not having the willpower to change myself due to the past and other people's opinion

[Claire Verlyn]

I already know that there is something deep down inside of me that says that i have to change. i feel like i have this kind of urge, a sense of calling to become a better, confident person. i always want to have confidence in who i am right now, accept and truly love myself. i also want to live by my own values. i dont want to search for someone's validation or approval anymore. part of me says that I'm done with it.  i can't live by being dependant on what other people think of me. but, there is also something that really holds me back. and i've already realized that it's my past. sometimes there are images about the past projected in my own head. i once had very bad bad like really bad bad bad acne on my face.  i felt like i was so ugly that i couldnt even look myself in the mirror. actually, before i had really severe acne, i also didnt think that i was that beautiful although many people say that im physically beautiful. and now im trying to look at myself again in the mirror and long story short, my face is much much better and clearer right now. im trying to feel pretty just the way i am right now. i have realized that i have to accept myself and love myself even though i had bad acne. but at some point of my life, i still feel worried about what other people think of me, especially my look.  that really makes me insecure every time i try to look at the eye of a person when i'm talking to that person. there's also part of me that says "why do i even have to change myself? i mean what if other people say something about me when they see me change and become a confident person? what if other people think that im weird bcs i used to be extremely shy? what if people say something about that? what if people say something about how i looked in the past when they see me change? what's the point of making changes in my life? what's the point of trying to become confident?...." there are tons of reasons and excuses that my mind always tries to come up with...i also feel like whats the point of living? i dont want to live..but i also dont want to die....how can i find something that can be a trigger for me to change myself? how do i have to think about other people's opinion? how can i have willpower to do personal development? how can i have passion in life again? i know its a very long writing...but here im trying to say something that i have kept for a long time...i really appreciate your help...thanks in advance...

Edited August 10, 2018 by Claire Verlyn

[Rebec]

Just start with something you really feels holding you back right now. If it's a willpower thing, just challenge that belief.

Check out this topic for all the suggestions and how to;

Most important, just start ?

 

Edited August 10, 2018 by Rebec

[Nahm]

@Claire Verlyn

You can’t ‘get more will power’, you already have the will of God. You’ll need to deconstruct the things (beliefs in what you are & false understandings of what everything else is) you’ve added. These ideas you’ve added have covered up what you already are and always have been. 

So meditation is the way. Think of meditation as sitting and surrendering everything. Every thought, your life, identity, and existence itself. Surrender everything. 

You’ll be left with Nothing,  what Nothing actually is. 

Also, keep psychedelics in mind as a meta-meditation.

[Colin]

Keep it simple
 

use daily

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