, but what makes you even more attractive is having a radiant feminine energy. That's something you can control and work  on, and something not many women have, even "beautiful" women. 

The feminine energy you speak of intrigues me. I say this because of many reasons. First off, I’m in a male-dominated field of work but can distinctly tell by observing other woman in the same field how they can either choose to use this energy or not. Some are very overpowering and feel the need to assert themselves, while others are kind and warm, yet have the ability to be assertive in a much different way. 

The other interesting point is observing friends and family that, from my point of view, are rather dominating and controlling. This is not the person I want to be, nor is it the type of relationship quality I want. It’s as if their partners look to them to make every decision for them, yet always disappoint them in the end by not living up to their end of the deal in relationships. 

I look at my past relationship, and I was with a man that needed a mother figure, not a wife. However, he did not want to treat his partner with respect, he wanted to cry and complain about how unfair life is, and have them swoop in to save the day (in addition to cooking, cleaning, parenting, providing sex, etc). 

I have a lot of work to do, however I think this is a great first step in discovering something about myself.