Lost killed inside , serious downs

[zacky]

hello everyone, this is my first post right there before all i'm thankful that i found a place where i can express and have advices from amazing people as i saw in the forum,

my name is zack i have 23 year old i cant find out a sens for my life anymore i don't want to suicide but i don't want to live , i'm positive but i have a serious downs...

so here i'am my story is that i get lot of issuses , started with my envirenement which is vexy toxical , and i cant figure out how can i find new people with good vibe , i'm studying something i don't like but i have to ,because it will lead me to something i like at the time , i reapeated my year 2 times and i'll repeat again and that causes me smash emotion in me  , i feel hopless even if i strive for big goals... , i have at the time insecurities i strugled because i'm losing my hear that cause me self insecurities , i'm feeling alone and i feel like no one can understand that feeling or even help me , i'm trying lot of things every day , well lot of people said move on u're not a tree ... but in my case in cant leave because even the closest people to me ar toxicals and i have to survive with them(very complicated case famely )  , i have doubt with comparaison and  i still stress meeting people  i feel like i'm losing my self , it causes me headtache everytime because i can figure out any solution especely for that year that i'll repeat my university class it so harmfull emotionaly for me , i also had focus issues and i've been rejected by a girl that i was convinced that she'll help me steping forward, i'm in the point that i 

 

i dont wont spread negativity by telling how i feel but to get some advices and opinions ,

[Romulus_Lupus]

Hey Zacky,
I am 26 and I have  been in your situation for a long time now. I've had depression, automatic resentful mental reliving of arguments, adhd, asperger, ocd, igg III (a gut inflammation that also affects all my other organs) for at least decade. I'm in my 3rd (but finally last!) attempt at the first year of a master's degree.

I did a holotropic breathing after watching Leo's episode on the subject, and it worsened my state for months. I became physically super weak (after a peak in endurance with a nutrionnist's help)  and was unable to do sports, the biggest thing my pathlogical identity that relied on recognition and achievement fed off. My false motivations were painfully reduced to dust and I became super cynical, disgusted and miserable about existence that I still hate from time to time, while leveling up one level on spiral dynamics.  Life and my body compelled me to accept utter defeat, which is the only way to get a healthy (yet hazy) reboot and a shot at building an identity based to being (whatever the hell this is) instead of doing, surpassing and impressing.

Recently I wrote a testament/unfiltered rant, expecting my soul to leave the body on its own from sheer dispair and complete uninterest in "living". To my surprise, my depression and resentfulness almost vanished for a few days before strengthening back up but without their usual spirit-possession like hold.

This incident sparked a long talk with my mother and friend of ours, and yeah this path is of cursed loneliness because rare are those who can understand you.

Luckily  the anticipation of future mushroom experiences (had only one and it muted all the bad stuff), Teal Swan (watch her fragmentation, depression and self-love episodes), entertainment and some of my friends - as much as I would them to be 24/7 with me - keep me going by either masking the emptiness (nothing wrong with it, as long surgery is taking place) or showing me ways to integrate this new phase of picking up the fragments and sticking them back together.

So here is my 2 cents, based only on things I tried : STOP STRIVING for big goals and juggling with many things. Or actually do, and learn from failing at even leaving a scratch on them. Extreme b****-slappling Yin will be forced on you one way or the other. Your body is in emergency repairs mode, so REST by sticking to bare minimal effort and focus on what matters to your survival (peace of mind & heart, and school).

ALLOW yourself to hate existence.

FAST, non forcibly, in whichever way your body intuits.

Also, Go a to therapist (I HATE that word). Mine is a chill funny guy that doesnt care about psycho-jargon unless you ask him to and he focuses on experience more than conceptualizing. Just having someone to talk to relieves of some pressure. Write down all the s*** that bothers you, with no filters.
Go to a nutrionnist. Eat loads of probiotics (removed my chronic sneezing caused by mucus inflammation, could affect my mind).

For some reason cats make me cry when I pet them, so a pet could be valuable too.

As for focus, read this https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/24003-concentration-memory-problems/

That's it for now. Seek pro help. Keep us updated on how  things play out.

 

 

 

Edited August 12, 2018 by Romulus_Lupus

[Gabriel Antonio]

On 8/9/2018 at 9:59 PM, zacky said:

and i cant figure out how can i find new people with good vibe

Anywhere that is "spiritual" will probably be a good place to meet cool people. For example, at a yoga studio. In my case, I live in Brazil, and I met two great friends at ayahuasca ceremonies.

 

On 8/9/2018 at 9:59 PM, zacky said:

i'm feeling alone and i feel like no one can understand that feeling or even help me

I have been there... It awful to feel like no one understands you...

People who haven't been in hell do not understand when you talk about it. 

As soon as you find someone who has gone through it, you'll probably immediately connect with that person. You two will understand each other... 

 

I hope things get better for you! 

Edited September 1, 2018 by Gabriel Antonio