I Am... A Noob.. No Wait, Labels Are Bad!

[Nicole2602]

Day 1 - Why am I doing this?

Okay, journal entry day 1, and I'm trying to convince myself to forget that this is public and keep typing.

No, I'll keep typing, then read, judge, and then decide if I click submit... better plan.

The Nicole ego is raging in the back ground here with, "why are you doing this? everyone can see this!"... "You're going to be judged as idiotic/stupid/moronic... (thesaurus of insults on repeat)"... "You could just do this in a book, you know, where no one can read this?".

Curiously, alter ego Nicole comes in with "This is good, make it funny so others will enjoy reading it"... seriously? I feel like two face in Batman.

So, I'm going to document my enlightenment journey, as a means to get all the stuff in my head out... that's the plan. While I'm typing, I'm very conscious of what my thoughts are... so it seems a good way to focus and to actually listen to what's going on in there... I feel like most of the time I'm thinking away, and not even listening to what's being said... it's strange to suddenly stop and go, wait, what? What did I just say in my head? It's like it's happening in the background and it's just become white noise... kinda scary.

So enlightenment and me... where am I? Once upon a time last year, I stumbled upon a video on you tube (thanks to their helpful suggestion feature), with some guy called Leo Gura and "how not to give a shit what others think of you" or something like that. Considering my first paragraph, yes, this appealed greatly... So one video led to the next and the next and then suddenly... "Spiritual Enlightenment Introduction" happened to me. I can equate pressing play on that video to Neo looking between the red pill and the blue... Two bald guys asking if you want to know the truth, totally the same thing, just less latex and coolness in my version.

And so, where I am currently is many hours down of listening to Leo's mp3s on the way to and from work... not nearly as much meditation as I should have been doing, some moments of self inquiry, a few hits of "ooooh riiigghht!", just as many experiences of "oooooh riiiggght!" becoming "no wait, what?", conversations with family that include a lot of confused faces and then mostly... a feeling... "somethings awry here"... I've listened to these mp3s so much my inner voice is starting to sound like Leo Gura.

It feels like standing at the base of Mount Everest with my backpack, looking up and going, "I know there's something fantastic up there, I can kinda see it, and other people tell me it's there... but geez that's far and I only have a few mp3s on how to mountain climb".

So basically, I have no clue, just a feeling... what could possibly go wrong?

 

 

[Extreme Z7]

I like the mountain analogy for enlightenment. I remember hearing in an enlightenment lecture mp3 that there are multiple paths in life but if you cross the path that takes you to the top of the mountain, you can see all other paths and get a pretty damn beautiful view at that.

It's just an analogy but it does make one think.

[Nicole2602]

Day 2 - Now what?

Meh... such a good word and so descriptive. I am meh today... Also really trapped in my mind, I keep catching myself being lost in thought, and reminding my self to come back and observe. Like, I need to keep jumping off the thought pony to avoid getting carried away to some weird and wonderful places. It's really exhausting being asleep.

The more I research and try to inform myself, either through Leo vids, YouTube et al, forums... it just makes me feel more overwhelmed.

Here I am, at base camp right, psyching myself up, fist pumping the air, jogging on the spot and being all "Hell yeah, let's go, Mount Enlightenment is mine!" and then every time I turn around, Eckardt Tolle, Allan Watts, Leo Gura and some other sneaky gurus are all running up and shoving something into my pack.

Like, I get it guys, they're maps and tools and stuff for the journey but I'm watching this bag get fuller and heavier and wondering, "Now what?"...

This mountain is gimungous, and you guys want me to carry this crap up too? Seriously? No no no...

Fist pumping-booyahness is gone... now I'm sitting at base camp unpacking this bag to check out all this stuff and see if I really need it... as I'm unpacking I'm getting angry you know? Sitting here cross legged surrounded by crap instead of climbing this mountain like Wonderment Woman and I'm like "Really Eckardt? A New Earth is in here? Really dude? Don't laugh, it's not cute right now..! And who put the rationalisation video in here? It's heavy!...I'm looking at you Leo..." grrr, aargh

Sigh, calm the farm... it's necessary to maybe take some time to do a little research before you go tearing up a huge mountain half-assedly prepared.

I've never been good with patience, I get all three years old about having to wait for something I want right now, Rolling around on the ground kicking and screaming is not pretty, or elegant and it won't get me anywhere I guess... Pouting? No stop it... you're not Lara Croft. Just focus.

Maybe if I take some time to do the research at base camp, I don't have to actually physically carry the research up right?

And then... I notice the giant purple bag in the corner. It's got "Nicole's crap" written all over it. Oh right, I kinda forgot about my own personal baggage.

Hmmm, maybe I should start with that bag... I'm sure there's a whole bunch of heavy things in there I don't really need to take with?

 

[Nicole2602]

Day 3 - Goal for today

So today I am at home with my three kids. This significantly reduces any chance of quiet me time and a chance to unpack anything today. You ever tried to spring clean with three kids around? Impossible has new meaning when you're a parent.

Today, I'm just going to try and be as mindful as humanly possible. I tend to fly off the handle a lot with my kids. I get really crabby, really quickly. You don't really have to scratch the surface to get to my underlying, always present judgment and irritation. Just blow the dust off a bit and it's right there. This is one of the things I really need to resolve with myself. It doesnt make me feel good at all. I really don't want to be a mommy version of the Hulk anymore... I need to get at the heart of what causes this, why it's there... why am I always on edge?

It's not just with my kids, it's pretty much in every facet of my life as well if I think about it. Like right now, I'm trying to log onto my other PC and it's giving me some rubbish authentication failure whatever... I guess most people would be like huh, that's weird, or I don't know, calmly retry... Instantly I'm puffing up like a hot air balloon filled with curse words and black smoke. That's how I think of my anger, black smoke, that just instantly explodes and clouds everything, to the point where it's all I can see. Kinda scary huh? Worse than that, this smoke is so thick and greasy that even when it clears, it still sticks to me, weighs me down. Life's smallest, stupid, no big deal problems become heavy burdens when they're sticking to me in smoke form. And it's not easy to clean off...

I think me and Smokey need to have a sit down, like mafia style, and I need to ask it a few questions. Actually, I never liked mafia anythings so I need a better visualisation. Hmm, Smokey is suspect number one in the case of the "Crappy Outlook on Life" and I have him in interrogation room three. I am a tough, no nonsense, not scared of anything, bad ass detective, and I need a confession to solve this case. Much better.

So I strut into the interrogation room (bad asses don't walk) and I slam the evidence files down in front of Smokey. Thousands of mental pictures scatter across the table, everyone telling a story of me losing my shit over nothing at all. (For the sake of the story, we'll gloss over conflict of interests that Detective Bad Ass is me and this is my life)... Smokey just smiles, very proud of the chaos it's caused. It likes what it does, it likes to exist. 

I look down at my case notes, there's a list of questions there, and I really need answers.

Can I remember when I started to feel this way? Was it an overnight kinda thing, or is this a gradual build up of resentments that gave birth to this darkness? What triggers it mostly? Is it really everything making me angry? Or is it specific to one incident and the rest is just as a result of the one incident? Why does it feel like it has more control than I do? Why can't I stop it in the moment? Is there a way to stop it? Why is it always there... does being angry make me feel good, in the moment? Why do I feel anger more strongly than I feel other emotions? Am I crazy?

As I'm asking, Smokey sits there smiling away, it's languishing in comfort, stretching, getting bigger... almost filling up this room I'm in and becoming suffocating. And then suddenly I realise what's it's doing... it's trying to cover up the mirror in the room. Smokey's not going to give me any answers here, it just likes the attention. What I need to be doing is looking in that mirror and getting the answers from me. They're in there somewhere... I just need to make time for some self interrogation. 

In the meantime, I feel a bit better... Smokey's on my radar now and I'm going full stakeout on it... It's not going to make a move without me watching. That is something I can control and maybe with me watching and shining a light on it, it will shrink back into the shadows a bit.

And now... back to reality